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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

283 replies

Areallusernamestaken · 08/05/2019 20:43

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

OP posts:
ItsInTheSpoon · 09/05/2019 20:32

Maybe the only way to get her to leave will be to get the divorce and financial settlement - then there will come a point at which she is no longer entitled to be in the house, if it becomes legally yours. I feel very sorry for you having to go through the process of getting there though. It’s a long hard road - the only advice I can offer is keep your support up from friends, maintain peace in the house as far as possible for the children’s sakes, be kind to yourself... do what you can to make yourself happier and don’t get sunk in sadness Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/05/2019 20:33

A couple of thoughts.

I think your children are fully aware something is wrong, they just haven't said anything.

Make sure you have your children's passports and then go to court for a specific issues order so you can take them abroad.

Take care.

ItsInTheSpoon · 09/05/2019 20:35

Oh and realise that she is really not the same person any more. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can reason with her. She’s basically an enemy to you now, no longer a friend Sad

wafflyversatile · 09/05/2019 20:35

I'd wonder if this is some sort of defensive action out of fear of what happened with her parents. Regardless her treatment of you and the kids now is terrible.

I hope your living situation is sorted soon.

Original poster
Areallusernamestaken · 09/05/2019 20:35

Thank you Wintersnow17. It does make me feel slightly better it's not unique for partners to just shut down and become strangers. So sorry you had to go through this too.

@dandelion1993 yes I think you are right. However, it will likely be next week with solicitors due to work commitments. I will ring Disney to see if I can amend. If not I will ask solicitor of my rights to go alone.

The good news is she is at her dad's tomorrow night and then out again on Saturday so I have 2 days with just me and kids.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 09/05/2019 20:36

She's going to stop your kids going to euroDisney with a few weeks notice? Wow that is cold!

Please get proper advice and fast I'd also agree that the children are to be told so you can start making plans to separate legally

Original poster
Areallusernamestaken · 09/05/2019 20:40

Lots more replies.... Thank you all for being so kind Smile

I think you are all right that I need to take the bull by the horns and get on with it. I will try to talk with her on Sunday to see if we can agree on anything and then speak with solicitors on Monday.

I'm just finding it so hard adjusting to the fact my best friend can become an adversory almost over night.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 09/05/2019 20:54

OP this sounds awful for you and your kids, but I am confused by some of the advice here - so posters seem to be saying that if one party refuses to go then that's the end of it. So there will be no divorce? They have to remain living in the house? I must have got confused. If they separate then surely the house must be sold or the person staying in the house can buy the other one out, and obvs with younger children provision will need to be made for them.

Or am I way off? On the Relationships board isn't the person who has the affair always having to leave immediately?

Original poster
Areallusernamestaken · 09/05/2019 21:02

@dishingoutdone

Legally she doesn't have to go until everything is finalised / divorce takes place but morally in my opinion she should go now and I wish she would!

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 09/05/2019 21:18

Thank you OP. I can't believe this, and the way she is making the kids suffer as well. I don't know how you can put up with it. So you're going to have to see a solicitor and get the divorce papers issued?

I notice there is also a thread here for people whose STBX refuses to move out did you see that? Mind you that's depressing in itself people waiting months to get things sorted out; you'd literally end up living with the person you have already divorced and only then be allowed to put the house on the market or finally get them out. Sad

ItsInTheSpoon · 09/05/2019 23:11

you'd literally end up living with the person you have already divorced and only then be allowed to put the house on the market or finally get them out

Not good, I can assure you! Bloody bloody awful!

Tiddleypops · 10/05/2019 01:04

Start the divorce. It might be the only way of getting her to move out. It's bloody awful living in the same house while going through a divorce, but it's bloody awful going through what you are going through now. At least with the legal wheels in motion, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
With a bit of luck, she'll get fed up and move out before she legally has to.

Decormad38 · 10/05/2019 01:23

It sounds like she has put up defences due to guilt to me. No advice about house except the sooner you file for divorce the sooner she leaves. It may be that she wants to shack up with toyboy anyway. I wonder if you could engineer that somehow? Hide her contraception? What do you know about him?

Justlikedevon · 10/05/2019 01:54

My xh wouldn't leave and I could hear him shagging the Ow In the spare room. Do not be me. Serve her with divorce papers for unreasonable behaviour, take the kids away. Much as it will fucking kill you, act mean and just do if. If I learned anything(I learned many things) but if I learned one thing from mn, SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

Sausagerollers · 10/05/2019 02:02

Can I ask why you haven't told your children the situation (in an age appropriate way)?

With everything you've described I'd be really surprised if they haven't worked out there's a problem (especially the 15 yr old) and what you don't want to happen is them (the DC) to think they're the reason for any animosity in the house.

Why don't you sit down with the eldest (at least) and gently explain the situation to them?

Stormy76 · 10/05/2019 02:33

I think it’s very likely that your eldest is well aware that there is a significant problem between you guys and that you are likely to get a divorce. Your youngest sticking to you like glue is a sign that she is aware that something is wrong as well. For the sake of your kids, sit them down and tell them, start the process to remortgage ASAP so that you can pay her ‘what she is owed’ to get her out soonest while divorce proceedings are taking place. She is having a midlife crisis bynthe sounds of it and she will eventually smack back down to earth probably when toy boy leaves her for someone much younger. That won’t be your problem though because you will be divorced by then and will have moved on, she will be the one scratching around trying to put her life back together after an affair that ruined her marriage.

Don’t engage with her unless it is about the kids, keep the house clean and tidy because your kids need the stability of home remaining the same. Your eldest will be doing exams soon, so will need stability and security in his life and it will fall on your shoulders whilst his mother is running around with a toy boy making a fool of herself.

TheRedBarrows · 10/05/2019 04:06

What amendment to the Disney trip does she want to make?

Really sorry this has happened OP, it sounds horrendous.

Nagsnovalballs · 10/05/2019 05:02

Get mean. Get a letter of authority about flying written up and make her sign it. Tell her it’s her choice: she signs it or you cancel the whole trip and tell the children she made you cancel and that she’s got a new boyfriend. I’m pretty sure she’ll sign. Stop letting her blackmail you, turn it back on her. If she really won’t sign, then postpone Disney until summer.

Whatever happens, You need to be honest with the children. Tell them what is going on in simple terms: mum is leaving but you both still love them. That they’re lives will stay fairly similar to now - same schools, same house, same dad!
Then tell your parents.
You need to build your support network. She’s got fancy man - you can build a proper
Network of people who love you unconditionally.
Good luck! Fight hard but fair

64632K · 10/05/2019 05:48

OP what an awful situation and I understand you want her gone, kids will know something isn't right.

You said her drink had been spiked - I hope nothing untoward happened to her at that time. Could be a reason for the spiralling behaviour?

Nyushka1 · 10/05/2019 05:52

Is a shame you married such a loser, you sound like a nice guy. Unfortunately some women just care more about what is between their legs than what came out from between them.

PrincessTiggerlily · 10/05/2019 06:18

It seems odd to me that you think the DCs don't know anything. I suspect they'd need to be blindfold and deaf for them to be unaware. I would certainly tell the older one. Especially if she has serious school work she should concentrate on. You lying to the DCs is not what they need in my view - they have a weird disinterested DM and a distracted angry DF. And no one caring properly for them. Not good. God knows what they are thinking.

Windygate · 10/05/2019 06:28

OP you really need to take control of this situation and do it today. Ring a solicitor this morning and get an appointment for early next week.

Tell your children, in age appropriate language, that you and their mum are splitting up. My sibling and I were in exactly your DCs position and we knew exactly what was going on, the damage has been life long.

Don't cancel the Disneyland Paris trip. What amendment does STBXW propose?

Use the weekend to get your ducks in a row, pull together important documents including finances, passports, birth and wedding certificates. Your STBXW is going to her father for a damage limitation meeting, he's already got a wealth of experience.

Wallywobbles · 10/05/2019 06:33

Just proceed with divorce. Don't except less or give more than her due. Get your girls done. Book mediation. Just get on with it all. My ex moved out on the date agreed in the divorce settlement. (Actually pre-divorce but in the mediation agreement).

Wallywobbles · 10/05/2019 06:34

Girls =forms

Wallywobbles · 10/05/2019 06:37

You don't currently need her permission to leave the country with the kids. I'd proceed as planned with trip.