Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

The emotional journey around divorce has rightly been called a rollercoaster. So, there will be highs and lows ahead, most likely.

Another, slightly ironic, update this evening. After last night saying I felt ok, tonight I've ended up in tears completely out of the blue.

My wife has found a house and will likely get the keys next week if all goes to plan. I'm happy she will be moving out, but it also signifies the end of our relationship after 17 years together. We both ended up crying tonight which is odd as we don't want to be together any more. I think we are both sad that it's ending and it has now suddenly hit us that we have an end date. God knows what's going on in my head tonight. I'm not upset, but I'm crying?! I'll miss her presence, but don't want to live with her?! Weird feelings, and totally unexpected.

I hope I can wake up normally again tomorrow... I think it's just a blip tonight. I need to have a clear head for solicitors tomorrow!

How are you feeling today? @Areallusernamestaken
Better I hope, you were mourning the future you thought you were going to have. It's part of the process.
How did you get on at the solicitors?

@warmhandscoldheart

I'm much better thank you. No idea what was going on last night, just couldn't stop crying, but didn't feel sad. Really weird!

Wife is away tonight so I'm by myself, coping fine, just watching tv.

I went to solicitor today and she was quite impressed with what id managed to get done in terms of mortgage, childcare and contents. All that's left is pensions to divvy up and I have to dig out the marriage certificate (i think I know where it is!). I'll probably hand that in tomorrow and then the divorce can start properly. Time scales I've been given are 6 to 9 months due to delays in the admin process. In reality solicitor said it's quite a simple and straight forward case.

My wife still hasn't given me any money for June, but I've told her to just use the money to get some stuff for her new house. I don't need the cash and as my kids will be living there id prefer the house to feel homely for them rather than a bedsit. Some of you may think I'm a soft touch, but I just can't be bothered been angry or bitter, especially over money.

My wife has mentioned youngest going on a "play date" with toyboys child (I now know it's a son... initially i thought it was a girl). I told her to calm down and not even contemplate introducing more confusion into our youngests life before she is properly settled. I mentioned it to my solicitor and she agreed that anything like that should be many months down the line. She also said she expects my wife to hit an emotional wall at some point as she thinks she has literally moved all feelings for me onto someone new without time to breath. This does make a bit of sense as apart from a few tears last night, she's not really shown any emotion apart from anger when she didn't get her own way. Time will tell I guess!

Sorry no advice to give but sending a hug. Hope things go smoothly for you and the kids. You are doing really well.

@user1498572889

Thanks for your kind comments and hug!

Yes all the practicalities are pretty much done at my side. My solicitor has now sent my wife a letter stating I'm divorcing her for unreasonable behaviour and outlining everything regarding my purchase of her equity holding in the house and contents.

I've still got the pension documents to sort out, but shouldn't take too long.

I'm ready to move on now, the whole process has become tiresome. I'm really not sure what my wife is feeling though. I had to work this weekend (at home on laptop) so my wife had to look after the kids. I thought she'd want to take them out or do something in the nice weather. All she did was plonk youngest in front of telly and put you tube on. Wife then sat texting for hours on end. I'm just fed up of her been a rubbish mother to our kids but when I try to tell her to make more of an effort I just get shouted at that I'm trying to control her and i should just f**k off, along with the fact that our whole marriage was a mistake, etc. etc.

Tonight was her turn to take youngest to bed. It turned into a disaster with wife shouting at top of her voice, daughter crying her eyes out, shaking and sobbing for daddy. Wife stormed downstairs effing away at me saying I've turned her child against her and it's all my fault. I calmly stood up, looked her in the eye and told her in no uncertain terms (without anger or swearing) that the whole sorry mess is solely her fault for being a selfish, narcissistic and uncaring individual. Her response was "f**k off" and she has now gone out again.

I dont know when she'll be back and to be honest I don't really care. I've calmed little one down, but she is still all dithery and snotty. Big one is cleaning their room, just trying to avoid their mother. Such a sad state that our children just don't want anything to do with their own mum. I honestly dont want to be a sole parent as I need to be able to rebuild my life, but as things stand I can't imagine either child wanting to stay with their mum. My wife is adamant I've planned and controlled all this to get back at her. All I've done is try to be a good daddy to my children when they've needed me... I don't think I deserve to be accused of things by my wife and I wish she could see what her actions have done.

On top of this she is forcefully telling me that she will be taking youngest on a play date with toyboy and his kid. I have no legal right to stop this but she just doesn't care how disruptive and confusing it will be for our daughter to see her mum swooning all over some other bloke. I'm truly over my wife and don't care what she gets up to, but I cannot allow this play date to go ahead. I'm not sure what I can do to stop it, but I'm determined that I will protect my daughter from getting mixed up in my wife's selfish world.

On top of this, earlier this evening oldest one decided to talk to me about their friend whose parents are getting divorced. I'm sure they know what's going on, but I'm not prepared to tell them and have my wife accuse me of poisoning them further against her. It's her mess, she can explain things to our children.

Overall, another enjoyable evening!

You're handling this all brilliantly and it's so apparent how much you love your kids. However, at this stage I really think you need to start explaining things to your kids.

It sounds like your oldest child is really needing you to talk to her and she's confronting you in her own way. Please dont dismiss this. You can even start with saying that you know she's not daft and that it's obvious you and her mum arent getting on and ask her what her understanding is of all this and what her questions are. It's not about whose responsibility to explain your wife's mess, it's about being the parent who she trusts and allowing her to share how she's feeling.

I have just rtft. You sound like a wonderful father. My heart breaks at their mother, I couldn't give up on my son like she has, hell would freeze over before any man came before him.

Be proud of yourself.

@mummabear12345567889

I know you are right, and it won't be long now before it happens. If my wife gets the house she will be out in 2 weeks.

As an update she is now back home. Apparently our youngest is "not normal" and my wife says she needs to speak to the school about it. I asked her what the heck she was on about as it was only last month we got a glowing report saying she was a kind, confident and clever little girl.

Unable to answer my wife then threatened to get social services involved saying again I'd poisoned our youngest against her. She also said that her mum (my mother in law) had commented that our daughter was too clingy to me. I know this to be a lie as I'm quite friendly with my mother in law and know that my wife hasn't opened up to her about anything.

How on earth did I end up with such a nasty wife?! Really looking forward to the end of all this now.

Let her speak to SS, it will only come back on how bad a parent she has become. And that she is not putting her children first. Where as you have time and time again put your children 1st and are the stable parent for them.

I'm sorry to say but I really think once your STBEXW will be 'too busy' to see her children once she moves out.

Until some thing happens with her relationship 'toyboy' and then she will want to have a relationship with her children, until the next man comes along.

I do think you both preferably to speak to your children in a age appropriate way about your divorce, although I don't think she will before she moves out. As it will suit her to paint you as the bad guy.

You should give her the opportunity to talk about how she's feeling about it all. Does she have any other adult family members to talk to? It's a big thing for any child to go through. Especially without having much explained to them.

I come from parents who split up and would have been blind and deaf to not realise what was going on but I always remember one of my friends saying that she found her parent's split really difficult because she was sat down one day and told that they were splitting up. There had been nothing prior to this- I.e, arguments etc.

It sounds to be as though your youngest is finding things difficult but it's fortunate she's got you and such a good attachment. What does she mean by "not normal"!? It would be worth letting the school know that there's disruption in the family, they might be able to offer some form of support. Or keep an eye on her at the very least.

I can't get my head around why your wife is behaving the way she is towards her children, as a mother myself. However, as a social worker, I've seen lots of similar behaviour! What does she think a social work referral would achieve?

I'm wishing you all the best. Please take time to take care of yourself.

Hello, I've just read the entire thread and think you've done so well in every thing you have done so far.

I really think you need to talk to your daughter's school asap, so they are aware of the situation and can keep a close eye on her and support her when need be. 5 year olds are very aware of what is going on around them and her behaviour may start to change at school. If school are aware , they will know what signs to look out for and how to support.

Hello @Areallusernamestaken

I agree that you need to speak to school now. I say this as a designated safeguarding lead in school. In some senses your wife has a point, it is not normal for a child to scream when being put to bed by a parent (every time). However, it is not your daughter that is 'not normal' but the situation she has been put in. You sound like a very engaged and dedicated father, conversely your wife is the opposite. I would go to school and factually explain the situation. Please warn them that you're concerned that your wife has threatened you with accusations. You can also let them know your daughter may need support.

Lastly, don't fear social services. You have nothing to hide.

Quite a few comments, thank you, I'll try to go through them in turn.

@nespressowoo

Goodness, you must be bored reading the whole thread?! Thank you for the kind comments. I've said before, but I don't know what goes through my wife's head. I'm sure she must be pining for her children, but she is so cold emotionally it's really difficult to tell. I don't believe she wants a non-existent relationship with them, but equally I'm not sure she can be bothered doing the mundane stuff either. You can't really have one without the other.

@Clutterbugsmum

Yep, at the moment toyboy and phone messages in general come before any real life thing

My wife has called me a lot of names this evening but her viciousness was maximised when she labelled me a sad loser with no friends, no life, no hobbies who will be alone and lonely once she has gone. Part of that is true, in that I have focused on my children over the past few years and put social life to one side. We were told we'd never have another child after our eldest so when youngest was born it felt like a miracle. I decided I couldn't waste time going out with work and decided to prioritise my kids over anything else.

It hasn't felt like I've given anything up as I still see and speak to friends at work, and attend team building events etc. But because I'm not "going out" my wife sees this as a weakness. Currently her social life and toyboy come above anything family.

I get what you mean about telling the kids together. Don't worry, I'll be there to ensure she doesn't tell them a load of clap trap, but the reasons have to come from her.

@Mummabear12345567889

Unfortunately no one on my side of the family know anything is wrong (I've just plodded on with the help of virtual friends and work colleagues), so there is not really anyone for eldest to speak to as yet. This will obviously change in the next couple of weeks.

"Normal " to my wife is doing things without complaint. A 5 year old doesn't do that! Youngest loves to play at home so it is sometimes difficult to get her to go places. She whines and cries with me sometimes when I try to take her places, but once we are there she really enjoys the trip. Unfortunately my wife is incapable if ignoring the whining and turns it into an argument which ends up disastrously and they end up going nowhere.

Instead of taking a step back my wife just blames me for controlling a 5 year old and telling her not to go out with mummy. I've never done that and never will.

I think the social worker was thrown into the mix as a threat. Usually swearing and nastiness gets me to back down as I hate confrontation, but I've outgrown all this and end up ignoring her. In her head my wife doesn't think she's done anything wrong so I think she is just getting frustrated that things are not going the way she wants them to.

@bubblysqueak

Someone else with too much time on their hands to read the whole thread?!

Thank you for your kind comments.

Yes, I am going to speak to the school. Her behaviour is generally good though. My youngest is genuinely a kind, thoughtful little girl who knows right from wrong. Her only issue is at times she can't stand her mother. I'm not sure how it came to this but there has never been a particularly strong bond between them, it's just recently that it has got to the point where a simple thing like bedtime ends up in a screaming match between them.

@notmuchmoretogive

Thanks for taking time to comment. Per above I'm going to speak with the school to let them know what's going on.

I'd be surprised if my wife took accusations outside these 4 walls as she uses things as threats to get the upper hand rather than actually going ahead.

I really dont fear social services at all as I know I've done everything for my children. I wouldn't want them involved in things, but if my wife got nasty then she has far more to lose. Getting drunk frequently, been at a house party with drugs where she came home suffering the effects of something (think her drink was spiked but not 100%) and just not doing anything in general e.g. clothes, bath time, bed time, food shopping and prep etc.

My wife has called me a lot of names this evening but her viciousness was maximised when she labelled me a sad loser with no friends, no life, no hobbies who will be alone and lonely once she has gone.

No you won't you will have a great relationship with your children, when they get older/adult. She will not as your children will remember how she behaved when they were growing up.

You can grow a friendship group later once your younger child is older.

Getting drunk frequently, been at a house party with drugs where she came home suffering the effects of something (think her drink was spiked but not 100%) her drink wasn't spiked she took something with her 'toyboy' and you and your children suffered the consequences of her come down.

@Clutterbugsmum

Dont worry, I'm not taking her comments to heart, I made a conscious decision to step back from socialising and I can step back into things when I'm ready. She is just trying to upset me... in the past this would have worked but now it just washed over me and she is struggling to grasp this.

I honestly dont think she took anything on purpose, but the fact she was at a party with drugs of some description is a concern. What was more upsetting was the fact it was the day before oldests birthday so she was incapable of doing much. We went for a meal but she was just zonked for most of it. I'm sure it was memorable for oldest as it's not everyday your mum is stoned (or however you describe it) on your birthday!

Just giving you a virtual hug
❤️ just keep putting the children first and you will be fine

"but I cannot allow this play date to go ahead. I'm not sure what I can do to stop it, "

I think unfortunately the answer is that you can do nothing to stop this. She is now "independant and can do what she wants in her time with the children.

All you can do is support your youngest. And suggest yo your STBXW that daughter needs time to process before being thrown in the deepe end with meeting new people. For DD it will be very recent that she hears the news.

Just a quick update for those that are interested... my wife has confirmed she has got the house she went to see so she will likely move out in a couple of weeks.

I think I'll find it tough when she goes. I don't love her any more and get so frustrated by her anger and selfishness but she was my best friend for almost 20 years. We've lived together for almost 17 years, so although she has been mostly absent for the best part of a year, it will still hurt to see her go. I'm excited for the future, but know I've got this last hurdle to get over.

Deep down I know it's the right thing that our marriage is ending but I'm still gutted she decided to have an affair. Up until I found out about her carryings on I truly loved her despite her flaws. She was my everything and I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.... I'd do anything for her to try make her happy, but her betrayal ended all that. It's such a sad ending for me, but I'm proud of the fact I've coped, got the practicalities done and ensured my kids have been protected from this mess.

I'm sure I'll update again, but I just want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. It's been such a help to me, and I've come across some really lovely, kind and genuine people.

Thank you

Sending you lots of strength @Areallusernamestaken and gin of course!

I’ve just read all your posts and there’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said. Your children are lucky to have you. They will appreciate everything you have done and are doing for them. Wishing you all the best for the future

@Areallusernamestaken you're only human, it's going to be very odd without her, especially as you are staying un the house but it will get better, you absolutely deserve it!
X

Hello all,

Just a quick update. Ex wife and her solicitor have agreed to terms with my solicitor and so the divorce is progressing well. Ex gets the keys to new place next Saturday and she'll move out week commencing 15th July.

Something completely unexpected happened to me this week. My work mates got me to sign up to match. I did and ended up on a date today with a lovely woman. We got on and spent hours chatting and then kissed. It was nice, but we both felt there wasn't a spark between us even though we got on so well, so eventually we went our separate ways.

I'm really in no rush to move on to someone else, but it was nice to have this randomly good experience! My first date for 20 years! It felt good to feel wanted and be told I was attractive by someone other than my ex. I'm not disappointed by the lack of a 2nd date as I wasn't expecting anything anyway, but I guess it proves to me that there is life after my wife!

Wow - good for you!

There truly is but take it nice and slow