Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

Classic move from 'the cheaters handbook' create a argument so the cheater can leave for the rest of the evening and to put the blame on the innocent party.

Yep... seems that way!

Tomorrow will be interesting. I'm working away and wont be back til late. I'd told my wife this and told her she'd have to have kids, but she obviously forgot as she's arranged to go out after work for curry and "won't be back til late". As they say in the world of pantomime... oh yes she will! As she's buggered off I can't sort stuff out, so will have to wait until the morning to tell her curry night has to be cancelled.

No doubt I'll get the blame, or be expected to come home early. Not going to happen!

I still think affair relationship is floundering. She can’t believe you’re not groveling to have her back. Her ego is being challenged and her place of security (or fallback place) - your home and you - where she assumed she’d go if it hit the fan with the toy boy - isn’t an option. This is why you’re getting the guilt trips. She’s seeing if there’s still a spot. I would assume that she thinks she can still wheedle one, because you are so desperate to have her back. Have you spelled out in very small words that it’s never happening?

@Areallusernamestaken goodness me OP id give her till the end of the month if she keeps up with this attitude !!

I’ve read the whole thread too, and I have to say you sound amazing the way you are coping in this dreadful situation.

I think things with toy boy are definitely not as rosey, and she has realised what a terrible mistake she has made.

I don’t blame you for not wanting her now, so the sooner divorce proceedings start, the better. She can go to her parents if it’s her only option.

@justilou1

Yes, I've had lots of questions about the double dipping. I won't give her anything until the legal papers are signed.

I've read up on depression, hormonal things, menopause and some things match. But I think the reality is she is the female equivalent of a dick!

@always

Thanks for the kind comments. A lot of people have said I sound lovely etc. I just wish my wife could have appreciated me! I didn't set out with any plan to deal with this, I didn't expect any of it and have ridden a wave of different emotions. All I've tried to do is the best for my kids. I think that has helped me as it hasn't allowed me to be consumed by anger or rage. I've had to be as level headed as I can be for them. I'm not sure what life has in store for me next. I think the next stage will be solicitor and drafting divorce papers next week, other than that, who knows!

@teaforthewin

Early on I did threaten to email her work colleagues to out their sordid secret, basically to flush it out into the sunlight. I didn't do it as she said she had told everyone and they knew. I found out the other night that this was a lie and only 1 person at her work knew. The temptation is still there to send something, but I don't want her to lose her job.

@amicrazyorwhat2

Stupid as it sounds, I sometimes feel sorry for her as she will lose everything. For me I will lose my wife and potentially not see my kids for a few days a week but everything else remains the same. She loses her home, loving husband, nice life style, kids for part of week and support of many people. I know I shouldn't feel anything like that as she's caused all this, but on a human level I know she is going to suffer.

@hjwt

Thanks for the kind words. I hope so too!

@justilou1

No idea about the other guy, it's not something I'm interested in. It did seem to hit her when I told her I'd sorted the mortgage and title deeds. But generally she doesn't communicate anymore to anyone. I asked her mum if they'd talked about stuff and she said no. It's like my wife is just drifting in a parallel dream, seemingly not aware of what is happening. I'm finding her attitude really bizarre.

@itsnotme123

Thanks for your kind words. Per above, I don't know anything about what is happening. The other night she said her and toyboy "hadn't done anything yet" (meaning sex). I'm not sure why she said that, it really didn't make me feel any better about things. Plus she has lied about virtually everything for months so I don't believe it anyway.

"The other night she said her and toyboy "hadn't done anything yet" (meaning sex)"

Two things I can think of:
(1) So that you cannot use adultery as a ground for divorce -- but so what, you can still use unreasonable behaviour, and generally lawyers would advise that anyway.
(2) Maybe it's an oblique way of trying to say, "It is still not too late for us", i.e. for forgiveness ??
[But I would tend to agree it's just a lie, from the rest of the thread!]

@Areallusernamestaken I'm going to say this as a woman who ended her marriage and whose ex husband underhandedly took her daughter from my care and who has now alienated me from her life, which broke me.

Please go for a child arrangement order for your children to ensure that they reside with you, but please do not ever alienate their mother. I get the impression that you never would but for the children's sake please allow them to draw their own conclusion.

Your wife is not considering the children. She is being a dick, but it doesn't mean she can't be part of their lives.

Just as a further update (maybe a long post). Another torrid evening. Wife tried to take youngest to bed, youngest refused, wife got angry and stormed out to go swimming leaving me to comfort little one and sort her out for bed.

When she got back I told her she can't just run away and has to make an effort. She just went on about me taking over and turning children against her.

Later I asked her if she wanted me to divorce her. She just shrugged. I told her she had to grow up and tell me what she wanted. She said she doesn't want to lose her home or children. I said that's not possible without me, and I said I wasn't prepared to live with her knowing she was carrying on with someone else. She got angry (again) and then said that legally I couldn't force her out of her home and we can live separately in the house. I'd suggested that weeks ago and she basically said f-off, so I said no, it's time to start moving.

Later, after more anger, she eventually shouted out, "i wish you'd both just f-off and leave me alone". I said who is "both"? She didn't answer, but it seems some posters on here were right in that there does seem to be issues with her and toyboy.

I also brought up the fact that she needs to tell the children and others, including her friends what's been going on. She then got her phone and showed me a group chat. It seems her and her friends have been having a good laugh about her affair behind my back using emoticons to describe things and just been nasty generally. For the first time in weeks I shed a few tears, as I saw she was having a laugh about what she is up to, despite the hurt I've been through and what's to come for our children. I just said to her that she is a horrible, nasty and selfish person and and unfit mum who should be grateful I'm not looking at pursuing full custody.

She misheard me and thought I'd said I was going for full custody. Pure volcanic rage from her... if you've watched the Big Bang Theory she looks a lot like and acts a lot like Bernadette. Really petit (over 1ft smaller than me) but with a huge temper and vicious tongue. Anyway, she demanded to know who was funding me, told me she'd take me to the cleaners, I would lose the home, she'd easily win, etc. etc. I just let her go on and on.

My final comment to her was that she should learn to listen. She looked puzzled, but id heard enough. I'm going to go to solicitors next week and start divorcing her. I'm sad my marriage is ending but I know that I've tried my hardest to salvage it, and I know I've done all I can for our children. I hope she can look back one day and appreciate what ive been through, put up with and the effort I've made, but I doubt it as she doesn't seem capable of anything other than selfish behaviour.

Looking back, I just can't believe my marriage has ended in this way. Its almost 13 years to the day we got married. I always thought we'd be together forever, and never once believed she'd have an affair. I never imagined I'd have to issue her with divorce papers... It happens to other people...

It's been a rough few months, but I think I'll be glad when it's over completely so I can move on. Tonight was the final nail in the coffin! And on that happy note, thank you for reading and goodnight!

You genuinely have the patience of a saint. She sounds like a nightmare. Let’s be fair, no one can have it all ways and that’s what she seems to want. Plus her terrible behaviour not being challenged. Wishing you all the best

@Areallusernamestaken I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this sounds awful.
I don't think you need to amend the trip as you are their father. You don't need permission as you have equal rights under the law. Just keep passports where you know they are safe.

I would say that any raise colored glasses you may have had have been pulled off and stomped on by this woman. She is a nasty piece of work, and I am glad you have seen this. Sorry that you have lived this, of course. At least you know. You do sound lovely and that your priorities are right and fair. I am glad that you are seeing a solicitor because you can’t keep living like this and it can’t be good for your kids to be feeling that kind of tension. Your wife must honestly feel that she genuinely controls the universe. I am sure that you are bracing yourself for things to get even nastier. Did she come home so that you could work?

@Areallusernamestaken please do consider becoming the resident parent for your children. They need stability, and I think you are more likely to provide it.

@Areallusernamestaken, I'm sorry to read your last post, and the crap you are having to put up with.

There are many similarities between her and my STBXW. I don"t now expect good things, remorse, or stability now from her, and am then not angered, fazed or disappointed by her actions. I accept the she has changed, I no longer love her, and am looking forward to my future life without her. I take huge strength from knowing I have been a good husband, a good father and have done nothing wrong.

This mindset or position may not be easy to reach for you. It'll take time.

It sounds to me like you ought to serve divorce papers for unreasonable behaviour.

Have you got a good support network?

Ignore all the emoticons and bs she throws at you, become thick skinned and go into self preservation mode - healthy food, exercise, good sleep, and offloading on friends is recommended.

Good luck, and continue being a great dad!

I'm guessing lover boy is not prepared or is working on his relationship with his partner/wife.

I agree about you being the resident parent for your children, your STBEXW is no where near stable enough to look after them. She has little or no relationship with your youngest DD. And more importantly she is not prepared to work at improving it. As soon as it get's difficult she bales on her child.

You have to be the one at the moment to put your children first and be the one to protect them from her.

I'm guessing lover boy is not prepared LEAVE partner/wife for her.

Sorry DC distracted me mid sentence.

Thanks all for the additional comments and support. I'll admit I went to bed last night feeling lower than I'd felt in a very long time. I didn't expect, or really want to reconcile with her as I'd cone to terms that we'd be divorcing. What really got to me and upset me was the fact she had been bragging about "her affair" to her mates along with a load of other nasty comments. I hoped she would have some humility and be ashamed of herself, and think of the affect on our kids, but obviously not!

I do feel much better today though after a good night's sleep. I took little one to Aldi to get the shopping this morning and we had the moana soundtrack on full blast. Something quite therapeutic about Disney songs!

I'm back home now avoiding her. She made comment "when are you going out?" as in she wanted me out of the house. I just ignored her. I'd find something to do ordinarily, but she is off out herself for a facial or some other treatment at lunchtime so I need to be around for kids anyway.

I really don't like the woman any more and I don't really feel I can be friends with her after we divorce. I'm a naturally optimistic person who tries to see good in people. I can't currently see any in my wife. I'll try my best so the kids don't pick up on my negative feelings towards their mother, and I'm resolved now to just be the best dad I can possibly be to them. They didn't want or deserve any of this and I can't let them suffer.

Above all, I'm actually feeling ok again this morning. I think last night was just a wobble.

Hope everyone has a good weekend

I've just read the whole thread... OP you sound a lovely, genuine man and you're children are lucky to have the stability and security with you. Please think about keeping them in the house with you.

Please keep records of everything, no matter how little or petty it seems but if this ends up getting nasty you'll need records.

It was really sad to read how she made you feel the other night, I can't believe her friends genuinely think this is funny - but then you don't know what she has been telling them!

Keep smiling, your children need you. It will get easier. Are you still going to Disney?

Stay strong OP, I wouldn't trust your STBXW!

@washingatiger

Thanks for the kind comments. I've re-read the thread myself today and can't really believe how supportive everyone has been. I've just tried to keep my dignity and put my kids first. It's appreciated!

You are right, I don't know what she has told them. Some of them are already separated and/or divorced, so it's like she is joining the club, but she already has a toyboy in tow so has something to brag about.

We went to Disney in the last bank holiday. Our next trip was booked for the summer holidays, with my wife's mum and her husband. It's looking likely I'll be going with them and the kids as my wife just isn't interested in going. Slightly odd to be holidaying with mother in law, but she was the one who initially offered me support before I found out about the affair. We'll remain friends after this even if I'm not with my wife.

As a further update from today for those that are interested... my wife went out for her facial or whatever it was and I vacced the house. I did the sofas and it evolved into a game where we built a fort and filled it with balloons, whilst watching toy story. Youngest was happy playing in there and so I helped eldest with a cv for school careers week. My wife came home whilst this was going on, complained about the state of the house, how loud the telly was and then got really fidgety and upset that the 3 of us were quite happy doing our own things without her.

She eventually got up and went out again. No idea where to, but she came back around tea time and had obviously been crying. She'd promised to make rice krispy buns this afternoon but it never happened, although to be fair little one didn't mention it. Come to little ones bed time, instead of my wife making an effort to take her to bed, she got dolled up to go out again. All she said was she'd be back late and she has her keys. So I took little one to bed again... not that I mind!

I enjoyed today, but it was meant to be my wife's day to do childcare leaving me to do other things. I hadn't anything planned, but that's not really the point!

Anyway, a much better end to the day than yesterday!

Just keep diarising everything (use this as a resource if necessary) and keep it up your sleeve. This woman is going to get nasty during the divorce. She will claim abuse and alienation. She will use every trick in the book.

Keep the Disney songs as back up when you need a lift. No one can be sad singing Disney at full pelt!

@justilou1

Yes, and this has actually already happened to an extent. I drive quite a bit for work and on one of my long drives home my brain managed to put some of the pieces of the jigsaw together (before all of it came out in full). For whatever reason a name popped into my head, and other things fitted together.

I was on speaking terms with my wife at this point and didn't fully know she was having an affair. I got in, got changed and as she was home first I asked if we'd had any calls. She just said we'd had a PPI cold caller but nothing else. I said to her, "have we had a call from X?", with X been the name that popped into my head.

Her demeanour changed completely, her face dropped and she started to accuse me of stalking her. It wasn't like that, it's just a name she'd mentioned months ago, and for whatever reason my brain filed it as important! She went on to say that I was starting to scare her, then that she felt threatened and then that I was towering above her (not something I can help!), then that she didn't feel safe leaving the children with me. I was baffled, as all I'd done was mention a name and it turned into accusations of abuse etc. I think it got to her that I wasn't some wally who was oblivious to her antics.

Ironically, the only one who has raised hands in anger in our relationship was her when I once got her the wrong miss dior perfume (I got her a light greenish colour one rather than a lightish yellow... they both looked and smelt the same to me!). It wasn't a punch or anything, just a whack on my chest along with the "I don't love her enough etc.". I didn't do anything, but that incident will always stick with me as it was a shock to be hit by her over something that was meant to be a thoughtful gift.

She eventually got in last night at 12.30am after been out somewhere. Today she is out with her dad, so childcare will be me again. However as it's father's day, I really don't mind!

I was thinking that the messaging chat you saw was probably a herd of women in a similar situation to hers as well.... (probably worse, because their husbands are probably actual jerks.) Women they are probably quite competitive when together, playing the “whose husband is the most abusive prick and stupider than yours?” They will probably all be like a murder of crows, picking over each other’s marriages and exaggerating/fabricating conversations and slights to bond with. (Over copious amounts of wine and stories of lost youth and all the fun they sacrificed for husband and family, no doubt....)
If you can sneak her phone and get copies of these chats, could be quite valuable too.

Haha, no chance on the phone. It's more secure than the crown jewels. Passwords on top of passwords!