Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

You need to call your wife’s bluff on the home issue. You should also tell your children what is happening.

No one who moves for positive reasons (new job, inheritance etc) worries about children leaving the ‘home’. A home is just a house and your children will be happy anywhere they are provided with a space and surrounded with love and support. In my experience it is the adults who become emotionally attached to a house. Children regard a house move as an adventure, especially if it is presented that way to them.

You can just tell your wife that you will be informing the children tomorrow and she can either be with you, and present a united front, or not. And, to any rant, just repeat that this is what is happening.

Also, tell your family as soon as possible. You have nothing to be ashamed of and everyone should know what is happening.

For your emotional health you need to start living with the new reality, surrounded by supportive people and with your children knowing what is happening and not just sensing a bad atmosphere. The sooner that they start to adjust, the happier they will be.

Your wife also will have to engage with the new reality, no more levers to pull and the hard facts of divorce law.

What a very difficult situation. One of my (now ex) friends left her DH in this way and it was awful for everyone but he got through it and eventually he ex (also a friend of mine) married a lovely woman. Don't despair and keep posting here for support.

She cant just do whatever whenever No one even knows the male friend .Im always mindful of what ones past is around vunerable children.
This is just all so upsetting has she no brakes, no stop and think ,no lets calm down a bit.
Thanks heavens shes got a sensible mother .
Prepare to be tested dont whatever you do descend low. Dignity must be your game

Hi @Areallusernamestaken, sorry been MIA, just popped off to have a baby .
Wanted to check in and see how you're getting on?
X

Hey @jackio2205

Congratulations on the baby, hope everything went ok?

Apologies for not posting in a while, been quite busy. I'm generally feeling ok actually. I feel I've got more energy to do things than I have done for ages and am looking out for positives. I think I'm going for a walk in a local woodland this afternoon as I really enjoy been out in the fresh air!

Unfortunately I didn't get the job I went for, but made the final 2. The person who got it had much more experience in the sector, so I'm not really that disappointed. I've also applied to be special police constable, so hopefully if im successful I can perhaps do this in any days where the wife has kids.

At home the atmosphere is odd. She seems to be angry all the time, which is weird as she caused the mess. My youngest still wants not much to do with her mum, so much so she refused to go out with her yesterday. I got both barrels from my wife... "you nasty f@$king b@stard, getting into a 5 year olds mind... evil sh!t etc..." In a previous life all this would have upset me, but it washed over me without me feeling anything. My conscience is clear, I know I haven't done anything to deter daughter from going out with her mum so she can spout off all she wants.

The mortgage is getting sorted so I should be able to buy her out. Once I've got that in place I'm going to issue divorce proceedings against her.

The weirdest thing today is that I'm out getting her birthday cards and presents from kids. I don't think I'll get anything for father's day, but I'm not going to stoop to low levels like that.

Overall, as I said I'm feeling quite good in the circumstances. Looking back 2 months I never thought I'd get to this stage. I've also found people, even if they are virtual strangers, can be the nicest, most generous of people who are prepared to listen, advise and support. I think I've learnt that no matter how bad things get, there are always people who want to help. Hopefully i can become one of those people... it was one of the reasons why I've applied to be a voluntary police officer.

Take care all

Yeah good thanks!

Glad you're feeling good, they say actually that getting 'grounded' is great for energy and spirit, so great idea being in nature rather than indoors!
All you can do at every opportunity is 'the right thing' if you can lay ur head at night knowing you did the right thing regardless, your concious will always be clear and you'll never feel bad for inmature stuff or for being as nasty as she is, so i think a lovely idea to get her something for her birthday.

I hope you've found all replies comforting, I think you've put out a lot of good energy and are certainly deserving of it to come back!! Good luck with the police, I'm sure you'll do great!
X

You sound very positive and in a healthy mind space, well done

I'd be keeping a diary of everything, the threats, how much time she spends with the children etc. I would absolutely try for more than 50/50.

@Areallusernamestaken

I've just discovered your thread and read it from start to finish.

What really comes across for me is that you've gone from a state of shock and hurt through to where you are today with immense humility and grace.

Your thoughts all the way through have been what's best for your kids and they will love and thank you for that. Well, they do already but when they grow into women themselves, they will never forget the love you have shown them.

It is a shame your 'wife' does not have this bond with them, but it is entirely of her own doing (well, lack of 'doing' if that makes sense).

I hope you can reach a financial agreement that doesn't put you in the backseat, because it doesn't' sound as if she is bothered about anyone apart from herself.

I would absolutely try for more that 50/50. You sound like a much better parent and I think your DC would be much happier spending more time with you. If the house has to be sold as a result, so be it. Bricks and mortar will never matter as much as the time and love you can (and do) show them.

Good luck with it all, I will pop back and see how you're getting on. But honestly, you're going to be fine.

Hello again.

Thanks all for the additional comments and support. Very much appreciated!

Just a quick update. I've now arranged with the bank to extend my mortgage and buy my wife out. I should have the cash in 6-8 weeks.

At home things are weird, and the situation between my wife and youngest is as bad as it has been. Tonight my wife attempted to take little one to bed. All hell ensued with daughter screaming and crying, my wife screaming (and crying) and me just trying to keep out of the way.

It was awful to hear my daughter screaming for daddy and my wife shouting at her to please go to bed nicely. I didn't want to get involved as they really need to get along. However my wife gave up and stormed downstairs shouting and swearing at me. I shrugged and went to put daughter to bed, then went in shower to have 5 minutes of peace!

After shower I went downstairs and my wife was sobbing. She said how she has messed up and doesn't want to leave her home. I basically said tough, it's too late and that in a couple of months it won't be her home and I will be the sole name on the deeds. I felt really awful saying that to her, with her been upset, but all of this mess is on her shoulders.

I asked her why she didn't think about the consequences of her actions on me and kids, and her home. She just said she didn't think of anything, and "couldn't help it".

She then started panicking saying she will be homeless with nowhere to go. I told her I wouldn't kick her out before she found somewhere but that she had to promise to look properly, not he half arsed attempt she has made up to this point. I know this might seem soft on my part, but I can't see someone thrown into the street with nowhere to go. Im really not a bad person, and it's against my nature to be bad cop, but I had to make clear this evening that her living in this house is coming to an end.

I feel a bit crappy about myself now, but know it had to be done.

A small amount of progress... although I still wish none if this had happened! I don't think I'll ever understand her reasoning as to why she did what she has done. She even admitted tonight that there was nothing wrong in our marriage that drove her to it and she had everything she wanted. I'm totally baffled

Areallusernamestaken, I remain impressed by how you are handling yourself, and writing so eloquently about what (I know first hand) is an emotional and horrible process.

You staying out of the mother/daughter bedtime kerfuffle was wise!

I might get shot down here when I say: it sounds like you've got a more complex STBXW than mine (who's just dishonest and nuts)!

Keep you humour and chin up!

Told you the law of gravity what goes up must come down.Horrible to say this reaction from her gives me a little sense of satisfaction
The question is will you sway will you try and work it out only time will tell.
Can work out depending on both of you,
You’ve seen a part of her that you never knew existed
How badly do you want it to work can you see her in the future holding a bed pan for you if the need arouse would she clean your you if the need arouse
Lots to think about only you can decide there are never any guarantees in life .Are you going to take the chance and see.

Have you taken legal advice? I'm just concerned about you buying her out before you sort the divorce! Because the divorce is when you split the marital assets and the house will be counted as one even in your name. She could have a case for half the house even if you say you've already brought her out.

A friend of mine is divorcing and she split 7 years ago, her and her dh split the finances at that point inc housing. Her solicitor has said if she wants to go for half his (new) house again now there would be a case. She has said no.

She won't be homeless, she can go stay with family until she can rent some where else to live. Or she can look to rent somewhere ASAP.

She then started panicking saying she will be homeless with nowhere to go. I told her I wouldn't kick her out before she found somewhere but that she had to promise to look properly, not he half arsed attempt she has made up to this point. That's all well and good but how long to you give her. You need to give her a time limit as to when she has to move out as she well carry on 'pretending' she can't find anywhere to live.

I would tie the money into her leaving as well. Do not give her the money while she is still living at your home. 6 to 8 weeks is plenty of time for her to find somewhere to live. Alright she may not be able to buy somewhere but she can certainly rent somewhere else for the short term.

She crying not because she is unhappy, she crying because she realising that the consequences are slapping her in the face.

She knows that she will have to move out.
She knows that she does not have a good relationship with her children.
She knows that she has hurt you and your children beyond measure.

But like all cheaters she can not admit any of this is her fault because then she has to admit that she is not a nice person.

She has to make you feel guilty about your actions, to make her feel better. And unfortunately she is going have to live with her actions, her choices and if that means her relationship with her children, especially your youngest child are damaged permanently then she is going to have to live with it.

Where as she can see you have done and is continuing to do everything to put your children first and doing what is best for them and then yourself, and make sure that they feel safe.

I’m guessing that not all is going swimmingly with the boyfriend. Not your problem. Don’t fall for this shit. She’s shown how much she respects you and how much she values the “family unit” she’s been ignoring while having fun.
DON’T GIVE HER A BLOODY PENNY!!!!
Get a lawyer, get divorce rolling. Stop hiding behind the good cop thing and realize that it’s why you’re in the position you’re in now. (Won’t work for you when you’re a real cop, either, BTW...) You have to establish clear boundaries. NOW.

Thanks for the comments, I'll try to respond to each one in turn.

@nsa2103

Yep, emotionally horrible. I don't wish anything like this on anyone. I think I just reached a stage where my old personality fought through the grim cloak that had been thrown over me. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly, but I guess individuals cope at different speeds. I can now laugh, and enjoy days without the constant pain in my gut. Like I said, I wish none of this had happened, but it has I and have to get on with things.

Yes, my wife is totally befuddled. No idea what is going on in her head.

@palaver1

In a horrible way it did give me a sense of satisfaction to finally see some emotion from her.

No chance of working it out, I'm divorcing her. I can't trust her ever again, and I never want to feel pain like I have done for a second time. It's a real shame it happened, but I'm not an idiot... if she can do it once she can certainly do it again.

@anthonycrowley

Yes, I've had legal advice and am not giving her a penny until we have documents drafted, likely before the divorce takes place. I've read stories of people double dipping on houses so am wary of doing anything until it's legally binding.

@clutterbugsmum

Yes I know she won't technically be homeless, but I think it's finally dawned on her that our house will shortly no longer be her home.

I told her by the end of July she needs to have found somewhere, or at least have something in the pipeline. This will align with the deeds and mortgage completion.

You are right, she still doesn't accept she has been a horrible person. In fact she said last night that I need to know she is deep down not a nasty person. I just said actions speak louder than words. I also said if she had a magic wand would she go back and change stuff. She just said "what do you want me to say?" I just said she had turned into her dad (who cheated on her mum and devastated my wife's late teenage years). She just cried and said she hadn't and that she wasn't like him. I just told her to look in the mirror and left it at that.

I think her actions are finally catching up with her.

@justilou1

I don't want you to think I'm a quivering mess with a jelly spine in terms of my good cop comments. I can stand my ground, particularly when someone does the wrong thing. However, I can't in good conscious throw my kids' mum out if she hasnt settled somewhere as I don't want them to see their mum struggling. Dont worry, im working through things and wont give her anything until it's legally agreed. I know the end is coming and I'm feeling ok about it. I don't think getting angry or trying to punish her will do any good in the long term. Maybe I'd have a different opinion if there weren't kids involved, bit she'll always be their mum no matter how much pain she has caused.

Gotta say I was worried about her double-dipping into the house finances. She does sound rather entitled. I'm glad you can detach from her. I hope she gets herself some help. She sounds like she's going through something - menopause, maybe? She's a bit of a mess, by the sounds of things. Meanwhile, I'm glad you're there for your dollies!

Just read this whole thread (or all your posts anyway) and I wanted to say how lovely you sound, and how lucky your DDs are to have you. And actually your wife as well, I don't think many people would have acted as compassionately as you. Best of luck, and please keep updating as I'm looking forward to hearing about you living your best life once you've managed to get rid of her!

She's a nasty little narcissist isn't she. Shame her. Shame her on social media (with any proof of the affair/how she is behaving so that she cant sue for slander). When everyone around her starts looking down on her she won't be able to stand it and she'll have to either bugger off far away from it all or do some serious damage control by fixing her shit. Of course she could then turn it round on you but just make sure you have proof of all her texts ect that show how fake she is and you'll be fine.

Well done, OP, you're handling this so well!

I agree that something's going on with your wife. Sorry if you've answered this earlier (I read the thread yesterday) but has anything happened to precipitate her behaviour, like a death in the family?

It sounds like she's either having a breakdown of some description or an early mid-life crisis (you said you had DD1 young). No excuse for her atrocious behaviour, but there's something behind it. I'm so glad you're there for your DC.

I suppose I feel a tiny bit sorry for her as I think she's going to really regret what she's lost with you. But it's her own fault!

Haven't read the whole thread OP but just wanted to say good luck in your future and I hope you find a lovely woman 1 day that will show you the love and respect you deserve 👍🏻

@AmICrazyorWhat2 people get bored unfortunately and instead of booking a night away with their OH they look for or find excitement else were. There is never an excuse for an affair 😶

Yeah...just had a read through this whole thing and you mentioned that she takes rages (lashing out with hurtful comments like 'im going to buy a house with my bf'), lies a lot, seems to have lost her empathy and refuses to apologise or recognise any wrongdoing.

I've noticed a lot of people suggesting she is 'unwell' or may have hurt her head in threat crash and I can't help but wonder if they would be making these excuses if she were the man - because to me she is showing all the signs of a personality disorder (npd or borderline maybe...probably the former as bpd would have presented sooner likely). Aka: she isn't sick, she is just a dick.

Anyway, don't take any snash of her! Keep strong and plough onwards and you'll be free before you know it! (well, we hope anyway xD).

Thanks all for the additional comments. I'll try to respond in the near future when I've a bit more time.

Just as an update to things, another very weird evening. It started with me cooking some tea (as is normal). We haven't gone down the road of separating eating, so I usually do enough for all. I made bbq ribs, rice and salad. Nothing out of the ordinary but my wife went overboard to say it was delicious. Odd, as she's never done that before. I took youngest to bed without issue this evening and came back downstairs.

My wife asked for timescales for moving out, so I confirmed by end of July. She then asked if I'm going to divorce her. I said yes. She then started crying again. I asked her what was wrong now, and she just said she hadn't thought things through and doesn't want to leave her home. I basically said tough, its all on her and I've been more than reasonable, even willing to forgive when it first came out what she'd been up to.

I asked her why she carried things on with this guy. She said she didn't know. I summarised the position as; choose me = win, keep decent life and kids happy. choose him = lose everything, kids hate her, long term prospects not so good. I said she chose him so she loses; the house, kids respect, loving husband, decent life.

Her angry head then came back and said I was backing her into a corner. I just told her to stop been so silly. She then accused me of "flashing the cash" to get into kids good books. I told her trips out and cinema were Tesco vouchers, so free with nil cost, and that if she added up what id spent on the kids (a stuffed toy and a couple of tops along with a KFC) it was less than she had spent on herself in Oasis alone.

Obviously losing the argument she picked up her bag and said she was off out. I asked where and she just said "out". So now I'm by myself with kids again and she is out God knows where.

So, so strange. It is obvious she doesn't want to lose her lifestyle, but didn't think to not have an affair. I really don't know what she was expecting as the outcome of her antics. Bizarre!