Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

If she splits up with her boyfriend it can either go two ways

1. she has lost the bloke, she’s lost her marriage and could get nasty and try and claw every thing from you. Her attention will be solely focused on getting you out as she won’t have any distraction, nothing at the end of the ‘rainbow’

2. Start trying to worm her way back in.

Depression fall out is a good book, it’s about when some one in your family has it. You can down load it to your phone.

You do need to start protecting yourself legally. It’s unwise to let her drive this.

Hello all (that are interested!),

I thought I'd update my circumstances. Apologies if I'm rambling and for a long post, I've used this forum as almost a brain dump to get all my thoughts and feelings out.

My wife is still in same house as me. She has been to see one place but I don't think she likes it. As of now there is no moving out date. She is still on settee at night, and is angling for alternate nights in bed/on settee. No chance!

We've not told the kids yet or wider family as she wants to wait until she gets sorted elsewhere. I can live with this.

She is also still trying to get me to cancel the Disney Paris trip, despite saying previously it was ok. Her mind on this changes like the wind. If she does make me cancel I've decided to take kids to Florida in the summer holidays instead. The credit card will take a battering, but they deserve a nice break. So do I!

I've been in touch with the bank and got agreement in principle to buy her out. This will take a couple of months to sort but things are moving forwards. She hasn't yet given me anything for running costs for the house. I'm not going to chase, but will take it off any settlements for contents. So far this is almost £1k and rising.

Most importantly I wanted to update you on my frame of mind. It's weird, over the last few days I've almost become at peace with the situation. I no longer have the twisted feeling in my belly that stopped me eating properly. I've actually put on a couple of pounds! The dreams about the situation have almost stopped and I don't really feel anything towards her now. It almost doesn't feel like she was ever my wife which is bizarre as we've been together almost 20 years. These feelings/thoughts are new to me, as she is all I've known or cared about and loved for so long. I didn't expect my feelings to evaporate to such an extent so soon.

So now i find myself in the odd situation of living with someone that feels almost like a stranger, despite knowing her for more than half my life. My frustrations about her constant texting are gone, I'm not really fussed what she does any more, and her angry outbursts don't really hit me the way they used to. Its still annoying what she has done and the future we could have had is gone but it's not overwhelming me any more.

Is this normal? To go from gutted to almost not caring? It's been almost 6 months of horrible anguish, pain and emotional suffering but now these feelings have stopped almost entirely. I'm sure I'll feel crappy when she does move out and wardrobes are empty, her make up gone etc. but I don't think it will cripple me like I was worried it might do.

Are these feelings normal? Or am I going to come crashing back down to earth? I hope I'm on the road to recovery but worried at some point things will take a turn for the worse.

I've even felt confident enough to apply for a new job (not told wife)... I just feel like I need to start afresh. Again, all very new and strange for me as ive been in a partnership for so long, having no one to tell or look for support for such a big thing.

My main worry now, oddly, is been alone as ive never lived by myself. I moved straight from parents into our first house. I know I'll have kids for at least 50% of the time and have a cat but it does feel daunting. Im fully house trained so chores are not the issue, it's more of the long winter nights I'm apprehensive about.

I'm also worried about if I'll ever find anyone else. Having your wife dump you for a younger model is quite difficult to take, even as a man it makes you feel ugly and worthless and generally unattractive. I think I know I'm not ugly, certainly no one has ever said that or commented negatively on what I look like (I'm 6ft 2, 12st, bit of a dad bod ), but as my wife has been the only person I've ever known to show an interest in me, except the guy at Pret (see previous comments ) it does make me worry! Sad as it is I even uploaded a picture of myself to prettyscale (site that rates your appearance). I got 83% pretty which did make me feel a bit better! Haha

Thanks all for taking the time to read this, I've really appreciated all the feedback and support. It has definately helped me cope and push through this horrible period in my life. I know there's a long way to go but I think I've finally started the journey.

Hey OP - feeling like that is completely normal. Sometimes it's like there's so much drama and stress and upset that your brain can't handle it any more and you go from caring too much, to feeling like you don't care at all. It'll go up and down, but you sound like you're in a good place mentally right now and that's a good thing. Having a plan (new job/Disney, etc) helps because it's working forwards towards something.

And don't worry about living by yourself! The peace and quiet - eating/wearing/watching/doing what you want, when you want is quite liberating!

@le1la

Thanks for the reply. It is reassuring that what I'm feeling is normal in the circumstances. I think I will always regret what has happened and play the "what if" game mentally forever, but I know I can't dwell and think my brain is taking over from my heart.

I am looking forwards; the prospect of a new job, holiday with kids (wherever that is!), and I've also started to look at weekend breaks and thinking about travelling. I've always wanted to go to New York and Dubai. Having kids and a wife made these places very expensive, and not that practical. Going outside school holiday time by yourself the prices are not massive so once all this is finalised I might save and give myself a treat.

I'm sure I'll be ok on my own, it's just not something I've ever experienced or really imagined so the prospect is a little frightening!

@Areallusernamestaken

I think the gutted feeling will probably make an appearance from time to time, but the difference is that YOU are moving forwards and are feeling more settled mentally, so it won't feel so debilitating. Make sure you have some plans the first couple of times you're on your own though - just in case the empty house triggers some grief.

I'm honestly gutted for you - it's genuinely so clear how much love you have/had for your wife and I really hope you get the happy ending you deserve.

New York and Dubai sound amazing! And I really hope the trip to Disney works out for you and the DC.

@le1la

Thank you, your reply has genuinely brought tears to my eyes.

@Areallusernamestaken
I completely concur with @le1la's comments, and admire your candour in summing up how you are feeling.

After 18 months (from discovery her committing adultery) and us still living under the same roof, my feelings have calmed down. Little things used to wind me up, but now I just let them pass. My sense of humour has darkened a bit, and I look forward to the future without her: these thoughts and others keep me going. I know I'll have good days and bad: you will too.

I found a good book: Transitions by William Bridges. That explains about going through a tough process like divorce, and the phases you'll go through. I recommend it.

All the best

Hope you've given this to your ex 🖕🏻
Take the kids to Disney get the passports and give them to a trusted friend. She can't stop you. Don't ruin it for them she's done enough of that.
Sounds like your heading in the right direction it's your time now be selfish, have fun, laugh and be you!! Don't let anyone make you feel like this been there done that totally out of the other side ( except still dealing with prick of an ex for divorce financials 🙄)

Thanks for the additional comments @nsa2103 and @ivegotthosyeah

Things are moving forwards. Disney is all systems go, looking forward to some time away this weekend.

My wife could be renting somewhere in the next couple of weeks which will be a relief. She is on a shortlist for a property nearby.

It will be sad to see the end of things officially when all her stuff and half of furniture is gone, but I know it's for the best. The thing I am dreading is losing my youngest for 50% of the week - the oldest does as they please. We have yet to agree to days for custody during the week. Currently 5 year old doesn't want anything to do with her mum and tells her to shoo or go away if she comes close. It will break my heart if she screams to stay with daddy. I know in my head it's best if she has a relationship with her mum but selfishly (and unrealistically) I want her to stay at home with me.

She has been like my shadow for the past 3 years and we have done everything together. I've potty trained her, taught her to read and count and taken her to loads of places (play gyms, seaside, zoo etc.). It may seem odd for a father and daughter of only 5 years old, but we are best friends and it's going to hurt both of us to be split up. However, I know it has to happen, I just have to accept and focus on the data we are together.

On the selfish side of things I've got a job interview next week where I'm one of two candidates. Its a sideways step rather than a move up the ladder, but opens up opportunities in terms of career and meeting new people.

I'm sure I'll find other new things to do, it's just still unbelievable sometimes that this is happening to me, that I'm heading for divorce. The whole thing seems surreal! This type of thing only happens to other people?!

Take care all.

@Areallusernamestaken, have a wonderful time this weekend.

Your guy at Pret story really made me chuckle!

Your relationship with your 5 year old sounds amazing. Yes, splitting your time with her in the future will not be easy, but you being so close in her early years will not be lost or forgotten. Try to take comfort from that.

Bizarrely reading your story gives me faith in the fact there are good men out there, most on this board are women dumped by men for younger models (or just men who "want a change") hope you can get things sorted and amicably get a child plan together because the kids deserve it even if she doesn't

@stucknoue

Thanks for the post. I hope we can get things sorted too. My whole situation still feels surreal, but I think I've accepted what has to happen. In my heart I wish it didn't have to, but I know it must.

We have discussed the kids briefly. First of all my wife said i should count myself lucky that she will do 50:50 as most dads just get alternate weekends (i think she is basing this on what toyboy does with his kid). But when she realised that wasn't an option for me, we started looking at alternate, but set nights during the week for youngest e.g. Monday, Wednesday with mum, Tuesday, Thursday with me based on childcare eg grandparents ability to collect from school, and then alternate fri/sat/sun depending on our separate plans, but making sure that over 14 days we got 7 days each. We both agreed that we should try to see kids everyday, even if it's just for a brief period . For oldest we are going to play it be ear, depending on what they want to do.

However, my wife then saw her solicitor and they said that our plan was silly and that the youngest should stay 4 full days, 3 full days on alternate weeks to prevent the child feeling like they were living out of a suitcase. Tbh I'm not keen on that as selfishly I'd miss my daughter and I think she'd miss me... I don't know what is best???

My 5 year old loves her room and little bed, she has toys and bits/bobs set up just as she likes it. Her pictures from school are on the wall and to her its just perfect. It seems cruel to make her sleep elsewhere because of something selfish my idiot wife has done, but i know that for 50:50 she has to live elsewhere for half the time. I'd dearly like to push for more than 50% but I don't want to waste £000s in legal fees, and I'm scared that id lose because im the dad and potentially get less than 50%. I'm so torn with what to do and what is best for my children???

However, I genuinely think full custody for me would be best as my wife just doesn't seem interested in parenting. She never reads with 5 year old, or looks at stuff brought home from school, doesn't wash or sort out uniform, hasn't bathed her in months, doesn't prepare any meals, rarely takes her to bed. For her, work and getting herself ready just take priority, alongside copious phone usage. I don't know how she would cope with a 4 day period (per her solicitor suggestion) and if I'm honest I dont even know how she will look after herself when she eventually moves out. It may be the making of her, having to do everything herself, but I've yet to see any sign of this... I still do all of food shopping, cooking, all of washing, cleaning etc. I can't obviously split out her stuff as kids still not been told there are issues. I know, I'm a mug! I'm also still waiting for her to pay me her share of May's bills. I've itemised it all, but I don't feel comfortable chasing her for debts (mug again?!).

Separation and divorce is such hard work! Why can't cheating partners think about what they are doing and if it's actually worth it before they betray and destroy their families!!?

If you want to be the parent with care and your ex to have the kids for a % of time then do that. It doesn't have to be 50/50. Sometimes that's not what's best for the kids. Although she might do more parenting when she has to as it'll just be her. How will the childcare work when you live apart? Both of you seeing the kids every day may not be the best for them as it might be too confusing but you'll only know if you try it.🤷🏻‍♀️ I wish you all the best with it all and enjoy Disney!

I've got to be honest 50/50 one week one week works best for us. Chopping up the weeks was just such a headache, the kids would end up with all the wrong clothes in the wrong house because swimming happened on changeover day etc.

The things to remember are:
What you agree for now for a 5 yo is not necessarily going to suit a 15yo in the future.

You're life will change, so try and have a plan that will make changes possible without going through court each time.

Whatever is the status quo is the most likely option if decided by the judge. So if she has every other weekend now that's most likely what she'll get.

I'd recommend that as far as possible things are equitable so you can take money out of the equation as much as you can. Divorce and separation are awful enough without the money. Add in fighting over money and it's too dreadful.

But most of all good legal advice. And not just from one lawyer. See several and get the best fit for you.

Back from a lovely weekend at Disney, and straight into more woes with my wife... again, I'll keep this thread updated for anyone interested, but also for myself as I've found writing my thoughts has helped immensely in coping with what is going on.

She pulled out of the rental property saying she doesn't want to leave her home, but at the same time saying she doesn't want to be in the same house as me. I have reiterated what I told her before that we can convert the spare room for her and we are lucky enough to have enough space to avoid each other. She still says no to this, so I am at a loss as to what she wants, other than for me to leave and keep paying for the house.

It's depressing, but i think all she really wants is to replace me with the younger model and keep everything else the same, basically discard me like a used toy and pick up where she left off with the newer version.

None of this is going to happen, however, and she really needs to face reality. I'm just not sure how to make her do that!

On top of this my youngest told me earlier today that she hates her mum and that we should only do things without her mum in future. It was quite shocking to hear a 5 year old say this as no matter what has gone on I don't want kids to be in the middle or take sides. I have never said or done anything in front of our children that would lead to this opinion been formed, and if im honest it did upset me a bit. It just makes the prospect of splitting the family even more scary. How can you stop a 5 year old from hating a parent? I'll get the blame if my wife finds out what my daughter's opinion is of her and I worry she will tell her solicitor to try and get more custody because I've "poisoned" the child against her. The fact she has ignored her kids for months won't come into it, it will be my fault.

It was so nice to be sheltered from all this at the weekend. I wish I could jump forward to when everything is sorted. I'm getting bored of this situation and want to move on!

Perhaps you should be trying to implement her (or her solicitor's) suggestions regarding childcare whilst living in the same house. See how that works in these simpler conditions without the children having to move between houses. That might be some kind of reality check for her (or both of you)?

Be careful not to be put in a position where she can claim some kind of violence as a way to try to get you out.

Hey @Areallusernamestaken, just a few points from me
1- all your reasoning of everything actually is sound, i completely agree that a 5 year old shouldn't be spending 4 days here and 3 days there with school etc, I actually think that is more disruptive.
2- I absolutely applaud you for keeping so calm and logical and pragmatic about everything, I would love to set you up with a friend of mine actually, you come across so well rounded and mature, it's so admirable, well done, keep up the positive steps and attitude! BTW, not that u need to find anyone else, you'll be great either way, just meant that you come across as a catch that's all!
3- my friends mum showed a similar set of behaviours and it turned out she had an aneurysm. That doesn't help u one bit, but just thought i'd throw that out there in case it helps explain something one day.

Good luck with everything, new job included, even a side step is a step! X

@waterspider

Thanks for the useful suggestions, it's something I could definately approach my wife about. I'm not sure she'd fully engage though, as I've tried to split weekends up with not much success. For example, she'd do the childcare Saturday and me Sunday. Pretty much every weekend results in me doing both days as wife "has to buy a top for work", or "Do you mind if I just go for a swim?". I can't remember the last time she had that responsibility for a full day ie doing stuff and preparing 3 meals etc. I'm not saying she couldn't do it, just that I don't think she'd want to.

It's really odd because she took extended maternity leave (2 years) and did all the normal motherly stuff and did it really well. She was a perfect mummy; doing everything you would expect. She then got a job where she currently works, started a fitness regime and obsessing about looking young, neglecting the kids, house and me alongside a phone obsession. Looking back, I think she had a thing for this guy for a long time. I just feel so foolish giving her so much support, in effect helping her to cheat on me. Oh well, you live and learn!

In terms of violence, I'm a gentle giant. I'm over 6ft and guess I could be threatening if I wanted as I'm 1 foot bigger and 4st heavier than her, but it's really not something I'm capable of. I hate seeing people upset, even strangers, and could never bring myself to threaten her. I even feel sorry for her now as she seems so down, despite what she has done to me.... stupid empathy! I will be careful though, as I wouldn't put it past her to do something like this and accuse me of doing things I haven't actually done.

@jackio2205

your message made me blush! Haha! I really don't mind contacting new people at this stage if you have a friend that wants to contact me. However, I don't think it's fair to anyone (me, kids, wife, family, other people, your friend) for me to think about a new relationship whilst things are still messy. Very few people, including our children, know what is going on so I don't want to confuse matters. That been said, I have to start at somepoint, and I guess if you friend wants to DM me that's fine!

I have been thinking about what's next for me though, and worrying about online dating/meeting other people. It seems so scary out there online and every woman I see in the street seems to have either a wedding or engagement ring on! I've read other mumsnet forums about online dating disasters and can't believe I'm having to think about this! I don't even know what type of woman I'm into as my radar in terms of searching has been off for the best part of 20 years (met wife at uni).

In terms of explaining her behaviour, I just think she feels she missed out on things having a child very early (21), alongside continuing bouts of depression and anxiety. Hearing people at her work talk about the partying in their 20s whilst we were struggling to bring up a child has always been a bug bear of hers. I think she is scared of getting older and "missing out", hence the increased drinking and going out, fitness craze, dressing younger, toyboy etc.

I can understand it to an extent as I spent most of my 20s working 12 hours a day then college on a weekend and evenings to provide for us. I missed out on partying etc and I do have regrets for things i couldn't do, but it doesn't mean I would ever destroy my family or have an affair just to relive my youth. I don't think I'll ever fully understand what she has chosen to do. We struggled for years to get to where we are now. As soon as we got to where we wanted to be financially, family-wise and where we live she decides to literally go back 10 years to struggle all over again. Madness!

I've got the job interview tomorrow so thanks for the good luck message. I'm not worried about it though... what will be, will be!

OK, this "It's really odd because she took extended maternity leave (2 years) and did all the normal motherly stuff and did it really well. She was a perfect mummy; doing everything you would expect. She then got a job where she currently works, started a fitness regime and obsessing about looking young, neglecting the kids, house and me alongside a phone obsession."

That sounds like someone who 'lost themself' in motherhood then rebounded and was mourning the loss of their 'me time'. Maybe didn't find motherhood to be the role they wanted? How long has the affair been continuing? Could be something about craving more spontaneity and 'lost youth'. Reading between the lines, you want more certainty and 'routine' -- which is fine, but could be of relevance.

Communication seems to be an issue between you. May seem a bit weird, but have you tried writing a letter or emailing to talk about stuff -- like paying for the house?

All you can really do is to proceed with the divorce which will sort out living arrangements. Probably that will mean attending mediation to discuss arrangements between you. Try to be the one who is the petitioner, as it gives a bit more of a feeling of control (and you have her affair as the reason to do so).

Also, can you take a leaf out of her book, and start doing more fitness stuff (you did mention a dad bod)? I recommend (at zero cost ...) this home workout

Good luck.

I really wouldn't worry too much about dating yet. I know you aren't actually planning it, and your fears are understandable but once everything is sorted and you are healing, you'll find the time and the emotional energy.

Whatever you do do not please do not get onto any of thoes dating sites dont date please not for now there are people cruising for vunerable people like you

You are a normal bloke yes maybe the fire has dampen down a bit maybe you moved your eyes from flames but whatever the case noone deserves to be treated disrepectfully .
Anyone that can admit their mums got a big mouth is worth my respect lol
Things will get easier concentrate on the children but make sure you let the bank know as well as credit cards if you have any in both names that your putting a stop as your not responsible for her share .
Do tell your family why SHOULD you not .wait and watch but prepare yourself by making sure she doesnt come back to lay claim to any money when this is over her toy boy will stay till there is nothing left
I feel better that you do not say you love this new person who you saw as your wife it will make it easier
Remember she is not your friend
All the best

@waterspider

In terms of why she had/is having an affair, I've given up trying to find reasons. It's happened and I can't turn the clock back. I have to move forwards but will always regret what has happened. I know I've been a good husband, put her and kids first, worked my guts out to provide a decent life, given her gifts and surprise trips to theatre etc. I hope one day she looks back and appreciates what I did for her and acknowledges the hurt she has caused.

Communication is difficult as it often ends with her getting angry. I've tried WhatsApp to get my feelings across and to try work on finances. She just says she doesn't have time to read the messages. I think on her part she is sticking her head in the sand... not sure why as she has been the driver in all this. I'm sure it will get sorted at some point in time, but at this stage I've no idea when!

Thanks for the fitness advice! I'm by no means overweight (6'2" and 12 stone), but not exactly toned! I've started swimming and have some old weights that I can dust off. I do feel better after swimming, so will likely keep it up.

@donajimena

Yes you are right, I'm not really thinking of dating imminently. I am missing the companionship we had though and would like that again in the future with someone. It's just nice to walk at the seaside with someone special, and spend quality time together, having a meal or a drink. Obviously the sex side of things is a bonus too, although that will be another hurdle / worry when I get to that stage as my wife is the only person I've been with in that way (never had any complaints though!)

@palaver1

I've thought about dating sites in the future, though I know its too soon to do it now. It does seem a scary place online from reading other forums!

I've cut up any cards she had that were in my name and told the bank to split our joint account so I'm the only user. I don't think she would do anything like that in terms of running up huge debts, but I've taken the precaution of sorting that out so it can't happen. I'm also getting my solicitor to draft legal agreements for our house and contents so she can't come back for more than we agree.

You are right, I don't love what my wife has become and wouldn't be able to take her back as I think all my feelings for her have gone. I'll always care about her as we have spent over half our lives together and that can never be taken away, but you can't love someone who is able to betray your trust so easily and not have any empathy about how hurtful their actions have been. If she'd shown any sorrow for what has taken place then perhaps, but there has been nothing but stubbornness from her. She "loves" toyboy and doesn't feel any remorse for the pain she has caused me or the likely impact on our kids.

It not relevant what your wife did or didn't do when the children were babies, you can only deal with her behaviour she is displaying now.

She wants her cake and eat. You are still providing everything for her at home. And her doing what she wants, when she wants.

I think you do need to stop doing things for her, stop doing her cooking, cleaning and washing. And you do need to tell that she owe's £XXX for May's bill and you expect June's money to be paid in full at the start of the month.

If she looking after the children on Saturday's then you need to make yourself unavailable for that day or if you are at home and she looking for an excuse to go out with the children tell her it's her day, so she either takes the children with her or she can do it on one of the 6 days she not around.

The reason your 5 year old is saying she 'hates' her mum is not because she 'hates her' it's more trying to find the correct word to tell you and her mum how she feels. At the moment she only understands like, love or hate.

I hope your interview goes well tomorrow.

@clutterbugsmum

Thanks for the response. I took the bull by the horns today and told her she has to pay me for living costs. She initially refused to pay without evidence. Luckily I'm an accountant so was able to provide a spreadsheet and receipts detailing everything. Finally she reluctantly agreed to pay for May's costs, but I'm still working on June.

Her demands now are that for her to move out in addition to the equity from the house and contents that I need to pay her maintenance or agree to her been main residence for children so he can claim tax credits. I'm not agreeing to either at this stage without speaking to solicitor. At every stage it's money, money, money, and what she is "owed". The welfare of our kids never seems top of her list.

In addition, she let it slip in one of her angry rants that she is planning on buying a house with toyboy pretty much as soon as she moves out. In my opinion this is madness, investing so much in some guy from work. It also doesn't sit well with me as I don't want my youngest to have anything to do with him. Do I have to let this happen??? It just makes me feel sick that my innocent little angel has to meet and potentially live with the guy partially responsible for destroying her family. Is there anything I can do to stop this?

I never thought I'd feel it, but for the first time I felt genuine hatred for my wife for even thinking of doing such a thing to our daughter. I don't like this feeling at all, but my wife has become such a selfish, greedy, uncaring person with little thought for our children (and zero for me, her best friend of 20 years) that it's difficult to not have negative thoughts about her.

I'm not going to let this get me down. I'm taking kids to the chester zoo on Friday, my interview went well today (progressed to 2nd stage) and I know I have a future to look forward to with my children. It's just a shame my current situation is so crappy, all caused by the one person I trusted 100%

Sorry I have no advice about divorce as I’m still married. Not all women who you treat right will be cunts. My husband is also fantastic supporting us, cooking and helping with kids and I know how lucky I am.
Wanted to say that your 15 year old probably knows something is different anyway. Discussed hypothetical divorce with my husband last night and told him that I wouldn’t tell the kids if he had an affair and I’d expect the same back if we are ever in that situation because I don’t want to impact the kids in a negative way so I’d rather tell them we’ve tried but it’s just not working for us. Maybe speak to your 15 year old and let him know it’s going to happen so it’s not so much of a shock to actually hear it. Sounds to me like you have their best interests at heart which is the main thing and sounds like you’re doing a great job with them which you should be very proud of. At least the kids have one parent who has their head screwed on.