Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

Wow, so many supportive messages. Thank you all!

I'm working away today, but will aim to respond to individual points later this evening.

I would speed up the divorce and not tell her you’re going to France.

Pack bags for your children while your wife is out, stash them and your passports at your parents’ home, and pick everything up on your way to the airport. Just tell her you’re taking the children out to visit your parents if she’s home. I would even buy a new suitcase for the trip, so she’s not alerted. Don’t tell the children either, until you’re on your way to the airport.

While being reasonable and having an amicable relationship is in your children’s best interests, she obviously doesn’t think so, so fight fire with fire.

You don't need her permission to take the kids to France. Go as planned.

I would just take the kids to DLP - she sounds awful. I took my kids (who have a different last name to me) without my DH and we had no problems at all.

OP, I think you need the support of some counselling. At the moment she thinks she is in the driving seat and her selfishness means she doesn't care how much she hurts you. You seem bruised and battered when the best thing you could actually do right now is giver her a taste of her own bile.

I also think that you should start keeping a record/ diary of when she goes out/ stays out and leaves you home alone with your 5 year old. She is not fit to share your DC 50/50. On top of this if the DC stay with you, you can possibly go for a larger portion of the equity of the house because you need a home for your DC. I think you need the strength to give back as much shit to her and she has given you.

A counsellor will help you massively.

I agree with Ocean about the record keeping. And counselling - you can pay for a session with Relate on your own (telephone if needs be) to discuss splitting up and how to manage telling the kids etc. But most of all, you need to see a solicitor urgently - not least to be 100% sure you are ok for the Disney trip. I think if you sat in a solicitor's office and they told you the same things we are all telling you it would be a huge boost and you'd feel vindicated. You've a long road ahead of you, get all the help you can. You can get a free interview, or I paid my solicitor £75 for half an hour as I wanted someone a bit more specialised (I was going for an occupation order hence my confusion earlier about other options).

I've never seen MN get behind a Dad so wholeheartedly, we are all rooting for you.

I concur with DishingOutDone. The support and advice given to Areallusernamestaken is fantastic. As a husband and father in exactly the same terrible situation, I was hesitant about reading and posting on this website. But I am very pleased that I have, and personally thank you all for so much effort, support and wisdom.

I pity her TBH. There is no way I'd chance losing my DC over another man. My cousin did this and now her eldest DD doesn't want to know her, her DS is NC with her and her bloke dumped her to go back to his wife and kids. She's lost the respect and support of her extended family too who prefer to direct their energy to support her exDH who brought up the DC.

Orr, I've just quickly logged on and so many really nice and supportive messages, it's made me tear up a bit

I'll reply later in more detail when kids are sorted.

All I can say is thank you all so much for your support

I'll try to reply to as many points as I can. Apologies for any I have unintentionally missed.

@tiddlypops

I've arranged a solicitor meeting next week to get the divorce wheels in motion. I don't think she likes been here anymore if I'm honest as she is sleeping on sofa, I ignore her and even kids ignore her (not thru anything I've said or done - I'd never manipulate them against her as she is still their mum). However, this evening after been ignored again, she just looked genuinely sad and I felt myself feeling sorry for her. It didn't last long as legal threats against me started again re. Disney trip before she left to go out to her dad's.

@decormad38

I know very little about the toyboy other than he dumped his girlfriend and 4 year old recently. He is around 10 years younger than my wife and they work in same office. Other than that i have no idea what he looks like or anything and to be honest i dont want to know! In terms of contraception, my wife gave up the pill due to worries about hormones/cancer that she read online (She is a real hypochondriac and has had numerous "health scares" after reading things online). We relied on the withdrawal method as she didn't like condoms, but she hasnt really been interested in sex since having our 5 year old, stating there's no point in it. Ive said to her that toyboy will expect her to up her game but she just said I don't know what I'm talking about.

@justlikedevon

How awful for you. That is terrible and I couldn't stand for that. I'd have to at least throw cold water over them! I'm slowly realising she is no longer my friend, it's just so hard to accept that your best friend for 20 years can just turn on you in the most painful way.

@sausagerollers

I'm scared of telling kids and I don't know what to tell them if I'm honest. It's also going to kill me to lose my 5 year old for half of the week as we are inseparable. I know some may say that's not healthy or normal, but I've had to bring her up a lot of the time by myself due to wife working or going out. I've forgone work/social life as she is a little miracle as we were told we could never have another child after our oldest (She is definately mine as she is spitting image of oldest and similar features to me when I was young... no need for paternity test! Lol).

@stormy76

Yes I think you are right as they tend to disappear upstairs when wife due home. I just don't know how to broach it.

I have been doing housework for months so the house is in a good state and the kids are well fed and know I'm there for them whatever they need. I've done an online check and can afford to remortgage and get "what she is owed" but my solicitor warned against any settlements until everything done and agreed legally.

I'm pretty certain the "love" for toyboy will not last as I'm not sure he understands what a complex person she is. Also working and living with someone can, I imagine, mean you feel completely smothered by each other. I've told wife to never post anything on social media with toyboy as our oldest follows her and would devastate them to see their mother acting this way.

@theredbarrows

Not sure what amendment exactly. I think she wants me to amend the dates as I have a feeling she's organised something for bank holiday weekend and wants kids with her. Other than that i can't see anything other than spitefulness.

@nagsnovaballs

Yes, I've used this advice this evening. Told her that I'm not changing anything and I'm planning on going. I told her that if she still refuses then it's up to her to tell kids that their mum won't let them go. I'm hesitant about telling kids about toyboy as I don't want them getting more hurt than they need to be.

I have a lot of family nearby so will be able to rely on them when it all comes out. We are not a close touchy feely family but support each other when needed so that dies offer comfort.

@64632k

I honestly don't know what went on at the party when her drink was spiked. I know she has lied about a lot but I do believe it was spiked as others at the party had similar experiences. I do have concerns as the hosts are known for their free love antics but again, will likely never know...it's just part of her spiralling downwards and off the rails.

@nyushka1

Thank you. I've asked myself what I did wrong to deserve this. To be fair she has said it's nothing I've done, but it does make you doubt yourself: am I ugly? Am I worthless? Why me? I've thought it all, but I'm slowly realising I'm just a passenger in her disastrous life choices. It's difficult to get over the feeling of ugliness and self loathing but I'm getting there. A random thing helped the other day. I was at Pret buying a sandwich and choc bar. The guy serving me said the choc was on him. I thought it was odd but after googling found out it's policy that staff can give out freebies to those they find attractive! Lol Its not necessarily the type id like to attract but I can't be that bad looking if a young guy at Pret fancies me! Haha I could have had my own toyboy!

@princesstiggerlily

The reason kids may not know, is that this has been "normal" in some way for almost 6 months. I'm not angry in front of them and they are loved and cared for by me. As I've said above, I'm scared of telling them but know I need to get a backbone and let them know.

@windygate

Thanks, yes I'm pulling stuff together and getting things lined up. With regards to her father, I think he has agreed to pay her legal fees so am expecting a potential fight. I'm hopeful it won't come to this but I have to be ready.

@wallywobbles

Again, thanks for comments. I'm hopeful of getting the ball rolling next week.

I'll keep this thread updated as ive found the others on mums net really useful. If someone in the future needs advice this forum is invaluable.

@halo84

The trouble is we are up North so have a night booked in dover before early morning cross channel trip. I couldn't secretly do it without her finding out. I don't want to be picked up by border force!

@doctordread @redcliffe

Per above, it just not want to risk it and potentially damage any custody arrangements.

@oceanviewsentosa

I genuinely don't feel I need counselling. I asked my solicitor who has a background in mental health if I seemed like I needed anything. She said I seemed remarkably strong for such a horrible situation. I think my kids have helped massively and also allowing my emotions to run their course. I've cried when sad and shouted (when alone in car on motorway), torn and screwed up paper etc. when angry. Its been very therapeutic to allow myself to grieve over this and I can see some hope. I am bruised from it, but a bruise is temporary and will heal in time.

It's a good plan to keep notes and I will start this, also going back ad far as I can remember. It won't be difficult as it's been most weekends since Christmas that I've been by myself with kids.

I also pity her. I know I shouldn't, but I've known her more than half my life. She is my kids mummy and we will forever have that bond. I can't stand what she has done to me and I don't feel love for her any longer and want her out of my life but my natural instinct is to care for others when they seem upset. As I've said in other comments, she is 97% nasty at the moment but when the 3% nice comes out she seems genuinely sad and almost like she can't control herself. I guess I'm an idiot or in her own words "a soft bastard", but I'm not going to change. Someone will appreciate me in the future!

@dishingoutdone

I've thought about relate but not sure what id want to talk about. Per above I don't feel I need counselling at this stage. I might change my mind but for now, work colleagues, MIL and mums net are helping. I've also got my family to tap into when I tell them what's going on.

I've had the free 30 mins solicitor (actually over an hour but she didn't charge) and I've got a paid appointment next week to get to bottom of Disney and start divorce proceedings.

With regards to mums net. I was hesitant tbh about posting anything as I didn't want to intrude into a mums forum. However, divorce, adulterous behaviour and the pain it causes are not exclusive to mums or women in general. It can affect anyone. The advice in other threads has been really useful and the comments I have received on my own issues have been very helpful.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support. You are all strangers but we all have a horrible common connection that we have been betrayed by those we love the most.

@nsa2103

Yes, agree entirely!

You sound like you are doing all the right things. Thank goodness your children have you.

You need to tell the DC that you and their mum are no longer together. The eldest at least will know, children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for tbh. But I would say you don’t need to tell them the reasons why you are splitting, if she chooses to continue her relationship with OM then that may come out in time, but the reasons why are adult reasons and all the children need to know at this point is that while their parents love them you no longer want to be together and as such things will be changing.

Telling the children also makes it easier to do separate activities with them without questions about why mummy or daddy isn’t coming along today.

When me and my eXH split we lived in the same house for nine months while the finances were sorted, and although for the most part we were amicable, DS understood that we were no longer a couple and this made it more possible for each of us to take him separately wen the need arose, so e.g. I went to my parents for a weekend and eXH took him to his parents for new year. Both of which activities would never have happened when we were together and would have generated a lot of questions on his part had he knot known what was going on iyswim. Also, we were in separate rooms and he was able to know that and why it was the case as again, this would never have happened before.

In terms of residency, if you both work then it’s likely that the residency will start at the point of 50/50 although the eldest is old enough to make her own decisions, but having said that she may feel that she wants to be wherever her sibling is, iyswim.

These early days are the hardest but things will get better once you all have a routine established. This living in limbo is no good for any of you, and moving forward needs to be the aim at this stage.

My mum f**ked off with another man when I was 6, so I've been there. Thankfully my dad was a bloody star and he's my best friend to this day.

She had a lot of issues, and I can see now that she was a broken woman in many ways. It's much easier to be forgiving because of the boundaries my dad put in place. I hated her for a long time though.

I have nothing useful to add @Areallusernamestaken but I wanted to offer a handhold

Thanks mommybear1. I may sound soppy, but all these small gestures are appreciated and do help!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've had lots of useful advice on this thread and I have nothing further to add except to reiterate what others have said about getting on with the divorce process.

I had to live with my (now ex) husband for two years after his affair. I didn't file for divorce for a year as I naively assumed he'd eventually do the right thing and leave. When I realised he wasn't going anywhere, I spent another year going through the court system to get the finances sorted. He moved out the day I bought him out of the house, two years after his affair, and not a day before.

My only advice would be to get moving on the divorce process as soon as possible so that you can get her out the house and move on with your life. The legal bit of the divorce and sorting the finances are two different things, so you can get the divorce process started before you and your wife agree on what's happening with the house and any savings etc.

Best of luck to you.

@tiddlypops

Thanks. Although only 5, my youngest already tells me I'm her best friend. I hope this continues!

@nocauserebel

I know children need to know but it has to come from both their mother and me. Currently she is out and she is out tomorrow too. As you say, I'm sure the oldest knows or at least has inclination that things aren't ok but I've been doing things by myself with kids for months even when I assumed things were ok. I'm not sure in front of kids that anything has really changed massively in last few weeks when her affair came out.

Yes we both work full time, and as much as it pains me I am likely to agree 50:50 with youngest. I'm not sure about oldest, but for my peace of mind I might prefer them both to be 50:50 so at least they have each other for support.

@catamapella

Yes, I've come to realise this and will start the process next week. I couldn't imagine 2 years of this, it must have been awful for you.

It was absolutely awful. But now I have the house to myself (and my daughter) and I'm happy again. I hope you can get things sorted more quickly than I did.

Sending big hugs and love your way. I have nothing to add as everyone has already said it.
I hope you manage to take the kids to Disney, I'm sure your solicitor will give you advice to make sure you can still go.

@Catamapella it's so good to hear from someone on the other side of this. My H's mistress is alcohol, but the selfishness went bloody mindedness is remarkably similar. I'm 18 months on from telling him it's over.
It took me 10 months to start the divorce because I thought he would agree to separate and we'd sort the legal side later. I wish I'd done it straight away too. Another 4ish months to go (assuming all goes smoothly - he has agreed to the divorce at least) and it wouldn't surprise me if I have to have him removed by the police on the day he can no longer legally stay.

Oh OP, im so sorry for everything youre going through.

@Tiddleypops I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I can reassure you that I'm much happier now it's over and he's gone - it's hard when you're in the midst of it to see a way out, but things can (and will!) get better. I was also worried I'd have to get the police involved but having a court order was enough in the end. I hope your situation is resolved soon and you can start to move on.

i'd listen to precisely nothing that N1203 or whatever they're called, he suggests not resorting to violence, not because it's illegal / hideous etc. but because it'd make your case be frowned upon, i am reporting the misogynistice, violent, abusive dickhead.