Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

283 replies

Areallusernamestaken · 08/05/2019 20:43

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

OP posts:
Jiggies · 11/05/2019 00:58

Why would you agree to 50/50 contact? It reads as if you're the main carer. You say your kids avoid and ignore her... is it really in their best interest to be separated from you for half the week?

sprouts21 · 11/05/2019 01:20

I would not agree 50/50 at this point. She might be living with toyboy soon and you don't know anything about him.

Turpy · 11/05/2019 01:24

.

Weenurse · 11/05/2019 01:25

💐

Wintersnow17 · 11/05/2019 08:27

Once they get involved with another person they detach emotionally from what they've left behind. It's heart breaking to see the person you once loved/ expected to be with become cold and have no feelings towards you . I went through that too, crying my eyes out in front of him, he just being cold. I think she's being a bit excessive with the Disney thing. If she insists tell her she's got to explain it to the children X

OceanViewSentosa · 11/05/2019 09:18

Areall, your DC are very lucky to have you as their Dad.

Right now you have to detach from your emotions a bit and get the practicalities done in your favour so you can look after your DC.

When she comes back down to planet real and is sorry, you can be a friend to her for your DC's sake. Right now though you have to protect yourself.

Misty9 · 11/05/2019 09:35

Sounds like an awful situation you're in OP. You mentioned your wife was in a car crash- did she hit her head? It's just a lot of this gives red flags for brain injury with it being quite a sudden change and out of character. I'm not at all minimising her behaviour - which is shocking - but wanted to check Flowers

combatbarbie · 11/05/2019 09:45

I feel for you, i really do! You sound like an amazing parent.

So now you really need to do as she has done and shut down. She has shut down because she is still in lust phase with the OM... She is blinded by desire. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with her mentally. The amount of threads about men having affairs and being difficult are on here all the time so no reason why the same doesn't apply here just because she's a woman.

Ask her directly via text so you have a record what she means exactly by amending disney and what she proposes happens with the children ie residency arrangements? As you are doing everything now, I highly doubt she will want main residency.... It wont fit in with her new plans.

You need to grab her and tell her you both need to sit down with the children and explain what's going on, sooner rather than later, the 15yr old is likely to already know anyway.

How are your finances now? Joint? Is she using family money to fund her new lifestyle, if so i suggest separating the finances now 50/50 or wage proportionate, this will also tell her you are emotionally checking out.

Good luck, take them to Disney and have a blast!!!

combatbarbie · 11/05/2019 09:52

Oh and if she is spending on credit cards, i hope they are not joint? If they are get a statement and pay what you have spent and remove yourself from the card. She sounds like she's going to be very vindictive in financial proceedings as this seems to be her focus!!

Its funny when i read about women being unhappy in marriages whatever the reason, they are happy to walk with nothing.....her financial focus proves the opposite

Original poster
Areallusernamestaken · 11/05/2019 11:23

Thanks again all who have commented. I'll aim to reply in detail later this evening when I have more time.

As an update, she arrived back from her dad's this morning. It was a shock to see her, she looked dreadful and had obviously been crying a lot. I've never seen her looking that way before. I was washing up and tidying kitchen with little one. Wife just stood in background looking lost. It was hard to ignore her presence but I managed it, and I'm proud of myself for doing so.

I hope she is starting to feel things. I think it's too late to reconcile but if she actually starts to become human again it would help!

OP posts:
TacoLover · 11/05/2019 11:32

What's the other side of the story?

Ffs there's always oneHmm

Cottonwoolmouth · 11/05/2019 11:41

Don’t leave the house. What ever you do.

Sounds like she wants you to leave and she’ll have her bloke in ASAP.

Go on the Disney trip and if she tries to cancel it then the kids will know it’s her. She must be a cold bitch to do that - most mother’s are not.

Chin up. Disconnect with her. She’s doing it to wind you up so you leave

combatbarbie · 11/05/2019 12:23

Oh dear, has daddy had truthful words and now won't bank roll her or maybe a lovers tiff with toyboy....... Shame

combatbarbie · 11/05/2019 12:24

She's made her bed now she has to lie in it...... Im going to hedge bets all is not good with lover boy

Original poster
Areallusernamestaken · 11/05/2019 19:43

Hello again....

Well what a difference a day makes. As I said earlier she looked awful and had been crying whilst at her dad's. It seems he has had words and won't be funding daft legal expenses. In addition, she has booked to view a rented house next week, agreed to the Disney trip and also said that initially our youngest should only stay with her for short periods until things settle down.

Based on how things were last night I'm flabbergasted! It has made speaking with her easier that she has finally given some ground. I won't be letting my guard down as things could change back quickly, but hopefully we can move forward more amicably. I think the plan is to tell kids next weekend about the situation, then weekend after I take them to Euro Disney.

I'll try to answer specific questions now...

@jiggies @sprouts21

Yes I'm the main carer, but for all her faults she is still their mum. Honestly I would prefer more than 50:50 but am worried that I could lose out in court due to been a dad. The cost is also an issue. I'd much rather spend £000s on the kids than lawyers. It would also likely ruin any chance of a reasonable relationship between me/wife in future. We are bonded through our children and I don't want kids to be piggies in the middle of bickering parents. The toyboy does worry me, but I'm likely to have more sway with wife on kids contact with him if we are on speaking terms (to be clear I want them to have ZERO contact with him)!

@misty9

Yes, she was in a crash but it was a slow speed collision with a lorry turning so no sudden head impacts. It wrecked the car and has affected her confidence, but no physical injuries.

@combatbarbie

Thanks for all the comments, they are appreciated! Our finances have been joint since we first got together. Recently I did start resenting her increase in spending (before I knew what was going on), but once I found out about the affair I told her she must set up her own account. She has done this and from 1st May we have had separate current accounts. We are both a named card holder for each other's credit cards. Currently all credit cards have zero balance. I do need to take her name off the joint current account, however, as this will become my account.

My solicitor suggested a 3/8 to 5/8 split on household costs as my take home is slightly more than hers and then go 50:50 on groceries and cleaning stuff. At this stage she hasn't given me anything but has promised to sort out early next week.

Again, thank you all for comments and feedback. I feel much better than yesterday following her evening at her dad's. Obviously I'm still gutted my marriage is ending and really worried about how our kids are going to take the news, but at least I look like I now have the opportunity to get over things and start rebuilding my life.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 11/05/2019 23:33

Enjoy your trip to Disney.

Catamapella · 14/05/2019 06:02

Your most recent update sounds really positive OP. I hope you're getting on ok

Clutterbugsmum · 14/05/2019 07:11

Sounds like her dad gave her a strong dose of reality.

Original poster
Areallusernamestaken · 14/05/2019 22:00

@catamapella @clutterbugsmum

Thanks for the further comments. I'm getting on ok, yes her dad does seem to have made a difference.

In terms of how I'm feeling, daytimes are fine but I've started having dreams about the situation where I wake up believing we are still together. It's a horrid, upsetting feeling but I manage to get back to sleep.

We managed to discuss the house, contents and children at the weekend. All seemed promising but this evening she seems to have reverted to type. She was very angry again and tried blaming me for her having to move out of her home. I gently reminded her she had/is having an affair but all she said was "whatever".

I told her to grow up and get her finances in order, looking into potential tax credits and accept what she has done. It didn't go down well and she said she is speaking to her solicitors to look into maintenance and about kids.

I said to her not to do anything silly as we'd agreed in principle 50:50, but she didn't take too kindly to that and told me that I can't tell her what to do or control her. She also said id manipulated our 5 year old to ignore her. This is crazy! I told her that its her lack of focus on the family and kids over previous months that has caused the distancing. It didn't go down too well. I hope to goodness that she doesn't do anything silly and look to take my kids off me and go through the courts. My wife of old would never do that, but I just don't know this new person that exists in my wife's body. I'm not sure what she is capable of or what is going through her head.

I hope she wakes up in a better frame of mind, but who knows!

OP posts:
SingleMumFighting · 14/05/2019 22:18

Your wife does not seem well. Would she agree to see her GP or psychiatrist? If something is wrong, medication can make all the difference, which could help with your dealings with her. A lot of her destructive behaviours you have described sounds familiar to me.

Cottonwoolmouth · 14/05/2019 22:24

I bet the tears were over her new boyfriend. In fact I’d bet money on it.

Original poster
Areallusernamestaken · 14/05/2019 22:40

@singlemumfighting

Short answer, no. She has been on anti depressants previously (a few times over the years) but flat out refuses to see anyone, even a relationship counsellor in more recent months. I've wondered if it's a mental issue but then I think I'm just looking for a glimmer of hope and kidding myself that my old wife will return. In truth I have no idea! She does seem to have an obsession about being controlled though, and says she won't have done expert telling her what to think.

@cottonwoolmouth

No idea! That side of her life is a complete mystery and tbh I don't want to know. However, I do sense something odd going on. The other night when we were talking about finances I gave her my phone to look at bank statements. She used the opportunity to check my phone records and messages. I asked her why and she just huffed and asked to see my Facebook. I'm on Facebook but don't use it, so had no problem with her looking - I have nothing to hide! Her search was fruitless but something must have made her do it. I can't figure out what exactly, but like I said, something seemed odd and I think it's probably toyboy related. I'll likely never know but it would make things more amicable if toyboy was out of the picture!

OP posts:
Halo84 · 15/05/2019 05:15

I think you need to see a solicitor to know what your rights are in these circumstances, and get the ball rolling on splitting. I understand you don't want to spend the money, but it isn't healthy for anyone in your home to be living like this.

combatbarbie · 15/05/2019 08:36

Her going through your phone is her guilt, she's looking to try and find something/anything to turn this back onto you. Its classic behaviour.

combatbarbie · 15/05/2019 08:48

And I don't think this is MH related, her behaviour is only destructive because she's been found out. Noone says this when its the man having an affair... Its all LTB and get your ducks in a row.

Women are more than capable of being just as vicious as men. Her behaviour is simply because she does not care and does not want to take responsibility for her actions.

So if 50/50 is being agreed, have you a rough plan of how this will work as in school runs etc as you have said that you do some. I guess I'm getting at, don't be a mug and give her what she wants to suit her. She wanted this so now she will have to deal with logistics if childcare in her time with the children.