Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

It really sounds like she is having a prolonged manic episode to be honest. If you say its out of character for her to behave this way, could she be ill??

Just keep going. Solicitor soon as possible. Keep moving it forward. I'd say that if possible be the main residence. All tax credits for kids come to you etc. Don't worry about who gets what time to much. She's said she wants less than half so agree to that.

You can't be explaining to her that she's wrong just accept it for what it is and keep going. She may well have regrets in the future (but that is entirely on her) but equally she may not.

My kids went to court to cut access with their Dad. At no point did he ever think this was due to his behavior. He feels that he is so wonderful that the kids are the ones punishing themselves by not seeing him not the other way round.

Shes planning to buy a house already, jeeez thats dam fast! Could all be wishful thinking from her, you never know?
Im a step child and both my parents remarried to someone who had previous marraiges so I'm fairly well versed in it all. I could honestly write so much on this but I'll hold back and summarise-
Genuinely, you are never going to want a step dad involved, you are their dad, however.... if your children are going to spend a lot of time with their mum and another, you want that person to be the best, someone who you'd pick, you wouldn't want them to go to their mums and hate it and get upset or them use the kids as a pawn, you want them to be happy and treated well so they dont come back in tears or have to fix their anxieties, so pray that he's the nicest bloke and in time make him your ally, you'll win a lot more with sugar than vingear as they say!
Xxx

Wait, she's only 36? So this guy is mid-twenties? And has already dumped one family?

Oh my Lord, she's gonna get the shock of her life. He won't even live with his own child, he hasn't a notion of living with someone else's!

Yeah, I don't think you have to worry about this bloke staying on the scene for too long tbh.

BTW why hasn't she moved in with him? If he's now single and so in luurrrrve?? Makes you wonder.

OP I have just read your thread and I just wanted to say how sorry I am your wife has put you in this position and how awful she is treating you.

I'm so glad to read through the most recent threads that you are standing up to her.

You sounds like a terrific dad and husband and I'm sure one day she will regret what she has done and how she has behaved.

Please keep on updating your thread..I, and many others are rooting for you.

@leighlo

I'm in 2 minds about what to eventually tell the children. I hate lying about anything, and I think it will be quite obvious if she moves in with toyboy almost immediately after we split. I don't want oldest to think I've lied to them, but I don't really want them to fall out with their mum. It's something I really need to think about carefully.

@irkedandannoyed

I've tried to fathom her behaviour and have read all sorts of books, online journals and websites. She does show some symptoms of various mental illnesses, but to be honest, I'm past trying to excuse her behaviour. It's gone too far... she has ruined our relationship and destroyed our family.

@wallywobbles

I've asked my solicitor for a meeting next week. I've had enough and am starting divorce proceedings for unreasonable behaviour. I'm sure there is adultery but can't prove it. I'm also going to get confirmation for tax credits and residency. I don't mind her getting tax credits as she earns less than me and I'm above the threshold so wouldn't qualify for anything anyway. I just don't want her to manipulate things with residency.

@jackio2205

I don't think she wanted to tell me her plans, it slipped out when she was ranting on at me (I was ignoring her so she go really peed off!). When I questioned her she got nasty and basically said what I had thought all along, that she wished I would just disappear so she could have the house with toyboy... replace old with new and keep everything else the same. It wasn't nice to hear, but it's what I've concluded prior to her admission.

If you don't mind me asking, are any of your step parents the "other person", the person who your mum/dad ran off with? If we'd broken up amicably I wouldn't have an issue with kids seeing the new partner. It's the fact that he (and my wife) are the reason our family has been destroyed. I don't want my kids to have anything to do with him. On top of the cheating, the fact he has dumped his own kid to be a weekend dad shows me he is not worthy of having any part of my children's lives.

@elspethflashman

Yep, I'm not entirely sure of his age as my wife won't let the info out, but I'm pretty sure he is still in his 20s. I've told her she is making a huge mistake and likely to get dumped for a younger model at some point in the future but she just tells me to f-off and I "don't know what I talking about". I honestly don't think he has ever seen her without makeup... my wife isn't ugly at all but her natural look and made up look are worlds apart. There's also the things that come with aging and being a mother that aren't sexy; the waxing of top-lip, piles, hairy belly, dreadful snoring, slight incontinence. All these things never bothered me in the slightest as I loved my wife no matter what, but she has painted a picture of herself to this guy that doesn't represent reality. I will be astonished if their affair lasts, and if it does fail, I won't be there as a shoulder to cry on.

I don't think she will move in with him purely because of money. I think she believes she will get more from me or the benefits system if she is alone. Honestly, I don't even know how she could consider moving straight from me to him without a gap or some breathing space. I couldn't imagine just leaving one family environment and jumping straight to the next. It would seriously screw me up!

@crazyladee

Thanks for the support, it's appreciated. I hope she does regret what she had done, but currently her sole focus is money and toyboy. There is little sign of anything from her by way of guilt or sorrow. I don't think I'll ever understand how someone can become so cold emotionally.

I will keep uspdating things as it's been really beneficial writing my thoughts and feelings down, with the added bonus of support from everyone who has taken the time to comment. If anyone else is going through this awful situation, I'd highly recommended sharing your feelings, rather than bottling them up.

Again, thanks all for reading and taking the time to comment. I really do appreciate it!

OP in answer to your question my Dad left my Mum for another woman when I was 11 years old. What was hard to deal with was the OW was a family friend!

We all had our worlds turned upside down. My Mum was in bits as you can imagine. My siblings and I supported our Mum as best we could considering our relatively young ages.

Fast forward 40 years. My Mum remarried several years later to an amazing man and it turned out the best outcome for her as she is so happy.

I don't have the best relationship with my Dad as he disconnected himself from the family and throws his time and energy into the OWs own kids and their families. Plus I guess deep down I do have a small amount of resentment towards him left over from what he put my mum through.

OP you need to stop analysing your wife's relationship with the toyboy (whether he has seen her with no make up on etc) just don't give it any headspace. You need to build up the strength to deal with what sounds like is inevitably round the corner...that she will come crawling back with her tail between her legs. I might be wrong but it sounds like it's coming in the near future.

She also doesn't deserve a penny more than she is legally entitled to money wise. Make sure you don't get taken for a mug and be one step ahead of her.

@Areallusernamestaken yes my mum had an affair (with one of our neighbours actually.....) all my new sets of parents are still together (nearly 30 years later) and my husbands parents are both divorced and with new partners who are also divorced, xmas is a joy to arrange let me tell you!
It's so hard and over this forum it feels so black and white, but over time I've learnt that there are many reasons why a marraige breaks down, there will be reasons why your wife had an affair, not pointing the finger at anyone, sometimes it's just the situation, but ultimately not one thing or one person (realistically speaking) is to blame for it not working and you will 100% be looking for something or someone to blame, its part of the process, but in time you'll see things differently, and truuuuust me, u hating him will be awful for you and the kids only, if you were to try and work with him it'll drive her nuts in the short term but in the long run it'll work so much better for everyone, and one day I'm sure you'll have someone new and you wouldnt want ur ex to be an obstacle in your new relationship or get in the way or her relationship with her new step children?
My parents hating eachother and the new partners has been horrible for me, made my life events so so hard and ive been in the middle of horrible situations, my graduation, weddings, xmas, having babies, christening, makes me so anxious about who can come to what and its absolutely not my fault. Im now at a point where i cant invite both of them so one set of parents gets excluded, my husband has to do the same with his parents. Im 35 now and think it may be a generation thing, nowadays its more common to have divorced parents, my still my bottom line is to keep as civil and as reasonable as you can for ur childrens sake x

As another reality dose (?) have you asked your wife when she expects to introduce the boyfriend to the children?

@crazyladee

Thanks for your personal perspective on things. I hope I can look back like your mum and see that this is for the best.

I know I need to stop thinking about my wife and toyboy. I'm not sad or angry anymore, just utterly confused trying to work out what is happening. It's odd with her living in same house, but yet leading a completely separate life. I will be surprised if she tries to come back even if things go wrong. She is a stubborn woman, and her attutude towards me has been downright nasty at times. It's like any feelings she had for me have been replaced by negativity. I can't see her ever wanting to return.

With regards money, I won't be a mug. I'm not going to obsess over it but she will not get a penny more from me than she is legally entitled to. Even then it's too much in my opinion!

@jackio2205

Haha, Christmas sounds fun! I've experienced that to a lesser extent as my wife's parents are divorced and her dad is still with the woman he ran off with. My wife's mum can't stand her (understandably), so we can never have everyone together for Xmas birthdays etc. I guess its going to get even more confusing now, as we still have her parents to accommodate, we will be split up, and toyboys kid will be floating round somewhere. Joy!

I know I must bear some responsibility for my wife seeking love elsewhere. I don't know what it is as when I've asked she said I've done nothing wrong, but she must have her reasons. However, this doesn't excuse the fact she should have talked to me first with any issues and actually try and resolve things, particularly as we have children. She said nothing, I had to find out in bite size pieces what she was doing which tore me apart emotionally. Having issues in a marriage is ok, wanting to leave a marriage if you've tried, but ultimately fall out if love is ok. Having an affair whilst stringing your partner on is not ok, it is cruel and a horrible thing to do to someone.

I'm really sorry you have had issues throughout your life caused by your parents. I genuinely don't want that for my children, but the feelings I have now are so raw I don't think I could accept ever having anything to do with toyboy. I can handle my wife, I've already agreed to sports day as amicable parents, but him no chance. Things may change as time moves on, but its a big ask when things are so recent.

If you found out your husband had a bit of fluff and was leaving you, would you be able to swallow your feelings for your children's sake? (Genuine question, I'm worried the tone may seem confrontational - definately not meant in this way! )

@waterspider

Yes I have, and she just says it's none if my business. Indeed, any questions about her future plans are met with the same response, "nothing to do with you". I've also asked when she is going to actually tell the kids, but have yet to get a date. She just says when she gets a place to stay, which could be any time in the next 50 years!

I've also asked about her plans for toyboys daughter (I hold no grudge against her, I feel sorry that her family has been split up too). I asked if she was going to be a stepmum and treat her like her own. All I got back was "don't be stupid". Im not sure what that means exactly?! I don't even know if she's thought that far ahead... nothing to do with me really, I'm just fascinated to see how it plays out. It's like living in a soap opera, the only trouble is I'm involved!

@Areallusernamestaken totally with you, but in time for sure i think its best to get to a good place with both of them, right now you have no hindsight and need to get through it all, it'll take lots and lots of time!

Honestly i cant say how i'd handle it, you don't know until ur un it but i'd like to think both of us would be able to deal with it differently to our parents in all aspects.
Just think in general all u could want is to hope that their step parent is incredible and not the opposite for ur own reasons, thats not just you but people in that situation. Ive heard so many people being matyrs like 'oh the kids are only happy with me' etc etc, dont wish a bad relationship on kids, its selfish in my opinion and growing up the kids become adults and have to choose between you, sometimes you wont get picked?
X

I don't even know if she's thought that far ahead. Of course she hasn't. In her crazy mind everyone is going to skip off into the sunset and live happy ever after.

As you said the other day SHE want's you just to disappear and her toyboy can move into your house and your DC will just accept it and never mention you again. And she probably wants toyboy's Ex and child to do the same.

My dad wanted the same, my mum just to leave and he would move the bitch in our home. He certainly didn't like it when I pointed out (I was 21, my sister was 19) there was no way in hell would that happen. If he made mum leave then we would be going with her.

All you can do what is right for you and your DC. And your wife can get on with her hers and hope she starts thinking about your DC before she completely loses her relationship with them.

Anyone else loves the fact that OP personally responds to everyone in his replies and puts his heart and soul into them?

OP as I've already mentioned, you sound so lovely and I'm raging that you are getting treated this way.

Your wife must be an idiot. Keep your chin up x

Don't know why all my emojis are coming through as bottles of gin? I don't even like Gordon's gin!

@Areallusernamestaken thats not to say that's how you're coming across at all, I'm totally with you in how you're feeling right now, just saying in the future and that I think all parents should try and be amicable where possible so nobody misses out.
Hope the 2nd interview goes well x

At this point in time it’s not realistic for either to be amicable.one might be but the other isn’t ready.if your slammed on the head in this manner it would take a lot to pull yourself up and be amicable.
If she in front of you phoning and being disrespectful if she doing what she likes not helping rubbing his head in the shit it’s not easy to be amicable.
Talking from experience,
In time things will fade not necessarily get better but indifference will set in but at this time his not ready and neither is she.
I see why the thoughts are on what intruded on the family balance don’t we all find ways of coping.OPhas found his way of coping .I look at this as the law of gravity says whatever goes up will come down.
Emotions will settle in good time.
OP you must inform the children otherwise they will hear it somewhere else.

@jackio2205

Thanks for your thoughts and good luck wishes. My long term aim is to be amicable, you can't avoid situations where we both need to support our children, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if she wasn't with toyboy. A new partner, I would find odd but id accept it, but toyboy... although I don't love her or particularly like her any more, it still makes my blood boil what she has done with him.

My daughter still won't have anything to do with her mum, never mind toyboy! We'd agreed that today my wife would do most of the childcare and I'd take Sunday. My wife stayed at her dad's last night and was due back to take youngest swimming. Text message received, "can you take x to swimming, I'm not ready to come back yet.". Youngest was due at a birthday party in the afternoon... "can you take her as I have to work"... come to bedtime and daughter refused to have her mum take her to bed so I had to do it. So, to say she was meant to have our daughter for the whole day, I'd say she probably spent little over an hour with her, made zero meals for her or anything else.

I'd never play "the kids are only happy with me" game, but currently I'm really all they know as a parent. Wife is going out tomorrow so I've got childcare again!

@clutterbugsmum

Yep, you are right. Per above, she is still putting herself ahead of our children or anyone else. Literally as I type this, she is wittering on at me that she is uncomfortable sleeping on the sofa and can she have the bed tonight. She knows I've washed and dried the bedding and made the bed nicely today (mmmm outdoor dried crispy cotton sheets ). Yet she still wants her own way. No chance... I've told her I can't ban her from sleeping in our bed but there's no way I'm vacating for her! Now it's moved on to me doing a full inventory of contents and getting an eBay valuation for everything...and now it's I'm a selfish b@stard and a d!ck head who is making her life a misery (live updates to a forum!), just for simply saying no. I despair!

@crazyladee

Thank you for you kind comments... I can't see a gin bottle, only a blushing face!

If someone has taken the time to respond to me, then I feel obliged to respond in kind. It wouldn't be much of a forum if no one said anything! Haha

I've just tried to be honest with my thoughts and feelings as ive not really had chance in real life, plus it's less embarrassing to be open about feelings to faceless people online. I can't be a teary 6ft man at work, it would just be odd, but I can type my true thoughts online with the odd tear without drawing attention to myself.

I agree that my wife is a idiot for what she has done. Unfortunately it doesn't change anything, I'm just having to accept what has happened. I do feel much better than I did a couple of weeks back when I started this thread, some things get to me, but I'm getting there!

@palaver1

Thanks for your understanding of the situation. I can tell when she texts him and it is unpleasant, particularly when our children are nearby. I wish she wouldn't, but she is a law unto herself. Emotionally I feel ok, I think I'm over her, but it's the thoughts of what could have been that still hurt, like days out as a family, holidays etc.

I want my wife to tell the kids as I dont want to be accused of poisoning their minds. Her family know, but they live far away. None of my family know, so there is no risk there. I'm dreading the day she tells them but I know it has to happen.

Live forum update.... "if you won't leave the bed then I'll have to start staying at a hotel, and you will have to pay half the bill..."

All I can say to that is LOL, nope.

@Areallusernamestaken what a shame, but you know what, she's missing out there because she's messing up her relationship with her daughters, she'll live to regret that. I cant imagine how your daughter feels bless her, thank God she's got you who's doing a bloody brilliant job!! X

Be firm but fair be dignified in all you do.The less you engage the better you know what’s best the forum is here .
I’m in my 50s and going through a divorce it was dead had been for years.
Your better dealing with it now than later believe me.Its a massive inconvenience and I use this term loosely but better now than in your later years.

@IrkedandAnnoyed

“It really sounds like she is having a prolonged manic episode to be honest. If you say its out of character for her to behave this way, could she be ill??”

I mean, really? Really really?

Let’s be generous and suggest you were legitimately looking for reasons or a greater understanding of events here, however to make the leap and associated excuse she is somehow mentally unwell is not only excusing the inexcusable but also doing all those with genuine mental illness a massive disservice.

I have been on mumsnet for several years now, I am still waiting for the first post that excuses the deceitful, thoughtless cocklodging behaviour of a man if the sexes were reversed in such a way. Stop excusing this woman, she sounds dreadful and the implied defence of her is offensive to me as a woman and indeed any fair minded individual, be it man or woman.

OP, I am sorry for your situation, you will get through this, believe in the man you appear to be

What would she have done if you'd have said no to taking your daughter out ? You're being far too good to her

Why are you waiting for your wife to tell your family? How bizarre, get some real life support and tell your family yourself.

I’d give her a timescale to tell everyone tbh. She’s actually controlling this aspect with her behaviour... not moving out means not telling anyone which means you have no support in RL. Effectively she is making you lie to everyone to protect her. On the other hand she has her OM and family for support! The kids already know something is very wrong anyway, and how long is this going to go on for?

Didn't want to read and run so here is my 2 cents from bitter experience.

Why are you still talking to her? Its enabling her to manipulate, threaten, distress and use you. It doesn't help you or your children. Anytime she wants to talk just say "we can talk when you move out". You need cool calm facts and certainty so only progress the financial separation & divorce via your solicitor.

Stop trying to get her to help with the children, just carry on looking after them 100% of the time as you have been doing. Its up to her to be proactive in building a relationship with them, you cant do that for her.

You need to tell the children now, its not going to help them delaying it. When she leaves the house change will come fast for them, they need time to process the news before all that change hits them.

Do not worry about accusations of 'poisoning' the children's minds, you aren't, so its irrelevant.

I really do not get why you think 50:50 is in your DD best interests? Sort out the children's residency split after she has moved out and settled in somewhere suitable. Your ex is in no state to be able to look her children now, your DD will scream blue murder rather than go stay will her 'mother' and her new toyboy. And what state will your ex be in when inevitably her new relationship breaks down? Your DD needs the stability of the person that cares for her, her routine and the house she is used to.

I get your DD should have a relationship with her mother but the mother has to create that over time, you dont start as if she has as good a relationship with her as you have with her or you will harm your daughter. EOW is plenty to start with and see how it works, more can be added later if things work out.

Yes a Judge will give you residency, you are the primary carer, you have the stability, you are staying in the family home, you aren't moving in with a strange new partner and it is what is best for both your children etc etc. Its irrelevant that you are a man. I know 3 men that have been awarded full residency with ex getting EOW, they give their ex's as much access as they want but guess what, they dont want more.

Stay strong, it will end but please don't sacrifice your children so you can look 'fair', its not fair on them.

Evening, I'll reply to individuals below, but first of all I'd just like to update on how I'm feeling. Surprisingly (!) I was left in charge of the kids today. Big one is quite independent so does their own thing, but little one wanted to go to a park and feed the ducks. We went to York, which is a nice city, but was one of the places I was worried about visiting.... My wife and I had our first proper date there almost 17 years ago, it's where our first kiss was and it's been a place we've spent many happy days, either walking along the river of visiting the city centre. I didn't know what I would feel visiting again after what has happened, but it's a demon I needed to confront. I needed to make sure that I would be ok in a place that was special to us without breaking down or finding it too overbearing emotionally.

The good news is I was fine, I had a really good day with my youngest and I've made new happy memories for a place I dreaded visiting again. It will always remind me of my wife, but it's not somewhere that will tug on the heartstrings.

@jackio2205

Again, thanks for the support. I don't think youngest is feeling anything really in terms of stress or worry. Per above, we had a really good day together and she went to bed shattered again. It was her mum's turn to take her to bed, but as us customary she demanded daddy! I'm sure my wife must be feeling hurt at the rejection, but it's been a vicious cycle for months now where they are drifting further apart (and of course I'm to blame!).

@palaver1

I know you are right, but I genuinely didn't imagine any if this. I was mostly happily married and thought my wife was too. It turns out she is a completely different person to the one I married and I know divorce is the right at forward. I wish it wasn't, but I can't change what she has done.

@hirooonoda

Lol "cocklodging" made me laugh

Thank you for your support, if it appreciated. It's difficult to believe in yourself fully when you are in effect dumped for a younger model, but im getting there!

@notapizzaeater

I think that's the problem, I've never said no as I like been with my children. She has used my good nature against me and continues to try to do so. Prior to me finding out about her affair, she even got me to drop her at the station as she was running late after taking forever to get ready... turns out it was a night out with toyboy rather than the leaving do she told me it was for. I look back and see I've been such a naive idiot, but as ive said I trusted her 100%.

For all other things I've stopped been accommodating, but for my children I'd take them anyday if she has other plans. I don't think I could refuse the opportunity to look after and spend time with them.

@aweedropofsancerre

I don't want to tell my family and have the kids find out fully from someone other than their parents. Also, I was brought up in quite a emotionless and probably old fashioned family, so we tended not to do upset, hugging etc. We all loved each other but in a non-contact way, if that makes sense?! This probably stemmed from my grandma who was a lovely kind woman, but didnt show emotions (maybe a war time thing?). Off topic, but she was like one of the peter kay sketches... her neighbours were two really nice young women and when my grandma described them she could never say gay or lesbian couple, it was always a hushed mumble... If you've seen Peter Kay stand up you will know, if not you will have no idea what I'm on about! Anyway, I think I've preferred dealing with things on my own (and online) rather than been awkward with family. To be clear, I'm not like that with my kids and wife (well, not any more with wife), we have a normal huggy, kissy type scenario where emotions and love are normal. That been said, I'll definately have support from my family, just not the hugs etc.

@lollypop701

Per above, I really do get it that she is running to her time scales, but she says she won't tell the kids until she has a place sorted out. I asked again tonight for deadlines but she wouldn't tell me and got snappy saying she'll force me to sell the house rather than buy her out if I don't stop asking. I'm not prepared to tell the kids on my own. She needs to tell them and explain what is going on, all this is on her back.

@walkingdeadfangirl

I don't really talk to her any more. She tries to talk about random stuff but generally I ignore her.

Thanks for the pep talk regarding child access. I'm really in 2 minds about this. I want them to live with me, but that will result in a legal fight which would mean I'd have to sell the family home rather than buy her out. I just don't know what is best. I don't want them to have to live with her and toyboy, but I dont want them to lose their home either.

One light at the end if this bleak tunnel is that she met her mum today. Her mum tends to give her impartial advice without taking sides. She told my wife she couldn't expect to take oldest at all and as the youngest doesn't have any contact currently, my wife cannot just uproot her and expect 50:50 immediately. She told my wife it will have to be extremely gradual at a few hours initially, then 1 night per week up to 50:50. I'm not sure my wife will take this in, but it is sensible, and it does tie in with your comments. If things don't progress well, then I guess legal routeing may be the only way forward.