Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Hi, everyone.
@RoseMartha, how are you? Have you been able to get through to WA eventually? How are DC now? I hope you are having a better week. Did you eventually find out why DP were calling the other day? I hope things regarding the house sale go a whole lot better than you expect. I hope it would not be too stressful for you.

@Tiddleypops, I am so sorry what your H said to DSD. I know exactly how you felt. I totally know that feeling of feeling attacked and defenceless. It is a horrible feeling. It really hurts that someone will even lie that way about us at all. I wish I could help you feel better about it. I am still feeling very hurt by the things STBXH said to our DC2 when he held her back from school the other week. Thank you for the link to the Live chat line for the national domestic violence service.

@Tiedupwithstrings, so sorry to hear about this other person and really so angry that he is taking DC round there already! Do these sort of people not think of their DC and the effect this could have on them?! I can't get over how self-involved these sort of people are. I am so sorry.

@DishingOutDone, any news about your operation? How are you? How are things? I know these are difficult times for you. Sending you strength.

@user1486131602, hi. How are you? I know these are extremely difficult times for you. I hope things are calm for you. I hope things are also coming together for good for you.

I am sorry I have been quiet. I have been so fatigued and just about able to get up sort out DC, get them to school, work, get home sleep of on a long day or get home sort DC and sleep.
I am falling behind on doing other stuff I need to. I can't mentally cope with extra right now.
STBXH has been coming forth with lies and accusations. Even his own messages and statements show that he is just a really horrible person. Plain nasty. I find myself wondering how I got tied to someone like this. It boggles my mind and I feel a huge weight pressing on me.
How can he be so horrible? How can he not be concerned about protecting his children? How can he sleep at night with making up such blatant lies... Some not so blatant? How does he so easily twist the truth?
His DB has just had a baby and guess what... Who named the baby? DB's wife. Both first name and middle name given by his SIL who is from different background. And both names are from her heritage.

It really should not bother me but I just feel broken because even though I didn't give DC3 the 1st name. I just use the middle name which I gave, I got so much stick from him, his mother, his cousin, his family. I have been insulted, threatened and ridiculed. He has held on to that and uses it as a reason to up his abusive behaviour... justify his behaviour even.
In an email to my solicitors, he said the fact that I call DC3 by the name I do, is a reason for him to say we have irreconcilable differences and for him to want to end the marriage.. the same email in which he told the solicitors he loves me and does not want a divorce.

I really hope that emotionally and mentally things do get better because I am struggling with a lot of feelings these days. These feelings are really pulling at me. And I am again going through a lot of crying.

Regarding the Child Arrangement Order, I am still trying to sort out the best way. I have different advice off different solicitors. I just want to protect my DC from the nasty side of this divorce. This is not their fault. I don't want them to loose the feeling of security that they have.

Itsmeandimscared
I’m ok, just had a really nasty cold and been ‘sleeping it off’.

It’s not so long since I was where you are, especially the emotionally exhausted bit! It will pass.
Your husband lying and twisting is ALL about him and nothing about you! As I would tell mine: say what you like, you don’t have to prove it to me, but, you will have to prove it to the law. And when it came to it he couldn’t! The law decided I was telling the truth.
As for BIL baby name, very little thing right now will grind on your last nerve........think of it as a lesson: at least that’s not something you have to be involved in anymore! And the reason she is treated differently to you is that her husband would stand up for her, yours didn’t!

Just to prove my point:
this yr I don’t have to buy presents for his mother, him, his relatives and receive nothing from him.
And I don’t HAVE to spend my xmas and new yr watching him and his get drunk, while I do everything!
I can toast xmas with champagne at lunch this yr, as there will be some left after 10am! I can watch old xmas movies on TV, not him sleep thru the sport he HAS to watch! Even if I’m going to be alone, it’s worth it.
It’s just gonna be different this year, that’s all.

I absolutely understand and empathise with you, this is hard, really hard but every day is a day nearer to your goals, and you have to sort thru these emotions to get there.

Remember: change is not difficult, just different.

One day at a time 🤗❤️

@user1486131602, so good to read from you. Do get well soon. I am glad I don't have to be forced to do Christmas only by his family's way of doing things. Which means me slaving away the entire day till early hours of boxing day. No time actually spent with DC and having to be told what a lousy wife/mother /DIL I am.

Yes, you are right.. the adorable baby's name is a little thing, I was struggling with different emotions regarding STBXH 's lies and this just found a weak spot somewhere and slipped through. And you are right, his DB stands up very strongly for his wife. As SIL would say STBXH threw you to the wolves. His DB even told the family that if they were to be honest with themselves, they are all guilty of not being supportive.

I can't wait for this hurt to be over. I have a physical pain. I am very sad.
Thank you for your lovely words @user1486131602, I am using them to strengthen myself.
Get well soon.

You are doing so well @Itistimeandiamscared. So much of what you say resonates with me. I thought of you when I posted about what STBXH had said to DSD, and you posted pretty much that too. I drew strength from the way you had dealt with it - rising above it, proving your DC wrong and not engaging with it at all.
I am still now, over a week later, feeling it though. That physical pain, that feeling of being really truly hurt. I am trying to remember that we grow through times of adversity, and to take one day at a time etc. but it feels like a relentless onslaught at time.
I was shaking just now, because I had to make some arrangements with H. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to start the conversation and I was all ready trying to appease and placate and make sure I had all loopholes covered before I began.

I do feel that this is part of healing, but christ I am tired and I know there is worse yet to come.

Oh it struck me that I feel this huge pressure to get everything right with regard to the DC (including my step DC). Like with the DSD conversation, I feel like I have something to 'fix', do I speak to her DM, do I speak to her etc. By not doing anything am I falling into old habits of keeping my mouth shut to avoid a difficult conversation or a row with someone that I can not win against because if he wants to pretend the sky is orange he will do, and he will steamroller it through.

One day at a time. I had a good day yesterday. Today is not bad so far. Tomorrow will be busy, but I will be away from home.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. 🤗🤗🤗

@DishingOutDone, that's a really hard thing to look back on. It's like a real sense of loss, those years that are gone now. It must feel so sad. I think we all feel a bit like that to a greater or lesser extent. You still have so much to give and a new life to live. It must feel a long way off at the moment though.

I went to counseling today and it was so good to tell my story and have someone express anger and sadness on my behalf. It does feel like a bereavement. And somewhere along this journey I will find acceptance and then be able to move on. I'm getting there.

@Tiddleypops, thanks for the WA link, that's good to know. You must still be reeling from that conversation. The lies are the hardest aren't they? It adds insult to injury. But I think your dsd will learn the truth. I can totally relate to that fear of what's to come. Their behaviour seems to get more and more worrying. You do sound strong though- the more shit that comes at you, the more you learn your own strength. I think that's a misquote of @user1486131602!

@Itistimeandiamscared and @user1486131602, hope you're doing ok this week?

@RoseMartha, so sorry to hear about the panic attacks. It must be scary with the uncertainty. Gingerbread might have some reassurance- your situation might well be better than you fear. I hope the tasks for the house are going ok..

Tiedupwithstrings:

Remember my epiphany?
Fixing the problem , was the problem! Step back, let them see thing s as they are. Your job is done.

I have been to the lawyers today to force things along. I came home and just eat crap and drank wine, I can’t believe how bad I felt just dealing with the continued crap. But, I have recognised it, so I’m on the right road. I just feel so alone.
To be making plans for a future without my daughter is soul destroying especially when it’s thru this manipulation. Anyway, just 2 more forms and then he has to disclose his financials. If he won’t enter into those I’m selling the house for whatever I can get for it, that ought to wake him up.....money always does!
And, someone has emailed me after a year to say that because of their circumstances they can see that I was ‘done over’. The messages have already proved my case!
So not all bad, some steps in the direction.

I hope you other ladies are doing okay, try to catch after , just need a rest!
❤️🤗

@Tiddleypops, I could have written your posts word for word. I really appreciate your posts, you have expressed all my thoughts and feelings around contacting him, around dealing with his mistruths. How are you today?

@Tiedupwithstrings, when I found a counsellor that was a good fit for me, it helped me a lot. I am glad your session helped.

Hi everyone, work has been crazy. Long hours.. now even longer. It is that time of the year. I have been juggling so much, I have not had time or head space to comment on the posts.
I really hope you are all in good places and things are calm.

We need a new thread....

Who is in charge of new threads? Can we keep the same title? just make it no. 3 ?

I have just looked through other threads, they were all started by different people.
So any one of us can start the next one.
Yeah, a good idea to keep the title (just make it 3) so we can be easily found by previous posters/people who only come on to read.
I think we all are okay with that...?

I have created a new thread. Same title, numbered 3.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3754977-Support-thread-for-those-divorcing-against-stbex-wishes-3?watched=1

yay!! Thank you @Itistimeandiamscared - I know the others will be along towards the end of the week/weekend to join us over there.