Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

He is volatile at the moment, so make sure you do get the police check if she doesn't get to school. Thinking of you xxx

Thank you @Tiddleypops. I really appreciate it. I really appreciate the handholding. And advice and confirming that I am not running crazy.
Thank you. I have relied heavily on you guys. Thank you.

Oh one more thing I thought of. You should call school and let them know what is going on. If he does drop her off they can keep an eye on her and will help with SS. If he doesn't then they can let you know (I guess you would have called anyway but it just popped into my head!)

So, things to do are call SS. Call School and call solicitor. I think?

Good luck x

Yes, thank you.
I have just had his auntie call me. I didn't take the call. Then she's texted me... 'who has the car?' then insinuating I am a subpar mother for not going to pick DC2 up as I was supposed to.

I spoke to DC2, she was clearly sad and sounded tired. He cut into my call with her shouting... So I cut the line.

Then I sent him this 👇

I have just spoken to DC2, she sounds sad and worried. I can't imagine that you are seeing her like that and would not do the right thing.
She says you are not making any effort to get her to school because you do not have the car, that the trains were cancelled last night and you do not have uniforms for her.

1. The trains are not cancelled this morning.

1. A child's going to school is not dependent on whether their parents have cars or not.

1. DC2 has uniforms here at home.

1. I have always dropped the kids at yours and then you bring them back. That has always been the routine. If you felt different about it this weekend, you should have communicated that. That is the responsible thing to do. I am not a mind reader.

1. The way you can't magically get her to mine so she can attend school, how do you expect me to magically ferry the children around, bring them to you on your weekend and also get to work when you take My car of me.

1. The issue here is DC2 needs to be and should be at school.

But since you would not let her go to school because her mum would not let you take the car off her, then no. 7 addresses that point.

1. Because I trusted you enough because we were married to let you have the car in your name does not make the car yours.

The car was bought for me. You are not the only one paying for the car. I have and I am still paying for it too. It is NOT your car. I tried to discuss with you so we could come to a way that it would work for both of us but you were not willing. You can look through the suggestions I made in an earlier message to try and come to a compromise, if you want to. At this point, the 2nd or 3rd suggestion seems the best option.

DC2 needs to be at school.

I have just had a landline number calling me repeatedly. I don't recognise the number.

Sorry ladies I haven't read the thread for a while will catch up and comment accordingly ASAP! Reaching out because I feel like I need help! Don't mean to sound self indulgent so I'm sorry if I do.

Stbxh playing mind games and gaslighting me. I know he's doing it but starting to think what he is saying is true and everything is all my fault. I'm trying to do what is best for me and my DC and he just won't see it and is saying I'm ruining the children's lives 😢 he's turning my eldest DC against me and poisoning his mind and I don't know what to do about it. Sorry not sure what I want anybody to do or say just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading

Sounds like @clpsmum and @itistime have similar problems to each other, but I know @itistime must feel like you are in a siege this morning - I really liked the text you sent and I feel like this is a catalyst in your relationship with Ex - you are drawing a line in the sand and calling him out on his behaviour. I hope you have managed to speak to a solicitor this morning? Are you at work/meant to be at work? Do you have any support in RL?

How are you doing @Itistimeandiamscared? Did you go to work?
Agree with @Dishing, I like your message you sent to him. It's very clear, it's consistent with all you have said before.
He obviously expected to put you in your place. He expected to 'win' through bullying. He was trying to exert power over you to gain power for him self and it has not worked.

Do you know if she got to school? If not, I would call the police now, explain the background, make sure they know he is abusive and had kept her as a way of threatening you. Cheering you from the sidelines x

@clpsmum it sounds as though he has upped the ante. He isn't trying to understand you, and the more you try to understand him the more crazy it will make you. He's on another planet. What he says about you is not true. You are absolutely not ruining your children's lives you are making a safer better future for them. Come back and tell us more if you need to.

It’smeandimscared:

Let me assure you.this will not be the last you har of this, it’s all about them!
Mine has said it 4 times since April!

Just keep the messages, more rope for him to hang himself with!

If he he kept dc2 then it’s up to him to sort that out not you.

Don’t react, don’t respond. Because no response is a response and a powerful one! His chaos of his making.

I know it’s hard but you have to. Or he will continue to try control you thru the kids.
I learnt the hard way.

@Itistimeandiamscared oh my I have just had a read through your posts. You poor thing. I am in the same situation and here if you need a handhold/vent/scream/moan feel free to message me xxxxxx

Thank you so much everyone. I will reply properly in a bit.
I have spoken to the police. I have spoken to the domestic abuse service. I have not spoken to Children's Services yet. I will do once DC2 is back.
Work is sending me home.

Much love @Itistime. Thinking about you x

@Tiddleypops he really has he is being so vile and making my life hell tbh. The dr has referred me to women and children first and put me on anti depressants and beta blockers. Actually feel like I'm just fighting a losing battle and what's the point??? Everything I do he twists to make it sound like I'm the bad guy. All hell has broken lose because I dared asked him what he wanted to do for Christmas with regards to the children. He saying awful horrible things and just making me a nervous wreck to be truthful

Itsmeandimscared and clpsmum

Sorry that you have this to put up with.
This is always going to be about THEM. and no one else.

You have done nothing wrong, except break free for a narcissistic child!

There’s a website called, who is calling me: use it to find out!

Call SS now. Let them put th8ngs in place to help and protect you all.

You have been conditioned to listen and obey them. It is especially hard when they are using the kids against you. Just be consistent with your kids. They need to know that whatever they do, you love them. They are struggling too.

I am sending you both strength and reminding you that this won’t last.
I’m almost 9 months down the line and things ARE different.

Love and hugs 🤗

I was at cahms with my 8yr old DC and part of their advice was structured routine and earlier set bedtime. Told this to STBXH before his night with DC so he was aware of it, he left our 8yr old play his gaming box until 3am and stay in bed until 1

@user1486131602 thank you so much for your nice words they actually made me cry. Just nice to think somebody is on my side even if it is a stranger! Unfortunately I am two years down the line and things are getting worse. I'm at my wits end tbh and honestly don't know what to do or if it will ever stop 😱

Clpsmum

Your ExH isn’t turning them against you, he’s just going to bed and letting them do as they please! You’re the baddie coz you have rules! It was the same for me!

Kind words aren’t enough, go back to WA or anywhere and ask for help. My drs just gave me a prescription and out the door. WA, after a change of adviser, last week, have me seeing a counsellor this week, you need help. Look on gingerbread, or rights for women they both have loads of suggestions.

As before, he’s getting worse coz he has less control.

As I said before, and I don’t know why, but the worse he got, the more it fuelled me.

Try to detach for your emotions, if you can. It’s still effects me when I see mine, so.....I don’t see him! As he walks up the drive, I take shower or go to loo until he leaves!
Come here rant, cry, scream, complain, swear....we don’t care and won’t judge, and ONE of us will have heard it before! 😮

One thing at a time, one day at a time. Don’t let him take anything else from you. Xx
❤️🤗

@user1486131602 thank you so much. I will look up gingerbread. Thank you your words are honestly a big comfort xxxxx

He has actually taken my nine year olds birthday money from him because he doesn't trust me not to spend it WTAF??? He won't give him it unless he is with him

I had that too! Savings, govt isa and pocket money........just another way to control.

Step back, look again.
If he won’t give to him unless they are together.........great. Less time for you to have to deal with him and no going shopping in the game store!
Just turn it on it’s head. And bugger him!

Hi @clpsmum I so agree with @user1486131602 and not sure I can add much really. I think WA is the way to go. Your can't deal with him on your own. He's clearly upped the ante. He survives by having power over you and the DC and he's losing that so is going to ever greater lengths. Your poor 8YO. You are there doing all you can and he just does not give a shit. I am furious on your behalf
He lives in an alternative reality, it doesn't match yours. You'll never figure him out because while your are trying to reach a place that is solid for your kids, and based on understanding and empathy and caring, he is not. He doesn't even understand any of that..
Yep, re the money thing - forget about it. Laugh it off to DC (oh silly daddy, as if I'd spend it, anyway, I'm sure he'd really like to take you shopping with it).

Sending you strength. I do think it's so hard even after separation - we're here trying to do the best for the kids and they just want to do the opposite. It was so clear in mediation that my H literally had no concept about DS welfare being the most important thing, it just did not compute. The mediator was at her wits end trying to get through to him. What a waste of money!

Hi, all. I just carefully written out a nice message with today's happenings. It seems to have been lost. I haven't seen it come up.
This is frustrating as I am beat and ready to sleep.

I will try and write it out again but first of all, I want to say a massive thank you to all of you. I am sincerely so grateful and appreciative. I can't tell you how much your support and handholding helped me.
Thank you.
@Tiddleypops 😘😘😘😘😘😘
@DishingOutDone 😘😘😘😘😘.

Urgh, technology sucks 🙄
Update when you are ready. I hope you get some rest x