Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

I'm glad you have been able to bear witness to this @Itistimeandiamscared and agree with everything @user1486131602 and @Tiedupwithstrings has said.

Thank you @user1486131602 and @Itistimeandiamscared . I appreciate your words.

@Itistimeandiamscared Some wise words there from @Tiedupwithstrings and @user1486131602** .
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

@user1486131602 🤗🤗🤗

Thinking of you both.

@Tiedupwithstrings I really like that from your Al-anon group. We spoke about how, as long we have good motives, we are doing everything right - as right as we can with what we have today. And that sort of chimes with what you said too.
We are so beaten down that being kinder to ourselves is almost impossible. It's so alien. But out of everything we do, this is probably the most important bit!

@Itistimeandiamscared I hear you. This road comes with so many ups and downs, and so many fresh battles doesn't it? Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Things are just things, maybe they aren't worth the battle? It depends on what they are I suppose.
I know what you mean about family too.
I went to stay with my brother and sister in law for a night a few months ago - they couldn't believe how bad things were, how I hadn't told them, how they'd always be there for me etc etc. ... now? Well about every 3 months I get a text saying "how's things?". If I reply with anything like the truth, they just say "aww, bless, well it'll get better" or words to that effect. They want the "Fine thanks" response, that's pretty clear. It hurts!

My dad too, he's amazing in so so so many ways, but christ he just does not get it. I grew up with him as a lone parent, he is supportive in his own awkward, emotionless sort of way - but actually, he still puts on me to sort stuff out all the time etc, which I really really could do without right now!

It is a lonely road, it really is. There's grief, which includes phases of being numb btw - usually before acceptance I think - but it's not the same as grief when someone dies because you can't share it and no one understands unless they have been there or are going through it themselves.

Back to what @Tiedup said earlier though - tell yourself "I love you, you did the best you could today. Even if you didn't accomplish all you set out to, I love you anyway."

The news here is that my Decree Nisi will be pronounced on Thursday. I do not know how I feel about it. The solicitor forwarded me the paperwork and the letter said "I am pleased to enclose..." and I was really angry that he was "pleased" I don't feel pleased... it is a milestone though of course. I don't really know how I feel about it? Sad really, I feel a huge sense of loss at the moment.

My solicitor has also put forward a new financial offer which I hope will be accepted (it's basically the moon on a fucking stick, so it had better be!) - we can apply to for clean break consent order then.

I am worrying about the next steps. H moving out is not going to be pretty. I don't know, but he still seems very much in denial that this is ever going to happen. I also worry about the bonkers requests that will come with regards to childcare/access arrangements. @Itistimeandiamscared - I think what you said really nailed it for most of these men - they are shit scared of the authorities so they direct all their control etc at us. The fact is, they are scared we'll wise up to it too and do everything they can to prevent us standing up to them But we look at us - we are doing it! At times, better than others, but always heading the right way, always for the right reasons, always making progress, even though it doesn't always feel like it. It's really worth remembering that fear they have of other people though; my H was terrified of our mediator - she told him exactly how it was, in no uncertain terms, she said a lot of things I was not brave enough to say to his face.

@Tiddleypops
Sending you 🤗🤗🤗. It feels weird when the nisi comes through. It is ok to have mixed feelings about it, it is ok to feel sad about it and it is ok to feel happy about it.

Sometimes I think too much and worry too much and think maybe we could have just struggled on and then I think about the bad times and how much more frequent they were than the good times and I know going forward no matter how hard is the right path to be on.

Agreeing the finance is really hard. 🙄🙄 hoping that it will go through for you without too much tooing and froing. It takes so long. 🙄

Take one step at a time and try not to worry about things you havent reached yet. Easier said than done I know. I keep thinking about having to move home downwards rather than upwards. And how the hell will I afford it. You are doing great. Just focus on today.

I still cant believe at the start my solicitor told me the whole thing (not moving house but the actual divorce) would take six months. Got to the point now where I am not that far off two years in and still not applied for absolute. It is crazy. Having said that I think solicitors take their time which doesnt help matters.

I think the denial thing is normal with them. And it probably will not be real to him until he has left.

Sending you strength to deal with everything as it comes to you tiddley. 🤗🤗

Hi, @RoseMartha, you sound good. How's your week been so far? My solicitor said the same re:about it taking 6 months. We have not started financials yet.

Hi, @Tiddleypops , congrats on your nisi. I understand your mixed feelings on receiving the news from your solicitor. My nisi is being announced next week. I also got a 'hey, I have good news.....' from my solicitor. I just felt panicked, wobbly and started wondering if I was doing the right thing. I was also filled with fear for the future and a fear of being on my own (officially). I felt sad and humongous guilt towards my children.. because of my children. Actually that guilt made me want to call it off. On the other hand, a small other hand, I felt glad. A happiness that things were progressing, a happiness that the end was in sight, a happiness that one day I would be mostly free from him (except for DC we have in common). It was a real mix of emotions.
Luckily, the turmoil of feelings did not last long because STBXH as reliable as ever started another campaign of nastiness.

@Tiddleypops , I read your post about your DB & SIL, and you described exactly what it is like. No one really wants to hear how you are really coping or doing. They just want to hear 'I am fine'.

Thank you @user1486131602, @Tiedupwithstrings, @RoseMartha, @Tiddleypops* , @DishingOutDone*, thank you all for your lovely words and support when I was having a mojor emotional time. How is everyone?

I have a professional exam tomorrow. I have not been revising... I am not prepared. And I can't seem to rustle up any concern that it means money down the drain if I don't pass. And it is essential for work. And I can't seem to rustle up concern that it will affect my work. That is worrisome to me.

I am just numb. I can't seem to care. I have underlying anxiety that is building. I feel uneasy for a couple of reasons. One is this weekend is the deadline STBXH gave. He is coming to take back his car. The annoying thing is it is actually my car, if we are going by 'it's mine... It's mine'. But for reasons was bought in his name. Long story. All part of me trying to be a good submissive wife.

And it is annoying. He is just doing this because he can. He does not care that he is morally, financially and factually in the wrong, he does not care that it affects my getting to work and ferrying DC around their various activities, school, appointments etc.

I am torn between just letting him take it because I don't want to battle and putting up a fight because I can't bear the feeling of feeling like a doormat. Of continuing to let him feel like he can keep walking all over me.

I simply can't afford to get another car right now. I just can't.

I am torn. Do I put up a fight? Do I just let it go? Any wise words/advice is welcome.

Itsmeandimscared:
Nope! Possession in this country is 9/10 of the law.
Can you prove you have been contributing towards it? If you can, call the DVLA and the police and finance company, explain that it is subject to an abusive divorce, yes you were with an abuser! And explain that you will not be handing back because.......
Then tell him to bugger off, or pay you your half in cash now, so you can buy another to ferry his kids about in! Is the insurance in you name, does the car tax, come out of your account? Does the car payment some out of a joint account? All these things will prove that the car is a community asset. Use those words whilst explains to police etc. They won’t want to aid the return of the car to him.
HEs throwing a wobbly coz he’s losing more control. Just reread the solicitors txt again.
And since you’re felt happy and then not, you are not numb! Just emotionally exhausted, and as hard as that is, it means you are coming to terms with your new life.
Don’t worry about your exam, do as you would tell your kids, try your best, if it works out , great.....if it doesn’t, there’s always a resit, after explains to your company what you’re going thru!

As for am I feeling ok? No, but I will.
I have come to the realisation that the only the chaos can continue is if I hold on to the house. So I’m going make sure it’s sold ASAP seeing WA tomo to get some more help and some advice as to how i should apply to who for housing?

My son came with me (even tho he didn’t want to) to a fireworks display, he did that for me and it was like being a kid again!
Sparklers and everything!
Small wins and walking towards freedom.......

Tiddleypops:
I wasn’t elated when I got mine either, it signal the finality of things doesn’t. But I did feel lighter knowing that I had proved in law everything I had told him over the yrs and he either denied or refused to change.
I’m sending over some hugs 🤗 🤗🤗 because I understand the mixed feelings. Take it, it’s another win!
My financials are going to be messy! But by deciding to sell, stops him controlling the situation and my life and once the house is sold there is nothing of value left. I want my entire divorce done by March/ April 2020. That will be a year and long enough for me to wait for my freedom.
I’m sorry that yours has taken this long! Don’t expect him to accept your offer, he will use it to try control you and the situation. I offer mine everything and his response was wholly unacceptable!

One day at a time ladies, ❤️🤗

I am glad you have confirmed that this happy and sad all at the same time feeling is normal - at least it is when in such a similar situation.

Something that really struck a chord with me (and is helping me recognise that what I am doing is so so right) is that I just heard of the death of an old acquaintance through alcoholism. He wasn't really a friend as such, but we worked together for a while and we knew lots of the same people. We were Facebook friends. I had no idea of his illness, I thought he was doing well. So it was a huge huge shock and I think the biggest part of that is that it relates to my situation so closely. It confirms I am right to move away from a relationship with an alcoholic, because the only person who can help him is himself. It also confirms how tragic a disease it is and has amplified my sadness this week. It's a natural sadness though if that makes sense? It feels normal and ok to feel sad and I know I'm working through it.

@Itistimeandiamscared please stop being so hard on yourself. If you reread back through your posts from a few pages ago, where you were spinning approximately 400 plates all at once, it would probably be less of a surprise that you feel numb. You must be completely exhausted. And then you have an exam to boot!
It must feel so trivial on top of all you have had to deal with.
user1486131602 is right, you would tell a child to do their best. If you fail (and you will probably surprise yourself!) it was just not meant to be this time. If you need it for work, then I am sure you can retake it, explain to your boss. Honestly it can be difficult to see how much strain you are under, but when I told my boss all about it, he was amazed I was still turning up so literally everything else was a huge bonus

I am not sure what to say about the car situation - I remember you mentioning it before though.
So it is registered in his name? Can you change that? Do you have the log book (is it form V5 or something)?
Hmmm, one way or another you really could do with cutting that tie to him. I think I said before, I had a lease car in my H's name and it was such a relief when the lease came to an end! However, it's obviously a huge expense to just hand it over to him and go and buy another one. You really need him to sign the V5 form and get it sorted that way, but that's not gonna happen even if you ask him to is it? I wish I had some better advice.

@user1486131602 good luck with the WA and the housing situation. I really hope they come up with something suitable for you and DS. It's such a difficult situation but hang on to the thought of being free of him and back in control of your own life. I too am hoping for March/April time.

You're right that my H will probably try to scupper things once more! BUT I have seen a couple of things that show he has at least given some thought to worst case scenario (that being him not getting anything out of me for at least 2 years!) so I will not relent again. The offer will not be increased.

Okay ladies!

Been to WA AID. took 2.5 hrs and a new lady, but.......help for housing, ensured! Change benefits, add benefits, claim UC. Apply for discretionary grant and ask gas and electric for help from their trusts set up for these circumstances !
As son has been ‘ looking after’ me during this time and I’m on benefits for my mental health and physical problems, he qualifies as a carer and should be claiming! So did that claim online.
I am asking for my health benefits to be reassessed as they are worse than 2018, that should mean I get access to a mobility car and even blue badge ........wow! I’m getting old!
So, tomorrow on to my solicitor to get the dd and TC fiasco sorted.
Then put the house on the market, as soon as I have heard I qualify for social housing of some sort!
With the advice and help I’ve had today, I can easily afford my bills albeit a bit late!

Things are things, and even though this has been catastrophic in some ways it has certainly made me see who I should invest in...me! ( and my son ) as I said to the lady today: my heart is open to my dd, but the door is closed. Meaning I’m moving forward and using this time as a break from her drama. If she wants to come at any time for any reason she can. But needs to ‘knock on the door’ and ask.

I’m looking forward to the next chapter, I have been wallowing far too long. Or, maybe the time wasn’t right?!
Use your heart and spirit to guide you, and things will work out.

One day at a time ladies ❤️🤗

@user1486131602, this is is great news. I am absolutely delighted for you.
You deserves good things and good luck. Well done. I hope you have a good night"s sleep tonight.

@Tiddleypops, I'm glad you've reached that milestone, but yes it must also feel very sad. Hopefully that's a helpful stage in coming to terms with everything. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope you can give yourself a break and pat on the back before tackling the next steps! 🤗🤗🤗

@user1486131602, so pleased to hear that! That is such good news and must be such a relief! Hope you get some rest now.

@RoseMartha, good to hear from you. You do sound well. I can't believe it's taken 2 years though! How's your week been?

@Itistimeandiamscared, I really hope you get some support with the car. @user148 had some good advice there I think. Take care of yourself 🤗🤗🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared any news on car situation

@user1486131602 some good news for you. You deserve it. 🤗

@Tiedupwithstrings How are you?

Thank you for asking. It hasn't been a great week. But until tonight felt fairly positive.

Dc issues but nothing divorce related, more ongoing health related.

H was not pleasant on phone today.

Also even after I ask when he wants contact he is unable to commit and will only have them if he is not doing anything and he might be doing something but he cant or wont tell me if he has plans now. 😕🙄 so we will have to wait. And I know he wont be able to see them until late next week if he doesnt see them this weekend. And then somehow he will make it my fault he hasn't seen them!

Having frustrating week with parents also.

Hi @RoseMartha, sorry to hear that your week has gradually gotten kinda difficult.. Sorry to hear about your parents.
Are they still yet to be assessed for support or has that happened now?
I guess the health problems with DC are long-term? I hope any flare ups or acute episodes will resolve quickly.
It is not easy.

@RoseMartha, would you consider stop making calls to or taking calls from H? Only communicate by texts or emails. It sounds laborious and he may resist it but it is actually not laborious. It serves as a record. Also even if he is abusive, throwing insults it is a lot easier to say them over the phone, it is harder to type out novels of insult. Also hearing those things directly over the phone in his voice must hurt like crazy. It loses some of it's power via text. And again serves as a record.
He may resist but you will have to mean it and you will have to be consistent. He will only last so long.

STBXH kept trying to call for 3 weeks. I will not take his call. He will ask the children to pass over the phone or put it on speaker. I still did not take his calls. He then decided to not communicate at all. My solicitor said just wait him out because he will have to communicate eventually. So I will text & email. He will not reply. This went on for months. But eventually he had to communicate. Now all communication is via text.

Change the dynamics between you and him.

It is very hard but try not to internalise the blame he tries to put on you for outcomes that he has caused himself. This is hard but try your best to just ignore his 'it is your fault.....' and don't respond by defending or explaining. Treat it as spam mail -> straight in to the trash bin.

I suspect that it will help you greatly if H had DC consistently and often enough. Basically if he pulled his weight... but don't let that need allow him hold you to ransom. Do DC qualify for any form of respite... like a youth club or activity club etc?

I wish I had more helpful suggestions.

Re: the car situation, it is this weekend. I will update.

@RoseMartha, hope you have a good weekend. And if your H doesn't see DC and would not get to see them till next weekend, keep telling your brain - that was his choice. Our brains will rewire towards something if they are told that thing often enough.

If I have assumed wrongly regarding how you feel about him blaming you for things, about DC health and stuff, about communicating only via texts etc, i hope I have not caused offence. I sincerely apologise if I have.

@RoseMartha I echo what Itistime said. Something has to change in the dynamic because your H is still badly abusing you 😞 If you could move towards setting some rules about when and how he can contact you I think that would really help at least give you back some space. I understand that it's easy to say and difficult to do.

I don't know about you, but I think I have put up with MORE shit (especially re DS) than I did before I ended the marriage. I think partly it's guilt for me, partly perhaps a naive (but reasonable!) assumption that in these times of change we'll be moving towards a new dynamic and while I'm trying to find the right way to compromise and make things run smoothly, I'm assuming that he will be too. WRONG! These men live in an alternative reality to us. They have literally no desire to come to a place that involves a new level playing field. They only want power over us. It's the only way they survive - the more we try to understand them, the more our minds get warped and the more power they feel they have. I'm reading the Verbally Abusive Relationship at the moment and it really spells everything out and gives tips for dealing with it. It's helped me clear the fog massively. If you have time to read it, I would recommend it x

I don't know about you, but I think I have put up with MORE shit (especially re DS) than I did before I ended the marriage. I think partly it's guilt for me, partly perhaps a naive (but reasonable!) assumption that in these times of change we'll be moving towards a new dynamic and while I'm trying to find the right way to compromise and make things run smoothly, I'm assuming that he will be too. WRONG! These men live in an alternative reality to us. They have literally no desire to come to a place that involves a new level playing field. They only want power over us. It's the only way they survive - the more we try to understand them, the more our minds get warped and the more power they feel they have.

@Tiddleypops , 🖕🖕🖕 so apt.

Thank you for writing this.

@user1486131602, hope you are okay.

I have been feeling very unsettled and alone. I will go to a domestic abuse support group meeting today. I need some strength.
I think I know what I am going to do about the car situation....I think. I am not 100% cert.
I will update after the weekend.

@RoseMartha, really sorry to hear he is still messing you around with contact. I agree with @Itistimeandiamscared and @Tiddleypops, it sounds as though verbal communication gives him free rein to abuse you and putting a stop to that could really help you move forward and have evidence of the abuse. I do think you or your solicitor need to push him to commit to a regular day for contact with DC's, it's just not fair him continuing to mess you- and the kids- about like this. I know that it's easy to say and much harder to do though! And when you've had that abuse for so long... Hope your weekend is peaceful ♥️

@itistimeandiamscared, I'm glad you've found a support group, I hope that helps. I went to all anon and cried- again! - and then felt shattered the rest of that day, but have been feeling a bit better since then. I know what you mean about unsettled, I think it's the worst feeling in a way, but at least you know it will pass, hopefully soon. I find moving house really unsettling and found it took me a few months to feel at home in our current house. I really hope the car situation sorts itself out, hope to hear good news soon...

A combination of meditation and getting a hair cut seem to have improved things for me this week. H was clearly drinking today (was 'working from home', but when I asked him something the fumes that came out of the study when he opened the door!!) but it didn't bother me much. It reminded me to keep on with separation. He still seems to be reasonable at the moment, so that's something to be grateful for!

Hi, @Tiedupwithstrings, I can't even imagine how it must be living with an alcoholic. Sending you (((huggsss))). I am glad the al-anon meeting helped you. Crying is good. From my experience, at this stage you are - knowing things can't continue the way they are but not yet separated - is the time a lot if crying happens. Looking back, I also realise it is the time our uncertainty is gradually taken away and we are gradually filled with conviction. So crying is good.

I went to my old support group because I have not joined a new one here. I cried so much at the meeting. They are the loveliest bunch of people. And they have handheld me throughout the car thing today.

I had decided that I had to change the dynamics of the way he thinks he can treat me. So I dropped off DC but not the car. He did not like that at all. He is coming to my house today to get it. So the saga continues.

@Tiedupwithstrings, I have not meditated in a while. I think I need to.. ? Hope your haircut is what you wanted. Stay strong.

@user1486131602, how are you? How have things been since your WA meeting? The info you got seemed very positive. Have you started any applications towards all that?
Just thinking of you. Really hoping you are alright.

@Itistimeandiamscared, thank you for those words of encouragement- that bit about gradually being filled with conviction is really good for me to hear.

I think you did the right thing to not drop the car off. I just hope it goes ok today- sending you strength!

I found this free app (there are courses you have to pay for so watch out for those) called insight timer with lots of free meditations. It has sleep meditations and I used one the other night, which did the trick beautifully. Hope this might help anyone living with insomnia...

Hope everyone else is ok.

@Itistimeandiamscared of course he didn't like it. You are not complying. You did the right thing.
I'm so glad to hear you went to your support group and that they gave you so much support. I think you needed to do that. You know, you are superhuman, you really are, everything I read from you on here tells me that. Superhumans have to recharge though, you've been going and going and going and going for so long, it's no wonder you feel depleted. Please remember how far you have come and remember that you can only deal with today.

Also, I was thinking about the numbness. It's not the same at all, but my first long term partner committed suicide. I was very young at the time and it blew my emotional spectrum far beyond that of my friends, I couldn't get excited or worked up about their tiny little dramas any more and they had no concept at all about what I was going through. It was a lonely time and I remember a numbness. I didn't fit in anymore, where I had always fitted before.
But time happened. And gradually things evened out again. I still have two of my best friends from that time and we are closer than ever. They've had difficulties and I've changed too. Time doesn't heal wounds fully, sometimes huge scars are left, but I do think you get used to living with the scars and you do find a way back to yourself over time.

Anyway, sending strength today. I know, however things turn out, you'll do the best you can and one way or another you'll get through. Please come back to let us know. I will be thinking of you x

@Tiedupwithstrings it sounds as though you have done so well this last few weeks, I can see some detachment - considerate and caring detachment, where you are no longer getting caught up in his drama and drinking cycles and instead focusing on your needs. I'm so pleased x