Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Hi ladies.
RoseMartha.
sorry that the kids are picking up where he left off. I also had this. The psychiatrist said that they take up the baton that H drops, and to keep to your boundaries. I did, my daughter left. She’s older than yours and at 16 we all believe we are grown up! I would explain to your kids that no matter what they do/say to you, you will always love them,but, you will not put up with bad language or lack of respect. And as hard as it is, keep to it, or things won’t change for you.

Itsmeandimscared
Hope things haven’t been too difficult for you this weekend.

Tiedupwithstrings
Not a pleasant way to find out, but be glad you did, he wasn’t ever going to tell you and as he has another victim his interest is n you will fade.
Small wins, take them wherever you find them!

Tiddleypops
Sorry to hear about your friend.
As I have said before if your hubbys condition is worsening, that’s down to him. You are not his mother. Time for him to grow up or ship out!

Oops........

DishingOutDone, clpsmum and isitme
Hope the weekend has been good to you.

Love and hugs

@RoseMartha that is awful! How old are DCs? Mine would always be very upset if H was rude to me, in fact he was shouting at me last week and youngest DD16 who still lives here was so upset.

Your ex is really affecting them so much and as someone said upthread, still abusing you. Do you have, or will you go for, a child arrangement order? He's manipulating you with contact . Do you have a solicitor and if so, are they any good?

Everyone is struggling so much. I'm just lying low. Youngest Dd mentioned above can't cope with any conflict and I'm waiting to hear news about my operation before Christmas, so all quiet here. H is pursuing his non-cooperation so nothing is getting done, but could be worse. The calm before the storm

@RoseMartha, I'm so sorry to hear about your dcs. That must be so hard. I think @user1486131602 is right, you need to find a way to let them know it's not ok to treat you like that. You are their safe person and a certain amount of acting out is expected but not to that extent. Could WA or another org get you some support for this or even family counseling? So the DC's can understand a bit better what's happening?

Thanks @user1486131602, yes I think on the whole I'm grateful as it means we can all move on and I can be free. However, I just asked my dc how his afternoon had been and he said he'd been round to this person's flat- the person whose name came up on the message. I feel sick. AIBU to feel angry and upset about this?? I would have thought you don't introduce dc to a new partner until you'd been with them for a number of months or am I living in some parallel universe? Wow. Sorry, feeling quite shocked. Hopefully once I've chatted to a friend I'll feel a bit better.

Tiedupwithstrings:
No, your not being unreasonable, he is.
But we are adults fighting to do what best for our children and he is doing what’s best for him, and only him.
Just try to convince yourself, another mistake on his behalf, (make sure you note this and advise the lawyer) another reason that you were right to go!
I am finding it really hard myself lately, but, I’m looking at all he’s doing as more fuel for me. He thinks he’s being clever, but he’s just not doing to hurt me, just himself!
The hard bit for us is letting go of the usual routine! Remember, step away from the chaos! That’s served me well so far.
❤️🤗

Thank you @user148. Yes wise words. I'm glad you are doing better too- you sound strong. You're right, I just need to detach from this. And yes the upside is I have confirmation that I've made the right decision. That is a win in itself.

User you seem in a better place. How are things?

Thank you all 🤗

@user1486131602 and @Tiedupwithstrings And @DishingOutDone

I think I will call the solicitor in the morning. I did try a couple of weeks ago and never got through to anything except voicemail and didn't bother leaving a message..

I will also try WA.

Dc are 12 . I did have a chat and gave a consequence for the behaviour yesterday which although was moaned about must have had some positive effect as behaviour was greatly improved today, some back chat etc but a normal level. But also wanting lots of hugs. I also asked for hugs which were happily given. I also made it clear that I will not tolerate the behaviour like yesterday and there will be consequences in place if it happens again. Which no doubt it will.

No child arrangement order. H wants us to sort it between us. Which I am doing but he blocks or changes the rules at every opportunity. Or backs out of contact at the last minute. Or will not agree to a day. Might have to do something formal at some point.

I am so worried about money as are we all, the legal costs have rocketed from my original quote and not over yet.

What I need is an earlier night. I have only slept a total of nine hours in the last 48 hours. Running on an empty cylinder and the other one is getting low.

Oh goodness, hugs all round 🤗🤗🤗

@RoseMartha that sounds so difficult. You've had some good advice re solicitor and WA. I hope they can offer some help. The DC wanting hugs a lot does suggest that they need you more than ever, even though their behaviour suggests otherwise. I hope you had a restful night. I'm not really one to talk because I struggle awfully with sleep, but I do have a meditation app on my phone and sometimes I put on a sleep meditation in the night if I'm struggling. Doesn't always work but often does. Good luck. Keep your focus on them and away from your STBXH.
A CAO may be expensive but it could be worth exploring this since he's being so abusive If you can explore family counselling though, this might help you with boundaries which would also be a good step x

@Tiedupwithstrings WTF? He's not only met someone else but the DC have been round there Remind me, is he still living with you? He's doing you a favour but urgh, how utterly shallow!

@DishingOutDone good luck with the operation news. Sometimes lying low is all we can do, it's the right thing to do. I hope you are OK.

@user1486131602 please can you send me some of your positive attitude? No matter what your H does to try and damage you, you manage to turn it on its head, you are an inspiration! I need some of that right now.

@Itistimeandiamscared I am still thinking about you my lovely. I hope you got through the weekend OK x

Well, Saturday I overheard my H talking to my step daughter. Wow. He pulled me apart, accused me of lies, he did admit the reason for our split was "a lot to do with the drinking", but then went on to say he doesn't even drink a lot. He said "everyone lies about how many units a week they drink, when the GP asks". He told her I'm going to try and stop him seeing DS (and implied this meant her access would be restricted too)! Utter bullshit and then some. Then he moved on to rip my character apart, slag off how little I've done with the house. It just went on.

I was raging. I was also incredibly hurt that he would deliberately say all those things to DSD. I don't care what crap he tells his mates, but not DSD!
As I've calmed down though, I've realised he's done me some favours (perhaps your attitude is a little infectious after all user1486131602 ). She now knows drink was a big factor. She'll have told her mum hopefully and her mum will have validated that drink was a problem in their relationship. He also said I'd told lies about him being abusive - again, her mum has had similar experiences.
Because of the bullcrap he came out with about my stopping access to them, it has highlighted that perhaps now is a good time to make sure that she knows that isn't the case and I can start to setup more direct communication with her, so she will know my door is always open.
Then she can draw her own conclusions about the rest of what he said.

Urgh, I would just love an easy life for a little while though

@Tiddleypops 🤗🤗🤗
I am hoping like you she can see through his words. Do they have a good relationship? I hope that she talks to her mum and her mum gives her some honest answers. That was so hard for you. So sorry you had to hear it. 🤗🤗

Ty everyone.
Couldnt get through to WA at all. Tried three times.

Better joy with solicitor who was helpful with advice and options of what I can do.

@Tiddleypops, I'm sorry to hear about that, how upsetting and unjust. You sound like you're dealing with it really well! And it sounds as though dsd will get to the truth of it.

Yes I am looking at this as a gift. Going to collect my thoughts and speak to him later in the week, but I'm feeling much calmer about it now.

Thanks @user1486131602 for your positive attitude, always a big help!

@RoseMartha, how are you? 🤗🤗🤗

@RoseMartha, sorry missed your last post. Sorry you couldn't get through to WA but glad your solicitor has been helpful. Sounds like WA are worth the wait after the help they gave @user1486131602. I heard apparently mornings are worst, afternoons often a bit easier to get through?

Morning ladies

Hope things we’re ok for you all over the weekend

Rose Martha.
Call your local council and ask for the number of local WA much quicker and easier for you to access their help.x

For myself, been unwell, had a migraine for a few days, then woke up with a nasty cold this morning ! And typically, I have had my flu jab!!

So, sending everyone ❤️🤗.....but,back to bed for me!

Aw take care of yourself user - bit of sods law there I think!

I always recommend the National Domestic Violence helpline because they are so good on verbal abuse, coercion etc - much easier to get through to. I felt really bad calling them initially but every time I call they say no don't worry, we can deal with that too - I believe calls are routed to Women's aid or Refuge, I've never got through to WA but get through this way every time:

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Gosh sorry but I need to rant. So my h is currently still living with us and will not consider moving out. He said he would be away tonight but then turned up this evening and I got really upset and ended up going through everything that I'd found out at the weekend. I'd meant to do it at a calm time and am really annoyed with myself, but I hadn't expected to see him and I lost my cool. Also it feels so unfair that he turns up just as I'm trying to get children to bed and then leaves me to deal with fall out. He implied I'm mad and laughed at me, denied what he'd done at first, but then I think he realised it was pointless to deny it. He then blamed it on me.

I asked him to move out and said I thought that would be the reasonable thing to do and he said I should move out and kept saying "it's MY house".

I know I shouldn't engage and I feel really upset with myself, but I guess everything caught up with me. I felt very scared and shaky at the time and for an hour or so afterwards. Now I feel shattered. Don't know how I'm going to sleep though.

I just don't know if I can manage to stay sane while he is under the same roof. I'm desperate to get away from him. I know it wouldn't be sensible to move out against legal advice but... Aaargh!

Think most on here have been through the "its my house" rant. What actually is the situation Tiedup? Does he have somewhere else to go, e.g., parents - and are you renting or do you own the house jointly?

@dishingoutdone, thanks so much for replying. I know my situation could be a lot worse, I'm just feeling so broken tonight. He does have parents nearby but doesn't want to stay with them. He did not have a happy childhood so I don't really blame him. He could easily afford to rent for a while. We own the house jointly but he has always been the much higher earner (not helped by me going part time after kids and ending up giving up work a year ago because of stress and asd dc being part time at school). I was really hoping to end it amicably but when the trust is gone that is very hard. I need to get the meditation appointment in and then go see a solicitor again I think.

Thanks again. Hope you get some news on the operation soon! 🤞🤞🤞

Morning @Tiedupwithstrings - my H could rent too but he'll probably do something similar - it seems this type of man always wants to stay in the house, to keep the "control" if you see what I mean (of his wife not the house - I reckon most couldn't give a toss about it).

My solicitor thought H met the threshold for an occupation order 2 years ago, but my youngest DD (16) became unwell and then specifically asked me not to use the occupation order to force him out. He reigned it in a bit as she was so ill - he must have thought hmm, need to make myself look like the great dad here. Me and H are older - late 50s early 60s so there are other problems coming up around pensions and health things etc. There's always a reason why now is not a good time to force the issue but timing is everything. I do believe this is your time, you can't live like that, so definitely start pushing for solutions. I've been championing the work of the National Domestic Violence helpline here (they must hate me!) but they are brilliant on verbal abuse and coercion etc., I used to feel so stupid telling people the things he'd done but they identified these odd things as red flags for our being at risk when he is told to go, it clarified everything for me, cleared my mind - does that make sense?If your H is in your face and refusing to go, please do call them - its easier to get through than WA.

I was about to say I am lucky I don't have younger DCs because clearly from reading about other people's situations here STBExH's use the kids for control as well, but then thats bollocks because staying till they are late teens has meant the damage them from living in an unhappy household for the entirety of their childhoods is already well and truly done. Thanks for good wishes about op, I am seeing consultant again before Christmas!

@DishingOutDone, thanks so much for your advice and encouragement. I'm sorry to hear you have ended up having to stay like that, it must be so hard. You sound strong though and like you're ready to act when the time is right.

Yes I think you're right, there are some red flags there. I think I've only just started to understand about coersion so speaking to the DV support line sounds a good idea. Thank you.

Feeling a little bit better today, Al anon has helped.

Hope everyone else is feeling ok this week. 🤗🤗🤗

@Tiedupwithstrings my h would not move out for almost 18 months. It was hell. He had the bed and bed room and I had to sleep on the floor throughout. Sending you strength bc it is so very hard. Just take one day at a time. That was how I got through it. One day and one step at a time. It is all you can do. I shake abd feel upset and unsettled after my h has a go even now. That is a normal reaction but not one which is good to live through.
You sound like you are positive. Which is good and will help you immensely. 🤗🤗

Thank you user and dishing I will see if I can contact them in the ways you have suggested.

I have even put seeing parents off despite them calling a dozen times a day, this week as focusing on getting things done that I need to for me and dc.

Glad to hear you have put off the parents @RoseMartha, do not feel guilty about that, you have enough on your plate.

@Tiedupwithstrings he is a proper type. Entitled, controlling, thinks the world (especially you) owes him the moon on a stick and then some. I don't blame you for losing it. He is so like my H. Some of it is the alcoholism. Some of it is pure arseholeism.
I've been a bit up and down and shaky this week too, since I heard the conversation H had with DSD. Things keep coming back to me, there were so many lies, rewritten histories and made up back stories. I felt attacked and defenceless and I my brain is trying to work it all out.
I will let go of these things though. I just need a little time up get through it.
I'm worried about what is to come, but I'll going get stronger 💪

@DishingOutDone I think you may have sold that helpline to me too 😂 They'll be having a very busy week! Tempted to call them because I feel a bit like my H is becoming volatile. He's been extremely paranoid and it's getting worse (not just about me, but about lots of other things too), I'm starting to think he may have some sort of paranoid personality disorder, so a bit worried about the danger up ahead when things start to come to a close. It sounds like they may be of some assistance.

It's difficult isn't it? It's not something you can explain to someone who's never been through it.

Will need a new thread soon!

New!! WA live chat service!!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3749431-MNHQ-here-FYI-Womens-Aid-has-launched-a-new-live-chat-service

@Tiddleypops 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Thanks for link also.

Been having panic attacks this evening. Looks like house will go on the market this side of Christmas. I havent done everything that needed to be done as have three minor jobs to do but it is fitting it in and had some storm damage two weeks ago of which I am still waiting for the workman to give me a quote for, have chased him twice. Worried I will only be able to buy a too small flat in the worst area of town. 😕

H wise been fairly quiet but I doubt that will last.

How is everyone?

Wow lots going on for everyone.

H said to me earlier that his life hadn't turned out how he was led to believe it would. He'd thought he'd be living a life of comfort with all the things he wanted provided for him. I knew what was coming so I said "Who was meant to provide all that?!" and he said "the nice young lady I met in that room all those years ago". Me. I was 16, the same as youngest DD now. Made my skin crawl thinking someone could prey on her in the same way. Then I realised that's 41 years ago. Turns your brain inside out to look at your 16 year old and think when I was that age I met a man who I would allow to waste most of my life.

Well. That's cheered us all up!!!

@RoseMartha I can imagine how you feel too - the price of your freedom is your home. Its shit; I turn it over in my head night after night thinking is there any way I could keep this house, keep my home together. You have so much to cope with, I am in awe of you.

Just over a year since the second thread (this one) was started. I wonder how all those posters from the very first thread got on.