Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Hi RoseMartha how are you?
Today I've got appointment with solicitor. Think this has kept me going past few weeks.

Tiddley you have appointment this week too I think?

How did it go Mammy? 🤗

Week from hell so far, mostly related to kids irritating h for mixed reasons some worth dealing with others better ignored. And h flying off the handle every time. He is refusing to help in any way round the house but expects his meals cooked and clothes laundered etc. And has been giving me the silent treatment since yesterday which had been extended to kids too but he is talking to them again now 😕

Plus my mum is ill and getting worse but not in a contagious way.

Hi. I am a late joiner. But good to see my people.
DH was abusive (emotionally, financially and the last time also physically) leading to police involvement over a month ago and DH since then has not slept in the home.
He has gotten himself a flat close to our current home. Still has the keys to our home and comes and goes as he pleases, no consistency.
I have said the kids need a routine and he should let me know the fixed days he would be coming to see them, so they don't spend everyday in uncertainty. Apparently, he can't commit to that because he would not be controlled by me.
He plans to have custody 50:50 so would not & is not contributing financially to their welfare. Though he hasn't had them for over a month. And when they are not with him, he would still pop by now and then to see them when he wants. After asking, he said yes, the same applies to me. I could pop by to see the kids when they are with him.
He also plans to have this arrangement for 6 months and then he would know if the marriage is over or not.
I feel a dread of what awaits coming over me.

All the best with your mum @RoseMartha

@Itistimeandiamscared 🤗have you been to the solicitor for advice. It cant go on like that it us not good for you or the kids. The contact thing is a nightmare isn't it? My h struggles to have them for three hours and wants some three night weekends!?! 🙄 i can see this is not in best interest of kids and said so. And for this and other issues so it goes on...

Come here and vent anytime.

Thank you. She has had some memory problems for some time but all of a sudden gone downhill and fast. Waiting for appointment at memory clinic. Not helped by fact she has multiple other heath issues. 😕☹️

Welcome to the thread @itistimeandiamscared (great user name BTW)
We've said this before I think - but it seems certain all these men go to Twat school. Honestly they take advantage all our married lives - then as soon as we "say hang on a minute this isn't working for me" they turn into manipulative idiots.
My counsellor told me this behaviour exists under the surface all the time - and in my case eXH was very subtle in how he got me to behave to suit him (mainly sexually coercive with me) but then when I said I'd had enough and wanted a divorce the behaviour is no longer "hidden" as such and he's been much more openly emotionally manipulative. It's been one hell of a learning curve adjusting to this new person I'm dealing with - and I definitely have cowed down to him - and will probably still do so until we are finally under different roofs - but I am learning to be my own person at the same time. And also just hoping I can get through this last bit without loosing my S**t completely! Just have to hope that is enough to get the kids through it too! (they adore him of course due to his super dad routine since I mentioned a breakup - funny how 12 months of "super Dad" can over write the previous 10 years of mainly indifference towards them isn't it!)
Sorry I've had a ramble - but I'm sure you all understand this - right??

@iamthrough 🤗🤗

Hi all and welcome @itstime . That sounds like a crazy set up he has designed with him coming and going like that. He sounds deluded to be honest. I hope you make some progress soon.

@rosemartha yes, the kids thing is the worst, its so annoying to see them being used as pawns.

@Iamthrough That is interesting about these behaviours being hidden all along. I think that is probably true and when they are seen as who they are, they dont have to make the effort to be covert about it any more. I think we are better off when they are upfront about it though. At least you can see what you are dealing with and are less likely to be manipulated.

We have had a mediation session and have made a bit of progress. A long road ahead still to get everything sorted

iamthrough thanks and greater username too. Hopefully i would be through soon...i mean the emotional and psychological side of it. I know the other aspects will take time. I quite identified with your post. Wasn't a ramble at all. Mine is now a superdad too.

Hi, demented . Thank you. All the best with mediation.

How is everyone today?

Today, i am so angry and so sad..all at the same time.
I feel discarded...even though i definitely don't want to go back to that relationship.
DH has made no attempt to fight for the marriage (i don't know why i want him too) instead he has gleefully rushed into his new life, new flat, getting the kids excited about going shopping for furniture, utensils etc to kit out the new place.
In our house he never showed interest in decorating, or picking out furniture or utensils and he never contributed to buying any either. He moaned whenever i was on a project to make the house look nice and comfortable. He refused for me to get rid of our old outdated, broken down sofas and TV stand (he had them before we started dating). Now, he is going furniture shopping and leaving all his stuff he no longer wants and i have never wanted.
I just feel so unsettled today.

How did your appointment go @mammynowanauntyIRL? Mine is this week.

@RoseMartha, so sorry to hear about your mum 😔 Your H sounds like he's being incredibly difficult. It's so bloody unfair on the kids, and must be exhausting for you.

@iamthrough interesting about the counsellor saying the behaviour is there all along. I can see so much manipulation when I look back on things that have happened in the past, it boils my piss, I'm so angry And even more angry that he's still doing it.

@Itistimeandiamscared that sounds very familiar. My H refused to do anything to our house too, and I feel like I live in a dump. As iam said, they all go to the same Twat school! My H very much wanted to outdo his ex partner before me, but I can tell you it was all an act. I'm sure your H will be the same. Good luck, he sounds very difficult and dangerous. You are on your way to freedom though, keep going and come back here whenever you feel fragile

@Demented101 glad to hear you've made some progress.

I have been away for a few days this week. I noticed H had not paid into our bills account. Then all of a sudden his money went in, a week late. He has not responded to me asking him to move out, nothing, just ignoring it! I suspect the late payment was a bit of a strop (but he realised it would screw himself over too because he has most of his own things coming out of that account too, phone bill, child maintenance to his ex etc). In all honesty I was a bit disappointed when I saw he'd paid up, I was going to use it was yet more ammo

Anyway, solicitor this week and I hope I'll get somewhere soon.

Sorry not been on since wed - my dog had to be pts on thurs, second of two dogs this year & this is one of the few places I can admit that losing those two dogs hurt much more than my marriage ending, says it all doesn't it?

Appointment went well, she has sent a letter on my behalf requesting access be regularised, asking for proposals for Christmas & asking for explanation for why contribution to joint bills account has been reduced & for clarification about family home. Best €50 I've ever spent.
She suggested mediation but I said no way, been there done that & it's not worth trying again.

Rose that's awful that your h also gives children the silent treatment.

@Itistimeandiamscared welcome to the thread. My h also doesn't want to commit to a routine as apparently it's me dictating when he can see his children. What does he mean he will know if the marriage is over? Do you not get a say in it?

@iamthrough The super dad routine irritates me so much as he couldn't be bothered spending time with the dc at all prior to us separating

@mammynowanauntyIRL 🤗🤗🤗sorry to hear about your dog. Glad meeting was positive.

@Tiddleypops good luck with your appointment.

@Itistimeandiamscared sending a 🤗🤗

@Demented101 glad some progression made.

Thanks ladies, he is being worse this week and then he thought he would tell me he loves me, even though he is on dating sites!! ( not once has there been an indication of apology, mainly because he doesnt think he has done anything wrong). I ignored comment i also ignored his comment when he said he doesnt understand why i want to divorce him. I went over that with him numerous times 7 months ago. 🙄😕🤔🙄.
Then he has been manipulative with me and unreasonable with me and kids. Took them ages to go to sleep because he upset them by expecting too much. I had to go and settle them and hug and comfort them for three hours!! This has upset me as well. Today i feel like he has got his control over me back , he made some horrible comments to me and now i feel crap. He also told kids no one was moving anywhere which is a lie because either he will have to move or we both move and the kids come with me. Feeling cross with myself, unsettled and upset. And that i let the kids down. 😕☹️

@RoseMartha you know what he's doing to you, classic narcissist, the poor dc don't need this confusion.
Can you go out & do something with dc today?

@mammynowanauntyIRL yes I know and I am cross with myself for falling in his trap again. Now having to haul myself back out!

We went out for a few hours. When we got back he was in a foul mood. Kids wanted some attention from him but he was not interested as like usual he was attached to his phone like it is an extra arm so they annoyed him until he stomped off like a child but with the mouth of a navvy!

I ended up cooking a roast dinner whilst playing board games with them.

Then he kicked off during dinner and then this morning.

He us refusing to help around the house because he is paying the bills and he told us he can pull the plug anytime he wants and that we need him to pay the bills.

He did not acknowledge that I pay for grocery shopping and run the car and pay for all the kids clothes and shoes, holidays, days out and clubs etc. I did not remind him of this because I am not engaging in his behaviour unless unavoidable.

Oh @RoseMartha, that sounds so difficult . You are so right to avoid engaging with him, it wouldn't achieve anything because he thinks the world revolves around him, but it must be so hard to have to bite your tongue when he is being so difficult. He's convincing himself that you can't do without him, but that's not true at all, you'll be so much better off when he isn't there. Hugs 🤗

Rose it's so difficult to try have fun and have nice family time with dc with that atmosphere in the house.

What would happen if you stopped doing stuff around the house and filling the fridge etc?

I agree with your reasons for not engaging though, it will all be sorted out eventually when your divorce comes through and you finally get to live in separate houses.

Yes, I think you are right, the less engagement the better. It will keep your head clear too. He sounds very erratic.

So sorry to hear about your dog mammy. Glad your visit to solicitor went well. It makes sense to have these basic things written to them in black and white.

My hero is gone away for a few days and I am really enjoying feeling more relaxed at home. The only thing is that when he is not around, I can let my guard down a bit and feel sad about what has happened and what is to come. I guess when we move on from this weird situation there will be a grieving process that I dont think about sometimes as I need to stay strong for now.

We are back in mediation and have to give details of expenses, debt, assets etc, so trying to focus on practical things such as extracting commitments from him to support dc in education and activities. So looking to the future as well

@Demented101
Sounds like a tough time but it's important for the future, at least he's engaging in mediation, it's costing me to get same stuff sorted via solicitors letters

There will be sad times ahead but the sun is going to shine on us all again too

@mammynowanauntyIRL @Demented101 @Tiddleypops ty. He is erratic.

Hugs demented hope you can work through the meditation without too many issues.

Thanks ladies,
He's back soon, so will have my armour back on again 😁
Im hoping he does keep engaging with the mediation. We have only had one session so far. I worry that the situation suits him and that he doesnt want to have to do boring grown up things like run a household and think of other peoples needs. He is a total escapist really. Its one step at a time I guess and keep an eye out for sunshine 😎
Hugs to everyone

Hi ladies,
Have just come back to mumsnet to get some advice and stumbled across this thread. It's a little comforting to see that I am not the only one having to deal with this kind of twattery. It's also really interesting to read the theory about the behaviour being "hidden" .
I told him i wanted a separation 2 years ago, he tried to control me with not moving out so in the end I found somewhere to rent with my 2 girls (4 and 6 at the time) to take this control away and get us all away from his negative narcissistic behaviour. I was being suffocated and I was left with no choice, it was hard but 18 months on I have an amazing new dp who loves and adores the girls. With the 2 year separation up I have now filed for divorce, cue him telling me if I want it I pay for it..bearing in mind I forked out thousands to get a separation agreement drawn up, he went back on his word so many times, dragged his heels as much as possible.
He now tries to control the situation by changing arrangements with the girls, saying nasty things to the girls and generally playing petty nasty games. I spend too much time having to sweep up after him. My girls are my world and I will do anything in my power to give them all the love and support they need whilst this "doting dad" does his best to screw it all up..grrrr.
Sorry for the rant, it all gets on top sometimes.
Stay Strong and dig deep xx

Hi Holly. You have done well with getting out your situation. I hope the divorce proceeds swiftly for you. Welcome to our group 🤗

Having a pants week. H has been intimidating, bullying, verbally abusive, threatening, mocking, belittling me, language and attitude has been awful, morose. He has been stonewalling and gaslighting. And talking to the room at large as if i am not there. 🙄
Kids said to me the other day mum i think we need to find somewhere else to live.