Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

@Tiddleypops I wonder if she could repair her life after she got the help she needed. I think he knows I can't take him back. He works in hospitality sakes, and the lifestyle of partying certainly hasn't helped. He's signed off from work now and says he won't ever go back even if he's better. He's staying with his sister so the children are completely sheltered from it all. He just keeps saying he's tired of waking up everyday and fighting to be someone he's not. It's very distressing x

@Dotty85, this lady was around 50 I would guess and had stopped drinking in her early 30s, so she had rebuilt her life I don't know whether she had reconnected with her family.

Yes, it sounds very difficult but good that you have some space from things for you and the DC. Wishing you lots of strength. You are doing the right thing, he can only get himself better for himself and not based on anything you do. You can look after yourself first, and still have compassion for him x

Hi all. So pleased to tell you all I am out! House is sold, I'm in my new place and so is ExH. After all I've been through to get here I still haven't quite come to terms with it all TBH. That will take time. So far kids have been with me. Once ExH is settled he will then have them 50/50. That will take some getting used to I know.

Can't tell you the releif though ladies. Please all stay strong... you will get there and it will be worth it when you do. Nobody deserves to go through this kind of Twatishness but thank God we live in a society where we are able to be independent!!! No doubt I will pop back on here from time to time. This the read has been a huge support.

@iamthrough well done you! You sound elated! My big problem is, despite all the shit, I still want to be with him. When does that disappear? Xx

Fantastic, congratulations @iamthrough!
Thank you for coming back to update us too, gives us all hope. Good luck in your new home x

Well done iamthrough!. Please be sure to post here often to keep us inspired. It will help us see light at the end of the tunnel.

Dotty, things sound very difficult for you, I think you have gotten good advice here regarding support groups for families of addicts. I have detatched emotionally to a certain extent and have found things easier since I was able to do that but its still an ongoing process.
Hope everyone is well and keeping strong xxx

@iamthrough that's fantastic news
Delighted for you

I've made some breakthroughs however small. I've spent about 5 weeks pussyfooting around when H had dc at weekends, not making plans until he'd committed to having dc or not, not wanting him to be able to say that he wanted to see dc and I didn't let him so last weekend we winged it and while it worked, it's not a pattern I want to encourage (was ds's birthday) and mentioned that we would be away this coming weekend, he never acknowledged that, so today I text and said that we wouldn't be travelling until Sat morn (didn't leave it open for discussion) but that if he wanted them to spend Fri night at his they could, also suggested he take them to activity that eve and he jumped at the chance. This means instead of him not seeing them from today until Mon there'll only be Sunday that he won't see them. It also means I get to go running with my friend Friday night and do grocery shop etc ahead of us going away.

However he hasn't responded at all to solicitors letter so I'm not sure what to do there.

@iamthrough congratulations. I hope you feel more settled soon
@mammynowanauntyIRL Tiny steps are better than standing still

Not much news here. His behaviour still dire and it is so tense and uncomfortable at home

rosemartha you’re right
Pity things are moving so slowly for you
Work hard in silence & let success be your noise Thought this was good

Thanks mammy that is great 🤗

How is everyone?🤗

Things have moved forward a bit now hoping the nisi will be through before Christmas. Also had a set back which has put various agreements on hold for a few weeks. But trying to be upbeat about it which is hard when he is being unreasonable, unbearable and abusive.

@RoseMartha you are so strong. The endless waiting and having to put up with his abuse I'm so glad the nisi might be through soon. Keep focused on the future x

I'm so sick of the waiting and lack of engagement from my H. He just won't discuss anything with me at all. He is the king of procrastination.
He has an appointment with a solicitor apparently so I'm hoping we will make some progress then. So far, I've been giving him plenty of opportunity to work with me on this, but the time is coming where I just have to get the divorce ball rolling. So far all he's had is a letter from my solicitor requesting he move elsewhere before we start proceedings.

@Tiddleypops It is really hard and you are being patient with him. I would give him a deadline and then if no response start the ball rolling whatever.

Ty for your support.

How's everyone doing? Any progress?

I'm living in a very surreal world. H's deadline is nearly up for him to move out, but he clearly has no intentions of going anywhere. He saw a solicitor earlier in the week, which I thought might prompt some action (even if it's to tell me he won't move out till we've agreed finances or something).... Nope, he sent me his fucking Christmas list I am starting to think he has some sort of delusional disorder or something?!
There's some other weird stuff going off. Time to stop tiptoeing around waiting for him to engage. Back to solicitor ASAP to start divorce.

I'm dreading Christmas The day is fine, it's just one day, but it's the thought of days of being trapped in the house with him.

@Tiddleypops I am dreading Christmas too🤗
I am sorry that he has not moved out . It is so hard when they stay. I hope things move forward soon 🤗

I have been having more set backs on the financial front and been trying to see what help I can get etc. There was good news but also bad news. Still couple of calls to make before i contact solicitor again.
Atmosphere at home is horrendous. He has just cottoned on after 9months that if he is in the house on a school day and i am not working i stay out to avoid him. This made him angry. 😕
So it was another abusive week directed at me. 😕 plus me and kids got that heavy cold thing. They are better, i feel pants, not helped by having to function on four nights with max 3.5 hours sleep a night as kids kept me up as not feeling well and then as mums do, have to carry on as normal even though they could do with a nap.

Hi everyone,
Christmas is looming isnt it?! It feels like just one more thing to get through. I'll be glad to see the back of 2018.

We are in mediation at the moment and making a bit of progress. I didnt know what to expect from him to be honest. He is very avoidant as a personality but when he is sitting around the table with the mediator, there is no escape! Not that everything has gone the way I think it should, but any progress is a step towards me knowing where I stand and being able to picture the future without him.

Tiddleypops - My mind is boggled that the only thing he brought back from his visit to the solicitor was his Christmas list! What on earth goes through their heads?

Rosemartha - Hope you feel better soon. Keep your strenght up x

Oh @Rose, it's so difficult isn't it? I am sorry to hear there's been some set backs on the financial side, hopefully you'll be entitled to some help. Urgh and all these coughs and colds going around - this doesn't help when you are already so run down. You are doing so well though, even though it may feel like a constant battle, you are getting through it

@Demented it sounds like you are slowly making some progress I too will be glad to see the back of 2018, it's been a long one that's for sure

I have booked a holiday for next year, something to look forward to for me and DS Next thing on the to do list - contact solicitor and get this divorce show on the road - GULP!

@Tiddleypops a holiday sounds a great idea something you can all look forward too 🤗🤗

@Demented101 Glad a step in right direction 🤗

Tiddley his Christmas list WTAF?

We've our Christmas plans made, basically he's not taking any time off while dc are on their two weeks holidays. He'll spend Christmas morn up to & including Christmas dinner & then he & dc will go to his or wherever for the evening & night and they'll be back to me the following afternoon for the rest of their holidays. I'm back to work on jan 2nd so they'll have 3 days with fun teenage babysitter so they'll have a nice holiday.
I've already had an invitation to spend Christmas night at my friends so I'll probably take her up on that. Maybe watch a movie in the evening after dc go away & then go to visit her.

Martha how horrible that he's being so nasty towards you. How did it take him 9 months to cotton on
We've had a couple of weeks of illness here too dd with vomiting bug last week ds with virus this week & me with headcold, hopefully that's it out of the way now for Christmas.

I'm also thinking of a holiday next midterm. Have any of you been to Drayton manor & Thomasland?

How is everyone? 🤗🤗

Things tough here. Hoping to see solicitor soon.

Doing ok once I don't think about all that has yet to be done Rose
He agreed to weekend nights at end of last month and all seemed well then I had a dinner party at my house(family home) and all of a sudden all the agreed nights changed. I'd plans made that couldn't be changed without letting people down and losing out so I've had to get babysitter organised. But that aside dd was upset by me going out last Sat night. She said 'I was looking forward to a night in with you' so I replied with 'so was I pet but Daddy had to change nights and I'd tickets bought but I'm going to drive instead and I'll be able to put up tree and have a day out with you tomorrow instead'
I don't want her to look back on this time and think Daddy stayed home with us when it was his night and all dm did was go out. Because that's not what I'm about at all.

Going to ask for him to plan Jan/Feb overnights over Christmas and to let me know. Obviously I understand occasionally things change but 2 weekends out of 3?

I've shelved doing anything about the house until after Christmas and will focus my energies on having a nice holiday with the dc instead.

Last week's money still not in account yet so hoping this isn't the start of messing about with money.

I did Santa on a reduced budget and am happy with what dc will receive.

Is your h still being horrible to you and dc rose?

@Happierwithouthim sounds difficult for you and dd. I hope h does not keep messing you all about. I agree it is one step at a time and sometimes you feel like it is backwards not forwards.

Yes been very verbally and emotionally abusive particularly to me in kids earshot, wants us out the house and told us so. If we leave my family could take us in on very short term basis ie couple of weeks. I spoke to a support charity who said we could go to a refuge or a nearby council might house us but the local council would not want to if we were fleeing abuse. I spoke to solicitor who was more helpful but her suggestions were expensive and over my budget. 😕

Oh @RoseMartha, it sounds unbearable I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really hope you make some progress soon. Is anything progressing with the divorce?

I'm wading through treacle. Divorce application is ready, but right at the last minute, my solicitor got an email from his. Some of it is proper bonkers stuff, eg can we try marriage counselling, and he doesn't like that I'm sleeping in DS room
I've agreed to go to mediation, and suggested that he sleep in the attic and gives me back the master bedroom. He's said he can't afford to move out which is bullshit.

It's all made me so angry, the audacity of these men is unbelievable. They are all such entitled arseholes!

She's a people pleaser rose so she wants everyone to be happy. I can see how it's affecting her now, she complains of pains in various body parts for extra attention. Last night, she thought she'd twisted her ankle, but when I asked to see it she couldn't remember which one exactly

Would your h follow you to abuse you or if ye were out of the house do you think it would be over/reduced? Abuse here was verbal, emotional, unintentionally financial and coercive for a finish. It has drastically reduced since I moved out.

Would you going to family even in the short term show him the reality of the situation? Or is it giving him what he wants, it sounds awful for you all.
Mine's chances of coercive control now are limited to access for children & money. We both get paid weekly, still waiting on him to transfer money from last Fri, mortgage goes out early in the month so I'm not concerned atm. But it is another way of keeping me on my toes.

Last night I had the children and it was a horrible night so I knocked on his door and asked him to take them for 10 mins to enable me and the au pair to do something, he might think I depended on him but for me I just used the fact that he was convenient to my advantage and to save the children hassle.

They were happy to see him and that's my priority always.

@tiddleypops what is the aim of the mediation you've agreed to? To sort out terms of divorce or does he think it's with a view to getting back together? I only ask because my h didn't comply with mediation at all and it set me back months in the separation.

Is the attic converted? I was lucky I guess that h moved to spare room prior to separation as a way of punishing me I guess or showing me that he was displeased with me, so it worked in my favour he just never came back to main bedroom.

Hi Ladies,

Thought I’d jump on this thread and say Hello and this has made me realise that I’m not the only person in the world going through this!

Together 11 years, married 1 year, no children (although he was discussing us trying even up until the day he left!), owned a house together and a gorgeous doggy. I’m 28 and he’s nearly 30.

In July my STBX got in to bed with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore… we had just returned from a fantastic holiday together where he basically spent the entire time saying how much he adored me, how much he wanted a family with me and discussing our future.. the day he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore he had text me that morning saying how much he loved me etc etc… rewind a few months and we had gone through a bit of a rough patch … he become very selfish and we spent very little time together as he was always working or involved in hobbies … we ended up having a huge argument in May where he called me some awful names infront of our friends and I asked him to move out for a bit to give us space… every day he called and text crying and wanting to come home .. we met, we spoke and he agreed he needed to balance out his work, hobbies and relationship and things were better … we then went on the holiday above and I fell completely and utterly back in pure love with the man he once was as I thought he was back so for him then to turn around a few days after we got back and tell me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, doesn’t think he has for sometime and had been “fighting this in his head” for some time. This was the first time he ever told me he was unhappy… how can a husband leave his wife without even having a conversation about being unhappy!? This was 6 months ago… he moved out a few days after the above happened and I’ve since sorted everything out to buy him out of the property we shared and the divorce is with the court.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for people to say, I know I’m fortunate that I’m lucky to be what people would say as young enough to start again and lucky that I’ve been able to keep my home but I don’t feel very lucky. I gave this man everything and really couldn’t have been a better wife and he says he is doing this for me and “doing me a favour” because I’m “amazing” and i deserve the best …. yawn. I really did think this was going to be the father of my children and throughout the 11 years he has never even given me any reason to doubt him or our relationship and has been my best friend.

I try to limit contact and only communicate as and when we need to around the house of divorce. He has never asked for me back but makes comments such as “if I’ve made the wrong decision I won’t be able to cope” and “maybe one day we will find a way back to each other” and “you will always be the love of my life”… hence why I’ve limited contact because it’s impossible to heal whilst hearing all that. Part of me worries about him a lot still, he’s never been hugely outgoing and is now going out all the time and I worry he’s burying his head in the sand .. he’s seeing someone new I’ve asked time and time if this girl was in the mix before and everyone has assured me no and he confirms over that he never cheated on me.. he met her 7 weeks after he left (my best friend was at the party he met her at so I do believe this to be true)

I’m a pretty strong person and have an amazing support network but I guess I’m scared!

So glad I found this thread and sorry for the long post! Xx