Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Hi @Holyrose79 well done for getting your own roof. I have to say I'm a bit dis-hearted that you're still dealing with the "Twatish-ness" I am hoping that once I get my own place the behaviour will stop and I can move on in freedom.
Good Luck with your divorce... it sounds like it's just triggered a re-surfacing of the narcissist. Hopefully it is just temporary for you.

@RoseMartha that just sounds so utterly exhausting Sending hugs and strength. The positive is that DC can see right through him. Hang on to that. You are showing them such strength.

@Hollyrose79, welcome to the thread. Sounds like your H has a lot on common with the others on this thread. At least we are not alone. I hope things progress quickly.

I'm having a tough weekend. H has received solicitor's letter. The atmosphere is unbearable.

Sending 🤗@Tiddleypops hope next week is better. It is not good or easy when they are like that after they hear from your solicitor. It feels like they are trying to punish you. Stay strong, one step at a time even if it is baby steps

Hope everyone got through the weekend ok. Last solicitors letter I sent was almost two weeks ago-seeking a reply within 7 days, nothing. Come to think of it he didn't reply to the august one either except to physically assault me. Think there'll have to be another one sent.

Right, I've done it. Told him we're divorcing. Having been clean for a year (he says), he's a full blown cokehead again. I still love him which is why I need help to make sure I don't let him manipulate me into taking him back. Help!

Well done Dotty85 - have you got dc together?

Yes, three. Our daughter, 8, and two sons, 4, and just 3 months 😞

Well done on making the stand.

Are ye mortgaged/renting together or is there an option to live separately.

Mortgage together but I took a bag to his mums for him to stay there. But now he's sat opposite me crying so much he's unable to breathe. I've called an ambulance as I don't know what to do. He has pills and gin but says he hasn't taken any. I know this is probably more controlling behaviour, but it's so awful to see this.

Is his mum aware of his drug problem?

You are very calm, keep you and your children safe as your priority, you can love him without loving the person he has become due to his addiction.

Oh @Dotty85, sending hugs.

Has he gone in the ambulance? Calling them was the right thing to do. I am in the process of separating from an alcoholic, it's so tough feeling like you need to do the right thing and addicts are incredibly manipulative.
It's ok to look after yourself and put your needs first. He is heading towards the edge of a cliff and currently taking you all with him. You can't stop him, but you can allow yourself to not go with him..... I know from my own experience that following through with that and leaving them to decide whether they keep going or turn around is so so difficult

Do you have a coda meeting near you? www.coda-uk.org
I am currently going to Al-anon support for friends and family of alcoholics and it is truly liberating to be with people who understand and have been in your shoes x

Thank you for the link. I've never heard of them, but as he's alcohol dependent too, I'll definitely check it out. The cliff edge analogy is a good one. I know part of me hopes that in six months he'll have turned it around and all will be ok, but it'll only be so long before it happens again x

Al-anon might be worth a go too if he drinks, I think there are probably more Al-anon meetings available. As soon as I went to one, I knew I was among people who just understood. I cried and they didn't need to ask why x

What was the last straw for you @Tiddleypops ?

I think I knew deep down for years, but eventually it was an argument that kicked off between H and his teenage DD (from a previous relationship).
I realised I could not protect his DC from him and that staying together is not what is best for them at all.

It must've been such a hard decision. He just appeared at the house just to look at the children sleeping. He is booking into a residential rehab tomorrow. He does suffer severe depression and anxiety, which is why he self medicates, but it all feels like just the latest attempt at self-help which will ultimately result in the start of another cycle. X

Dotty for you 🤗

Dotty & Tiddleypops
Well done for your strenght and clear vision. Its a hard journey I think, the process of detatching from someone while still caring about them and accepting that they have their own journey and choices to make. (Even the choice of being an asshole😂)
For sure, get your own oxygen mask on and try not to get dragged down xx

My H doesn’t want to be with me (says he only stays for the DC) but doesn’t seem to want to divorce either. If I push ahead with the divorce, he says he will never see the DC again. I can’t bear it for them as they do love him.

He also wants me to give him a lot of money and has threatened violence if I don’t give in to his demands.

Really don’t know what to do. Hate being stuck in this unhappy limbo state.

@IKnewTheStorm this is very difficult for you to be in. It sounds as though he is threatening and manipulating you to get his own way. Only you can make the decision to end the relationship. It is a tough one to make and i agonised over it for a long time and feel your anguish. I encourage you to go and get some legal advice. Being in an abusive relationship is not good for you or the children. And as i am finding not easy to get out of but in the long run i know it is the only thing to do. Come and vent anytime.

@Tiddleypops 🤗

Thank you, Rose. I am frightened that he will follow through on his threats to hurt me and burn my house down. But even worse, I worry how my DC will think he no longer loves them if he refuses to see them. They will be devastated.

Also, I’ve had legal advice and that’s all fine. But that can’t protect me physically or force him to see the DC.

@IKnewTheStorm, wow he sounds like an aggressive, manipulative bully. This it abuse. I agree with Rose, being out of this is for the best for your children. Does he text you with these threats because I would show them to your solicitor if so. It's illegal. If you are frightened in your own home you can get an injunction

@IKnewTheStorm i am glad you gave been to a solicitor for advice. That is a positive and good step.
i know that feeling as well, being scared about him carrying out his threats. I am scared about my h carrying out his threats too, he made several at the start when I said it was over and has made more since, including as recently as last week. (Also made some before I said it was over).
Have you been in contact with women's aid or victim support?

Yes Women's Aid will help you. I've read on here that it's best to ring your local office as the national number is difficult to get through on. I called my local women's aid office a while ago and got through straight away to someone who was very helpful and understanding.

@Dotty85 that cycle sounds familiar. My H gave up drinking for a few weeks when I told him our marriage was over. I knew it wouldn't last. I spoke to a recovering alcoholic a few weeks ago. She told me that she only dealt with her problems when she was completely alone, before that she always had someone to 'rescue' her and it didn't work.