Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

I have a friend who started the process just after I did. She decided to do it herself with minimal solicitor input, and 3/4 years on still isn’t divorced and hasn’t made any progress with regard to marital assets.

I think you are right, you need to bite the bullet.

You have your own home and with that a very solid boundary that your XH can’t cross. That stacks up against the 50/50 split. But don’t listen to your XH again because he doesn’t have your interests at heart only his own. He’s in it for himself, and now you have to be I’m afraid.

@hamilton12 can I suggest you do a proposal and then send it to him

Eg how much to split for house , car , savings

How much maintenance And spousal support day till child reaches 18

How much pension you need m

Car ??

School fees if required plus an amount for holiday for you and your child per month ( this was recommended to me and it’s been the best advice as don’t you and your dc deserve a break too )

My BIL used a solicitor at £700 an hour from London got everything done and dusted in 3 months 😮 for his divorce but he did have a pre nup

Good luck -keep us posted

Struggling this afternoon, felt fine this morning and then it just washes over me and I feel so lost and empty.
Meeting DH tomorrow but think we are at the end of the road, have discovered a load more lies. I honestly don't think he knows what he is doing half the time as his behaviour is so irrational and out of touch with reality.

VivaVegas. Stay strong. These men are just so weird arn’t they .....
I simply can’t understand the behaviour. It leaves us all flummoxed.

Just don’t expect too much of yourself. And most of all be kind and look after yourself.

Great advice here. I'm very up and down. I want to see if we can do all legals with a mediator. I will see a solicitor first to work out what rights I have and then see if we can work it through a mediator. He has verbally agreed to keeping house until kids are out of FT ed. I want to get this nailed down in legals ASAP. I may sell before but just for the security. We have no savings and he (we) are in debt he spends like there is no tomorrow. I can't believe we bought this house recently and have gorgeous kids and he is prepared to put so much effort into walking away and not fixing it. I guess having a younger woman all over you helps - she doesnt know he isn't a meal ticket yet... Ladies we will get through this onto better things. If anyone lives in North London/central and fancies meeting up let me know or chatting on WhatsApp. I don't know many women going through this unfortunately. Its all new!

That's what I've never understood is what they think it's easier to walk away from a decent,good life than put in a bit of effort to work through the challenges.
Although H did say on Sunday that he has a lot to lose so maybe he does finally recognise that.

wakeupandsmelltheroses
Hi
That list is really helpful. Thanks.

We have already split house. Each have car. No private school.

But since he wants to keep his huge pension and pay us minimal amount of maintenance we have a lot to sort.
I have already done a list of outgoings so am going to add your items (💕the holiday budget plan) and work out the revised total.
I’m going to give to solicitor and for first approach get her to send letter.

Ideally when he knows I am serious about a fair result and not going to be told what to do by him we could then possibly discuss the numbers ourselves.
But in all reality once legals involved i guess that’s the way it will be.

God that’s going to be stressful waiting for him to go ballistic on receipt of letter 😱

Thanks ladies

Pension split is really Important. I can’t emphasise this enough.

Don’t forget to add life insurance if you don’t already have it. Even more important if you have dependents. Wills need to be changed (I think November is still Will Aid month?) I know it’s not what we want to think about. 😔

Ivebeenbetter - I know how you feel. Mine only left Tuesday and I should be feeling great that it's finally happened but I too am sad. I think I'm sad that the marriage failed but not him going. I am gradually chucking out a lot of his rubbish, he was a hoarder. Now that's a good feeling! My ex would find any excuse to go to the pub and often come home drunk, with a bottle or two to share. So, we went from casual drinkers to drinking practically every day. I didn't drink as much as him but in order to not be a killjoy (his words) I ended up drinking far more than I should, especially when DS was at his Nan's. I am now starting to sleep better and wake up refreshed and that's only after a couple of days!!

My stbx is 50 next year. He has been cheating on me for the past year with a 23 year old work colleague. He has booked flights for them both to go to London for a long weekend. I have much more evidence, yet he still denies the affair. I’m divorcing him, though when I agreed to separate in the middle of September I didn’t know about the affair. He told me at the end of June he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married anymore. I pleaded and cried and begged for him, I offered to go to relate and he stopped talking to me for 3 months. I called it a day and started the divorce proceedings. He’s also contesting custody which I will win. He’s a complete arse and his girlfriend is merely a child to boost his ego. He’s balding, has a paunch and smells of poo because he likes to sit on the toilet for hours. Bet he doesn’t do that with her.
I’m jealous that he has someone else to adore him so quickly, he’s out tonight with her. We still live together until we sell the house. I’ve had to have a few days away as my head is battered with it all. I hate he’s thrown away a 10 year marriage and a loving family. He’s a twat, but I’m suffering because I feel so worthless. Please tell me it gets better. His mother said it’s a midlife crisis and totally marginalised it!

It's horrible isn't it, I think my H is having an affair with a colleague, possibly emotional at this stage but I think he's hedging at the moment. I will never see them happy together and will make sure everyone knows what has been going on.
I know how you feel about feeling worthless, I feel old, tired and put out to grass. He told me 6 months ago he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married anymore and had been unhappy for ages but never mentioned it.
It's definitely a mid life crisis for him, sadly I and our DC are collateral damage in his quest for happiness at nearly 50, I hope he regrets what he is doing.
Still love him as we have yet to split and so want it to work out but in his eyes I think we are pretty much done and I believe there is 'her' lurking in the background.

Abitsad - a midlife crisis! Well, maybe. It's not going to last with this 'girl' he is seeing and then he'll come crawling back to you. But, would you take him back? The way you describe him, you're better off without him. If you want to, you could find someone else too or try casual dating to take your mind off him and give you a boost. You don't mention if you are younger or older than him. You are not worthless though, it's his loss.

TooOldForThis67*
I'm feeling much more positive about the whole thing. It's just tomorrow morning that's playing on my mind. My bestie is picking me up at 9am and we're away for the weekend.
It's that 'goodbye' that's worrying me.
I know I've made the right decision but it doesn't stop me feeling sad for him.
He has been abusive (mentally)if we argue for our entire relationship. He can't change. We've tried everything. His ego is bigger than both of us and I'm no longer able to massage it in the way he needs.
Onwards and upwards.
Take care.

TooOldForThis67, he needn’t bother come crawling back. Once I get my head on straight I’ll fill his place a few times over. Once I get a bit of confidence I’ll start dating. I’m only 43, but I’ll never marry again, nor put my financial security in someone else’s hands that’s for sure. He told me life was too short, and that our marriage wasn’t fun anymore. Our son who’s 7 had a diagnosis this year of severe ADHD, my stbx said his behaviour was down to my parenting, the professor in child psychiatry found otherwise. I just need to clear the anger and jealousy as I need to remain calm and in control for the custody battle ahead. Whilst I would never wish this even on my worst enemy, it’s comforting to know other people are going through this shit and doing the best they can too. Xxxx

Joe do you start dating at this age though (not that I'm remotely interested at the moment!).
I guess it would have to be OLD but I have no idea how that works, I've been with DH for 20 years ffs, can't imagine putting myself out there at nearly 50.

Viva - I'm doing OLD. There's a thread in Relationships about it which gives great advice and everyone shares their stories, good or bad. There are a lot of 50 somethings out there wanting to date. Get a friend round, open a bottle of wine and have fun looking at a few different sites and profiles. You are never too old for fun and romance!

I did OLD. Met a lovely, lovely man - completely the opposite to XH in every way.

XH and his younger GF didn’t last, he remains single, in his ‘pokey’ flat, the DCs are indifferent to him and he really shouldn’t be wearing skinny jeans.

I take no pleasure in it. (Ok, maybe a little).

I guess I can't imagine being attracted to anyone else as I still love and fancy H which is why it's so bloody sad.
Also it's the whole messaging strangers and meeting up with them, dating used to be meeting in bars and clubs when I last did it, jeez I'm old!

Saw this and wanted to share some surprisingly insightful words from ... Angelina Jolie ( !) ... It’s better to have nobody that someone who is half there or doesn’t want to be there ....

It will get better - as it has to get better. We will make it better.

Do we think the men have strong supporting groups to help them through?? Don’t think so.
Lucky us hey!

I need to remember that Hamilton!
I think because I don't have closure yet I can't move on.
I suppose there will be good days and bad days, determined today will be a better one.
Have made solicitors and estate agent appointments for next week so need to prep for those to understand what I'm looking at financially.
H has more counselling this week to try and sort himself out and is also speaking to his family, something he has refused to do since they told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life/having a mid life crisis.
I think but doing the above (and I probably should have done it months ago but didn't want to) I feel like I have a bit of control.

I think in some ways the years of emotional abuse and gaslighting meant I had emotionally checked out already. I had gone through the pain a few years earlier when I should have ended the marriage, but there were many reasons why I couldn’t (including it all being overwhelming).

Years of cheating, of the worst kind, meant the pain turned numb. There came a point where I felt strong and it was easy to finally day ‘i’m Done here’. (Which was the text I sent to his gf).

It’s a long road. It hurts. I think what really hurt me was that he didn’t fight, although he knew what was at stake. But that told me that he didn’t value what was most precious to me - our life and family - and again, it made it easier. At that stage it was disappointment that made me sad.

It will get better. That’s true.

I would really love to hear from young women who are drawn to significantly older, married men. I don't mean to abuse, I'm genuinely interested. What actually is the appeal? I know there is a sad old tradition of women wanting wealth and status and men wanting young flesh (Melania Trump?) but surely, surely we have moved nfrom that. Or maybe not...

XHs gf was 12 years younger. I cannot fathom his appeal.

The OW I suspect is 9 years younger than H and 10 years younger than me.
I have said to him she's nearly 40 her clock will be tick tock ticking, does he want a baby at 50, he wasn't amused!

Do you think their personalities change or something chemical happens in the brain?
I ask as my H was such a lovely, fun, happy, sociable person and is now so unhappy, hardly laughs or smiles, has no interest in anything and to be honest a bit of a mess emotionally.
I think he has depression as he has had it before but he is denying it.
I just don't understand how someone can change so much in the space of 6 months.