Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Heh. I couldn’t get your name right no matter how I tried 😄

You might feel sad, even grieve a little. It’s ok to mourn the loss of your marriage and what you didn’t have.

I cried solidly for a day. Just one day.

Was fine after that.

Let the day unfold and your emotions come and go. Draw the curtains if you need to, or go and dance on tables. Whatever is right for you.

Because there’s freedom and fresh air ahead. That’s how I felt anyway. X

@Nicknamesalltaken - he's just left. He emptied our caravan and unloaded everything, even the crap, inside, for me to sort! He's had 3 weeks to sort this and he leaves it til the last minute!!! I just burst into tears and then shut myself away in my son's bedroom. I pulled myself together to wish him well. But I feel such heaving resentment, he's never done anything around the house, not even DIY or gardening. He's always been lazy. He said he'll be back in Jan to see his kids from a prev marriage (grown up) and our son.
I guess I'll just pull my sleeves up and get on with it. My life starts now! x

That’s exactly what you’ll do. And you won’t sink.

I know the turmoil, but there’s also peace in that. And space. You’ll be able to hear yourself think.

Admittedly it too a few months of counselling to help me along the way, but I think we are able women who can enjoy our mid-life freedom!

Hello everyone, I’m 58 with children in their 20s who have left home. I left my H a year ago after discovering he’d been having a long term affair and also using escorts.

He wanted me to forgive him but I can’t. I moved out of family home ( too many memories for me to want to stay ) into an apartment. Neither of us have initiated divorce. We haven’t sorted out our finances yet either. I have good days and bad days but mostly I’m glad of being free of him lying to me.

TooOldForThis

Hi Beautifullydamaged. I left a liar too and the freedom and peace of mind that I m not being lied to anymore is so freeing.
Enjoy the good days, they do outnumber the bad eventually .

So glad of this thread. I've got a mate picking my son up from school cos I just can't hold it together. I may be posting a lot on here over the next few days! Your support is very appreciated. x

I’ll be around for some hand holding

Focusing on the DC helps. We’ve no choice but to hold it together.

Like so many posting on here I find myself on my own aat 50 after a 30 year relationship. Kids are at university and lovely but absorbed with their own lives. I have no regrets about the end of the marriage, 5 years of his drinking and infidelity and general implication that all that was wrong in his life was somehow my fault. But I have no sense of where to go from here. I feel as though I am waiting for something to happen and I can't deny a fear about the future. Though I have lots of friends all I see is being alone.

It's so hard isn't it. I hate the blaming that seems to go on, why can't they take responsibility for how they feel/what they want, why is it someone else's fault. My councillor says it is often done to help them justify their actions.
I feel like my DH is a stranger, he is just all over the place, it's horrible to watch and it's destroying me but I can't yet give up on us until I know there is no chance, I think it's reached that point but I have said all along I will never end our marriage or destroy our family as he has caused all of this, he needs to do that.

My DH believed that his feelings were biological in the same way that the menopause is. And so many men that age do seem to undergo something. Panic or fear that life has passed them by and there is something better out there. At the same time as women seem not to be willing to put up with crappy behaviour they might have tolerated when younger. Do you think there can be a biological/physiological basis for the change in behaviour or is it self justifying bollocks?

No idea, my husband is like a different person, never laughs, never smiles, lies, crys and it's all about him. I look at him and he's dead behind the eyes.
I think he has depression but won't admit it or seek help.
It's just a mess, with myself and DC as collateral damage in his path of destruction.

VivaVegas - I’ve been told it’s all my fault that he is so unhappy. He just looks so sad and any smiles seem so forced and I think you are so right that it is as if a midlife crisis of reality hits them. My H is 61 which was very traumatic for him this year. 10 years older than me. Says his life is now in a mess due to me not being better/fairer/and particularly for putting the 3 C first !
I have been so sad that the life I thought I would have as we got older is not going to happen. But the thought of life with him - clearly hating me - is enough to make me glad that we are going to get on with a divorce. He totally wants to blame me for it all and I can’t stop that. But at some point when Its all done and I’m not there to be criticised and blamed I wonder what he will find to blame then.

I believe this is a difficult era for men. They have strong independent women and age quicker and seem less joyous and get less pleasure from life. They don’t have a place and instead of working to save their marriages they seem to want to give up on it to find something else and they then feel righteous by blaming the female.

My first legal appointment is this week. Hugely concerned about the bills to come but have to start it off.

I think you are right about the mid life crisis, my BIL (DH's older brother) has tried to tell my DH that it is what he is going through and that he thinks most men do to some degree and to tell him to not make a huge mistake by giving up on our marriage but he won't listen.
I hate that I have been blamed for his unhappiness but more so that if he was so unhappy why didn't he say so until in his eyes it was too late to be repaired ultimately giving us no chance. As soon as I noticed things were not right with us I raised it, he however claims he's been unhappy for several years but just never said anything which I just don't buy.
I love him and want us to try and sort it but he can't bring himself to, but I also want my DH back the person that was fun to be with, sociable, dependable and had my back and that person has disappeared and been replaced by a shell of a man.
It's so sad.

I posted much earlier in the thread but have not visited for a while and have just been catching up with everyone. I am almost 50 and DH left 24 year marriage (30 year relationship) at the end of August. So many similarities to everyone else’s story and they all think their situation is so specific and unique to justify their behaviour. Very reassuring to know I’m not alone. Good days and bad days here...

It’s really interesting what you are saying about the ‘mid-life crisis’. I’ve previously dismissed it as an excuse for bad behaviour, but since becoming peri-menopausal I’ve had existential crises, anxiety and panic attacks. I am probably over the half way mark and I am terrified.

(My response to this is to be kinder, be grateful and take sleep aids. Not sleep with someone 7 years younger).

I, too, continued to have faith that XH was actually a better person than he thought he was.
Despite his awful behaviour I still thought there was a decent man in there.

He found it just so easy to walk away from his wife (me) and children. (4 of them, 10 and younger). He thought he had it sorted. Chose to live in a bachelor pad (too small for the DCs) and left me for a younger woman - who wasn’t ‘mumsy’ and knackered all the time. He was either being the big man at work or sat on the sofa picking his nose as I did everything home and kids. And I was the cause of the unhappiness apparently?

Knob.

I can relate to that, I have worked full time since having DC and pretty much done everything at home too, DH spent most of his time off sitting on the sofa watching tv. He did a a bit of cooking, a few school runs on his days off and if I'm honest b'all else. If I ever asked him to do anything he would roll his eyes.
I have decorated the house, done all the gardening, done all the family admin, washing, shopping etc etc and been the main breadwinner that enabled him to have the fancy car he wanted, 3 holidays a year and every gadget he ever wanted but apparently it is no longer fun, and I do not give him enough attention.
But (a) he never bothered to tell me that he felt that way and (b) by the time I'd done all the above I was pretty much exhausted on a daily basis and thinking about it (c) what about me? Where was the fun and appreciation for me.
I hate him and love him so much.
In the months this has been going on ( and it took me to ask what was going on, he never raised it) I have never understood why he wouldn't try and work on saving our marriage and making changes to try and work things out instead of walking away thinking that was the easy option.
Heartbreaking is the only word I can use to describe it, as I lie awake again in the middle of the night because of it all.

vivavegas sorry to read your story, heartbreaking is absolutely the word 🙁

Further to my first post a couple of days ago.
He's moving out at the weekend and I'm going to be away. I should be jumping for joy as this is what I've wanted him to do since I decided enough was enough.
The Separation agreement is done and signed. The financial side of things are progressing favourably.
I just don't get why I feel so sad!!
😢

Good grief didn’t know there were so many midlife crisis males around. I am 50 at Christmas, married with 2 kids 19 and 17. My husband dropped the bombshell at Easter that he wanted a divorce. He still loved me (yeah!) but wanted to be alone. In actuality he just wanted to be young free and single even though he is 49. So after 25 years of marriage several stays at his mums and returns with promises of “making it work”, I finally chucked the swine out and said IT IS OVER, as of yesterday. Feeling a bit insecure now. Need words of support and wisdom. Oh and maybe several thousand so he can’t sell my house lol, but I’ll settle for words of wisdom right now.

Hey- it does seem does that many women are being treated badly by selfish and self pitying men. We are worth much more and it is better to be alone than with someone that does not respect and love us - surely??

I spoke to solicitor today who believes I have every right to expect child maintenance of a decent amount due to high earning salary from
Ex and spousal support for a time for me due to limited earning potential (my age and as I gave up career to support him).

However. Hourly rate is £375 + vat!!!! Jobs I could possibly apply to would pay me £12.50 an hour. How insane is this ?

Oh my God. Makes me feel quite sick to spend that each hour I speak to her In order to potentially get what he should want to give to us ...

Thoughts on this? Without the legal intervention he will for sure be very very tight. He clearly want to just pay us off with minimum amount and it’s just not right - the youngest deserves more from his father.

We all deserve more. And it’s not just about money. And the biggest irony. The men don’t even seem to be happy after causing all the chaos and breakups.

£375 + VAT is a LOT! Think mine was £250 ph and she was good. Do you feel this solicitor will do a good job, and did they discuss a way to pay? XH paid the legal fees (he was so naive, rather than split the savings, he opted to pay the legal fees thinking it would be less). I would speak to the solicitor again and ask if they can find a way of XH paying before you take them on. There might be a trade off (against a marital asset). I’d also suggest asking around for another recommendation. If the solicitor is good they may well get it sorted and rubber stamped in no time - and it would be money well spent. So I would say don’t be scared by the £375, but do keep asking questions. If you can make sure you have all the financial paperwork in place, put together a spreadsheet of what you need to live on based on actual expenditure (I went through 6 months of bank statements to start) and forecast (everything, from the utility bills to a hair cut to birthday presents for family). The better prepared you are, the cheaper the process will be.

I had someone look at XHs pension pot and suggest a split. This was about £300 and money well spent.

Hamilton - it’s most often the case that the men walk away leaving the shit storm they created behind them. When they do reappear it’s with self-pity and how they ‘werent Happy’. ‘Poor daddy’.

Do you want to stay in the family home?

Hi nicknamesalltaken and thanks for that.

Family home has been sold and money split 50/50. Which I thought was fair as ex told me so. Apparently It is likely I should have had higher proportion. I have bought small cottage with my half so have no rent or mortgage. Massive relief. He has moved into flat of a friend and pays rent. Don’t know what he has done with his “share”.

I have spoken with about 4 lawyers. Fees seem similar. This fee is for the first meeting then it is £275 + vat per hour or less for work carried out by less senior solicitor.

This one is a woman which was frankly not my preference as ex is a classic alpha-male and would probably respond better to a man. But the lawyer I liked who is male would be £600 an hour and I can’t do that. She sounds very solid and fair and is in 50’s so not young enough that he will dismiss due to age. I liked her over the phone which seems the best way to start. Won’t know for sure until we see how things go.

She tells me that if he chooses not to appoint a solicitor but to act for himself (through being difficult and arrogant) it will cost me much more as she will have to deal with him direct and he can waste her time to increase the hours I pay. Seems massively unfair but no way around it. Just have to hope he picks good lawyer - but not too good!

I am so concerned that I am making a bad situation worse by initiating the legals which will wind him up but I clearly no longer know him and he may be still honourable and fair but he may be out to get rid of us and want to stitch me up financially so I have to protect myself and youngest son.

Nervous about lawyers though. It’s her job and her salary and she is partner in firm. It’s not about me .... 🙄

I think I have no choice though and need to get this started.