Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Just checking in and saying hello.
Wishing you strength nothing is easy but will get easier
His wasting time has not engaged a lawyer .
I have a child going on 10 who has SLD as well as ASD.
Two older children one out of university the other in university.
I am in a well paid profession.im asked how I’m able to have a child with these difficulties as well as hold down a job.
My job is my life to a degree it compounds my happiness especially with the grief of my daughters disability.
A lot is spent on care but I’m blessed to have social care hours as well as family support.
Having a child with lifelong needs will have an impact on any decisions made he doesn’t get it and doesnt care.
I can never ever be me truly again doubt that I will ever have a relationship again.so much unease in the world who do I Trust around a nonverbal beautifully formed child as she grows I pray for health to continue.
I call for the divorce years of blame nastiness and should have done it before the pregnancy.Im 53 years old ,who wants to be lonely at 60.
Being alone and living is better than being with someone with loneliness and hate not living .
What I’m trying to say and I haven’t yet gone into the issue of his refusal for mediation his trying to get me to sell one of the properties that we own which is used for care for our daughter etc as what’s new.
Is you have to be strong if you have healthy children you can be you maybe a more hardened you but you will be you.
There are loads of women who are in my position but couldn’t work they are stuck as in stuck.We at least are making the decision to start living again even if it wasn’t your decision be merciful that you can live again.
I’m militant with my march forward have stopped his abuse he can continue gambling for all I care.oh we still live together no trickier than it’s always been but I see him for what he is a weak pathetic man a bully whose been caught at his game a fuck shit.
To end on a high noteIm off to Canterbury to see my son in university.
My well wishes to everyone.
A quick reminder I am still very attractive do not look like my age have a good stature and always took care of myself regardless of my daughters needs or my unhappy marriage.Always have a smile and a laugh.
I do have my down times but in my own space.
I remain grateful that my parents instilled values that were high education facing up to situations have been some.
You will all live again.

Palaver1 you are an amazing woman and your children are lucky to have you as a role model xxx

Jem45 we all are xxx had a great day out and nothing was able to break that bubble of sheer joy xx

How is everyone doing?
I’m now in a much better place than a year ago
Been through mediation for finances - just need to wait until next summer to start divorce proceedings to make it all legal
I’ll get enough equity out of house sale to buy a house mortgage free and also getting a decent pension transfer amount
My lifestyle will still change but it could be a whole lot worse
I now look back on the last few years of my marriage and realise stuff that I put up with that I don’t have to now - I feel “free”
I’m totally amicable with him because it’s easier to be and I don’t want negative feelings to eat away at me
Hope others are starting to feel more positive
People told me that time is what’s needed - I didn’t believe I would ever get over it but they were right. Still don’t want anyone else. Being cheated on and working in a sexual health clinic has probably put me off blokes for life 😂

Hey. Glad to hear you're doing ok.
I've also moved on. Finances sorted though a little bit tight. Still managing to save a bit for a rainy though.
Still enjoying being on my own.
I'd actually be celebrating my first year had I not broken my leg at the end of September. 🤦‍♀️.
Hope everyone else is managing too. Take care

Jen1519 I’m so happy for you and can’t wait to be on the other side of my financial situation!!! My h refuses to allow me to touch his huge pension or get spousal allowance. Therefore I need enough from the sale of our family home to put down as a deposit- then get as big a mortgage as I can!!! At the moment his offer keeps me stuck in the rental cycle with my debt spiralling. I can’t feel amicable towards someone who is making my life and our children’s lives so hard. We rarely put the heating on and eat the cheapest home made food possible. I pray that the judge on 3rd January will see through his smarmy fake facade and make a recommendation that allows us a quality of life! I can’t believe what the man I adored has chosen to do to me ( and our children) for a year and a half. Life is precious but I can’t wait for 2019 to be over!! 😞

Jem45 - that’s shitty and I really hope for a decent outcome for you
Whatever my ex did he really seems like he’s only wanting the best for the kids and me - that’s why I can be amicable
In your situation I would find that impossible
He can’t stop you from touching his pension but um hoping you don’t have to spend loads on solicitors to get what you’re entitled to
Huge hugs to you and stay strong xxx

Hi can I join the nearly 50 and having to start over club please?
I’m not married but been together 27 yrs and have 2 DC (17,21) both living at home.
Found out he was having an affair a couple of weeks ago whilst on a family holiday ( yes that was fun!). He doesn’t know I know yet and I haven’t told the DC’s. Just trying to get a few things sorted before I tell him I know and it’s over.

Not in a great position as I don’t work and as we are not married I’m only entitled to my share of joint assets. Luckily we have a decent equity in property so I can afford to buy something smaller for me and the kids and have a decent lump sum to live on till I get a job.
he’s going away with OW next weekend so I’m going to tell the DC’s then and I’m going to text him I know.
Dreading it to be honest, I’m hardly sleeping and really don’t know what to tell the DC’s. But on a positive note I can’t wait to start our new life. He can be a total 💩 and has been increasingly horrible to me over the years. He’s never wrong and it’s his way or nothing. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worse once I tell him I know. Any tips on what to tell DC’s or him? Anything you wish you’d done differently in hindsight? Not looking forward to starting again at 50 though!

Hi Coronade. So sorry you’re going through this. The only thing I regret is not telling him what I think of his behaviour!! When I found out I tried with all my might to keep our family together- make him realise what he was about to throw away. I feel I belittled myself and this hugely affected my self worth. Now I still have dreams/ nightmares where I tell him exactly what his choices have done and what I think of the man he’s become!!! I also wish I’d filed for court much sooner as I gave him so many chances to make the fair decision to look after us financially but time and time again he’s shocked and hurt me with his choices. As far as my children are concerned I’ve been honest and open about what’s going on. I’ve tried to hide my pain but they’re not stupid and have seen me weep. I’ve not bad mouthed their father but have not lied about the choices he’s made that now leave us in this financial horror! My kids are older and all have thanked me for being open and allowing them to see the solicitor’s letters. Their father lied to us all and that hurt them too. They need to see that I’m always there for them and am truthful.

Thanks for replying Jem45. I read your posts. It’s horrible when the person you’ve loved and cared for for so many years throws you aside like a worthless rag.
We are better than that and we deserve better ( I keep telling myself this).
I’m not going to bad mouth him to the children but they know what he’s like. I am going to try and be as unemotional and calm as possible as he can be a really spiteful guy and get nasty if confronted. In many ways I’m hoping his relationship with the OW works out as it will keep him happy hopefully and less interested in making my life a misery. I hope this is all sorted out for you very soon and that 2020 is the start of your new happy life. We can do this!!

Not been on for ages, apologies.
I'm now in such a better place, all of a sudden around the beginning of September I started to gradually feel like me again, I got my confidence back and became less bothered about him and the ow. Its been a gradual thing since then and I've started to enjoy life again.
The divorce is progressing and I'm just trying to get all the finances sorted legally, he as usual is doing nothing!
I've nearly come to the end of my counselling and she has helped me so much.
I've just met someone else, very early days but i thought I'd never find another man attractive or that anyone else would want to be with me as H took away my self esteem and self worth with his affair and took pleasure in assassinating my character. Whether it'll go anywhere I have no idea but for now it's put a spring back in my step.
For those new to the thread, 6 months ago I felt my life was over and I would never be happy again and I didn't believe anyone who said it would get better.
Hopefully this gives you a bit of hope.

That’s good to hear vivavegas that there can be light at the end of this dark tunnel. I’ve just found out my DP of 27 yrs is having an affair (with a girl he went out with as a teenager). The thought of starting life again at my age (50 next year) is terrifying. I’m so sad. My confidence is also destroyed (DP can be a total 💩). I’m dreading how he’s going to react when I tell him I know and our relationship is over.

I know I will be happier on my own with DCs but they are getting older and it won’t be long before they leave home. The thought of being on my own for years is also depressing but so is the thought of trying to find someone else. Not sure anyone would want me anyway.

Vivavegas - I’m so pleased to hear that you’re feeling better. Time really is a great healer
Coronade - take strength from people on here that you will get through it. It’s awful to start with but you’ll come through the other side

Coronade I am 50 and yes there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel!

Can I join you ladies please? I'm 49 years of age and recently separated.

My husband and I separated in February this year, we had been together for 30 years and married for 26 years. We have 4 children, 2 of which are adults, 3 still living at home. He moved back in with his parents. It was me that initiated the split due to his unreasonable behaviour. We have not taken any legal advice or actions as of yet.

My husband/ex partner (not sure of correct title when still married but separated?) Earns a decent wage and is still paying the mortgage and bills for our jointly owned home which he says he is happy to do as he lives expense free with his parents and is happy with this arrangement. Also there is not enough equity in the house to each buy a property separately. I buy the food and pay for the children's activities, hobbies, clothes expenses etc.

He has a new partner who lives locally and he often stays over at her house. I also have a new partner who lives a fair distance from me but we see each other once or twice a week, neither my ex partner or myself are in a serious relationship with our new partners, we are both keen to keep things lighthearted for the time being.

My ex partner and I are very amicable and share the weekend childcare. He also pops round to see the children 3 evenings a week which they love.

I suppose I am very fortunate to be in this situation but I just feel so indebted to him. I have always worked only part time, 18 hours per week and just cannot see how I can survive at my age with my low earning potential even if I worked full time.

Also I cannot leave my youngest child at home alone at 10 years of age before and after school and during the holidays as they suffer with anxiety if they are left in the house alone.

I'm wondering if my ex believes that I'll change my mind and have him back and that is why he is being so helpful and amicable at the moment as he made it clear at the time of the split that he wanted to try and repair our marriage.
This might have been an option if I thought the problems were fixable but in reality he has tried before on a few occasions and things didn't get better they got worse and then even escalated to the point where the police and social services got involved.

I'm just so scared about how I'm going to manage financially that I'm considering taking him back as the future in terms of financial stability looks so bleak. I know that I would be doing this for the wrong reasons but I'm terrified of what the future may look like.

I worry about stupid things like how to run a car which is a necessity with my mobility issues, the car is on its last legs now but I can't afford to buy a replacement or even afford to repair it. I also worry about how to pay for white goods if one should stop working! But the even bigger issue of how I will afford to live when the children are no longer at home and he ceases to pay the mortgage etc is what really frightens me.

Have any of you been in similar situations to mine and overcome your fears. I feel so completely clueless and I'm embarrassed to say that I'm completely in the dark when it comes to managing our finances as he took care of all that and still does. I am also aware that we/he is in a lot of debt to the tune of around 40K and I have 4K debt myself!

My life feels like one big tangled up mess that I can't see anyway out of. Should I keep going as is and feel beholden to him so that my security remains all the time he is prepared to keep things as they are? Should I bite the bullet and suggest we get some legal agreement drawn up (and risk being much worse off and definitely less amicable) or should I take him back to keep my children and I financially stable? I feel in a total dilemma.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

I'm 50 next week and the childrens' father has left us all and is living with his whore 2000kms away.

I have 5 children all at home. Youngest 11. I haven't worked outside the home since we were married. He pays child support and all the big bills. I'm finding it very hard to find a job. We live in regional Australia...massive drought ...no one's hiring. I have menial skills and been out of paid work for 20years. Idiot just says get a job like it's easy .

Anyway...here we are. He had an affair with a coworker in 2017 while he worked away in a different country, all year....came back told me, we worked it out for a bit like 3 months, in that time he didn't work at home, said he wanted to locum around Australia and we could visit him. After the 3 months or so I said it can't work, I don't trust you, you won't even live here so how can we work anything out? So that was beginning of 2018.

He hooked straight back up with the bitch and has lived with her thousands of km from here since maybe mid last year.

The kids know everything. Couldn't exactly keep my grief from them.

He doesn't see them. Saw them at Easter and wants maybe 2 weeks at Xmas. I said 'that's out of the question mate. They don't want to go all that way to see you and they don't want to see her.' Nobody has met her and hopefully no relationship will ever be formed with her. The kids never speak about dad or ask when they're seeing him or anything.

Anyway I digress. Yes I'm 50 soon and wonder if I'll ever meet anyone. I'm such a catch...50yr divorcee, 5 kids at home, don't work, stays at home twiddling thumbs .

I really feel like a big joke has been played on me and its gone horribly wrong . He divorced me as soon as he could which was a year after seperation date. Divorced since July 2019.
I never say ex and I never say single mother . Can't bring myself to. Not yet.
I feel like someone's going to jump out from the wings and say 'gotcha, it's all a joke'....it's all happened so fast and I've had very little support.

This is a very supportive thread so feel free to vent. I know I have and it helps just to get it out.
I am 53 on Friday and H has selected that day to introduce OW to my grown up children. I've told him I'm not impressed. He's saying he forgot about my birthday- we've been together 31 years, married 28 of those!
He's known OW as he worked away from home for years and they used to go out together in group as she's been separated from 2nd husband for a while. H says his affair only started after he told me he was done. H was still sleeping in my bed and I was still washing his greasy pants with her hair on them before I plucked up courage to tell DC (who all live at home) that he had a new house he was moving into that weekend- that was in July. He lives local. I'm not sure if he's moving her in with him as she lives with mother and her kids 200 miles away.

I so want to tell kids he has previously had a sexual relationship with work colleague ( they both got sacked) and this current relationship had most probably started before we split. I have carried his affair from years ago with me. Too humiliated to tell anyone. He never said sorry. He put me through hell and then I wasn't allowed to talk to him about it. I'm still traumatised by it I admit. I should've got some counselling.
Do I tell anyone now. It was a long time ago. Why do I still feel so raw about it

Hi all just plucked up the courage to say out loud 'I want a divorce' 22 years of stroppy moody never home due to work husband.
Now very jealous that I have a great relationship with our daughter probably because he was never home and I was.

Yesterday he called me a bitch as I walked out of the room sadly my now 22yr old daughter heard and decided that she would take it up with her father which ended in a huge argument. I left for a few hours to calm everything down. On return said divorce is the only way forward.
Please help any advice as I have been the stupid wife and left him to arrange all finances I have no idea where he has invested saved etc. We have a substantial amount somewhere I just dont know where and he wont tell me. How can I force him to decalre funds?
Can I apply for divorce without a financial settlement? Is it wise to do so?

Thanks

d1gray you are not the stupid wife! Like you my h took over all the decisions and finance so I became deskilled. In the past 18 months I’ve had to be brave and stand on my own two feet to be able to look after my children. It actually feels empowering to make important choices and not look to my h for guidance. If I can take back control so can you. Just do one thing at a time and keep all paperwork. As far as declaring funds you should see a lawyer and can get free advice for your first meeting. Keep us updated on all your successful independent steps xxxxx

Spent from 9am until 4:45 in the family court today!! Has been more traumatic than I even imagined as I had to fight for every penny to be able to have enough money to purchase a house ( with the maximum 25 year mortgage!) for my kids and I. My h proved himself to be a revolting, greedy narcissist whose only interest was to stop me having any future quality of life. He will be wealthy in his retirement whilst I will struggle - but I have the love and respect of my children. I hope he ends his days as a lonely man. I will not allow him to haunt my dreams anymore. He has no power over me now and I will make sure my precious little family all enjoy making the next set of decisions. I can’t wait to be out of rented and in my own home. I’m in disbelief that it’s finally over. It feels surreal. I do have anger that he could have resolved this months ago when my lawyer asked for a meeting which he refused to attend. Anyone who is hesitant to get a lawyer I suggest that if your h is not playing fairly then it’s your only choice. I invested £20000 but was able to get £68000 more than I would have by discussion without a barrister. I’ve chosen to get as much of the cash assets as I could as my earnings are far lower than his and my housing needs greater. I will make 2020 a positive year for myself and my kids. I’m looking to the future xxx

What a strong person you are. You deserve a bit of peace now to recover from all that trauma. I am sure you will make the most of your wonderful family and I wish you all a happy New Year x

Thank you to whoever started this thread.

I have read it with interest as I am in a similar situation, mid 50’s and wondering what the future holds and whether I will be a lonely old man living alone for the rest of my days.

I am the husband who has instigated the separation after nearly 30 years of marriage, over half of which has been really unhappy and toxic.

Financially we are in a good place at the moment, we both earn a good salary, and about the same amount although my wife only works 3 days a week she still earns the same as me. She has never contributed to the household costs, I have paid these exclusively and it has been the source of increasing friction. Splitting the assets in half will leave both of us with a belt to tighten, but I have been spending significantly more than I earn for years, so the shock will be largely hers.

I really want to do the right thing by the children who are both in secondary school and to stay out of court and reach an amicable agreement. I can’t see it happening as her brother is a lawyer and she is suggesting that she’ll just give up work and I will have to support her and the children.

Does anyone have any experience of mediation?

I have been listening to "The Divorce podcast" on spotify. I have found it really useful, there are four half hour sessions and I have listened to them all a couple of times and also sent it to my wife...who has not listened to any of them!

One of the most useful things I took away was that if one of you think that the marriage is over, it doesnt matter who or why or who's fault....accept that it is over and move on to the next stage which is the more important deciding on the future relationship with the children and the finances.

Arguing over who's fault and defending this wastes emotional energy, time and money and doesn't make a jot of difference to what you will be awarded in a financial settlement.

Despite being close to tears for weeks, I have accepted this and am moving on with this. I accept that my wife will try to poison the children against me, I can't stop her from doing it....but hopefully in time they will see the truth.

Browsing through old threads I have been on, just thought I'd check in and see how people are?