Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

So pleased I found this chat to see that there are people in a similar position. Everyone around me seems to be happily married.
My husband left 2 years ago after 20 years of marriage saying that he needed more excitement in his life. We are very slowly going through a divorce and whilst I’m still broken hearted I’ve accepted that he’s not coming back. We’ve still to sort out the finances and I’ll have to move out of the family home but I tell myself that once it’s over I’ll be able to move on more easily.
What I really struggle with though is that the relationship with my children has now changed. They live with me full time but do see their dad. I sense that there’s a lot they don’t tell me about their dad and likewise they don’t tell him things about me. I just feel sad that whereas once they were so open, they are now much more guarded with what they say. I just long for happier family times.

Thanks NickNames will check it out.

@Hamiliton12 believe me when I say it will start out all amicable then when money is involved the ex will not want to part with it and then it turns acrimonious.

Only good legal advise will help and get the best deal possible for your daughter and yourself moving forward.

You may get SM for a set time then you may need to get a job as she is 13 and not 3.

Its all such a mindfield and I wish you well.

You may come to realise this is a blessing in disguise

apologies Hamilton12 I re read your message you do not state you have a daughter just a DC13 sorry

Duthie
God..sounds like my story especially about the kids. The kids do not seem to want to tell me anything and I don't know what they tell him even when I ask and then they bark at me for asking.
So hurt and sad that he has changed all our lives. Left us feeling me miserable ( especially me) and he seems to just get on with it...I am slowly starting to despise him what he has done.
Has been a over month since I last saw him..
I am finding it hard as get lonely and miss him despite what has happened; how can one just stop the feelings especially having been with him for such a long time..27 years is not a joke!
Yet, he just carries on ..life as normal and so cold. Totally disgusted at present and than hours later the emotions take over.
When will I see the other side! I am so tired of crying even tho not as much but still do. I am finding it really impossible to visualize my life without him.

It's horrible isn't it, you feel like your whole life has been turned upside down and everything that you planned/hoped for the future has been taken away, and you have no say.
We're in trial separation stage but I'm not sure if we can come out if it.
I don't sleep properly, have lost nearly 2 stone and suffer from horrible anxiety.
Before all this I was happy, strong and content with life. Now the future is unknown, scary and if I'm honest pretty depressing.

Hi I’m 48, 20 years of marriage with 2 teenage dcs and finally got my act together to divorce abusive husband. I certainly didn’t imagine I’d start my 50s as a single woman! Good wishes to everyone. Xx

Hi all - well. It’s seems that sadly @wakeupandsmelltheroses is looking right. Had lengthy 2.5 hour phone conversation last week. Started well then totally disintegrated. Apparently I need to get a job - any job - he does not care what it is and as I don’t have a car currently and live in a village this is tricky. Besides which not having worked for 15+ years and being over 50 makes it difficult. Our son is 11 and EX suggests son has a key to let himself in at home and then said he has checked out how much “legally” he has to pay and says he is currently being generous.

Does anyone know if I get a job it will go against a spousal maintenance amount.
Ex is very wealthy and has high earnings. Unlike me. My job would be minimum wage and any childcare - after school club etc - as I don’t want to have son home alone for long periods) would be almost same cost as my earning.
EX stated he is very angry and bitter that he is now on his own and resents having to pay for me and young son and eldest children still occasionally need little bit of financial support. Seems want rid of us all!
What has happened to the lovely man I was with from 21 and married to for almost 30 years ?

I’m sorry @Hamilton12.

This is why a good solicitor is worth the money. I think for some XHs there’s something of a ‘knee-jerk reaction’ in that they want run away. But of course, they can’t - so they resent what they see as supporting us. (Of course, so many don’t support their families).

There’s also the element of not valuing the support you have given him over the years. You enabled his career. He may well have a decent pension which can be shared (this works both ways if you have one). If he can buy a new home, you may be entitled to a larger proportion share of the family home. All of this will be recognised by the court. The court will also put the needs of your child first.

It’s a tough road you are on, but it can work out.

Also, benefits (tax credits etc) don’t take into account maintenance. Do get these claims underway as a priority.

Yes I agree Nicknamesalltaken look at entiltedto.com for any benefits you can claim eg

Child tax credit

Child benefit

Working tax credit

Housing benefit

Council tax reduction

I say this as soon the ex will cut your monthly money maintenance as having discussed with whomever how much is the minimum to pay in child support . He will want you to get a job ASAP as previously stated so pays you less . But when it comes to the financials to sort if you can’t afford good legal help he will be laughing just to get you settle for anything quickly as possible so you get shafted and he gets to move on with his life - so get good legal advice for settlement quickly .

Hi everyone. I m seperated from stbxh for 18 months nearly and divorce is slowly progressing. I m actually doing ok and so are the two teen dcs. My issue is that I m about to be made redundant for the second time this year!! We are starting mediation next month and he’s a high earner. I have always worked around the kids and it has had an impact on my earning potential. He was all nice until money came into the equation. He’s been hiding a relationship with a high earning ow as well.
He has very little to do with the kids, sees out son for approx 4 hours a week and has nothing to do with our daughter.

Still a million times happier. Just could do with a hug every now and then.

Hope it's ok to join in here. So sad that there are so many of us in similar situations. :(

I'm 52 with 3 DDs, and have been stuck in divorce hell for 18 months so far. In court next week for the FDA, which I've just discovered will also be an FDR, and my head feels like it's going to explode. There's SO much at stake - my chance to determine my own and my kids future. (I was diagnosed with a progressive condition 2 years ago and am going to be unable to recover financially if the outcome is not good.)

Stbx is sticking to his cry of '50/50, clean break' and has shown absolutely no compassion or sympathy for my health situation. He is adamant that he needs a spare room to accommodate family and friends, but that our 22yo, still-at-home DC does not need housing because they're legally independent. Gah!I

I'm beginning to wonder if my solicitor is aggressive enough. She's put forward a realistic proposal, which is good in a way, but if stbx does not shift his position, and the court orders a compromise, I will probably lose out.

I've been there and come out the other side - you can totally do this ladies.
I did the divorce myself - just the cost of the petition £550
and download the forms - whole thing done and dusted in
just 3 months.
It's more complicated if there are marital assets, pensions etc to sort out.

www.wikivorce.com is a government funded DIY site plus forum to get advice. They have fixed price solicitors too - think it is something like £180 for straightforwards divorce. The place is a mine of info and I found the solicitors on there (just ph the number) really helpful and costfree]

So appreciate the tips and information. Thanks to all.
Does anyone know if it is an advantage. Disadvantage. Or makes no difference to be “he one” that initiates the proceedings.

Had hideous conversation this week but it has cleared the air somewhat and I now know here is no way back.

The one that initiates the divorce is in a better position as far as
getting things moving along instead of the one waiting.
For instance if the ex is dragging their feet in sending signed forms back there are steps that the initiator can take to get things moving along.

I can't remember the technical terms so probably haven't explained that very well.
But if both parties want the divorce done and dusted there's prob not much difference in who initiates it.

Another one here aged 50 2 DCs 9/10. Never ever thought I would be in this position ever. Separating over summer as ex said he wanted to f+++ other women! Lovely. Found he seeing OW who all family knows...He living in hotel going to rent a room but says cannot pay mortgage too. I pay a quarter of it and bills but will have to get more work, lodger. Doent help that I have BC and just had a big op which he was not around for at all. Kids devestated crying all week. Feel so alone and worried about the future but also not nice to have all the tension and rows in the house, but it does seem quiet and flat at home. Need to see a mediator to look at financials. Nice to know Im not the only one - hugs ladies xx

I’m mid 50s and nearly at nisi stage of divorce. Grown up children who live away from home. I’m in rented flat.

It’s encouraging to read some of your stories, I can relate to you Hamilton.

As for dating, I’m beating men off with a stick ahaha, I like them as friends only.

Let’s all stay strong !

Well... and here I was thinking I was the only one! Told DH of 20 years that I wanted out. I’m 54
Our relationship has been volatile from the get go with him resorting to name calling and being horribly abusive when ever his ego takes a knock.
I’ve had, and continue to have a roller coaster of emotions. Since the initial anger wore off I’ve felt guilt, sadness fear and doubt. I would liken it to grief. All these feelings are confusing as it was I who made the call.
What I guess I’m looking for from the group is reassurance that this is quite normal and more importantly that it will get better.
He’s currently still in the house but is leaving this Saturday. I’m worried I won’t be able to cope when he finally walks out of the door.

I am constantly amazed at how many of us seem to have exactly the same story to tell.

#ivebeenbetter - I think you are sounding the same as me and many other ladies on this chat. These men we once adored have made us feel doubt in our judgement and made us question our entire lives. My ex admits to being bitter but I don’t feel that emotion. Many others - but not bitter. I want to hope that this is a hideous stage to get through, but we will. And better now than spend another 10 years in a false relationship and then it will be too late to change it. We all see lots of elderly folk in restaurants and out shopping who clearly hate each other and are trapped together. I don’t want that.

We must stay strong and be positive that this sad situation will make us stronger and more independent. Although immensely sad I am finally realising my ex is no longer the man I fell in love with and I would not choose him as he now is.

We can cope without them. We will be happier later and I love this support for each other.

For me. I am going to present ex with a breakdown of what a very rough estimate of legal fees will be. As our finances are. I’ll ex I am told around £30k each is estimate but may be 3x that. I then want us to be sensible and agree a deal. It had come down to a business transaction for me. He clearly no longer loves me so now I must let on my practical head and look after my youngest child’s future and try not to be taken advantage of. Otherwise it will be a painful and expensive legal battle. Let us hope he is feeling sensible and less pig headed and sorry for himself !!!! Wish me luck 🙄

Hamilton, you’re sounding very strong. In response to your earlier question about who should initiate the divorce I’m not sure it makes a difference but despite my husband being the one to end the marriage I decided to initiate the divorce after 18 months as it was clear he wasn’t going to.
In the divorce petition my solicitor asked for him to cover all my solicitors fees. He would only agree to 50% of the court costs.
Imagine my surprise when the Decree Nisi came though and he was told to pay all the court costs and all my solicitor fees. I never expected it and I don’t know why the judge ruled that way other than perhaps it was clear that he’d made no effort to save his 20 year marriage. I’ve no idea what criteria the court has for deciding who pays but I’m so pleased now that I didn’t wait 2 years and did initiate the divorce.

Hi, another 51 yr old here with a DS age 9. We've been legally separated for 19mths but still living together on and off (separate beds etc) until a couple of weeks ago. He finally leaves the country today! We've kept things fairly amicable for our son's sake but it's been a huge strain and I can only imagine I'll feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm scared about how I'll cope financially and already applied for the usual things. Crap timing just before Xmas!

I'm in no rush to get divorced. Hope to stay in our home until son leaves junior school but then what, I have no idea!
I am looking forward to my future as I'm sure all you ladies are!

I hope your day is one of relief and not sadness @toooldforthat. I imagine you have a tough day ahead.

As someone who is out the other side, the tough days are worth it.

Sorry @toooldfirthis67 I meant!

Thank you @Nicknamesalltaken and lol at 'this and that'!

I feel apprehensive tbh. Will probably give him a hug and wish him well then do a little jig around the kitchen.