Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

You’re so right @madcatlady life is so much calmer.

48 here, separated 4 years, divorced 3.

Through the process, out the other side and life is so much better. Good luck to you all. It is difficult but coming through it is like breathing fresh air.

Ladies, it really does gets easier. It's been utter hell if I'm honest, my eye bags have quadrupled from the tears but although the whole divorce process is stressful, eye wateringly expensive and I'm the least financially stable I've ever been, I'm also the happiest and most relaxed I've been in many, many years, as are my children. You will be better off emotionally in a short time. I still have elements of insomnia although it's improving. On antidepressants, which I'd recommend for 6 months if the tears aren't stopping but I've found my strength and you'll find yours, I promise you.

Glad you are happy too Nicknamesalltaken, it does get so much better.
Mediation I refused, utter waste of time.
I went to see a really expensive solicitor for one hour armed with finances and got him to tell me what the court would be likely to award both of us and armed with that knowledge sat down with him and banged out a settlement much more in my favour with my ex DH.
Solicitor said court would not accept a deal that swang so much in my favour but they did - just rubber stamped it.
The entire divorce cost me around £800 max.
A typical court case over disputed finances is usually around £30,000 minimum so it's really not a good idea to go there.
Solicitors fees for a divorce usually around £15,000 so online divorce armed with facts is a no brainer.
As a warning against fighting through courts my first divorce thirty years ago involved a 5 year fight over my son (I won that one) and finances that cost £150,000, I had legal aid but my ex had to tgo bankrupt, there was no house at the end of it, it had to be sold for fees. Yes I got my son and my divorce but everyvbody lost and I had to start again on the housing ladder, you can't do that again at 50 so sitting down and discussing it sensibly no matter how angry you are is the way to go. You have to think of your future and retirement.
A good solicitor will give you a good idea what you are entitled to.

The revelation for me was..........................dating.

Nothing serious. Dinner, lunches, coffee, movies.

Why? Because people started to compliment me!! It was nice to have validation and TBH distraction.

Don't poo poo it.

You will all come out the other side stronger. Just get back to being your authentic self.

A good solicitor is so very important.

Mediation worked for us but it is expensive (he met the legal fees).

As for making XH love me again, I can’t think of anything less appealing. New DP (met online) is the most lovely man I could ever wish for.

ok so aged 50 met at 21 married /together for 24 years

5 1/2 years into divorce

spent £14,000 so far and still going

Have no inclination to date (too much hurt, lies and betrayal )

The stress has been unbelievable but I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel very soon

Yes. Same here, he left 10 weeks now throwing away the towel after 26 years married (27 yes together) said wants to find happiness ( gut feeling he already had somebody he had been emotionally involved with since last year as I had found out!) I am 50years old and he is 60!!

T*t!

Is it a coincidence they seem to all need to find happiness??

VivaVegas,
Yeah, apparently its out there somewhere...despite being so heart broken devastated, crying etc., I still look better than him! He looked older than 60, drained, dark circles & puffy eyes and when asked how come ... he blames it on the eye medication to reduce the pressure behind his eyes which apparently is not working! Really? What ashamed! So new drops and if that does no work, then laser treatment...the thought of that scares the hell out of him! That's what he said and if not treated, possibility of being blind.
My question is "does she know this and will she be there to look after you?"

Also have you found this Happiness?... Answer was.."well I am Much calmer"...
Funny thing is the stress he was talking about was brought on my himself! As he had confirmed to the kids..." I cannot fault your mum as she did all that was possible but, it me..I am just not happy"

Dear crunchy girl - All welcome !!

The legal thing is worrying me as much as the end of marriage thing.
We have property overseas and joint property here. Although he is well paid in medical profession has decided to have a break and resigned. Now works as a consultant and I have no idea how much he earns. Therefore would probably need lawyer to find out the details.

I hate the thought that should another woman be involved he would probably rather quickly be under her influence (we all know what men are like in new relationship and women are not loyal to their species but to the new man they have) - at that point I would probably become vulnerable financially.

My dc would like this tackled instantly and dealt with. But that would seem idealistic.

Feel I am being an ostrich currently!

Has anyone found anything useful online to find out how to calculate child support and spousal support? I gave up work to support him in his growing career and be child rearer and earning potential for me is low now.

To all - Stay strong ...

I think the best thing to do is go in accordance to what he had been earning previously HAMILTON12... and see how it goes as he has not disclosed how much he earns I think its your only option. When in mediation, then it can be discussed if it is wrong and then he would have to come clean with the earnings from the consultation services.

Use your free half hour appointment with solicitors to find the right one or ask for recommendations.
If it is amicable,and straight forward then do it yourself but for these cases solicitors are not too costly either.
I left on grounds if unreasonable behavior.
This meant I ran on anger and temporary medication for a while.
I was 55 with almost teenage daughter.I have a few savings and with loans and a mortgage managed to buy a small house.I has been a struggle at times and I left quickly with a small transit van of our belongings and had to leave everything else behind.
My absolute can through on Valentines day and me and my dd are now ok.
The solicitors bills can to £4000bue to him messing around si much and child support is another issue.I opened an account with my solicitor and set up a small standing order and living frugally,doing overtime paid in what I could so had no bill to speak of at the end.
Taking the first step and ending it us the hardest then it becomes a bit of a rollercoaster with change,supporting children and then your own emotions crashing in during any quiet time you have.
I was.mistly amazed at work colleagues,adjustments made so dd was less impacted for a while.And people saying how well I looked and happier(I didn't feel it so just have looked shit before),and this improved my self esteem.
So we might be a bit older but once you've found your feet you discover that you can cope,it can be tricky financially but it gets easier.
So good look to all of those starting your journey there is a happier future out there for you.

Something that stuck with me (don’t know how accurate this is) ‘A third of pensioners living in poverty are divorced women.’

This is why it is ESSENTIAL to sort finances out fairly now.

A pension advisor was IIRC around £300 for me. Money very well spent.

Mediation worked for us. Not just for distribution of assets (not that many anyway) but because we agreed that this was the only place we discussed the divorce. Solicitor drew up the court order, it was rubber stamped. Sorted.

He was keen to go, I was keen for him to go. I helped him house-Hunt, did viewings etc. It was the fastest way to get rid.

I had access to all the paperwork so was on it from the start. Prepared a budget of every minute detail, used this as my starting point. Asked for more, settled in the middle (for example, I wanted the option to stay in the family home until youngest was 23, we settled on 21).

Because we had slept in separate rooms for at least two years we could divorce immediately.

Be prepared to stand your ground when told ‘you contributed nothing to this family for 10 years’ if you are/have been a SAHM.

It’s a process, the more clarity you have, the more facts and figures and paperwork you can pull together, the better.

Keeps me feeling hopeful reading everyone’s experience I’m 6 weeks in from him leaving the house. No children at home both 50 hve been together 35 years married 24. He needs to ‘find who he is’ and we have apparently grown apart!!! I just need to get rid of the scary feeling of being on my own and financially being able to cope. I earn very little so Spousal maintenance has been mentioned but he is not having any of that at all. Wish I could fast forward 6 months and the pain has gone away x

His going to get mine when he returns from.a trip later in the month over 23 years marriage one child is an adult another in university unfortunately we have a minor with severe autism nonverbal
I have my profession that keeps me sane we havent been in a room together for over 7 years.
I know its going to be costly cos he will do everything to make me PAY
.Im hoping the lawyer Ive chosen reigns him in. Every penny unecessarily spent would have gone on my youngest childs future. Im over 50 fortunately have lots of good supportive friends and family. I am ready for it and look forward to my new life without him.
Sometimes doing the right thing is not necessarily easy

Hey. What fantastic replies. Madcatladyforever your comments were awesome. Thank you so very much. I am going to get top legal advice as a one off session and then present a case using facts and projections of fees to my ex and see if we can agree together a plan. It will alarm him to find out the potential costs and think that way we should at least try to resolve in a fair and amicable way.

Feeling better now I have a plan ....

Girl power hey !

@Hamiliton12

Your facts ;

1. How are are the children ?

1. Can you work ? Get a mortgage ?

1. Can you split and buy a house outright each ?

4 . Maintenance and Spousal for you and any children

5 . Pension sharing if there is one

1. Any savings to be split .

You need to go ready with questions for your high end solicitor advice . It’s so important. Will your ex h fight back ?

@ Hamilton12

I meant how old are the children -sorry

Checking in.
How does a woman in her mid 50s make friends/date?
There are no Meetup groups that look likely here and I'm too busy to start one.
I've tinkered with looking at profiles on Match .com but fair play the majority look like serial killers

Chin-up - I had great success
On Guardian Soulmates

Hi wakeupandsmelltheroses ..
Thanks so much. Youngest child is 13. I gave up work pretty much to support husband. We can each afford property from sale of family place. I have no income and no career. Need child maintenance and would appreciate spousal support. Even for limited period of time. Have no pension. Husband has at least two.

Appreciate your list and will use that to put together questions that need answers from solicitor.

Have no idea how husband will respond. Tbh depends if he has anyone to egg him on ... either a mate or ... no idea if another woman in the frame. I think men can become bitter and wind each other up so being very cautious.

Grateful for you tips. Thank you.

Hamilton- do you claim child benefit? Also, get your tax credit application in ASAP.