Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

I don’t know.

I know that since becoming peri-menopausal that I can suffer from anxiety and have a more acute sense of my mortality. (I’ve got a symptom tracker app now as it seems to be a cycle). It has caused me to change my behaviour (not in a way that causes pain to anyone else - in fact completely the opposite). I am not desperately clinging on to my youth, but I do have a sadness around my deterioration and especially as my daughters blossom.

So I wonder if there is something of a ‘mid-life crisis’. It’s a term I’ve always dismissed as an excuse for unacceptably bad behaviour.

It’s no excuse however and changes nothing.

My XH was always a self-serving, self-important arsehole however, so it doesn’t apply to him.

My H was lovely, kind, loving, fun (although very selfish looking back as pretty much left me to do everything) and is just a broken shell of a man now. He admits he is lost, feels like he doesn't mean anything which is why I think he is unwell.
But then I wonder if he is like that because of the lies he has told me, is he just a mess because of that or the other way round.

VivaVegas
I’ve heard the same and it is so sad to listen to. But we have to remember that we all have a choice how we behave and how we treat people.

I don’t know about clinical depression and why that would affect these men at this time in their lives.

I tried to be honest and fairly blunt. Pointing out that there is so much to look forward to and so many opportunities ahead. Although that time will start to run out in next decade or so. But I was met with a brick wall and you can’t make someone want to be happy.

Felt like shaking him to see reason and brush himself off and have a completely different approach.
I failed as he is still bitter, resentful, joyless and seems determined to feel sorry for himself so I have given up.

It will be sad for me if he finds someone who does brong that back out in him and they get him back to the great person he used to be. I would have liked that person to be me with him but it’s not going to happen.

So onwards .....

I don’t think they are very good at looking forward, and want their youth. Which is long gone.

I don’t mean to sound sympathetic. You are right, choices are made.

One thing that occurred to me yesterday was that, once the lawyers have been, settlements are made and absolute granted, much of what happens relies on goodwill. Particularly if you have children.

Mainly, I think goodwill on our part. Christmas dinners, birthdays etc. What they do now, not being fair, being tight and awkward sharing information - it is all designed to keep us in our place. Very shortsighted of them.

I have 2 initial solicitor free appointments later this week.
Can anyone help me with what I need to be asking them to make the best use of my time?
We have a house with a joint mortgage (which I have been paying since he moved out for trial separation), I could afford to take this on but we have a lot of equity in the property which if split 50/50 I couldn't afford (not want to) raise enough to buy him out. DC living with me staying with DH about 8-10 nights a month (he works a rolling shift pattern so non standard days).
We both have pensions, I believe mine is worth more than his but trying to get this confirmed.
His choice to split, I absolutely do not want this at all although I don't think that will have any bearing on monetary things.
I haven't told him I'm doing this as he is still not 100% sure but is thinking we can't reconcile so I feel I need to do something.
Any advice appreciated.

Viva Vegas. I have been told by solicitor that I apparently should NOT have agreed to 50/50 split. My ex suggested this !!
With child at home living with me split should have been more in my favour.
It can probably be sorted retrospectively but be careful what you agree to.

Hello, I am following with great interest as I am at my wits end with DH. I am very sorry you are all having to go through this
My story: DH and I are both in our 50s, been married over 20 years and have two grown up DDs, one just finished university, one just started. We're on our own at home for the first time since DD1 was born. I was quite excited about this stage of our life, thinking we'd have more time to enjoy activities together, maybe do up the house, go to gigs/films/walks/explore our local area a bit.

Thing is, like many PPs, my DH seems to have given up on life. All he does in the evenings is sit on the sofa channel-hopping and drinking. He doesn't have any hobbies, doesn't socialise unless it's with my friends and family. Lately I have taken to seeing friends alone because he invariably has too much to drink and he gets loud and stroppy.

Now he has hurt his back, and he has taken to his bed for the last week. This is despite all advice saying that this is the worst thing to do with a bad back. He's not doing any physio, not waking around or trying to be active - he's just chugging back painkillers and alcohol. He only emerges to complain at me how much it hurts (I realise how miserable back pain is, I have had similar in the past, and I am being sympathetic - honest - I am just venting here, but it's his refusal to engage or to help himself that's so infuriating) or go to shops for more alcohol. I refuse to buy that for him.

I've been doing everything at home, walking dogs, visiting my elderly parents, keeping up contact with our DDs, on top of everything else. He's the same when he has a cold. He'll stay in bed for days and leave me to hold the fort. I don't think I have ever stayed in bed longer than a few hours in the daytime when I've been ill or in pain. Sometimes you have no choice but to get on with things.

I've recently started swimming and yoga in my free time, for my own well-being and for my mental health (I have had bad bouts of depression in the past) and I suspect he resents me doing something so 'frivolous'.
It's just occurred to me now: he often gets ill when I start something new outside the house. I can't say anything to him about how I feel or he'll moan about me being so uncaring. Shit. I didn't realise how bad things have got. Writing it down like this makes me think how the fuck did this happen?

Honestly, I am getting so sick of this. What will it be like if he gets really ill? I know marriage is partly about sticking together through bad times and good, but I can't see much good left. I feel so drained being with him at the moment. I have daydreams about starting anew on my own, but have no money, no family nearby to rely on and I am scared of starting again at my age. What happened to the energetic, interesting, loving man I married?

I wish you all well. It's a horrible situation to be in, and I feel angry with myself for getting into this situation. I was always so independent and courageous when I was young. I would love to read some hopeful stories of how everything worked out for the best!

My STBX has just had his first FaceTime chat with our son, since he left. Our son thought it was great, bless. He's had 18mths of his Dad coming and going so is OK with him not being here. He has ASD and has coped brilliantly.
To the ladies mentioning 50/50 split, that's what I'd verbally agreed with my STBX. I do have the upper hand in that I initially put in more than he did, £7K, over 10 yrs ago. Also, I doubt that he will be able to pay much in the way of maintenance, having taken early retirement from a poor paid job and not working now. I have no idea how to go about negotiating over this. Don't want to involve lawyers as they'll only take what extra I might gain!

@mydogisanidiot - I've been divorced twice before (long story) and I can assure you that leaving a bad relationship is always for the best. By far the worst bit is telling someone it's over and getting them to accept that. The rest is pretty awful but never have I ever regretted it. Being free of a dead weight around your shoulders is worth all the grief.

TooOld It's good to hear things** turned out for the better for you. Yep. Dead weight is about right. I need to pluck up courage from somewhere.

It's all gone quiet!
How is everyone doing?
I've used my evenings without DC this week to meet up with friends rather than sitting in on my own which has been nice, they're back tonight so looking forward to that.

Viva Vegas. Still here ;)
Had to cancel my solicitor appointment due to totally different house related issue. That’s all sorted so re booking ASAP.
Very focussed now on getting all this shit sorted!
Need to be strong and start the ball rolling.

Will update all you lovely ladies with what the very expensive hour of advice teaches me.
How’s everyone else?!

Hi
Please excuse me 'butting in' as I am a divorced husband and while waiting for more Brexit excitement was 'trawling and saw this thread.

{I really feel for you ladies, I'm just waiting for my absolute after 2 years divorcing. 57 almost 20 years married, typical menopause divorce.}
At the time my Ex started proceedings (no infidelity or whatever on either part (as far as I am aware). Having moved out I somehow got onto MN and when looking at the Menopause threads recognised at least 9 of the classic 'symptoms' in my Ex. I did actually suggest this as a possibility as after being together 30 years it was unusual behaviour. I got my ears severely chewed off. I feel sort of disappointed as we had got to the point where she could have gone part time or better self employed doing stuff she enjoyed, we were financially pretty secure (Pre Brexit anyway!).
I left with just my car, some tools and clothes and spent a year 'sofa surfing' then with divorce settlement, moved abroad, I don't even speak the language! I was told to go, I didn't just disappear. Not looking for someone new beyond occasional 'window shopping'.
I have occasional realisations that as I live in a remote place, if/when I die I may not be found for weeks. The reason for going on MN originally was to read up on Aspurgers, I seem to have some traits but mildly.
I miss the daft bat!

The curly brackets {} enclose someone else's quote from a previous page.

Mydogisanidiot, you sound like you are putting up with what I had to put up with. My exh would just read the paper and stay in bed, and his “excitement” would be going down the local pub. If we went on holiday he would just stay in the hotel room all day every day. I wanted more.

I think if you can leave then go. But if you can’t then it’s time to have a chat.

Tonight my husband is going out with his girlfriend (our old babysitter) 30ish. Locally no doubt. He is still living here and coming back in the morning to take son to football! Hideous situation. He is moving out next week and we are trying to work out finances 'amicably', Such a hideous situation I never thought I would be in. Sitting home watching TV while he is taking her out - good grief!

Husband says he's leaving. Atm he's agreed to 66 to 33 split of equity in home as he earns 70k and I earn 30k. 2 daughters in 20s living at home. He wants me to remortgage so he can buy a new house. He's willing to take part now and part in 5 years or so when daughters might leave home. He wants clean break. He lost track of any pensions he accumulated. I've just gone back to work full time. Can we write up legal separation and get it signed off by solicitors on this basis. Would we both need legal advice. Could we agree to not include pensions... I don't know what full disclosure means. I am trying to be fair and level headed but after 30 years together, 28 married I'm in shock ... thanks for any advice on what I should expect to be fair

Crouch - that’s horrible (and he’s such a cliche). Hope you are ok?

Fizzy - we ALWAYS need legal advice.

Do what is right for you, not what he thinks he wants. Would you be want to sell and split the equity or stay in the house?

Pensions are REALLY important, especially if you haven’t been accumulating yours raising a family. I suspect he knows this...

To be fair he's pretty clueless on finances altogether as I've always sorted everything apart from his pension! He was self employed for a while and had moved jobs a lot so he won't have much anyway. I would love to stay with kids in the home and remain amicable as he is a decent person. I just want to be fair to us both and make sure kids suffer as little as possible and he wants this too. I just really need to know if this is a realistic split given the circumstances and that it can't be challenged at a later date...I can't sleep for worrying ... he sleeps fine 😞

I have a 70:30 split, and the right to stay until youngest is 21, if that helps? He has a flat which he bought but used savings as a deposit - so it evens up.

I think 70:30 is pretty normal.

We used a mediator, then had a solicitor over see the consent order and get it to court. So if you reach agreement yourself, do get some legal advice before you commit to anything.

What with the cost of lawyers and childcare while I continue to work flat out to keep everything going, I just can’t wait for the divorce to be over. Then I can curl up my toes and die for all I care. I will never have another relationship - nobody wants to be fleeced twice!

Hello All ,

I’ve just heard back from my sol .

Not good news exh is not happy with my proposal said it was too far apart from what the judge said at FDR - this is untrue

Judge didn’t say much bar use a solicitor to correspond or via a mediator but this won’t work as ex will not compromise.

Ex said he would put notice for his costs for final hearing .

I have not asked for the moon and stars it’s based on needs not greed .

I feel I am being bullied and pushed into a corner . I do not what to do ....