Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Checkthemeaning51 I’m so glad to read that your DD1 is back home with you! Such a shame she’s got to reapply for her college place when I remember you writing how it was such a great course suited to her needs- what a selfish father to jeopardise her future independence. And doesn’t buying a puppy epitomise a man’s response to fatherhood- you don’t bribe or throw money at them. It’s time and love that they need!! You have made loads of progress getting your life and your DCs back on track. We have to believe that things will only get better!! My h totally broke my heart so although his actions still hurt me he can’t and won’t make me hit rock bottom again. My DCs and I are off on a family birthday outing for my DCs 14th. We’re celebrating a couple of weeks early before my DDs go off to uni. I always made sure we did things as a family for each birthday and will now plan even more adventure so my DCs have loads of happy memories. To me time with my kids is priceless- sadly not for their father!!

Everyone is sounding very determined and positive. It’s great to hear!

I’m unable to move out yet, so stuck with DH for the next year. However our relationship is dead, he cheated and then dumped me! But it’s not tense as we get on okay day to day. But that leap back into single life, ugh. I already kind of live singly, holiday with kids on my own etc. Dating seems depressing!

Hi
I am considering what to do as I not longer now trust my husband. He has twice been sexually intimate with 2 women once in 2015 and another in 2018. We have been married 25 years and have 2 adult children at home. Unfortunately he knows ( but has not mentioned it directly) that I have asked a solicitor for advice ( free 45 mins session). He found out from his sister 9 that I confided in). now I do not know what to do.

Checkthemeaning I echo everything Jem has said. You are doing so much for your DC, they are super lucky to have you fighting fot them and although I know you have many struggles ahead still I get strength from hearing what you've all achieved.
I'm having more bad days than good atm. Glass of wine every night not ideal but I figure it's short term so what the hell.
I do feel fog of menopause maybe lifting too
Bonnie if you can talk to your H please do. Talk and talk .. if you still love each other you have to fight before it's too late as it's harder than you'll ever think out here on your own. But you know what you can live with x

Hi Bonnie- I agree with Joselyn66- you have to decide what’s right for right for you now. I hope you’re ok - my self esteem/ self worth hit rock bottom when my h betrayed me. Do your grown up DC have any idea what’s gone on ? Do you have any family/ friends who can support you? I’m struggling financially as my h won’t support me financially with our 2 older DCs who are between uni and home. Make sure you get legal advice as I’ve been told that there’s no law to support beyond 18 even if they can’t earn enough to live on whilst at uni. I hope your h is more generous than mine!!! You’re not alone in this whatever you decide to do - we’re here for you xx

Hi
thank you. The children do not believe their Father could have played around. I overheard my H described me as loopy to my son 2 weeks ago in a serious way, not offhand. I feel I just need to see out next 2-3 years till they are independent and decide what to do.
thanks
Bonnie

Bonnie I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be so hard to know you’re being described as loopy! Sadly my h messed with my mind. He told so many lies to our loved ones that I began to doubt myself. My h is very clever with his words and has many people believing his version of the truth however the truth has come out now a few times and I believe that the truth will always eventually become known!! Sadly it’s hard for loved ones to stomach it when they have believed in someone. I hope that whilst you see out 2/3 years you get to live and enjoy your life too! Xx

Bonnie I hope you and your H get back on track during the next 2 years. But if you are truly unhappy then you can't make do and mend. You deserve better. DC will know deep down how it's been for you but I wish you every luck.
I am so down atm. My H also spinning stories of how unhappy and unloved he's been. Maybe I did put DC first but we have had health scares and MH issues and it has not been easy and you want to know someone has got your back through it all but sadly no. He's a successful salesman so can talk the talk and make it whatever he likes and people will believe him, and I think he has had too much time to feel sorry for himself while I have been running a house, garden, family, finances and full time job with no help whatsoever. He let me waste last year trying to make him want me again while he had no intention of staying and was busy setting up his new life. He has OW already and is apparently loving life. He's made me feel like I don't deserve to be loved and it's all my fault it didn't work out but I am determined to be okay

Unfortunately there is a pattern here, they all claim to have been unhappy for a long time, but never happened to mention it, they all didn't get enough attention and it was our fault for not noticing, and for those with OW they have all lied, in my case to me, our DC and his elderly and unwell parents, with no conscience.
I have had a year of lies during which everything has been my fault, I was mad, crazy and paranoid when I caught him out and was also unstable and unreasonable when I questioned him.
If you haven't read the mud life crisis script have a read, it's laughable my H has literally worked his way through it.
I just need to move on, I'm getting there but it's work in progress after what has really been a year of abuse and then hope that his life starts to unravel and his relationship with the awful OW starts to lose its shine now they're not sneaking around together and real life kicks in. 🤞

Vivavegas I will have a read of the mlc script. My H was destined to have one... he had an affair not long in our marriage no doubt panicking his single life was over. He never admitted it properly or apologised for it but his staff knew and I never told a soul until now. I carried it around thinking I didn't deserve any better as there must've been something wrong with me being a newly wed and not being able to kept my new H happy. Since then H worked away from home so who knows what else went on. Maybe nothing I dunno. I need to stop caring. I've followed your anguish and can hear in you that you are turning the corner and I truly hope I can be as strong and determined as you and the others on here. I need to keep sharing as I find it helps to get it out and know someone understands.. just sorry if I keep repeating myself... thank you

Joselyn66 it’s definitely not your fault and you, without a doubt, deserve to be loved. I’ve felt exactly the same as you during this horrendous process of grieving for my marriage. VivaVegas you are so right. They’re all following the same pattern and leaving us totally in shock! I agree it is a form of abuse! So many of us are willing to forfeit our happiness/ self worth to try and save our DCs from the pain of their family being destroyed! Why should we risk our MH to allow these pathetic men to live at home and be part of a family they obviously don’t care enough about! I was not willing to let my h have his cake and eat it!! I’ve requested a separate room or screen in court due to emotional abuse! I know he’ll be all charming and acting like he’s got no worries in the world whilst I’ll be biting back the tears! However I feel his OTT happiness is all a cover up of his true feelings. My h is too big headed to have any regrets so instead laughs harder and louder to convince himself he’s in the right. With none of his DCs choosing to have contact with him how could he truly believe he’s done the right thing? Even if he felt he didn’t love me anymore I deserved the respect after 20 years to know about it sooner and not to have been lied to! He treated me and our DCs appallingly and I hope every lonely Christmas, birthday, fathers’ Day, Easter, Bonfire Night....... are constant reminders that he’s getting what he deserves!

I just want to scream today, I'm just so fidgety, restless and angry 😤

Just received an email from my solicitor to say that after 2 weeks my h’s solicitor has not responded to my financial proposal. So blooming frustrating as he has the power to stop us having to go to court by just agreeing to a proposal that allows me to house our children. How could he not want me to be able to do this??? Am angry, disgusted, exhausted and once again hurt! Just want this over. Sending you a hug VivaVegas xx

Vivavegas scream it out x. My bad day was yesterday I feel less pain today. Menopause or H I dunno.
Jem45 your H sounds unbelievable. My H only looks after kids interests when I pester him but at least he does. I do get sick of asking and asking for the help he promised. They just want control. It's heartless and cruel. My H offered me a bigger share of what we have now .. which Is very little at our ages due to his recklessness and arrogance ... but he has a huge wage coming in now and I have little and I didn't realise that it could count towards the split. I think he's playing me as he's a good salesman. He spins it like he cares but really doesn't

Not getting a divorce at all but all of you are honestly so strong. It’s made me realise a lot of what happens and the feelings when divorce happens etc. I’ll definitely be making an effort to reach out to my husbands ex-wife.

Good luck to you all

Evening all
Well finally tonight, over a year after the split, we’ve eventually sorted out bank accounts. Discussed house equity and pensions. Both ended up with a few tears that it’s all come to this
But - upwards and onwards
Take care everyone - and to the newbies- time really does help.
Xxx

Glad to hear you are moving forward Jen.

Glad it’s sorted for you Jen. Sadly my h has moved away with no forwarding address and we’ve had no response from my solicitor’s letter with my financial proposal. Just have to wait for the court date now. Thank goodness I have a solicitor involved.
Have started working full time now and am absolutely exhausted. My son has to start at his new school on Thursday and my stomach is churning for him. I just want him to be happy and settled.

Hi all, joining you lovely ladies. Finally, took all my courage in both hands & ended it with my abusive (narc) H today. Told the teens which was gut wrenching. We are all in shock. He has gone from not wanting to say anything to them, to being businesslike, to looking like I’ve stamped on everyone’s hearts. I feel so guilty I can’t tell you. Just got to keep remembering all the times he hurt me & I sobbed while he showed no emotion. Also all the times my girls were part of or witnessed this.

Looking forward to supporting & being supported on this thread.

Sorry to hear but welcome onabus. I have felt so much better for being able to share on here. Didn't feel I deserved any understanding at first as also felt such overwhelming guilt. Day by day things have settled into a new normal with everyone making the best. Jeez... still have gut wrenching times but they are getting fewer.
My H left in July. Trying hard to keep it amicable but it's challenging as things keep getting revealed, such as OW which he insisted did not exist.
Sounds like it was the only way for you though. Your DC will understand eventually and they'll be stronger adults knowing how strong you've had to be
Thinking of you

Onabus you’re a brave woman who has shown her DDs it’s not ok to be treated badly. Your bravery is a gift to them that hopefully will prevent them going through the pain you’ve suffered. I’ve felt utter guilt at being the one who told my h to leave. I’ve questioned whether I should have stuck it out for stability for my DCs but his heartless and narcissistic behaviour have proved I was absolutely right to say enough was enough.
On Thursday my DS had to start his new school and even though we’d prepared for it when it came for me to leave in the morning to go to work he began weeping!! It broke my heart to see him so nervous and to have to leave him. I’m so proud he picked himself up and cycled off to school- I was terrified he wouldn’t go in!! After 2 days he’s got onto the rugby and rowing teams and even played a rugby match for school this morning!!! He literally threw himself in ( actually he really did throw himself in as rowing trials consisted of swimming in the Thames and being capsized in a rowing boat!!!) I was due to attend a PA event last night and really didn’t want to go but my DS insisted I went ( and braved attending alone!) It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought!! I’m completely exhausted working full time but know I have to be sociable. Life is tough but it is getting easier as I don’t feel like half a couple anymore! I’m so grateful to all of you for your words of wisdom/ support xxx

Good for you Jem and your son sounds like he's doing great.
My DC (20 and 23) spending more and more time with H. He's set himself up with a home gym and bought everyone golf clubs and splashing out on lavish takeaways for them and their partners... which is nice for them of course. Think he's trying to build up courage to introduce the OW. How can I stop feeling jealous (not of OW) jus the fact that H seems to be deliriously happy and I am left struggling finances and DC arguing etc.
I feel annoyed the whole time they are at his brand new 4 bed with all the mod cons bla bla bla...it's doing me no good and I want DC to be happy but I want H to have at least some regret.. help

Joselyn66 it’s so unfair that he’s using money to buy affection whilst you’re struggling. However the last thing you want is to lose any closeness with your DCs because you’re stressed/ showing your feelings about the unfairness of it all. You may not be able to buy expensive take aways or sports equipment but I bet your DCs and their partners would enjoy a homemade meal and maybe a giggle over a competitive board game! Do your DCs have any favourite meals or games? We still have a laugh playing Rapido/ Pictionary! Your DCs are probably only spending more time with your h because he’s invited them rather than because of his house. Just get in there and invite them to be with you too. I bet they are far from impressed when he introduces he OW! You’re an amazing mum and a stranger woman. Don’t let your h make you feel anything less xx

Thank you Jem.. wise words I realise. Yes we do all love a game of monopoly and I know this is their home and I'm really luckythey are here with me. I don't have to try to compete mostly because I can't in the same way but you are right they need a relationship with both parents and I have to deal with the fact I can't give them everything. Thank you

Good morning Joselyn66. I hope you had a good night’s sleep x I truly believe that what you have to offer your DCs ( time, love, friendship, honesty, stability..) is worth more than all the take aways and golf clubs in the world! You don’t need to compete financially because your unconditional love is priceless. ( Plus I bet your Sunday roast/ homemade lasagne/ whatever your specialty is- is far more delicious than a takeaway!) xxxx