Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Joselyn66 you are a stronger woman than me as I could not go on holiday with my h! I wish you the resilience to get through it x

Thankyou Jem45 I have made sure he has a separate studio today so feeling a bit better. I know we've split and it's inevitable but I didn't expect someone on the scene so soon. He only moved out 6 weeks ago. He says they got together after he had told me he was leaving but it must've been literally just after. He was with her and then coming home and sleeping in my bed and I remember pulling long blonde hair out of his dirty boxers and asking about them. I know it's someone he's been going out clubbing with for a few years in the group he hangs with (he's always worked away from home) At least I won't have to bump into them regularly. Kids annoyed that he hadn't mentioned it before agreeing to come.
I however should've known better. He's had affair in the past which he took 25 years to admit to.

How dreadful to find hair in his boxers! 🤮 Sadly it seems that once someone has been unfaithful they often do it again. Before I married my h he boasted that he’d never been faithful to a girlfriend before. I thought I’d changed him and after 20 years didn’t doubt his commitment. Seems I was fooled! Been to see my solicitor today to work out my counter offer for our financial deal. I’m angry that even though he’s the one who ended our marriage it appears that I’ll end up struggling financially and with all the responsibilities of kids and pets. As far as our kids are concerned I’m grateful for every minute I spend with them but being a single parent is scary and exhausting! I’m just so used to having a h to make decisions with and not having everything resting on my shoulders. Can’t wait for all the legal stuff to be over. My head and my heart need a break from it all!!

How strange to be pleased about not being faithful. I've followed this thread and Jem you should be proud of what you've achieved and how strong you are for your DCs. I really hope you get the deal you deserve. We are also managing on a tight budget and I have to work out how to buy H out of home in 5 years or move. I am taking it one day at a time. I'm spending my pitiful savings on this break just so we can think about something other than separation for a few days. Then I have to go see a solicitor for a bit of advice. H is being fair but he does have plenty of spare money at the end of each month, a brand new 4 bed, big fully financed car, new woman as it turns out, no responsibilities and he's loving it. I wouldn't rather be anywhere other than with my kids though. They are brilliant. I did hope this holiday was going to be part of an amicable separation and convince the kids that we all can get along nicely but with the OW revelation I just can't be so sure now but I will try so hard because my kids mean more than anything

You sound like an amazing mum. I’m glad that your h is being fair. Like you I just want to give my kids the best life I can and not have to close doors on opportunities because of money. This thread has really helped me. When I scroll back it’s a relief to see what I’ve got through!! It gives me reassurance that I’ll look back on what’s happening now and will be on the other side of this frustrating financial battle one day! But I am exhausted by it all. Everyone keeps giving me advice to do things for myself/ treat myself but I don’t have the money/ freedom to do so. I want to be at the point when I can afford all my bills and mortgage whilst being able to put a little bit away each month to save for a holiday with my kids. It’ll be amazing to be financially ok and not worrying about money all the time! My h has the power to make this happen but I suspect takes pleasure in having this hold over me. Now my marriage is over I can see how dominating he was. I accepted it as I loved him. I’ll never let anyone have that control over me ever again. I pity the OW as these men can’t hide their true colours forever!!!

I've been struggling last few days since finding out about OW. We had decided to separate but he was still sleeping in my bed while he was with her. He's known her for years as she works at same place (he works away from home) so who knows really how long it had been going on. He said we'd grown apart and he didn't feel as loved... well what load of crap. But what I want to know is how can I stop making up scenarios and thinking what a wonderful loved up time they've been having/still having. It's not helpful.. what can I do... how do I stop... will time heal. I don't want to picture it/stuff in my head anymore

Joselyn66 I’m banking on time being a healer!! I’m struggling too with accepting that he’s happy to have dumped me, destroyed our family unit and has no regrets ! As he’s not got any contact with our children he has limitless time to spend with the OW!! If makes me feel sick that he’s having fun whilst I feel rejected!!

I'm with you on this one as I think they are happy, having fun and will be while I will be alone, sad and lonely.
However, how do I know they are happy, I don't. Will a relationship built on a foundation of lies and betrayal for both of them last, the odds are stacked against them and I truly hope it goes horribly wrong.
He does have our DC and as he works strange hours he has very little time to himself now (he was off sick for months and had plenty of time but now that's changed.) So he will have very little time now to see the OW so again I hope that causes issues (she has no kids so won't know what's it's like to have them, and hopefully will get fed up of being put at the back of the pecking order where she should be).
I feel sick when I imagine them together, not just the sex but the intimacy of him staying at her house etc.
They don't appear to Koch together (probably as they don't have much time off work together) and are generally spotted at the supermarket so I can take from that they life is probably less exciting than mine. He had the cake to moan that I was always out when I don't have the DC (I think he's been stalking me on social media) and yes I am but that is only because I hate being at home on my own, work regular hours and have friends, which neither he or her have.
But I am still so angry with him, I have so much gate both for her and him and I need to learn to not give a damn about them and let them rot in their sea of lies.
I don't think this helps but hopefully you'll realise you're not alone in how you feel.

VivaVegas I want to be at the point when I just don’t care what my h is up to it with whom. I want to not give him a second thought- day or night. Then I’ll know I’ve truly survived this!!! I don’t believe these relationships will last and I can’t wait for it to dawn on my h what he’s lost! I hope he regrets his decisions for the rest of his life!!! And I hope one day I get another chance at feeling confident, fulfilled and maybe in love!!

I hate what we're all going through. I don't want to wish my life away but want to be in a place where I've exhausted everything in my head and I can go back to concentrating on what is important now and I know time will help but it seems hard to believe right now. I feel an idiot explaining to shocked relatives and friends and our kids fgs that he said we'd grown apart and there was no one else when there clearly was and is... I want to know everything but I don't want to at the same time and I'm as furious at hell at being so naive and trusting once again

Yep I'd love to feel happy in myself again which I used to until he assassinated my character bit by bit, bit given him or his ho a thought and basically not be bothered if he existed or not.
And at that point for his lie based relationship to all come crumbling down- now that would be karma!

I agree with you both. I’m sad that I’ve basically lost a year of my life crying and now am still wishing away time so the pain is dulled. I’ve even considered going to a psychic just to be told that my life will have a happy ending. But for one I can’t afford it and two- I’ve come to believe I’m the only one who can control the next chapter of my life. If I choose to constantly think about what I’ve lost or the life I thought I’d have in the future I’m just going to be miserable. I refuse to waste another year especially if my h is being all loved up and celebrating his escape!!!! I’ve just got to stop worrying and try to enjoy the now rather than plan ahead xx

Hi everyone . I didn’t
Know this board existed until now so I had posted in the relationships board . To get to the point, my husband told Me This morning That he doesn’t think he loves me Anymore . We wants us to live as seperated couple
With our children.my brain has fogged over and I don’t know what to do or where to go . He is an absent father and husband
For years . A man who actually doesn’t really speak. I am
Full of Resentment after 16 years of working full time and carrying the can so to speak . He feels that I pull the negative out of every situation . I am
Simply tired and
Angry and resentful . He is moody cranky and can be shouty and cursy at the children . We had a lot of
Love and good times but children with special needs ,parental
Deaths, unemployment at one stage etc etc have led to this. I’m heartbroken and do t know what to do. I don’t
Know anyone personally who is separated that I
Could talk to thanks

How do
You tell children? What do
You say to a 15,11 and 8 year old

Hi peoniesfromheaven. Welcome and so sorry life is so hard for you right now. Before you tell your DCs you need to think what it is you can live with. Can you accept living as a separate couple in the same house with your children? Everyone is different and there’s definitely no right or wrong way of dealing with this. I couldn’t live with my h after he announced he no longer loved me as he made me feel totally worthless. For me it was living a fake life just to save embarrassment for him. It may take a while for you even to be able to think straight and decide what you want/ need to do and I wouldn’t say anything to your DCs until you’re ready. Do you feel you can talk to your h about your next step? I wish my h had spoken to me first but sadly he told our DCs on the same day as telling me. I was in shock so it’s all a blur!!
I’ve got no single friends either and being able to share my thoughts on here has been a lifeline. Hopefully we can support you too xx

Thank you so much

Sorry to have to welcome you Peoniesfromheaven. My dc older than yours but I put it off and off and lived a lie for so long. H still was sleeping in my bed and me still cooking cleaning ironing and pretending everything was fine was SO hard. Turns out he had OW already even though he told me we had just 'grown apart'. I wish I had been brave enough to tell people sooner. Maybe brave is the wrong word as I really needed support but I found it here on this thread and have been able to vent frustration and get some words of comfort

Saying that though I think you need some time to come to terms with it before you can tell dc. Youll need to be as strong and as calm as you can..near impossible to think at moment I know x

My eldest DD is going back to uni in a couple of weeks and my middle DD starts uni at the same time. With just my wonderful DS left at home I’m already suffering anxiety for the the future empty nest syndrome. I’ve gone from a happy ( I thought we were!!) family of 5 to just 2 of us! My DDs are noisy and messy but their zest for life and women’s lib attitude has inspired me to get on with it! I’m going to miss them dreadfully! In preparation for my life changing again I’m starting to look for ways to be sociable. I don’t want to just go to work and then be at home every evening. It never worried me before as my h was my best friend and we did loads together. Any suggestions of what I can do to make new friends?... particularly single mums!! I don’t want life to race by and before I know it my DS will fly the nest!😞

Welcome peonie and sorry you've had to join us, I've found offloading on here and talking with those that understand what it's like really useful.
Jem I was already a member of my local gym and I go to classes or swim if I'm on my own, I don't really meet anyone there but the exercise makes me feel good and it's good to be around people and keeping active and fit.
I joined my local running club ( I love running but did most of it alone or with a couple of friends) and that been really good, they meet twice a week and have many groups from walkers up to fast runners but people meet up outside of that as well and they have socials so all good to get out and keep busy.
What do you like doing, what about joining a book group or having a look on Meetup to see if there's anything on there that interests you?

I've joined a few Meetup groups and attended a few events...and lots of groups to choose from... or you can set up your own.
My son has a chronic condition so I am looking to volunteer for the charity group too ( when I'm in a more positive frame of mind ... I've not got past miserable yet).
I don't have any single friends either.

I only have a couple of single friends, one lives miles away and the other is local and going through the same thing.
I went to one Meetup which was good, and from that a group of ladies now get together and do other things.
I do a bit of volunteering when I can and have just made a real effort to cast my net wide so that there are more people to see and I don't feel I'm taking the same people away from their husbands or families if I ask them to go out or do stuff, although to be fair most people have their own lives outside of their families and don't mind.
Weirdly in the last week, I've filed for divorce and have moved into a place where I hate the man, but am now a bit indifferent. A few more things have come out if the woodwork and I just think what an idiot.
Time to dust myself off, move on and leave him and his also a liar and a cheat OW to rot in their sea of lies.
I do however still want a giant nasty bit of karma to head their way 😀

Thank you so much for your advice. Xxx I’ve found a book club that meets in a few weeks and have put my name down to help at my DS new school with the Parents Association. They’ve got a meeting at a pub one evening at the start of term which I will force myself to go to!! As long as I can pay my rent, bills etc I’m going to join my local sports centre and do a couple of classes/ swim every week. Like you VivaVegas I don’t want to rely on just a few friends especially as they have hs and families. I’m determined to widen my social circle and make new friends in the new area we’re living in. I’m not going to let myself just go to work then come home every night!! There’s no local Meet-up group and I looked at setting up a new one but can’t pay the monthly fees 😞
I’ve been fooled and hurt but have to get on with my new life. I really want to be happy again and I really want karma to do her bit too!! VivaVegas it’s good to hear you sounding so determined/feisty!!! Xxxx What idiots our hs are!!!!

Sounds good Jem, I've been surprised how many doors open if you make an effort.
Mums of friends of my DC have also been really supportive and helpful now they know what he's put me through.
I also look on Facebook for local events and have been to a couple of things I wouldn't have gone to before and that's another good way of meeting people.
H on the other hand is continuing to push his good friends away, still lying to his family and behaving like an absolute idiot (which as it affects our DC) I'm telling his family about so they know the truth as he is desperately trying to play the victim.
The way he's going he's going to end up with just the OW but I think that's what she wants, as she has no friends at all, I wonder why 🤔

Hi ladies, it's been a while since I have posted and have thought of you all often. Jem, Jocelyn you are wonderful women. It's now nearly 10 weeks since he left. It's been a Rollercoaster, particularly with regard to the DC. My eldest with SEN missed out on her residential college due to the messing around with him saying she was now living with him etc. I had to get solicitor to write to him so I could see her and my DS. He put all kinds of conditions in place, even telling her social worker my relationship with her had totally broken down so she couldn't stay out overnight with me. It was a nightmare, but it came good. DD1 so happy to see me and her sister, ended up staying with us and then returning home with us the next day. This was the best outcome for her. She's decided to go to college locally, with her friends and we will appeal the residential college situation next year..

DD2 is now on speaking terms with her father after he ignored her for over two months. I went on holiday with DDs and encouraged her to clear the air with him. They all met up with him last week and had a good time. He's now showering her with gifts and telling her how supportive he'll be with. 300 mile gap between them.

DS who has decided to live with H came down to see us. He got his GCSE results with us last week and then went to Reading Festival (home in one piece thankfully) with his friends. H has done nothing about finding him a sixth form so I have had to. DS commented on how much he missed home, how the weather was better and how much he enjoyed seeing his friends. He is very loyal to his father so I have no doubt he will go back up to live with H. DS was at boarding school, so I continue to think of him being away at school. As H's rented house is not DS home. H must have panicked as he's got himself a German Shepherd puppy that DS is completely besotted by. I wonder how he'll manage to rent with that in tow... Oh well he never thinks.

Whilst all this has been going on his divorce petition arrived. His solicitor has broken protocol and filed with the court without circulating a draft to me. He has chosen solicitors in Wales, hundreds of miles from him and me. My solicitor isn't happy about this, as it's not practical, but again, he's knee jerked and paid for flat fee divorce, so of course they're doing the bare minimum. Doesn't set things off on the right foot as his reasons are lies. He claims I never supported the family financially. That hurt. My inheritance from my parents set us up in our first flat, I have worked full time apart from mat leaves and when he refused to make any further contribution to household expenses 3 years ago and drop down to part time work I supported him. I can see now, that's when he disengaged from our marriage. A man who is not prepared to support his family financially is checking out of reality. He makes no contribution to the mortgage or maintenance of our marital home, so I'm keeping a tally.

So my feelings of anger for him are just as strong as the day he left. I'd be happy if he just dropped dead. I don't get as upset as I did. I know I can survive without him and I embrace the future. I'm happy to know that I am no longer wasting my time with such a loser. It's thinking of the kids that upsets me. In time hell be my ex H, but he'll always be their dad unfortunately.

Stay strong ladies, I don't know how I got through the last few months. I have great friends and family who have been very supportive, but knowing I'm not alone in this experience is reassuring in a bizarre way. Mx