Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

Hi ....I'm new to this so please be gentle. I've been married for 25 years and I have been unhappy every single day of those 25 years. We have three lovely boys who are all excellent both at home and with their education.
I am a fully involved father. I quite rightly always participate in every aspect of raising our children from changing nappies to cooking meals and making school lunch as well as having a job. My wife is excellent with all our financial aspects. She works full time and does an incredible job with the boys. She is also brilliant with every aspect of raising a family....secure safe home....savings...ISAs etc etc.
So what is the problem?

When we were first engaged....I bought her some (so I thought) sexy underware. I was very young and I had never been in a ladies underware bit of the store ever so it was quite traumatising for me...really it was.
Well...she took one look at what I had got and she laughed and laughed and said that thete was no way she would wear something so small an skimpy and she made me feel like a dirty guyv going to a shop and getting ths for her.
Well ...fast forward to now and despite my nicely asking her to get some nice sexy nightware that might help her feel sexy...she has never done so for 25 years.
You see....we have only ever been intimate may be 5 or 6 times a year for all this time.

I am always frustrated (as yo may well imagine) and I really dont know what the problem is...She says is not in the mood.

Raj101 so sorry you’re so unhappy. Have you tried to talk to your wife and explain your feelings and ask how she feels. Daily life as a parent is exhausting but it does sound like your intimate life is very limited! Has she ever told you what does make her feel sexy??? Everyone is different so if your gift didn’t work ask her what does! Do you get any time alone? Before it’s too late try to open up to each other. I hope you can save your marriage and be truly happy.

Jem you were right. We made some homemade pizza tonight and then started watching a comedy series together and all had a good laugh. I hope you had a good day too.
Raj can you talk with your wife. It's so important to have intimacy for you both but you need to have romance and all the closeness that goes before. Spend time to build up that closeness without any expectations on anyone. I really hope you can both be happy

I have talked to her and she says things like...I'm just not in the mood.....or I'm too tired.

Months and months pass like this and then when we do finally get intimate I am left feeling like she gave me mercy sex...and having not had any for months...it usually is over in 15 minutes!.
I really am at my wits end. The only reason that I am still with her is the children...I dont want them to be distressed.
By the way...me and my wife never argue or fight....

Raj101 do you not argue or fight because you don't communicate at all. You both have to be open and honest and talk about your relationship and your needs. Even if it's hard and you don't want to hear it all. You can only move forward when things are transparent.
Do you have lots of other things in common that you can share and get closer through . Would your wife go to couples counselling where you can be open and honest.
There is help out there if you are both willing. Explore options before you make any decision.
Sadly my H just let things fester until resentment grew and grew from things I didn't even know about. He worked away from home and we didn't talk properly much I now realise

Hi. Thanks for your advise. We do communicate without shouting at each other. My wife is fully aware about how much I resent the lack of intimacy over the years. She is the sort of person who wouldnt do something unless she wanted to....and I do undetstand that....I just wish that she was more into it ....if you see what I mean. Everything else in our relationship is great. Neither of us had any partners before or after we got together.

Joselyn66 I’m truly glad you had such a fun evening with your kids- now roll on your next family night!
Ravi101 if you’ve tried talking to your wife on a deeper level but don’t really get anywhere maybe try writing her a heartfelt, loving letter?? Don’t be accusatory but just explain how determined you are to save your marriage and make sure you’re both happy. Arrange some time alone together to give it to her away from your children. We do all have different needs but as you were drawn to each other at the beginning there must be a chance to rekindle that feeling- but it has to come from both of you.

Did you have much of a single life before marriage Ravi? Its pretty good out there as a single, there is a beauty to marriage but also a misery. Not having to consider someone else in every decision from when to wake up to what to eat, can be amazingly liberating! What's your social circle like? Any hobbies? Marriage can be great, truly great but if ypu aren't feeling it any more and there is no change then time to go. Mumsnet always says if a person is unhappy they should leave yet when it comes to the crunch its seen as a terrible thing to do. Get duck in a row etc etc.

All very quiet, hopefully that's a good sign, how is everyone doing?

Hi VivaVegas. How are you? I’m settling into our new life. Both my DDs are away at uni, my DS has started his new school and I’m working full time now in Year 6. Life’s really busy and I’m exhausted!!! I’m not socialising much as I spend my evenings and weekends with my DS. But actually there’s no one I’d rather be with. He’s growing up so fast that I’m cherishing the fact he wants to hang out with me!!! The only part of my life that upsets me is that my narcissistic h still refuses to even respond to my financial offer so I’m waiting for a court date. I can’t believe that I literally can’t wait to be divorced and financially separated!! I never would have believed I’d ever even say those words. My H was my world. I still find it unbelievable that he changed so much! My DCs have had to endure such mean texts and rejection that they all refuse to see him. He’s moved over 90 miles away and has become an absent father- an utterly shameful shadow of the man he once was. My future is so unknown but I’m not scared anymore- I know I’ll have the strength to adapt. I’m angry he’s ruined the last year and more determined than ever to make it up to my DCs by supporting them in everything they do. Xxxxxx

Jem45 so much of what you have written resonated with me. We've just had a visit this weekend from H and DS. It was lovely to see my son even for the briefest of time he spent with us. I was the bigger person and let H have all day Saturday with DC. My son stayed with us on Saturday night and had to leave on Sunday by midday due to the long drive back. I have told him in future I will arrange for him to come down on the train and he seemed happy with that. He is used to train journeys having been away at school. I have to think of him as still being away at boarding school, it's the only way I know to be able to get through it.

My daughter's were less than impressed, having made a big gesture to see them H took them to a football match. His selfishness was not lost on them.

He even suggested to DD2 that she bring up DD1 (with special needs) on the train and he'd meet them at Carlisle. She told him she didn't think that was a good idea and he said it wasn't just his responsibility to make the effort. He should have thought about that when he decided to move 300 miles from his family.

Poor girl, she's 14, has horrendous travel sickness and threw up for the entire journey the last time we took one of those fast pendolino trains. Not to mention DD1 who has a leaning disability and is an anxious traveller on short journeys. It would be neglect to put them on a train unaccompanied.

It was brought to my attention that he is feeling the pinch. He took early retirement and is paying rent on a four bed house when it's only him and DS living there. God forbid he may need to get a job like any other 52 Yr old. He's claiming legal fees against me and is pressing the solicitor for a time frame on when he can get the equity from our house.

I don't think his flat-fee solicitor has told him this could take a couple of years to sort out! Last week I was very down and feeling overwhelmed by everything, then I realised that I am in the stronger position. Firstly I have his daughters, both having made a decision to live with me. I'm in the largest marital asset and not going anywhere anytime soon, I have a good job that means I can afford to keep the house going with no financial contributions from him. He has all the pressure and I can sit tight.

Reframing it has really helped me. Yes, I get sad, it'll be our 22nd wedding anniversary in 11 days. Not sure how I will get through that one. I just keep reminding myself that the man I married and who would do anything for me does not exist.

It's over 3 months since he left and we get stronger each day. Like you say Jem, we support each other, my children know I'm there for them and we stick together.

Exciting here, have a date this pm! Any words of wisdom? My only serious boyfriend I married! Ok the date is at the park but if it is good - any one else got this far? The good news is that I have several men wanting to take me on dates but this one seems ok from texts. Think of me please!!

Hello! Best of luck on your date . I am no help to you really only to say I love to hear a positive story!ive posted on another thread about my husband who I think is hiding money in the form of not being paid abouve board for overtime. Could be up to e200 week cash . If not money he must have weeks of time owing which he won’t take as that would mean being with the children or else an affair.how can I find out about him hiding money and what are consequences. He is very close to his secretary and boss who have often given him money under the table before .I’m going to a solicitor today to start the separation process and would really appreciate tips and hints for questions or anything useful at all. Thanks . I’m hoping to keep the solicitor out of it. I just want to
get adviceand knowledge .

Checkthemeaning51 you are totally right not to allow your travel sick 14 year old be responsible for her older sister on a long journey!!! Your h chose to be so far away so he can deal with the issues it’s created! My h is also claiming he needs to rent a large 3 bed house for when the children stay with him. As he’s not had any of our DCs stay or visit him since he left last September I feel he needs a 1 bed flat! I’m so glad you are secure financially. As for your wedding anniversary I do understand as I had to live through my 21st in August. I suggest you plan a really fun outing with your girls and cherish that they are the result of your marriage rather than think about your h!!!
Stucknoue Good luck!! I’m not ready for dating yet but hope one day I will be!!!
Carrotsandparsnips it’s difficult to trace cash. Do you have a joint bank account or your own? I had both and if I hadn’t had my own I wouldn’t have survived financial as my h drained our joint account! Maybe you should start building up a stash of cash of your own!!!

You're not alone. I'm 52 almost 53 with, two older teens. Just separating and been told the marriage has not been right for years. OH wants to be free to explore new relationships, and he hid lots of money and kept blocking my plans to move-on for the last 4 years. It's clear now he was planning an escape route. Feeling a little hollow right now. Good luck to all us new singletons.

Sorry to hear Brigid . Your situation seems to mirror mine though my DC are early 20s but still live with me. H has top wage and saved his hefty bonuses for himself last few years spending on expensive clothes and watches, cars.. thought it was mlc.
I've not been heartbroken as we'd been growing apart as he worked away from home and has since revealed he's been seeing someone from his away home for a long while.
He'd lost interest in anything I wanted and never bothered with my Birthday or anniversary for a good few years so I suppose I gradually got the message without realising it.
Feel annoyed I'm struggling financially.. he has agreed to me having 140k from house while he'll only take 75k but that's all we've got to share apparently. He left in July and still trying desperately to be amicable but tbh I wished he'd move to where OW lives... but know DC would miss him. Wish I could tell them about OW and the affairs he has before but I won't.
I'm 53 soon and feel up and down with life... not sure where I'm headed or what I want x

Joselyn66, I hope you're doing well and keeping strong. I feel for you and the disrespectful way your OH treated you. Not to bother with your birthday shows a complete disregard for you and your children. Honestly, I have no idea what goes through these men's minds.

I've been struggling over the past week with the fact tomorrow is going to be my 22nd wedding anniversary. I have felt sad, angry, confused. How do you deal with this day? On the eve of it I feel calm, I know I'll get through it. I'm meeting some friends and starting to reframe it in my mind. I ask myself do I want to be married to a man who treats me so disrespectfully. No I don't. I deserve to cherished, my cousin said I should be with someone who worships the ground I walk on...and in a way she is right, we all deserve happiness on whatever level is right for us.

We'll grieve, we'll recover and we'll move on. I know I've come a long way since May and I know there are difficult times ahead, it's not over yet, but I feel strong today!

collaborative family lawyers can be really effective when children are involved . it means you and your soon to be ex meet up with respective lawyers - It saves time and lots of blame and shame emails , calls etc as you are in the same room to discuss the challenges you face. not for everyone - the lawyers will also involve experts when required eg coaches , financial advisers - team work all round.

Dwatki that's interesting. My H's solicitor went against the family law protocol they've signed up to which tries to take the heat out of the situation by filing the petition directly with the Court and didn't circulate a draft. The petition was full of lies and for me to counteract this I now have to contest the divorce. More expense etc, my solicitor has advised not to. Its very frustrating and sad that my STBXH has lied, and misrepresented our marriage to expedite his exit.

Checkthemeaning51 I hope you’re ok and today is far better than you thought. I’m finding the lead up to significant days are worse for me than the event itself!!! I’ve finally got the keys to our marital house and am going on Sunday to collect mine and my DCs belongings! Am dreading going there and can’t wait to cross it off the list!!!!

Thanks Jem45 Friday went OK. I did not shed one tear. I think you are right much of the anticipation of the event was worse than the reality. I hope everything has gone OK for you today. Stay strong all

I’m back home after collecting our belongings from our family house. It was so weird as although the last time we were there was July 2018 it mainly looked the same- like we were all still living there! It’s as if my h is living a weird life pretending he’s still part of a family he deserted! All my clothes were gone and some personal belongings were no longer there but they’re just material things so I really don’t care! He also had gifts that he’d bought me proudly on display?!! The most important thing is my son has coped with going there and I’ve ticked it off my awful to do list!!
Checkthemeaning51 I’m glad we’re both starting a new week!! Xxxx

Hope everyone is doing okay.
Was hoping stucknoeuwould post and let us know how the date went. Hope it was good.. one day I'm hoping to be ready to see what's out there

Had an advisor today looking at my financial future and basically I might as well give up now. I dont want to ask H for anything. How does everyone else cope. After 28 years marriage would i qualify for spousal maintenance (I'm 52) or would H have to earn 6 figures? He's not too far off.

Family are all getting used to the new set up now. I just want a bit of peace for a while and to maybe sleep through a whole night again x

My financial situation is always on my mind. From being mortgage free and able to enjoy a meal out without stressing I’m now renting and struggling to pay my bills. My h is refusing spousal allowance or to share his huge pension so I’ve been forced to let a judge decide. I’m finally sleeping again without herbal sleeping tablets and do feel more able to cope. When everything seems too much for me I do think how lucky I am to have my 3 healthy children and my own health. By forcing myself to think of utterly heart wrenching scenarios that other women are waking up to today ( with children in hospital/ terminal illnesses!!!) for me it helps me put my financial situation and unfaithful h into perspective!! Sadly there’s always someone worse off. Have already worried about affording Christmas so have decided not to punish myself by trying to do what we’d normally do. Instead we’re going to help at a homeless charity!

Jem45 I can't imagine where you get your strength from. You are amazing and I feel ashamed to be feeling so sorry for myself.
You've certainly made me think and realise I need to take a reality check and stop whingeing.
Some days I am better than other days. I need to move on and stop feeling so bitter. I know I am only hurting myself... my H only ever been self interested.
Thank you. I will be more positive from now on... or at least try harder