Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

If he can betray you, the mother of his children, he will betray her. He’s a cheat and a liar and doesn’t deserve to own any more of your life. I’m glad you told his family too!! Why don’t you look into whether you can afford to move back to be near your family? Moving away and changing schools has been hard on my DS but ( with my teacher head on - I’ve been teaching for 20 years) I know kids are resilient and do settle-making new friends. Most in the world our kids need us to feel whole again and to truly move on. If we only live half a life and just continuously pretend to be happy then our children will see that and learn that’s ok. I need my kids to feel they’re worthy of happiness in their own right. If this happened to my children I’d want them to have the resilience and self worth to get up and move on. So VivaVegas that’s how I’m finding the strength to move on a tiny bit each day- I want my kids to learn from me the right message and not accept that it’s ok to let anyone defeat/ destroy your life. Xxxxx I’m hurt to the core but even if I never find love again I’m determined to be happy and enjoy my life xxxx

@VivaVegas can you move back?

@jem I agree, kids need us to truly move on.

@Jem45 just read your posts, sounds awful.

Don’t whatever you do give in about money. It’s important. I was very generous and ended up with a horrible Ex, and I think me taking way less than my share and low maintenance just fed into his bad treatment of me. If someone becomes a bully, they need standing up to twice over. I regret being nice thinking nice breeds nice.

Thank you Longlongsummer. I will fight for the best financial outcome for my kids. Just so sad that their own dad doesn’t want that too!! Being older my kids are totally aware of the decisions he’s making- so devastating to see that they no longer respect the dad they once worshipped. I can’t imagine what he thinks about what he’s done to his life. He now has no loving wife, no contact with his 3 kids, no home.... was it worth it???? Just watched the movie “In Pursuit Of Happyness” with my kids. Not that I’m ever going to become a multi millionaire but I’m at my financial rock bottom so am inspired to get back up to living comfortably again. I just want the odd meal out/ cinema trip/ cheap holiday!!! Right now we’re surviving on only the necessities and it’s tough. But we’re making the most of being together. Tonight we made an Italian pizzeria at home with homemade pizza and tacky Italian music on my phone. We ate it in the garden as we don’t have an indoor table yet!! But whatever my h was doing tonight wasn’t as special as the time I spent with my kids flinging pizza dough around the kitchen!! His loss! 🍕

@Jem45 whilst the devastation must be tough, seeing their father in reality, at least they are seeing him in reality. My DS older teenager worships his father, who is mean and nasty to me. I feel DS has been covered in love and I worry that he is more likely to subconsciously model his father’s traits, as he cannot see any fault in them. I partly blame myself for shielding him, and making out it’s all fine.

I think your kids will be fine, they have a tough Mum who sounds solid and kind. Hope you will be too.

Thanks for your responses.
I don't want him back now, I would have done but I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now.
But it's the way knowing he is with her makes me feel, makes me feel sick and I just feel they are happy and laughing at me, when I have no way of knowing this is true.
I need to stop wasting my time thinking about them and think about me.
I also don't get why he is still denying not just to me but family, why would he do that now. I wonder if she knows he is still denying it, he's probably lying to her too.
I could easily move back to where I'm from but he says he'll fight it if I try, I think he would lose as does my solicitor but I have a life here, friends, the DCs have a good life, good friends.
I just can't have that idiot living so near to me and I can't bear them having a relationship that I may have to see or hear about if I'm here as it's a small area.
I've told him he's the one who sh** on his doorstep so he needs to go. He's ignoring me as if he doesn't get his own way he acts like a child!

Sometimes things just run their lifespan. From the other side, I miss my freedom, my time alone, the sense of not having to factor in everything else. Mumsnet says that if you aren't happy then leave, yet that is a terrible thing to do when it actually happens. No OW, no issues just a desire to leave and get out of the quagmire it feels I am in.

I slogged my guts out for my family, left behind interests and friends in the name of prioritising family, took jobs I wouldn't have always pursued as they were a better family fit, made sure my wife kept her agency throughout by supporting her in her career, sharing childcare equally, ditto housework, ensuring the strongest possible financial position whilst also rightly putting time with the children first.

After almost 30 years I just want some time back. I look back to when I was living alone, job I loved, loads of time for hobbies and sports and it does spark something within.

I'd be willing to give the lions share to my wife, to go live in a one bed apartment, she can keep the paid off house, I make enough to get by, can always make more and would want her financially secure. What price personal freedom?

Gspittsb -Wish my h owned up to what he is doing and why instead of building a ridiculous web of lies. Wish he wanted financial security for his family too! Why does having freedom and hobbies mean leaving your wife? Surely you both deserve to enjoy life if you’re children are grown. Why can’t you work together to regain that feeling of freedom but still have each other? If my h had said what you have I would have agreed with him. As a mum I completely lost myself too and dedicated my life to my family. There’s nothing wrong with wanting personal freedom but I would never choose to throw away my family in its pursuit. Have you tried talking to your wife about this?

I agree, my H had no hobbies and I used to get frustrated that he never wanted to do anything, I encouraged him to do things but he would for a couple of weeks and then stop.
He now says I only wanted him to sit on the sofa and he has a life to lead.
The reality is he could have done anything (within reason) and I would have supported him but he chose to do nothing and now apparently that's all my fault for not noticing how unhappy he was 🤔.
Is he doing anything different now, not really just sat on a different sofa, going to the pub alone (he used to go occasionally with friends and with me before) and now spending time with the OW although seems to just go to her house or has been seen where we used to go out which is weird.
I think if you're not happy, speak up, gave a conversation and see if there are compromises that can be made before destroying a family. If my H had been willing to talk, suggest changes, and at least try instead of looking elsewhere and lying and betraying me we wouldn't be in the awful situation we are in now,

Everything you’ve said VivaVegas I agree with. My h is a fool and a coward. I’d have eagerly made changes to our lives to make him feel happier and probably would have enjoyed myself more too. I supported him in everything and his deception meant I had no idea what he was planning and no chance to save us all from so much pain. My h has made such selfish decisions which are unforgivable. We never argued and he had no reason not to just talk to me. Whenever he wanted to go out I encouraged him! I’d drop him off so he could have a drink and never complained!! He spent a lot of time on the sofa too!
I think his lies are his way of removing any feelings of guilt about what he’s done. It’s easier for him to rewrite his version of our marriage so I’m painting as the baddie. I’m at the point when I don’t care what lies he tells his OT as our children know the truth!

Have just spent the evening weeping 😞 I’m currently waiting for my court date and my lawyer received a financial offer from my h at 6pm. The last 2 letters have been received at 6 on a Friday too which seems like he’s making sure I can’t discuss things with my lawyer then have a whole weekend of worrying. Anyway his financial proposal is 47% of assets to me with no spousal allowance and it actually said he’d pay basic child support “from time to time!!!!” I continue to be hurt by his cruel selfish behaviour and total lack of care about his family’s financial future. My middle DC also said he’d been texting her reassuring her that he’d always make sure her and her younger brother were financially ok but purposely missed out our eldest daughter!!! You don’t get to pick and choose which children to support!!! I just want this over. I want enough money to live and bring up my children alone! I want to not be shocked/ hurt by him anymore. He got what he wanted- to run away from our marriage and all responsibilities so why does he continue to dig in the knife!!! I want to start the next chapter of my life- I need to move on but he seems determined to not make it easy for me to escape! 😢

So sorry Jem and what a coward by sending them at that time on a Friday.
Is there any justification why you should get less than 50%? I would reject it. I don't know much about spousal maintenance other than I think it's rare but if the DC are still dependent then he has to pay regular maintenance for them not just when he chooses.
Do you have a solicitor and what have they recommended?
If you are having the DC living with you most of the time and had a lower paid job to enable you to care for the DC I would be asking for 60/40 in my favour.
Don't let him ruin your weekend but I understand where you are coming from as it just feels like every week they inflict some more misery on us, with no care about the impact of their actions.

Thank you VivaVegas. Have emailed my solicitor and asked to meet early next week. All 3 of our DCs have stayed with me every night since my h left. He’s not invited them to stay and they are adamant that they never will. He’s not seen our eldest DD since October and our DC has not seen him alone as a dad since last November! Ive has to find money to buy all new school uniform, sports kit, shoes/ trainers ... had our eldest’s bday in August and our DC’s birthday is weeks away. It’s so hard to be without money all summer! I feel so much anger towards my h! I found out last night that he texted our DDs last week claiming to have survived surgery for his appendix. He said that after having toxins in his blood it made him think how THEY should stop being so bitter towards him!! They didn’t tell me as they couldn’t believe he wasn’t saying it made him think about what he’s done and beg to see them!!! I’m not even convinced it’s true and nor were they!! Had another sleepless night and feel so rotten today that I’m going to go have a nap. Xxx

Hi, I turned 50 in April and my DH of nearly 24 yrs has decided that he doesn’t feel loved anymore and has left last Tuesday and is currently moved in with his mum! I am home with 8 yr old twin boys, one with special needs and very low confidence. We have been to a counsellor last week and got one planned this week. Last session, he brought out things like how a text I sent him was only a shopping list from 6 months ago and even he agreed its all petty but has been building up. I am not looking forward to the next session as it seems like everything I do is wrong and it’s really impacting on how I feel about myself. My intuition is telling me it’s over. Oh and btw, we haven’t had much sex for 5:6 years as he has suffered from ED which is claims is not ED just performance anxiety caused by me. I on the other hand decided that our marriage was important enough not to worry about sex and to support him. The worst is he says it has been going on for 2 yrs but I only got to know if this last week when he said he wanted to leave. So that’s my story. Just looking for support from others going thru similar.

Hi Twinmumle3 we’re here for you. Sadly i know how it feels to suddenly find out that my hs has felt that way for 2 years apparently but I had no idea!!! My h made me feel so worthless. My self esteem hit rock bottom in the first few months and I too went to a counsellor where my h said things that hurt me even more. I was blamed for everything and he twisted the truth so much I actually began to doubt myself. It’s not your fault- a marriage needs honesty and effort from both people. Whatever you decide to do don’t let him blame you xxxxx

Just about to start this whole process and feel very very frightened.Ex-h has taken early redundancy so income is zero for child maintenance. Suspect he's negotiated early access to pension.

Would people advise giving up any pension claims for the house or surrendering house to have pension claim?

I am so confused, shaking and can't think straight.

Sorry - just realised I hijacked this thread. Will open my own post. Not thinking straight at the moment ...

Feistyfifties you didn’t hijack this thread - you’re very welcome xx As I’m a low earner ( a teacher) my mortgage capacity is low so I’m trying to get the house not the pension so I’m not stuck in a rental cycle and have a home for my 3 DCs. I figure I’ll worry about my pathetic pension later on!! I’ve got 15/20 years more work (I’m 45) and hope 1 of my children will be financially successful to look after me!!!

I'm over 50 earning mid 20s as had to start again and retrain when we separated 2 years ago. I've no chance of getting a mortgage now given age and salary and have no pension of my own as I gave up FT work to support him in his career/looked after children.

@feistyfifties make sure you get advice. The starting point is to records all assets, debts and income. Pension pots can easily have values in the 100s of thousands if it's a good occupational pension. A £30k a year pension will have a value of around £600k for example. Knowledge is power when settling finances.

I feel so stupid at the moment. H been seeing OW for a while apparently. Just let me think we'd grown apart and had me telling everyone including DC this. I feel so betrayed still. I honestly thought we could be open and amicable and fgs I'm still making his supper and have messed about money to help him move out only a few weeks ago. If I knew he'd had OW I wouldn't have bothered. Dc were feeling sad that he was 'on his own' at night.. he's just lying to everyone. I assumed he would have someone reasonably soon but not this soon infact prior. He wants me to put unreasonable behaviour on petition... I think I know what to put now

Joselyn I know how you feel, H has finally fessed up to the OW the one he's been sneaking round with behind my back for a year.
Lying to me, his family and his son.
Absolutely disgusting and told him so yesterday.
He only admitted it as he'd been seen twice with her by 2 of my friends in places he shouldn't have been (more lies) he's now saying I'm stalking him so again trying to deflect the blame into me.
Idiot!

VivaVegas I’m so sorry that all your suspicions are true. I just don’t get how my h lived a double life. I truly didn’t see anything was wrong! Now I’m questioning so many things and memories. At least it’s made it easier to accept my marriage is over. I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. If the OW knows the truth then they’re just as bad as each other and if she believes his lies I’m sure she’ll find out and I hope she runs a mile. I am a bit bitter and do wish him not to be feeling loved up and happy whilst I now am struggling to rebuild my self esteem!!

I have a massive dilemma. Before I found out H had OW I'd asked him if he wanted to join us on a short break. I was trying to please DC and didn't see harm in it for anyone. Now I'm just gonna have to get on with it. I can't believe how I let myself be deceived and how stupid I feel. I dont want to disappoint kids.
How can guys move on so easily and not think it morally wrong or disrespectful. He really sees no wrong in it. I know we've separated already but it's not been long and an appropriate time hasn't passed or is that just a woman's view. Help