Divorce advice - DC at uni, long marriage

[Time4change2018]

Hi.
Long time lurker looking for some realistic impartial advice as my sister is filling my head with ideas based on her divorce 10+ years ago and i need to know realistically what I may or may not get.
Background... married 25 years in my mid 50s... he moved out around Christmas last year. Before that had been on sofa/ spare room for 2 years so. Technically moved in with OW but we'd been all but seperated for years.
I worked before 2 x Dcs came along, hairdresser. Didn't work again until DCs were in secondary school.... he would have preferred me to work sooner and can see over the years this has caused resentment. Work pt now in term time role. DCs now at uni, youngest starting this term. When he moved out he said he'd continue all financial arrangements (mortgage, all bills and household allowance) while dc at home before uni but now this is changing I know things are going to change.
So I'm worried what will happen and how will I cope without the house money, he has said he'll give funds to DCs directly to help with uni living. Anyone been through similar and can give me some thoughts.
House is almost paid off but no way will I get a mortgage on my wage or age so feeling a little anxious. He will have a good pension having worked 30+ years for a good national company in managerial role. Ideally like to keep house so DCs have home to come back to on holidays etc
Thank you

Nothing was agreed regarding when house needs to be sold just it needed to be listed by xx date which it was.
Finally heard from exH pension people.... Going to cost us £800 each to set this up and could take up to 4 months which it probably will if there timescales up to now are anything to go by. I received the letter today so I'm waiting and expecting exH to flip when he gets his letter as that will potentially push the sale to August / September and mean we'll all loose out in stamp duty relief ... I know he going to say I should complete on our house sale and move in with family in short term.
As the court papers don't give a date I am assuming I don't have to ? Is there anyway he could force me ?
Thanks

Hmm if the court doesn't say anything I guess you don't technically have to move but if you have family you could stay with it might put an end to all this? For you too? If I didn't have young children the thought of being able to move out somewhere new with family would appeal greatly to me! It'd be done and there would be at least some sort of freedom? Idk but I can relate in a way. Ours is/feels complicated financially and there are so many steps to this process it sometimes drives me round the bend!!

You need to speak to your solicitor he could apply to court for order for sale I think. How much will you lose with stamp duty? Plus if you lose sale completely is there a risk you won’t achieve same sale price losing more (how is local market). Worth discussing moving into rented/air b & b if he will pay half of costs to ensure sale proceeds. I’d want it done asap so you can move on. If you lose sale and your purchase you are potentially dragging things on for another 6 months.

There is no way he'll pay anything for me to move or my storage because he's annoyed already at the hold up of things and he's not working. I know he'll suggest staying at my parents or siblings for the short time as there is only me - both DC are in accommodation by uni / work.
I really want rid of our contact & arguing but these are more costs to me.
I know the buyer is keen to move but I cannot see them pulling out as they want to develop the land at the side ... But I suppose if it goes too long they might get cranky especially if it effects stamp duty

Anyone with suggestions ....
ExH is asking me to find / agree a solution to the ongoing timescale

He suggests
1 - I complete & exchange on house asap and move out / in with family / pay for storage (approx £350 for 2/3 months)
2 - wait it out but agree now in officially with solicitors involved that I'll absorb stamp duty for buyer of our house if it goes into Sept (£3250)
3 - he can apply to court for judge to essentially sign the paperwork and force me out.

He would prefer option 1 to free up his money asap and draw a line under our financial affairs.
I'm loosing out either way aren't I .... His patience is shot he says because I wasn't open about the draw down and have essentially prevented him from making a buying decision. He says if he buys going forward unlikely to be through before stamp duty ends and it'll cost him more for trying to do the right thing and help keep the sales process simple ....

Any ideas or other solutions ?

Option 1!
Not surprised his patience is shot.
Just move

1. Seems like a no brainier if you have got family who you can stay with. £350 is nothing in grand scheme of things. You just need to sell then you can all move on.

I think option 1 will is a goer given the circs. Just think, you'll be done

1. Just. Get. On. With. It.

For the sake of your kids who will be in the middle of the fall out. Do 1 ASAP

What did you agree on OP?

Nothing yet sorted.
1 more question from our buyer before they will say ready and we need to start talking dates.
I've senn my advisor and pension stuff / ID sent and fee paid.
My advisor thinks it'll only take 6 weeks.
I really don't know who or what to think. If I had a definite date to work on I'd feel happier making decisions.
I suggested to exH he could allow me to use the house money to buy my new house and reimburse him when my pension comes through but I suppose unsurprisingly he said no .... Said clean break and as I've been so difficult and haven't been open with him re draw down or where I'm moving too he's not prepared to even entertain the idea

6 weeks sounds positive op. I don’t think ex lending you money is feasible even if he was willing you’d need an agreement and probably a charge on your new property which would be expensive/delay matters. Where you live post divorce is your business but I can see where he is coming from the delays from pension. I don’t understand why you didn’t mention that and if he didn’t know what you were buying he could have assumed you were purchasing something cheaper just from sale proceeds. Good luck nearly there. I’d try and keep things amicable as you will see him at weddings, christenings etc in future.

It's £350 for storage, a tiny tiny fraction of what you've taken him for already through the various delays. Can't you just accept that?

Things are getting heated. I do not want to move into my parents or siblings house because of covid and my jobs nor pay for storage. ExH is refusing to even consider the idea of letting me use money from sale in short term - basically said it's a clean break mortgage, I've not engaged with him and said my omission to say I was drawing down caused him to make certain financial decisions he'd otherwise not have made. Plus he said he'd not be loaning anything anyway without solicitors involved and a daily interest charge plus an order against the house incase I go back on agreement - I just want to move to my new house as quickly and cheaply as possible.

He sent a text saying I need to consider again moving or he'll be considering applying to the courts to get this through. I showed DC as they have a right to know they might be evicted. DC called ExH & he spent over an hour talking through everything - said I either need to give the full picture or nothing but picking and choosing is manipulative. I'm not, I'm scared I'll be pushed and DC need to know what he's like.

ExH has now set up a group WhatsApp for all communication re house to go through so DC can see and be involved in everything.

Does anyone know if he can actually force it in the courts when I'm not refusing I'm just waiting for my pension money to buy ?

He's said he'll be moving back in if this is delayed further as relations with GF deteriorated due to this - I think they want to buy together and she has had enough of this dragging on. Can I stop him moving in as we are divorced ?

Also saying if they split he'll be buying alone and it'll start a new chain because he won't then pay for storage if I refuse. .... All a bit messy

Oh dear this all sounds very stressful. He could very well move back on as he still owns it.
I really would just move out to get this done and it's also not fair of you to bring your adult DC into this and get them to ring their dad to try to negotiate for you!

You need to speak to your solicitor. Yes he could apply for order for sale. Realistically I would expect it to take longer than pension monies being received to get a hearing date but he may decide to apply as he doesn’t know what else you might come up with eg oh I’ve now lost my purchase with the pension delay, I can’t find anything suitable, there’s something come up on the survey so I’m not buying.
He is correct re monies - even if you were on good terms and he was minded to loan monies there would have to be legal agreement re loan and a charge on your property. You were saying you didn’t want him to know your address so it’s a none starter. Legal fees for you to do this would be far more than storage charges plus the time.
As he jointly owns house until sold then yes he can live there.
Involving adult DC seems inappropriate. I understood they were adults with jobs and own housing. So they aren’t being evicted?? If one is still a student then they can stay at Uni or stay with him if your purchase isn’t sorted for end of term.
Best solution for you moving to new house as quickly and cheaply as possible is move in with family (most people your age and older will be double vaccinated now) and pay storage fee.

If you don't want to move in with your family for a few weeks, you could get an Airbnb. Yes it will cost you some money but it has cost your ex a lot of money supporting you for years after separation because you refused to get going on divorce... Also probably you're still better off renting or paying for storage than missing the stamp duty deadline

Otherwise he probably will just move back into the house which he is legally allowed to do.

Looking back you’ve said DC are 23 and 21. Eldest has job and own housing. Youngest is graduating about to start masters and has a bf. So plenty of options.
I do think it’s disingenuous to be saying they are being evicted. I’ve said this previously but I’d try to keep things amicable you are almost at final hurdle. I’d think of bigger picture it will benefit you all if you can be civil as your paths will cross at weddings, grandchildren’s parties etc.

You are completely and utterly in the wrong! Even more so for bringing your adult children into it

You are just making excuses. Put your stuff in storage and move out for a while!

Hopefully he does move back in- wouldn’t blame him at all

Goodness, I’d get on with it. Aren’t you sick of hearing/thinking/having to devote brain space to this? What if the purchase of the property you want to buy falls through? Will it then be months down the line for you to find another and finally leave the house? A few months pain (living with family and paying for storage) must surely be worth escaping this stressful situation.

I am really struggling to understand your mindset op. He left 2017 and you say you’d been separated in same house emotionally and physically for at least 2 years before that. It’s a long marriage come to an end when DC’s left for Uni as unfortunately sometimes happens. He’s not been abusive. He continued to pay mortgage and bills even for your food for at least 2 years post him leaving the matrimonial home which he didn’t need to as DC were adults at Uni. He’s paid many thousands more than necessary and given you years to get sorted. You are an adult with a job. I’m not surprised he has now reached end of tether. All your posts read poor me with no sense of urgency. You should frankly accept a bit of inconvenience eg moving in with family and a few hundred pounds for storage - he’s been very fair and patient with you, time to reciprocate in some way now. Moving house is never straight forward.

How's it going? Did you move house?

So it's done. The house buyer put pressure on because his mortgage offer was running out & he'd not get another for a number of weeks... So we completed & I was allowed to stay for 10 days in the house as that's when I thought my pension / money would be ready. It wasn't so I ended up asking new house sellers could I rent from them until it was done - they had moved out to family due to my assumption I'd be done quicker ( they are buying later in the year)
Ex was hateful ... We split items, I took what I needed for new house he decided to sell the rest as he didn't have space for them. We needed a skip for the junk / old toys etc. He ordered it.

So final row rumbles on ... I've not paid him for half the skip because he's made hundreds on the house items he sold. He says we agreed half so what each dies with their half of house items is there business and I should honour paying half as I agreed on the day it was ordered ! I know it's picky but I don't want to.
I need to see him in a week or so for a joint family thing with eldest and he said to bring money then or I can explain why I got half a house 160k, 500k pension, cherry picked items for house and didn't paid a bean for any of it to the children & now won't honour the final thing to just move on ... I've had a lot of costs and paying £170 ish to him just sticks in my throat.
But my sister's say he'll not push it because there was no written agreement so just to let him whistle