Divorce advice - DC at uni, long marriage

[Time4change2018]

Hi.
Long time lurker looking for some realistic impartial advice as my sister is filling my head with ideas based on her divorce 10+ years ago and i need to know realistically what I may or may not get.
Background... married 25 years in my mid 50s... he moved out around Christmas last year. Before that had been on sofa/ spare room for 2 years so. Technically moved in with OW but we'd been all but seperated for years.
I worked before 2 x Dcs came along, hairdresser. Didn't work again until DCs were in secondary school.... he would have preferred me to work sooner and can see over the years this has caused resentment. Work pt now in term time role. DCs now at uni, youngest starting this term. When he moved out he said he'd continue all financial arrangements (mortgage, all bills and household allowance) while dc at home before uni but now this is changing I know things are going to change.
So I'm worried what will happen and how will I cope without the house money, he has said he'll give funds to DCs directly to help with uni living. Anyone been through similar and can give me some thoughts.
House is almost paid off but no way will I get a mortgage on my wage or age so feeling a little anxious. He will have a good pension having worked 30+ years for a good national company in managerial role. Ideally like to keep house so DCs have home to come back to on holidays etc
Thank you

If you can get a lodger now, I would do that, even if it’s just short term. Put an ad in one of the online sites like Spare Room. The regularity of an extra income without any much extra effort will help put your mind at ease so you can tackle the scarier stuff.

daisy thats a fab idea! You can earn quite a bit tax free if you have a lodger. If its any consolation OP I'm approaching 50, I work part time. I've another two years of my degree to go and like many our age I'm going to go to work full time. Probably until I drop. You aren't alone.

Wow, when I started to read this thread from the beginning (dated September last year) I figured that by the time I got to the end, OP would have come back on to post some good news and would have been in a much better place... but nope, no such luck.

OP, you came back on the thread in the last few days to ask the same advice that you asked months and months ago, and which many people have already given you good responses to. Why are you just ignoring them? Find another job or two (it's really not that hard), go see a solicitor, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I wish I had the luxury of working part time and having my husband provide a car and pay for fuel and pay bills and stuff.

Can't help people that don't want to help themselves... I have no sympathy.

Gosh I do feel hard done by. After 20 years with former husband, I was left with 4 kids and total responsibility for everything. Although I'd always worked part time for the entire time, I had to quickly step up and now work 2 jobs, it's 60 hours a week, averages over 6 days per week. All 4 children are still financially dependent on me. Dad still absent from their lives.

Definitely time for the OP to start supporting herself. OP has been immensely lucky to have been financially supported by an ex partner for such a long period.

The bottom line, OP, is that you can't maintain a 50s housewife lifestyle without a husband. You can either get a full time job or you can remarry a man who wants and can afford to support a 50s housewife. Jobs are more plentiful than men in that position.
Think outside the box. You could use your contacts at the school where you work to offer before or after school care for a few children. Or consider trying some care homes, they always seem to be hiring.

So to update and ask some more advice please ... I have managed to up my hours by 5 a week which I know isn't a lot but it's a start, work cannot give me more. I work in an education setting so long holidays I no longer need but have grown used to especially as children are off uni and about more and I see my elderly parents more. I need to find something else or an additional job too.
I have had the miam and we've had our first mediation session, I need to complete a form e about finances and return before our next session. I've spoken to a solicitor who wants £1000 up front ! Is this usual and normal? I have asked him to pay this, he has refused ! He says his solicitor is doing a set fee less than £1000 as we are doing mediation and he's paying the court costs.
As he's offered the money for the car would I be wrong to use that toward the solicitors when I get it as he's giving this so I have a car and can pay insurance for me and children ? Thank you

The form is easy to complete, just do it yourself for free.

As he's offered the money for the car would I be wrong to use that toward the solicitors when I get it as he's giving this so I have a car and can pay insurance for me and children

If you use the car money, what is your plan for transport? Something tells me that you'll be going back to him further down the line asking him to provide a car.

@Notbeingrobbed it is possible for children to sue either or both parents for maintenance at university (provided they are under 25). It’s not covered by CMS, they need to raise a court action. I know people who have done it but they were already estranged from the parent they were suing

Presumably if he is buying a car and insuring it for you and the children, this is not money meant for you alone. You cannot just use it for yourself. It would be deceitful to your children and ex to use it for a solicitor. If you did this and I was your ex, I would absolutely stop all this gratuitous support to you and let you deal with your own finances and your own financial decisions.

If you decide to use a solicitor you will have to pay for it from your income and your money. If you can’t afford it and refuse to up your income then you are not able to pay for it. This is a reality your ex is facing.

Hope things are going well for you and your children?

@Time4change2018
How are you getting on op?

Hi
Thanks for asking.
So DCs are back at uni, final year for oldest. As per his notice in May he stopped paying all household bills in September so this month was my first month paying all household bills, shopping, running the car etc ..... it's unbelievably tight and I'm using my savings so not sure how long I'll be able to keep this going. I suppose it's given me food for thought about if I can keep the house long term or how much I need to warm per month to be able to.
My solicitor is as prompt as I'd like and delayed responding to his about the pension actuaries report do that means he's cancelled the next mediation session. I had hope going and talking I might get him to take some of the bills back for a few months but it's apparent with less and less contact from him that he solely wants to sort the finances long term and get this done.
Feeling a little low, lost etc .... DCs both have new friends, relationships, oldest is renting with friends 15 min from home but I don't see them from one week to the next.
They have been over to his new home now, not met her yet but says the house is nice and cosy and enjoyed the dinner. A new recipe for them to cook at uni they like it so much. Little ashamed really that I didn't cook at home more or teach them more as they've been there once and are chefs !
Sorry just grumbling

If you have a car and a solicitor, your money is really not tight. Tight is having no car, self representation, not being able to afford public transport, not buying any clothes for at least 12 months, not buying coffee or anything takeaway for at least 12 months, all that despite working 60 hours a week.

I do not understand why you don't just cooperate with the settlement process instead of holding it up and why you are not working full time.

For goodness sake Nlds the OP is obviously struggling...we are all entitled to our own version of "tight"...bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.

Time, it will be ok, it's all overwhelming and probably making you feel very anxious but I think you need to accept that your ex really is out of the picture and focus on how you can be self sufficient. Do this and the anxiety will be replaced with confidence.

It's a shame that you were encouraged to post an update, did so, then got berated.

Good luck

Thank goodness after all this time of burying your head in the sand you are actually doing something.
Since your children's main home is with you during uni I am wondering about the financial support he is giving them? From my own experience when my 2 applied for funding for uni it was based solely on my low income as they were living with me.
If this is all going through the courts to come to a financial settlement you will be spending thousands and you both need to meet your own costs.
Filling Form E is a nightmare and very costly if a solicitor does it on your behalf.
Despite being a sahm for years, albeit keeping up with some supply teaching I was completely clueless about our finances. Having spent 7k getting to the first hearing I decided to self represent. This ended up over the years in 7 court appearances, 2 variation's of sm and 2 final hearings. It took over my life, but no one will ever care as much about your case as you do.
I was fighting for what was fair and eventually was able to buy a smaller home with enough room to give my uni aged children a room.
I would say your argument could be that your ex has set a precedent by being able to afford to financially maintain you since the split.
I would also say your biggest hurdle is proving that you cannot increase your hours or find a better paid fulltime job. If you are fit and healthy you will be expected to financially maintain yourself.
You need to be seen to be doing your utmost to maximise your income and provide physical proof of all the jobs you are applying for.
Is your CV up to date? Get online and start applying for jobs, Indeed is a good place to start, keep all confirmations etc of applications.
Sadly at the end of the day the house will have to go, I suggest you start looking online for suitable properties now so you can provide examples of the kind of figures you need to enable you to do so.

He was made redundant in May and hasn't worked since. His parents health is failing, they live an hour from him so I know from DCs he's been spending days each week over there as improvement are needed to the house as well hospital visits. Ex MIL is in hospital right now. He mentioned before claiming carers allowance in the short term and not working for maybe 6/12 months until parents house and care is sorted. His siblings live even further away and don't support his parents.
I suppose he's protecting his money now he's not working but at 54 it's difficult almost impossible to increase my hours to full time without changing area of work as I work in a private school with lots of holiday so I'm paid for less weeks a year and with all the other changes staying in my current role with friends feels most stable for now.
Thanks for the messages. I know piece isn't as tight as some people's but after 25+ years this feel very tight for me especially with winter fuel bills and Christmas approaching.

All you need to do is change from doing the same role in private school to one in state school...that will pay more and then take any opportunities that are going....cleaning, school kitchen, dinner lady, whatever it takes. These are ideal secondary jobs for someone of our age and who already work in school... honestly improving your financial situation is more important than feeling comfortable in your current one.

You will never be truly at peace and in a place to move on until your finances are sorted.

Staying "put" at work is not a good decision (in my humble opinion).

Sorry to raise this post again. Stil not divorced!
Solicitors raised an actuary request which took months and came back during covid so no mediating as yet since unless we want to video at £180 pH!
Ex husband suggested meeting to try hashing some things out ourselves and I agreed. We both agree the house will be sold. It took me a long time to come round to that but I cannot afford or need a house so big and long term the maintenance will cost a lot.

There are 3 periods of time the actuary did the report on for his pension, the dates my solicitor suggested and his also.
Rough idea

1. From start of his employment (before we met) to him being made redundant - longest period, highest % for me = 56%
2. From start of employment to date of separation - middle period = 51%
3. Date of relationship starting (5 years before marriage) to date of separation = 47%

He is clearly wanting option 3 as he had a house purchased and worked for company for 8 years before the start of the relationship date we agreed on. My solicitor wants to push for option 1. One half of my head wants as much as I can / entitled to but then he explained rightly I didn't work or earn or contribute financially at any point even when working and he should be allowed the few extra % for this.

Also my sister says now he's been living with new partner over 2 years I should get her financials too. He's refused and said they aren't talking finances until divorce is over and they'll think then of planning forward. Can this be ordered ? Is there a benefit ?
Thank you

New partner has nothing to do with your divorce and you have no need for their financial information

New partner income only relevant in child maintenance calculations and you won't have those as your children are now adults.

Thank you both. Could it be argued because they live in her house and she obviously pays some / all the bills his needs are less than mine in sorting the settlement?

I think that’s really grabby! You’ve had you’re head in the sand for years, refused to engaged mostly, he’s been pretty reasonable and just wants to move on!
Take 50% of the pension plus whatever split youre due on the house and work to support yourself now !
Her financials should not come into it. So you don’t / didn’t want to increase your fours but now you think it’s right that effectively she has to find your ex in order he gives you more ! You don’t have dependents.
Buy a small house, take 50% of his pension, and work to pay your way

Why do you need to know another woman’s finances? Do you think she should pay for you?

Have a read at this: www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

Really useful and practical esp if you are fairly amicable