Divorce advice - DC at uni, long marriage

[Time4change2018]

Hi.
Long time lurker looking for some realistic impartial advice as my sister is filling my head with ideas based on her divorce 10+ years ago and i need to know realistically what I may or may not get.
Background... married 25 years in my mid 50s... he moved out around Christmas last year. Before that had been on sofa/ spare room for 2 years so. Technically moved in with OW but we'd been all but seperated for years.
I worked before 2 x Dcs came along, hairdresser. Didn't work again until DCs were in secondary school.... he would have preferred me to work sooner and can see over the years this has caused resentment. Work pt now in term time role. DCs now at uni, youngest starting this term. When he moved out he said he'd continue all financial arrangements (mortgage, all bills and household allowance) while dc at home before uni but now this is changing I know things are going to change.
So I'm worried what will happen and how will I cope without the house money, he has said he'll give funds to DCs directly to help with uni living. Anyone been through similar and can give me some thoughts.
House is almost paid off but no way will I get a mortgage on my wage or age so feeling a little anxious. He will have a good pension having worked 30+ years for a good national company in managerial role. Ideally like to keep house so DCs have home to come back to on holidays etc
Thank you

Greentulips, he doesn’t owe her anything for the adult children. He moved out and told her he would support her fully until they went to university. He was paying all her bills, provides her with a care and is giving her additional money to live off. There is not a court in the land that wouldn’t expect her to up an income of £500pm now the children are 18+. In reality she could have been FT years ago.

He told her he would stop support when they went to university last year. He didn’t and she strung it out until a few months ago. He still pays all the essential bills and still presumably pleads with her to take on board basic adult responsibilities. She’s been given advice on benefits and financial support she could have if she looks after her parents.

The money he agreed to pay his sons is an issue between them and him. They clearly want to use the money as they see fit, which could involve giving it to the OP. They don’t. Instead she feeds them , sends food parcels and does their washing. If she had gone to a solicitor 2 years ago she could have gotten a settlement that continued child maintenance until after university. But she didn’t.

Her main problem is she won’t get a better paid job with more hours. She won’t see a financial adviser and she won’t see a solicitor. How on earth is that his fault.

Please see a solicitor

I don't have any legal advice, OP, but I would suggest that you let go of the idea of holding onto the family home even if you're able to. It'll be far too expensive to maintain and you'd be better off taking the equity you're entitled to and getting somewhere smaller and manageable.

Missedtheboatagain.
Well you are very wrong, not every Judge is of the same opinion.
I have 2 uni aged children and I fought tooth and nail to make sure I secured a sum large enough to ensure my children always had a roof over their heads when I managed to get my life time periodical maintenance payments capitalised.
Sotimeforchange it is still possible and there are Judges out there who realise and are sympathetic to the fact that post 18 years does not make your children financially independent.
Yours was a long marriage, you must seek a solicitors advice.

OP have you got someone in real life who can support you through mediation and divorce arrangements.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but the time has come now to get this sorted with your ex so you can both look to the future.

Ask around about a solicitor - I'm sure someone at your workplace will know someone - and make that appointment. Could one of your siblings come with you?

Best wishes

If you don’t see a solicitor, you will be an awful lot worse off.

It’s not as bad as you envisage, choose a lady solicitor as it’ll be nicer for you. I know they cost money but it’ll be worth it believe me.

Please go and seek legal advice...I've been through this recently (also in my 50s) and I know how terrifying it all seems BUT honestly taking some control is the key to feeling stronger...once you've faced your fear and spoken with a solicitor (I had a lady solicitor, it felt easier somehow) you'll feel so much better.

The thinking about it is the worst part...just do it...you'll be surprised how good it feels.

This could have all been sorted out months ago if you just did as advised and went to see a solicitor.

Your ex’s patience will soon run out and he will just stop paying for everything and then you will be in a very bad financial situation.

You need to sort something out and stop sticking your head in the sand hoping things won’t change, because that is inevitable.

With good legal advice you may be able to negotiate something you are both happy about with your ex.

I also get the strong impression that you have not even tried to look for a better job, you need to stop pretending things can stay as they are, you are very lucky your ex is a reasonable man and has let this drag on for eight months but if you continue to refuse to even try to change or help yourself at all I imagine he will become a lot less reasonable very quickly.

You are an adult, you are single and you have to start taking responsibility for your own bills, get a proper job or start claiming benefits so that you can pay for yourself, the longer you continue as you are the more likely it is he will just suddenly stop paying for everything.

Thank you for kicking me up the arse ... I have booked MIAM in readiness for mediation. Can anyone tell me their experience and calm some of my fears please?
I know its not happening fast as others have said but all of a sudden he is losing his job, I am losing the company car I had with his job and he has given me a timeline/deadline. Said he'll give me £5000 for a car when he gets his payout and pay the bills for the summer but from 1st Sept he is stopping that as he cannot keep paying the household bills, food allowance and his bills at the house he shares with her as he won't have an income until he finds something. Feel like I'm sinking

Anyone,please ?

He has been very reasonable. You have been given a lot of notice - make use of it. Apply for anything and everything from dog-walking and shop work to online transcription. If you can type on here, you can do that. In the meantime, advertise for a lodger.

Have you got a budget in place now? When you know how much you need to cover the bills? Moneysavingexpert is good in this area.

I realise this sounds like a big step, but you need to accept the house needs to be sold. I think burying your head in the sand is a major issue, and you HAVE to do this.

Your ex has given you loads of time to sort this so now is having to leave you to sort it yourself.

You have to accept that you don't have the money to run the current house. You need a pension, and an income. You need to split all this down the middle and not hang on to the life you once had.

oh and get yourself a good lawyer, they can do all this for you!! They will help.

Sorry OP but this should have been sorted a long time before and now it's crunch time especially if he is being made redundant. How do you expect him to continue to pay for you if he has no job? You have to accept that burying your head in the sand will only impact you more and more

Go and see a solicitor and accept that a divorce will happen. Start actively looking for means to increase your income.

He is being more than reasonable. You need to get your rear in gear and get a blooming job. You keep saying that you can't, can you retrain? Its not too late to update your skills.

I know, I know I've been burying my head but I have booked an appointment now for MIAM. Can anyone tell me what happens and what to expect.
Want to minimise solicitor input to maximise money I'll keep and not have to line their nests.
The bills in total from what he has said are about £400 pm and that doesn't include running a car and I only earn £500pm so I need to increase my income over next 3 months and realistically need to double it to afford bills, car and food.
I'll maybe have to look into a second job or a totally new job as only part time, term time. I've grown used to having long breaks from work with DC but I fear now my last 15 years of working life will be more full time than ever.

I've grown used to having long breaks from work with DC but I fear now my last 15 years of working life will be more full time than ever.

I have worked full time since I was 16 years old. It's nothing to fear and working part time in my opinion is a luxury for a healthy adult that should only be taken if you have the means to support that lifestyle yourself. You Ex will have to work full time. Sorry but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking action now.

Want to minimise solicitor input to maximise money I'll keep and not have to line their nests. Given that you haven't consulted with a solicitor to get an idea of what is feasible and realistic I think that may be to your detriment. You are relying on your Ex being good natured and putting you first.

You need to find out what the bills are now. Why don't you know for sure? If you want to keep the house then you should know how much that will be otherwise you have no idea whether a settlement would be realistic for that to happen or whether you need to think about selling the house.

Yes, you will have to work. It won't kill you.

You need a solicitor's advice as they would be the only people qualified to let you know about your full legal rights/entitlements. There will be information there you wouldn't have otherwise known and they can walk you through it

If you want to make economies, count down on something else but not this.

*cut

Focus on the positives, you are healthy, you are still young and your ex sounds very reasonable. For that you are very fortunate. Have that at the forefront of your mind, not the negatives. Get a journal and write all the positives every day. It really does change your brain to be less anxious.

For the pre meeting she/he will just go through the mediation meeting and what info you need. It is a chance for you to ask questions.

Do you know house value? Is there anyone like your sister who can go through finances with you. Unfortunately you have not acted like an adult for years BUT you are and more capable than you think.

Do you know house value, his pension value, savings etc. Essentially these are added up and then split. I suspect you will have to sell the house but it depends on how big it is and what his pension is.
A solicitor will help you before actual mediation or you can go afterwards once you know the figures. Your ex may pay you a lump sum to assist with living costs until your income increase. £1000 per month living expense isn't too hard to earn, £50 per day.

Everyone learns eventually to live as an adult and deal with life and so will you. It is not as scary as you think.

It is important you don't feel bitter, your Ex seems so fair and the deserves to be able to move in with his life. You may get an enormous sense of achievement to be solo so embraced the change rather than fear it.

Have you always feared change? Keep this thread going I think it could be a great journal for you to see how much you have grown.

You could walk into any care home or agency and get a job. You clearly have some experience in this field. You could do this today.

I was a SAHM when my exH and I split up and I accept if was less terrifying for me because I hadn't been at home long.

I found it very helpful to break each task down and then achieve something every day towards my goal.

As for my own situation, I have a much smaller house than I was used to but it is perfect for me and my two sons. Any bigger and I would struggle to keep on top of it all.

If the house is too expensive and larger than you need, well, most of the equity is paid off - I would imagine you could, with a good share of equity, downsize to a mortgage free property (depending on what you are in now, possibly with spare room(s) for the kids). New start, your own place and much cheaper to run - win-win-win. And you will still have a car.

Go and look for full-time work. You really aren't that old. Why should your ex be expected to work full time and you don't? Don't fear it, go for it. Go and see a solicitor, go and see a financial advisor, go and see a benefits advisor. They will be best equipped to help you work out your position going forward. Don't scrimp on advice, be informed. Don't count on being told what the bills are in the meantime. Ask for the details. Take over them. See if you can't get better deals or trim them back.

Show your children and yourself you can do this.

You will get used to working more hours, it's a bit like exercise it gets easier once you do more..honestly it does and it can be so enjoyable

Sounds like alot of the household adult stuff has all been done and paid for by your husband. I wonder if there was a time before you met you did any of this stuff ?
You said maybe it's time to look for another job , you did say months ago you couldn't find one. Obviously the whole thing is distressing you are totally out of your comfort zone having to deal with this sort of stuff most people just get on with. Start with one bit at a time say house insurance and work from there. You need to be ready what if your husband can't get a job or one that pays nearly as much as his last , he might not be able to pay for the kids either.