Divorce advice - DC at uni, long marriage

[Time4change2018]

Hi.
Long time lurker looking for some realistic impartial advice as my sister is filling my head with ideas based on her divorce 10+ years ago and i need to know realistically what I may or may not get.
Background... married 25 years in my mid 50s... he moved out around Christmas last year. Before that had been on sofa/ spare room for 2 years so. Technically moved in with OW but we'd been all but seperated for years.
I worked before 2 x Dcs came along, hairdresser. Didn't work again until DCs were in secondary school.... he would have preferred me to work sooner and can see over the years this has caused resentment. Work pt now in term time role. DCs now at uni, youngest starting this term. When he moved out he said he'd continue all financial arrangements (mortgage, all bills and household allowance) while dc at home before uni but now this is changing I know things are going to change.
So I'm worried what will happen and how will I cope without the house money, he has said he'll give funds to DCs directly to help with uni living. Anyone been through similar and can give me some thoughts.
House is almost paid off but no way will I get a mortgage on my wage or age so feeling a little anxious. He will have a good pension having worked 30+ years for a good national company in managerial role. Ideally like to keep house so DCs have home to come back to on holidays etc
Thank you

Do you have your own independent solicitor?
I’m going through a similar process and most well meaning advice from relatives and siblings is wrong.

Knowledge is power! Find the money from somewhere to pay for advice. £5k spent now could save you £100k down the line. £180ph zoom meditation could save you a lot of hassle and mark out the areas for discussion for both parties.

Find some fire in your belly and go for it. You’ll only get one chance to do this. You’re a similar age to me, and I plan to live the second half of my life in a way I want to!

It might sound grabby but why should I lose out to him. If he gets another job (caring and covid permitting) he could get £250/300 a day consulting. I can't earn that.
I have a solicitor. I made a mistake not getting a set fee because she charges so much even for just a question and isn't as prompt in replying or forwarding correspondence on. She is however very driven in getting me as much as I can.
My ex says she's only interested in lining her pocket and pushing it to the courts and doesn't value mediation which his solicitor seems a lot calmer and sure we'll come to an arrangement at mediation.

There isn't much in savings as such just house and pension. It's the pensionable dates we are not agreeing on as yet. He feels he's already given a lot in generously paying the bills post separation until he was made redundant be and the date he wants as the start date is over 4 years before we married. He says I need to give something or he'll start pushing for the date to be when we brought the house together, 2 years before marriage or date of marriage.
Any thoughts on the dates that sound reasonable ?

No one is suggesting don’t take what you’re due
But you’ve not engaged
You’ve delayed
You’ve been resistant to work
He’s continued to lay and support you
Now you want to use another womans earnings to justify you getting more
I think he’s been more than fair this far

What is wrong with you? You still don't work full time and now you want another woman who does work full time to subsidise your life because you can't get enough money from your ex because he has been made redundant. I can't believe the audacity of wanting to know what your ex's new partner earns so you can try and get more money from him via her.

You have absolutely no excuse not to be financially independent, I am surprised you STBEX has put up with it this long.

You get what you are legally entitled too and the court will expect you to work full time unless you have serious health issues.

Hello again
Its been a while since I've updated
Stil not divorced but progressing.
Mediation completed mid November - agreement on financial split. Memorandum of understanding done.
Solicitors have drawn up papers for the courts so I guess the next step is the divorce to be sorted, sorted.
In mediation we agreed to put the house on the market by end of January. Didn't feel the time rapidly approaching until exH called to arrange for Estate Agents to value the house. I'd asked him to leave it until after Christmas with the children being home and our last at home. So he contacted beginning of Jan and had been like a dog with a bone since .... I'm feeling really stressed.
Valuations done and agreed vendor. House went on 31st Jan so exactly on time. Sold in a week 15k over asking price. Now exH is pushing, he says asking when will I be finding a property so the chain and progress.
I can't see anything right now, viewed a couple but I'm not even sure what area I want to live in. I don't want to rent as it's dead money. But what if I can't find anything I like - what happens, can he force me out ?
The buyer is cash and exH is saying he'll pull out if I don't get a move on. If he pulls out exH States he's going to move back in. States he's sick of me living in half of his financial security and if I'm not going he'll move in. Can he do that after do long ?
Thank you

Just rent. For 6 months, so you can breathe and take stock. Then you’ll have cash in the bank and be ready to move when something comes up. The housing market is very flat atm, but it’ll pick up in the spring/ summer.

To be honest you sound like a right pain! I'm surprised your exh has been so patient.

I think he can move back in yes as he presumably co owns it.

I guess the next steps would be for him to see court order to force the sale of the house, given you have gone back on your agreement.

Ffs this still going on?!
Stop making excuses and just get on with it !
Your ex has been a saint and you a pita

If I was him I’d move back in and reduce any offers of money I’d give you

I really don't want to rent. I've taken on another job now so I'm work 7 days a week albeit it not full time. My earnings barely cover the bills, food etc and I'm only just in positive numbers at the end of each month so I don't want / can't take on a mortgage and buying is purely from the money from the house so renting just depletes that by at least £700 pm plus 2 x moving costs or storage. I'm already worrying about maintenance costs and house insurance on top of that plus car costs.

I get the impression he wants this moved along because his new partner is pushing it, he lives with her. His wording and tone is becoming less like he's always been and a lot more blunt.
He's basically said there are only so many properties in the area & price range so either pick one asap or rent / move in with parents / sister.
Its a lot to process so quick, I'm working all the time and didn't expect the house to sell so quick. I'm sure the buyer will start pushing too but I just can't see where to go without loosing money renting 1st.
He's also said we need to discuss splitting the household / garage items for when the house is cleared - I need those for my new place he doesn't need them because he's already living with her. Its just feeling pretty and like he wants to wrap this up now.
How long will it take now for the judge to agree the final order ? Apparently all our actions need to be completed in 3 months of that date.

I image he wants this moved along as it's been a long time now and he is losing patience. He tone is reflecting that. There is a lot to be said for keeping g things amicable but it involved both parties making compromises and I think you are in risking being on pretty hostile term with your approach tbh.

It’s not quick though is it? You’ve been stalling for years!

Op
Absolutely rent for a few months till you decide what you want or where you want to live.
It's time to move on for your own sake as well as his .

You have been procrastinating for years and call it quick? Sorry but you should have an offer in by now if you want to buy or have a plan as to where you go when the sale completes irrespective of how much longer you wish to procrastinate for over your final destination. Sorry but the whole story smacks of total denial and you need to move on...

Wow 2+ years still ongoing

If you have money from sale of property
Buy a small property out right
Then you will be debt free & you will only need money for bills

Simple

I assume that your state retirement age will be 66+

Have you checked how much state pension you are due to receive ?. You can check using your insurance number on www.gov.uk
If you are in UK

Wow this post just reads “I want I want I want”

Part of being an adult is needs before wants.

Your ex has understandably lost patience with you. Why are you shocked he wants this all wrapped up? You’ve been separated for literally years. The poor bloke just wants to be divorced from you & lose this deadweight from around his neck.

Renting for a few months will not kill you - in fact it may help you get your arse into gear so you find something to buy.

You are being so incredibly unfair. You have had it far easier than anybody else on here I have read who has gotten divorced. He has been very patient & kind by financially (and emotionally) supporting you throughout this separation.

The gravy train is over - you need to grow up woman & stand on your own two feet. This isn’t a rushed situation which should come as any shock. You have been stalling for years.

Are you not at all embarrassed that even your child seems fed up with you & tells you That you need to sort things out yourself?

Your failure to thrive as a grown adult is no longer your ex’s responsibility. This is adult life.

You need to grow up, move out & stop being a drag to people around you because you refuse to adult.

There is nobody left on this forum who is not on your ex’s side now. Everyone at this point here feels sorry for him due to your stalling tactics & taking the piss out of his financial generosity during the separation process.

Had this thread not being going on for years then you would be called a troll because it is quite difficult to believe someone in their 50s can be so dense & immature, with no basic concept of how the world works.

No offense OP but you do.come across as if you are due the world.

You don't want to waste money renting? Do you think anyone renting want to? They either don't see it as money wasted or they accept that they don't have a choice. You need to do the same. Your ex owes you nothing more.

As for your expectation of him being generous because he lives with a girlfriend again, this the wrong outlook. It doesn't matter what his situation is, she doesn't have to look after him, he us entitled to get what's his.

Well done on increasing your hours at work. You now need to make the Inge and accept that you and oy you are responsible for your life. It's scary, no doubt, but you'll feel so liberated when you finally are.

Stop looking for justifications to delay the inevitable. It is happening. Now.

I read this ages ago and it's back! OP you sound like you have probably focused a lot on others - your mum and dad, your kids, and probably your oh at some stage, and you've clearly done this at your own cost, not financial, but in terms of time and other resources. And maybe this pattern is taking time to get out of. But you do now need to get out of it, scary as that sounds it may be.

I think once you're there, you'll probably enjoy it. Captain of your own ship and all that. It probably feels like a big leap but you need to make that leap!! You'll have your own place by the sounds of it, and can spend time and energy working for yourself and saving for the future. You could do some training, increase your earnings, and do your thing.

I think you sound really nice actually but have just got this way of doing things that you need to adapt slightly, to be a bit more selfish maybe.

Good of Luck! You can do this!

No house will be perfect OP. Either make offer on one this week or if nothing suitable accept you have to rent/2 lots of movers. It may work in favour as you will be a cash buyer and can pounce as soon as right property hits market. Mentally set a time limit so you don’t get stuck renting. You are very unreasonable if you allow sale to fall through especially as good price been offered. If you mess around and lose sale you may lose thousands and be worse off than renting for 6 months. If you have agreed to split contents then split it - what his gf has is irrelevant.

@Time4change2018 What was the financial settlement in the end including pensions?

If you lose this house sale because you won’t move out though you’re risking the £15k offer over asking price, housing market is starting to stall now, you could lose thousands , just bloody pull your finger out and move out! You’re doing yourself more financial harm this way but too stubborn to realise it! Also if this has to go back to court/mediation because you didn’t leave abs you can’t get another offer at the same price, he could try and claim that back from you, so that’ll be the extra few thousand above asking price, solicitor fees and maybe some or all off that £15k, just move out before you cause yourself serious financial damage!

Thank you all. I am really proud I've found a second job / another income but I am now out of the house everyday and really resent ExH. He's waiting for the money to do a buy to let and is. Going to work ad-hoc consulting and can enjoy his later years. I barely even seen the DC now. One is renting in London post grad and the other is away at uni or at GFs all the time because she's on a working placement year.
I know I need to get on with it and I really am trying but covid and my anxieties are going through the roof.
He's over in the garage twice a week sorting and clearing things for when the sale is done. He's on to the DCs about clearing / boxing up their stuff for keeping / eBay etc. It's all quite intense.

Someone asked about settlement. 50/50 house, 54% of his pension and £5k to cover my debts

He's back over today and I'm anxious already before I get home because I won't know what he's touched though if I say anything he'll offer / threatened to move in and be in our house bubble until it's all done.
Thanks all - I really am trying

It will be an intense few weeks but then on other side you will be able to own your own home mortgage free and once settled can reassess your work situation/finances. At retirement age you aren’t screwed as you get half his pension. It sounds like you have come out well from settlement. At least ex DH is helping clear garage that sounds like a plus to me. Your adult children absolutely need to get their stuff by x date or it’s tipped.
You’ve had years of not working or working part time. DH worked full time. He’s doing his part time bit now whereas you did yours earlier.

Lovely supportive post from @blackcurrantjam

Best of luck, OP, I know you feel overwhelmed at the moment but you are stronger than you know.

I have found a house & had an offer accepted. I really hope it's the place right for us. Nice couple moving to a new build in the autumn but they are moving in with family in the mean time. At least that's one side that won't be pressuring me !
Buyer of here wants to be in within 6 weeks and exH wants asap too. I have instructed another solicitor to deal with the new house. ExH suggested using solicitor dealing with sake of here but I don't want him having anything to do with it !
He's now said we need to sit down in next couple of weeks to agree list of items each are having from the house .... He's only wanting things to be difficult or to sell as he's living with gf so doesn't need a TV, sofa, chest of drawers or dining set ! I can see him getting petty now and wanting half of the kitchen knives, cutlery etc ... As he's quick to remind me he paid for it all and I never purchased anything with my earnings !
It'd easier to have everything from the house for me. Is there a price that is reasonable to offer him for all the main household items ?

My eldest moved for work in Jan, no sign of returning to sort their stuff out yet. ExH is getting storage for the garage / his items so had set DC a date they tell him if anything needs storing or he won't be offering to store stuff. He's said a few times recently I am not helping them by doing so much for them and as adults (21&23) I need to be giving them boundaries and responsibilities for their items and planning their future. He thinks I'm suffocating them.
So I think I'm going to be left storing all their stuff because they'll not let him know in time and he's paying for storage by sq ft.
Thank you