Divorce advice - DC at uni, long marriage

[Time4change2018]

Hi.
Long time lurker looking for some realistic impartial advice as my sister is filling my head with ideas based on her divorce 10+ years ago and i need to know realistically what I may or may not get.
Background... married 25 years in my mid 50s... he moved out around Christmas last year. Before that had been on sofa/ spare room for 2 years so. Technically moved in with OW but we'd been all but seperated for years.
I worked before 2 x Dcs came along, hairdresser. Didn't work again until DCs were in secondary school.... he would have preferred me to work sooner and can see over the years this has caused resentment. Work pt now in term time role. DCs now at uni, youngest starting this term. When he moved out he said he'd continue all financial arrangements (mortgage, all bills and household allowance) while dc at home before uni but now this is changing I know things are going to change.
So I'm worried what will happen and how will I cope without the house money, he has said he'll give funds to DCs directly to help with uni living. Anyone been through similar and can give me some thoughts.
House is almost paid off but no way will I get a mortgage on my wage or age so feeling a little anxious. He will have a good pension having worked 30+ years for a good national company in managerial role. Ideally like to keep house so DCs have home to come back to on holidays etc
Thank you

Congratulations on the new house.

It'd easier to have everything from the house for me. Is there a price that is reasonable to offer him for all the main household items ?

Yes, add up the cost of what the household items are then use that figure to negotiate with. What will you give him if he agrees you can keep the contents?

The contents of the house are part of the marital split. While it may be easier for YOU to keep all the contents, your ex must surely be wanting to recoup some of the lost costs of choosing to financially support you throughout the whole separation.

Because you have stalled a long time it sounds like his patience has run out & it's come as a shock to you that he isn't being as mild mannered as he had been in the past.

Discussion of splitting the home contents is pretty standard. Just because he has a home set up & doesn't need the contents doesn't make them less valuable or a reason to let it all go without negotiation.

Wow good for you OP. Get you! Instructing solicitors, a different one for your new house to draw a clear boundary. Sounds so fresh!

Re household items. If he has more means to replace things re income disparity, you have an argument for your needs going forward so take that into account.

With grown up children, there is a balance between happily storing items of importance for them and encouraging them to take responsibility. You are used to accommodating their needs so have a think about what's reasonable given their ages. I don't think you are necessarily suffocating them by still being there for them. It depends what other forms of independence you are encouraging :) it's not black and white with young 20 somethings.

It sounds like things are shifting for you! Great news

@blackcurrantjam he isn't working currently and is caring for his parents so in theory I'm now the main earner with a regular income.
But he doesn't need the items. The dining set is heavy wood, while I don't love it I need a dining table set and he doesn't. And he'll just sell it if he has it.
He's also selling items from the garage (car in pieces) that he had before we married. It was on his form E as a his asset so I know I'm entitled to any of the funds but it just seems like I'm paying out lots while he's clawing back lots.
Obviously I'll now need to pay a new solicitor, surveys etc which I cannot really afford. And need to think about moving costs.

He had his 1st house at 21 so feels we are not helping them by babying them. He's very supportive of their academic work, encourages travel and is even suggesting the eldest apply for a jobs abroad in next couple of years as his company are multi national. I'm struggling with not having them at home and being 2 hrs drive away, not sure how I'd cope if they went to UAE or China. 2nd starts masters this year hopefully and wants to work in Europe in research after ... Just feels like he's their champion and cheerleader but almost at a cost to me as I'll be losing them

OP - it must feel like you've lost so much over the past few years; DH, your sons and the family unit you made. But you said in your earlier posts that the marriage had been over for years before he left. And your boys' growing independence is a natural next step, though hard for you, it is good that they are clever and ambitious.

Now's the time to look to your future in your own home. Spring is here and the UK is gradually opening up so there will be opportunities for socialising, hobbies, making new friends. Look forward to those and your new found freedom.

And tell XH to stop being a twat and hold on to your dining furniture!

Thank you. It's really kind to say those things.

One DC returned for the weekend (onroute to see their bf for the week). I had Saturday planned just the 3 (other DC home because uni was not face to face) of us eating rubbish, catching up, little bit of sorting their stuff. exH cane over. Despite saying he'd be over Monday to have something collected he had sold he turned up Saturday after texting in the morning. I feel like he's making a point that this is his house & he'll be over if he wants (he does text usually the evening before or a few hours before). He then proceeded to speak to DC at length away from me - asking them to support us both by sorting their belongings. He was in the shed & garage most of the time but him just being here really irks me.
By the time he left it was dinner, the DC were going to bf house & back to uni next day so I missed out on a relaxed day with them.

He messaged last night - clearly chasing conveyors is his weekly thing. Tells me my ID checks are still outstanding and they have not received anything from my (buying) solicitors. Says we are 5 weeks into house being sold and I should have sorted the ID out and be on the case more. Buyers searches complete with only 2 questions which I believe is a good thing.

DC is returning from bf on Sunday am (onroute back to work) to have lunch with me for Mother's Day. ExH is now coming over to pack up DC large items they'd like in their rental and some boxes they've sorted. So again on my rest day and Mother's Day I have visions of him bring over hours before he plans to leave and just generally be around annoying me.
Sorry for rambling. I know sooner it's done I'll not have to have him in my home anymore but it's draining losing DC and the home being empty again and him being more present than ever.
Plus he's asked when can we sit and decide on splitting items. He wants decisions made before he sorts his storage and before final few weeks so it doesn't become emotional though he's happy to leave any items until final week if I need

Regarding the house contents I would be tempted to let him take his pick. He probably expects you to put up a fight so I would just call his bluff.

His new partner is not going to want your stuff so he will most likely try and sell it. That is a pain in the arse at the moment with COVID. Unless we are talking antiques, he is unlikely to get much for it.

I understand funds will be tight but do you not fancy starting afresh with some of your own furniture?
I think I would rather do without a table for a few months and then maybe buy myself a new table, even secondhand, but one that he had never had dinner at, didn’t pay for and didn’t help chose.

Also the less you take the less your removal costs will be. Let him pay for storage if he wants.

I would definitely be treating myself to new towels, bedding, crockery etc.

I am only early 50’s but I have been using lockdown to do a Marie Condo come Swedish death clean on my possessions ready for moving to a smaller home in retirement. I used to be very into furnishings etc but now I really don’t care so much.

I am not saying you should walk away with nothing.

Just try and detach and not be too emotional over letting him have the 15 year old toaster for example.

Be canny and try and get the things you really want by letting him have the things he ‘thinks’ he wants.

Look on this as a new start. You are going to be mortgage free in your own house in your 50’s. That might not be the position you wanted to be in but in this day and age that is an achievement that few manage.

Focus on positives OP nearly there. In a few weeks you will be in nice new house and he won’t ever come over. You can see your DC as you arrange with them. New beginnings. If this Sunday isn’t convenient let him know or set a time if DC needs him to help with belongings. Tell him eg dc and I are having lunch 1-3pm so not convenient or whatever.
How does he know you haven’t provided ID docs I thought you were using own solicitor for your purchase? You do need to be proactive you don’t want to jeapordise your purchase or not be ready when main house sale completes.
Re division of belongings sorting now would seem sensible? Maybe draw up a list and see if anything he specifically wants. Limit time he needs to come over. Unless there is something special or sentimental I wouldn’t get too hung up, furniture can be cheaply bought on local buy and sell or eBay.

Don’t try and guess you will drive yourself crazy.
Ask around and get a good lawyer.

It sounds annoying exdh coming over tbh 🤔 just think you can work on putting in clearer boundaries when you've got your own place

And your children sound really engaged and successful too. I suspect you have put a lot in over the years to their benefit

Thanks, yes DC are clever, really social and no doubt will be really successful.
No changes really last few weeks, I'm just finding myself getting more annoyed with him than ever and despite being so close to the end I'm struggling to find the motivation to keep going forward.
DC are getting busy with their new job / final year in degree. Planning their holidays with girl / boyfriends. Life is opening up for them post covid and now with earnings for my eldest. Both came home for Easter. I collected and I'm dropping back one today (4 hour round trip) because exH is of the opinion you either get your own car or book a train / coach. Eldest had a car gifted by exin laws but sold it because he didn't want the maintenance of it - exH said at the time I was making a rod for my back by giving so many lifts, it was no wonder the car / being independent wasn't a fun option.
They went to him & ptr yesterday. He collected them and offered an Uber back but I collected them because why risk covid when I'm home doing nothing and it's what a parent should do. They had a fine time, BBQ - apparently ptr is a great cook / host, lots of food and drinking !
So I'm dull dependable Mum, and Dad & ptr are fun. Even offered for youngest to go out with them when the bars / restaurants re open.

Buyer is almost ready on the house but my searches etc aren't complete yet. ExH is chasing weekly (v business like process now) but I just can't get over the idea of starting again, on my own with no safety net. I suppose I've been single / alone for years but knowing everything falls to me now it scary.
Just rambling sorry

And they've offered for them to go away together (in UK). They booked a large cottage in a costal town in July and said they've a room free if wanted ... So I'm no longer neede for holidays either now !

Hi @Time4change2018 you’ve done brilliantly, it’s so hard, I’m in a similar situation with my young adult kids and their father and new partner (and new puppy!) I too am dull dependable Mum with less money and still responsible for all the daily dross. My only hope is that they will look back with hindsight and know who was there for them for the day to day stuff. It hurts though and it’s not easy. Good luck moving forward.

I’m sure your DC appreciate the lifts. You’ve obviously done a fab job with DC they are happy and doing well as young adults. I can understand especially in covid times not wanting DC to use public transport. In a few weeks you’ll be in your nice new house. You can do what you want and plan nice things when DC visit or go on holiday. It will be scary but you can do it.

2 years & 7 months so far

Glad to hear that you got more work. It must feel good to be independent now.

What is the date for you to move into your new property ?

I recommend that you look on www.gov.uk and ask for a state pension forecast
This will confirm the earliest date for your state pension.
You need 35 qualifying years to receive a full state pension. You will need to check how many years you have paid for National Insurance. You can also do this via www.gov.uk

Hi OP 🙂 sounds good! Fwiw my dad took us to uni, picked us up until we just sort of said it's ok I'll get the train, then they picked us up from station. We are all very independent and the support from m and d didn't stop that at all. It was age appropriate iyam. It's just a gradual reduction in support rather than a cut off. Tbh they're supporting me in all sorts of ways at the moment with divorce and I'm sure I'll be making meals for them at some stage as they get much older. Support is fine in families . You can be supportive to another adult without making them dependent or rescuing them . I think you sound like a nice mum tbh. Always hard to tell on here obviously but I'm sure they'll appreciate you being a safe reliable other.

Ty

Update
The divorce has been granted 👍
Ex DH is super annoyed because I'm drawing down from the pension I'm getting from him to buy the house - is getting narky that I didn't tell him before and now it's adding extra time to the house sale because I need this to be sorted before I can completed. In my mind it's not his business, but he's saying and DC are agreeing with him that had he known this he'd have purchased at the same time as this additional time is putting him at risk of not buying before stamp duty ends ... I'm just annoying everyone right now.
He didn't get his paperwork for 2 weeks from solicitor re divorce and is saying the additional payment I'm dur from him in 28 days will be 28 days from when he got the notice not from the court date.
My solicitor (who I know see is just after money and I'm foolish to have not gone for a set fee) is saying I need to get the money in 28 days from court date and to let her know if he doesn't.
What can / would they do if he held payment for a while ? I'd like the money but pushing it before the house completes will upset the apple cart as he sees me as withholding information and preventing him making financial decisions for him and is threatening to buy now and set everyone back at least 10 weeks with a new chain.
Any thoughts ?

^ please, anyone ?

Hi, I don't know all the ins and outs of this and am not a lawyer.
My thoughts are that if your ex dh holds the whole process up, he is even more likely to miss the stamp duty deadline.
I am in the process of divorcing an asshole, so I know how these things are, I really do .... but just keep your eye on the prize of a life in your own home, free of him. I would be inclined to try to be conciliatory... say that you hadn't thought how your pension drawdown plans might affect him and on reflection you wish you'd said something earlier. But, given the position you are both in now, isn't it best for both of you to try to keep things moving so your ex dh still has time to beat the stamp duty deadline and you get your house? You can promise to try to move as quickly as possible from your end and let him be "right" on this occasion. That way, you get your house and he "wins" the argument (and hopefully gets his house, too).
Good advice I was given once: do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
Could well be rubbish advice, but it's what I'd be inclined to do. I've neen reading a negotiation book recently (guess who's trying to negotiate their settlement at the moment?). It's by Chriss Voss and I would recommend it, although I don't think all of the advice is applicable to a divorce. Anyway, he would suggest you going in almost over the top with a "I've been so awful and so stupid not to have realised this" - all that kind of stuff, just to get your dh's criticisms of you out there before you say anything. His theory is then that most people will then respond with something like "No, you're not stupid. I know you didn't realise..." and this should really help you reach agreement. I''m not sure you want to try that, but it might work, depending on how your husband is.

He’s been very patient with you whilst you found a place to buy keeping him informed would have made last hurdle more harmonious. What was agreement with former matrimonial home eg can he insist on completion now even if you are still waiting to buy? How/what you are buying isn’t his business if you aren’t holding up joint sale eg willing to go into rented but his business if it is. If he doesn’t pay then probably solicitors letter and ultimately back to court but realistically if it’s just 2 weeks it will probably be paid before any action to enforce.

It is unfortunately holding up the sale. Thankfully the divorce came through when it did and not in June as predicted by the court current timetable.
I've not received paperwork from his pension yet plus my financial advisor friend is away for another week. From then it should take 3 weeks ish to get the money released then I'll be in a position to exchange etc so probably another week or so after that. I'm thinking by these dates mid June if everything goes to plan.
I've too much stuff to move anywhere but into the new place because it'd mean paying for storage and I'm not doing that, the move & solicitors are costing me enough.
I know the buyer is ready now but I'm not so they'll have to wait and hope they don't pull out.

What stands out in the latest post is that it seems your children are just as desperate to end this chapter of their lives. I can see why, they want to move on and they need you both to be settled and happy.

Whether this latest snafu is your fault or not, you have lost all capital in relation to delays and prevarication. If you are saying there’s absolutely nothing you can do, then it is what it is. Explain that to them and maybe acknowledge that you have caused things to drag out but this is not the case now.

If there is anything you can do and you aren’t, then my reading of this is that you will be frustrating not just your ex but your children too. You mention all the things you do for them. Ask them what they want you to do now. I expect it is to get this split and house sale finished and to end any further acrimony developing between you and their father.

To be honest I can see frustration if sale of matrimonial home is pushed back from imminent until June and you risk losing buyer. Has nothing been agreed in divorce settlement terms of when matrimonial home must be sold by? Worse case scenario you lose buyer, lose your purchase and then whole thing drags on for months. You need to be honest re timescales and chase constantly he can chase pension paperwork. Your posts don’t read with any urgency to get this done very oh well it is what it is. You are almost there op - this final push should be your absolute priority.