Divorce advice - DC at uni, long marriage

[Time4change2018]

Hi.
Long time lurker looking for some realistic impartial advice as my sister is filling my head with ideas based on her divorce 10+ years ago and i need to know realistically what I may or may not get.
Background... married 25 years in my mid 50s... he moved out around Christmas last year. Before that had been on sofa/ spare room for 2 years so. Technically moved in with OW but we'd been all but seperated for years.
I worked before 2 x Dcs came along, hairdresser. Didn't work again until DCs were in secondary school.... he would have preferred me to work sooner and can see over the years this has caused resentment. Work pt now in term time role. DCs now at uni, youngest starting this term. When he moved out he said he'd continue all financial arrangements (mortgage, all bills and household allowance) while dc at home before uni but now this is changing I know things are going to change.
So I'm worried what will happen and how will I cope without the house money, he has said he'll give funds to DCs directly to help with uni living. Anyone been through similar and can give me some thoughts.
House is almost paid off but no way will I get a mortgage on my wage or age so feeling a little anxious. He will have a good pension having worked 30+ years for a good national company in managerial role. Ideally like to keep house so DCs have home to come back to on holidays etc
Thank you

Why do you feel this is too quick? It’s been going on for years and he’s continued to pay the bills for all this time. You’ve had plenty of time to sort out another job and yet here you are in the exact same position as six months ago. If you can’t increase your hours at your existing job have you looked for a different job altogether? What about a second job? Extra hours in a supermarket or something? Honestly you need to get a grip and take some responsibility for yourself.

Write a list of all the outgoings you have on a spreadsheet and work out where you can make savings - starting with unlocking your phone and getting a cheap sim like giffgaff. Use uswitch or another comparison site to ensure essential costs are as cheap as possible but not subject to a cancellation charge ideally.

Have you checked what assistance you can get (if any) from the state? Your council tax should be single person, and if you are low income there may be a further reduction. Your parents needs are important but it cannot be at the expense of your financial security so actively look into ways of being able to manage all household costs. I do know several people who have negotiated keeping the house in return for no claim on the pension of their ex, everything is possible with negotiation, and he sounds like he's been quite reasonable and understanding so far.

Don't ignore things as they won't go away - time to sort your finances out. Take care!

As much as you want to stay in the house can you really afford to, it sounds like you can't afford the running costs. If you moved to a smaller property all your bills would be smaller and more manageable.
I thought I wanted to stay in the family home, but actually it was bad for me I was stuck in how things had been. When I moved house it was like a weight being suddenly lifted and felt more able to really move on.

Thank you all ... I hear and understand all of what you say and in honesty I'd probably be saying the same to a friend I just seem to be unable to shake the fear he's going to leave me with nothing (despite him saying from the start he's happy to discuss and wants me set up going forward).
So he's messaged today after our conversation earlier in the week to say he's acted on wgat we discussed, taken his name off council tax and cancelled tv/broadband and has spoken to mediation and is submitting his form to have a first appointment ... he wants to know in the next week if I'll do mediation or he'll have his appointment. Apparently he days once he's dine that he can move forward with instructing a solicitor ?!?! Can he really ?

Oh my goodness just see a solicitor. Honestly, the worst thing you can do in your situation is not get legal advice. Burying your head in the sand is not working and will not work.

I mean this kindly but first thing Monday phone a solicitor and get an appointment. Use this weekend to research some good ones local to you and good luck.

OP he can go to a solicitor when he wants - he obviously wants to formalise everything, so get on the phone on Monday and make an appointment with a solicitor.

Me again... so he's been to his MIAM appointment and is pushing me to saying his certificate is only valid for 4 months so if i won't do mediation he'll start proceedings with a solicitor.
Both of his parents have been in hospital recently so that's why I think I've not heard much in the last month and I know he's under redundancy notice.... worried if he's made redundant he'll stop paying the bills immediately and the company car will go.
I've not managed in increase my hours or find a new job but I am now paying for council tax and tv/internet. Not sure how I'll cope paying out much more but I'm so paralysed with fear I can't even speak to a solicitor.
If he gets a lump sum can I get half?
Thanks

Have you gone to a solicitor?

No, I am scared and feeling pushed into it and when should this happen before DC finish uni when he said before we'd keep things as normal as possible while at uni. Feel anxious thinking of all the changes and things that might happen

How are you planning on getting half of a lump sum, or anything at all if you keep refusing to see a bloody solicitor OP?!

What have you actually done to try and find a new job/increase your hours? Have you looked for jobs that are also outside term time?

OP I understand you are feeling very overwhelmed but you must see a solicitor and start making plans. If I was your ex-dh I'd be getting very frustrated. Could you be depressed? Maybe see your GP?

You must see a solicitor and get advice, the longer you put your head in the sand the more frustrated he is likely to get and be less sympathetic to your position.
Pick up the phone and make an appointment today.

Reading all your posts and it is very stressful and tbh it really shouldn't be. But it's your procrastinating that is making it stressful.

Make it the priority over the next week to seek professional advice and get the ball rolling. You really need to for all your sakes. You will feel so much better once it is over and done with.

If you do have to have sell up and move into somewhere smaller, even if you have to downsize to a 2 bedroom home, you will be able to make it work. Dc can share a room on their holidays, or they can alternate staying with ex and you. Or even if one stays in the living room. It is not the end of the world but you need to end this.

The uncertainly and guilt you must be carrying of not dealing with it must be very hard for you.

OP, I know things are scary and difficult but you need to start planning and taking care of things. Make a list of things that need to be done. Do one thing from the list, cross it off. Then do another. You have to OP. Things are not going to sort themselves out.

Feel anxious thinking of all the changes and things that might happen

What anxieties are you having, OP? Perhaps if you list them, people can respond and ease your mind and let you know what to expect.

I've been where you are - divorced in my 50's. Honestly, if you keep putting things off , you'll do worse. You have to start acting and advocating for yourself . Get your head out of the sand and start moving - honestly you'll feel much better when you do something constructive.

Just re your parents - I can see how this is weighing on your mind, that you've been helping them out ( which is one of the reasons you haven't been working more). Well there is plenty of help in the community for them. Talk to Age UK about their needs - AGE UK can help with organising assistance for your elderly parents.

For goodness' sake, OP - you're an adult. Time to take responsibility for your own life. This man has bent over backwards supporting you far beyond what was reasonable for you to expect, while you steadfastly refuse to do anything to take responsibility for your own life. Nobody here can help you when you persistently refuse to do anything.

You aren't going to get everything you're after. It isn't your ex's responsibility to pay for you be able to look after your parents. You're getting divorced - that's nothing to do with him. It isn't reasonable to expect to keep the house, get spousal maintenance, take his pension and generally expect him to go on supporting you while you continue to work part time and refuse to start adulting. He's even been paying for your shoping, years after you split up, for crying out loud. I'm astonished that you've got away with taking advantage of him for such a long time. But everyone has their limit, and it sounds like he's reached his. So yes, he can (and should) push this divorce amd financial settlement on through the process despite your ongoing refusal to co-operate.

I know this sounds harsh (think of it as tough love), but you seriously are hurting yourself here. There is zero point you posting on mumsnet for advice when you don't then actually do something to improve your own life. You're on your web browser right now to read this - go to google, and search for a divorce solicitor near you. Then call them first thing Monday.

I divorced in my 50s with two dc and had to sell the home and downsize which I didn’t want to do but had no option. My exh didn’t pay a penny from the day he left even though he was on the mortgage.

You can’t say you are feeling ‘pushed’ into doing something as tbf your ex has been reasonable so far. Don’t hang on to his promises to see you right etc as that is all very vague and meaningless anyway.

You will probably feel better when you have seen a solicitor but you do need to be realistic. Sadly in divorce we all have to make decisions and do things we do not ideally want to do.

Your sister’s divorce has nothing to do with yours.

I really don’t know how you can even think you should get part of his redundancy. If he does lose his job and receive the money before the divorce is settled it will be down to your unwarranted prevarication and his endless patience.

Bluntly speaking your behaviour looks like you are taking the piss. But I accept you are scared and anxious. So go see a doctor.

Meanwhile in his shoes I would crack on with the divorce petition even if it costs money in court. This will be down to you and your behaviour so I think if he asks for you to pay costs he is right to do so. If you decide or don’t want to defend the case, then don’t. But let him get on with his life even if you are stuck.

He has kept his promise to pay bills until the children do to university and beyond. He is supporting them at university. He has accepted your intransigence over and over. But you just carry on with what looks like increasingly bonkers and self centred response. Whilst his parents are ill and he is facing redundancy ffs. Don’t you think he is scared ?

You started off saying you were trying to keep a home for your sons. But now they are stuck in the middle trying to reason with you. That’s not fair, they must be worried sick about you and be pulling their hair out in frustration. So stop using them as an excuse.

I promise you that this will feel far less scary if you start to take some control over your situation. You seem to be accusing him of 'doing this to you' but in all honesty you've given him little choice. You've allowed him to support you for so long, he probably feels it's time that he stopped you from taking his generosity for granted any more.

Speak with a solicitor on Monday. Start thinking with your head rather than your heart. Reach out for help from GP/counselling and for support in caring for your parents. Maybe talk with a life coach?

I'm sorry and yes many if you are right I am burying my head a bit.... I go between thinking why should my life change after 20 odd years so he can swan off with OW to being so scared I won't cope with paying everything. Since we married I haven't until last month paid a bill in my name or had to budget. My money was mine to spend on house / DC etc. All bills, food, large purchases he paid for. Until last year he topped the car up with fuel each week .... he gets 2 x company cars so I have one. I wouldn't know where to start with planning all the bills or finding a car, insurance etc.
I feel like I've failed myself. He in fairness has been at me for years to work more and take an interest in our finances ie changing energy suppliers but I always left it to him.
Even when he cancelled the tv/internet the DCs sorted the best deal and just used my bank details. I feel like a new home owner / teenager having to learn this and I'm in my 50's.

I feel sorrier and sorrier for your ex with every post. It sounds like he's been very patient and reasonable. I understand that it's difficult and frightening but you've been seperated for over 3 years. You need to put your big girl pants on and let the poor guy move on with his life.

You need to see a solicitor. You can learn how to cope with household bills, cars etc as although it’s scary if you haven’t done it before it’s not actually difficult.

You will get a terrible deal unless you see a solicitor so that should be your top priority at this stage.

Jesus - go see a solicitor
You must be able to make some form of claim
And the kids for uni

You’re making things worse for yourself

Do you know I’ve just been vacuuming getting more angry in your behalf!!

So instead of addicually paying you what’s owed towards his children - he’s dressing it up as if he’s some sort of hero! So now he’s going to by pass you and no doubt hand them the cash each week so they know just what a big ‘favour’ he’s doing them???

Why does it need to be in cash OP? Why not bank transfer the money? Have you thought of that? Why does he need to pop round and hand you the money? So you’d be grateful??

You will get loads more when you’ve seen a solicitor and you’ll wonder why the hell you didn’t do it sooner!!

To answer your question he gave me cash because I asked for it. Until September he didn't have my bank details. A bit like online shopping I don't do online banking and prefer to use cash. I know some of this is his fault as he was the 'man' but I am more than aware I live in the dark ages, never had a credit card or booked or paid for anything until this year when DC forced the issue as he wasn't available to buy something they needed and they didn't have money in their account. I am getting better but I prefer things face to face and in cash.
He'd rather have done everything online ... he texts and sends me links and emails about mediation etc but I'd rather he come over and go over it with me on his laptop face to face but he and DCs say as well as most on here I need to do this myself