Divorce advice - DC at uni, long marriage

[Time4change2018]

Hi.
Long time lurker looking for some realistic impartial advice as my sister is filling my head with ideas based on her divorce 10+ years ago and i need to know realistically what I may or may not get.
Background... married 25 years in my mid 50s... he moved out around Christmas last year. Before that had been on sofa/ spare room for 2 years so. Technically moved in with OW but we'd been all but seperated for years.
I worked before 2 x Dcs came along, hairdresser. Didn't work again until DCs were in secondary school.... he would have preferred me to work sooner and can see over the years this has caused resentment. Work pt now in term time role. DCs now at uni, youngest starting this term. When he moved out he said he'd continue all financial arrangements (mortgage, all bills and household allowance) while dc at home before uni but now this is changing I know things are going to change.
So I'm worried what will happen and how will I cope without the house money, he has said he'll give funds to DCs directly to help with uni living. Anyone been through similar and can give me some thoughts.
House is almost paid off but no way will I get a mortgage on my wage or age so feeling a little anxious. He will have a good pension having worked 30+ years for a good national company in managerial role. Ideally like to keep house so DCs have home to come back to on holidays etc
Thank you

Hilarious! Why would anyone want such a waste of space to come back? Take your WhatsApp ad elsewhere.

So up until now things have been quiet. DC2 asked him to collect some things from home as he was going over to visit, when he text to ask if I'd be in or if items would be ready I asked him to bring shopping money... he then said we needed to discuss that.
So he's says other/house things will need to be discussed but for now he was proposing stopping the shopping money. Ashamed to say it got heated on my part, I started crying .... I'm still doing food parcels for DC2 which I am driving over this week and DC1 pops in for dinner couple of times a week for clothes wash / dinner as closer to home. How am I meant to provide all this on my wage of £500pm ??
He gave 1 week shopping money instead of 2 and said we'd need to talk more. I know if I push him he'll pay because of his sense of duty but I can feel this will turn unpleasant and I'm sure she his new gf is pushing this.
He has agreed to pay DC2 hall's fees this year as he did DC1

This must be very hard and worrying for you.
But have you tried to see it from his perspective?
He has supported you to be a SAHM for all those years, despite his instinct that you could have gone out to earn once the children were older.
He's supported you financially since you separated 2 years ago.
He's paid the DC accom costs.
He's seen you make no effort to secure your own financial future.
He probably knows you are hoping to keep the house.

You need to see a solicitor quickly and get a hold of your right and responsibilities.

It’s seems that you now need to face up to this situation. Please stop relying on his good nature or guilt. He is supporting the adult children at university. That’s good and they should discuss their needs with him. Just explain that you can’t afford to support them with food parcels and treats until you get your hours increased or a new job. Then do this so you can have enough to live off.

Otherwise have you worked out what, if any, benefits you can get? If your parents need care, do they receive attendance alllowance? If not, get them to apply and them agree how it should be used. It’s not a lot but would cover the cost of cleaners and some of your time of it is needed.

Your ex is supporting 3 adults living separately from him and indirectly the care of your parents. That is expensive and not affordable for most people. Even on a relatively good and high income. Something needs to give here. There’s no endless money tree here and everyone needs to face up to the financial realities. Whether they are fair or not doesn’t matter. I can see why your ex is forcing the issue and if I was his partner or friend I would be encouraging him to do so.

For example you have a son who lives close enough to pop home for food and washing but needs separate accommodation. That just sounds like a waste of money if you don’t have enough to live off.

If the children need their father to support them, they need to have a relationship with him. That means accepting his new partner. Lots of kids do and they don’t get a lot of choice in the matter. Yours do, if they really don’t want to stay with him fine. But they need to fund their own accommodation if your new place isn’t suitable.

Op I don't know if it's been mentioned already but have you looked into applying for carers allowance if you do a lot for your parents?

Thanks everyone and sorry for the delay in replying.
I am starting to see how I've left myself in my 50's in a vulnerable position. I know I am probably taking advantage of his good nature but I've relied on him for so much I am not sure how I'll manage. I have some savings from my wages but I don't think that'll go far.
Even small things like increasing pressure in the boiler or that a fence panel is wobbling, I'm not sure where to start ... for a confident person I am feeling less sure of myself than ever.
I've looked at benefits but as the postcode is on UC I'd only get a few ££ a month literally. I am Looking for a new job as work can't increase my hours but as a hairdresser from 20 years ago and a dinner supervisor / classroom assistant I don't have a lot to offer the fast paced real world.
I've asked him to come over tonight to show me how to work the boiler - he showed DCs last year as he'd moved out but I stubbornly buried my head thinking I didnt need to know this stuff. He wants to talk money as he is coming over, says he's done a spreadsheet of his outgoing and I need to see as someone noted above that money doesn't grow on trees.
Not really needing advice just having a place to note my thoughts really. My sister got divorced when her children were at school so she was entitled to more and worked full time so I am guilty of listening to her and what happened to her and assuming I'd be ok.

Go to a divorce lawyer. You facilitated his career development whilst sacrificing yours. You are entitled to an allowance with or without kids.

I'd agree with you but he was in the company when we met and he wanted me to go back to full time work before now, he could and would have dropped/ collected DCs or allowed them to be more independent where I liked and wanted to do it and kept it as my job ... I know from what others have said I could or should have worked more from when DCs were at school at least secondary.

You sound like a nice person OP but I really don’t think it’s fair that your ex literally pays for your food shopping because you’ve not thought ahead and work part time 39 weeks a year.

What do you do with your time apart from caring for your parents? You say you didn’t want to know about the boiler at the time, what did you think would happen in the future?

I know it’s a morbid question, but is there any chance you’ll get an inheritance from your parents?

You can’t afford to work part time, sorry. You need a full time job so you can afford to eat/build up your pension as soon as possible

Well my df’s 2nd wife never worked despite having 1 ds at secondary and she got a 5 bed house and maintenance when they divorced, her ds was in his 30s.

You are entitled to an allowance with or without kids.

No they aren't in law.

have things changed then from about 10 years ago?

You facilitated his career development whilst sacrificing yours.

That us not what OP has said though. He wanted her to return to work.

You can log onto Hmrc online and check your state pension entitlement btw.

Deemdinng on where you live I would say you need at least £1000 a month to pay for bills, food, entertainment, Christmas without considering housing costs. I’d be aiming to walk away with enough to buy a house outright and put away some savings for the future.

Well I’m obviously not a lawyer but I know my df’s ex chose not to work too.

Well I’m obviously not a lawyer but I know my df’s ex chose not to work too.

Every case is different plus courts are moving away from awarding spousal maintenance long term. OP needs to increase her income.

Op there are YouTube videos for everything from boiler pressure to unlocking sinks. Start doing things yourself.
Get legal advice
Get financial advice
Stop buying your dc food parcels.

Agree with stopping the food parcels as well - they shouldn’t need them if their dad is supporting them through uni.

Every case is different plus courts are moving away from awarding spousal maintenance long term. OP needs to increase her income

Correct. My Ex applied for Joint Lives Spousal Maintenance even though her Barrister told her it would never happen. Judge awarded 4 years to take child to age 14. By then Ex would be able to work full time and not NEED Spousal Maintenance.

Put NEED in Capital because that it what Spousal Maintenance is based on. Greed, wants, wishes or revenge do not enter the equation.

OP, have you had the financial discussion with your Ex yet?

It's getting to the point were the discussion cannot be avoided anymore. Really you should agree to mediation and try to get some recommendations for lawyers.

By the sounds of it your ex seems fairly reasonable but you need to establish what you can reasonably get as a settlement that works best for you.

Please bear in mind that you and your ex have limited working life left compared to the adult children. You need to put your respective needs first, a home to see out your days and some income for when you can't work. Young adult children are far more resilient and have plenty of time and opportunity to make their way in life.

Think about downsizing. Get some advice about benefits and financial help for your parents. Attendance Allowance is not means tested and if they are in 80s, they should be entitled. They can use the money for outside help, freeing you up or to pay you for your time. I sorted it out for my mum, dad uses it for cleaners and care for my mother. A long form but was processed almost immediately without query.

I think for your piece of mind you need to get a realistic idea of the settlement, from mediation and a solicitor, sooner rather than later. Then you will know if you need to sell and what additional income you need.

You need to get the ball rolling and get some proper advice now

Hi, back again.
So ex has been coming over to the house every 3/4 weeks to discuss us moving things forward. He's saying he is going to notify the council hr has moved out so I'll have to pay the council tax and he's going to cancel the broadband package which had the landline and my mobile linked to it.... he has mentioned the other bills but he's trying to be fair for now as I don't earn much.
I don't know how I'll cope with those bills let alone anything else.
He's seen a solicitor and called a mediator solicitor who have sent me paperwork but I just feel like it's happening too quick.
When he visited last time our eldest was present, he thinks we both need to talk with someone and get it sorted but he doesn't understand how worrying all of this is.
I've spoken to the mediation place to get more information but I just don't feel ready yet, but I'm not saying no.
A couple of questions please.... can he force me to go or would it look less favourable if I didn't go, just feel like I'm jumping to his tune if I go.
I've not managed to increase my work hours or find a new job. Can he really just call the utilities and stop paying?
Thank you

A bump for you as I'm not sure about mediation. However, yes I think he can ring up and stop paying the utilities as he can prove he lives elsewhere. I have done it on leaving accommodation in the past.

but I just feel like it's happening too quick
just feel like I'm jumping to his tune if I go

You separated about 3 years ago. He left around 15 months ago. I hardly think that's too quick.
He's been paying all of your bills since then, so he could claim that he's been jumping to your tune for all this time.
From what you say, he hasn't done anything wrong. He's been very patient. He's offering to go to mediation.

I think that if you were to refuse to go to mediation he might decide that enough is enough and it's time for him to take control of his life and stop finding your life now that the marriage has ended.

What do you think he should do? Keep funding you?

This probably comes across harshly. But I don't think you've even tried to understand from his perspective. Or to take steps to take care of your own responsibilities.

Take some legal advice now OP.

For what it's worth I'd been a SAHM, divorced in my 50s, and got a big chunk of pension and more than 60% of equity. I also was awarded spousal maintenance. It is about the standard of living you've enjoyed in the marriage, as well as your ability to get a decently paying job (hence the spousal, to equalise us), and if you could get a mortgage.