My feed

to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.


Is my new partner right, or my ex?

159 replies

Grant12 · 19/07/2018 15:39

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice from ideally womens’ point of view...
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Impartially, what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 15:42

Your dp should also be still in nursery with such an immature attitude.
Providing security for your dc is the least you can do for her.
Nowt to do with anyone but you + ex what you agree to do now.

Boysmomma · 19/07/2018 15:43

This is about your daughter, your child, she is the priority. You're not funding lifestyle you're helping to pay for your daughters childcare IN HER BEST INTERESTS.

I'd be having a long think about the type of woman who makes you question the needs of your child. This isn't your EX going off getting her nails done, and besides none of OW business.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 19/07/2018 15:44

You new partner should mind her own business.

CSA minimum doesn't necessarily cover all the child's costs.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 15:44

OW is being unreasonable, and CSA rates are low.

RandomUsers · 19/07/2018 15:44

But you won't be funding your ex's lifestyle. You are funding you child's lifestyle.
Unless you are happy with disturbing the only other place normalcy your DD currently enjoys.
CSA is the barest minimum a responsible parent should offer

Pippylou · 19/07/2018 15:44

Er, you're looking after the mental health of your child. If it's not a massive amount, I'd be happy to do that to ease the transition.

New woman appears to be a bit territorial, bet she would have a different view if it was her DD & she had been left.

BlingLoving · 19/07/2018 15:45

I think men who only want to pay the "legal minimum" are extremely sad and awful people. And if your DP feels that way, then she is clearly not very nice either.

Having said that - when you say your wife paid off matrimonial debt, does that include the house? In which case, does she have a mortgage free house and you have nothing? Which does seem a bit odd to me.

Oopsy41 · 19/07/2018 15:46

You are doing the right thing by your child and I wouldn't be listening to your partner if that's her attitude to you being a parent.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 15:47

It’s ugly when people argue that men paying (pretty low) maintenance for their DC are being “taken the piss out of”.

And if she wants to be her boyfriend’s top financial priority she should have dated someone with no DC.

dontdoubtyourself · 19/07/2018 15:47

Unless you're a very high earner the maintenance you pay won't cover nearly as much as you think. Clothes, food, bills, clubs, activities, equipment for activities, school uniforms, I could go on. It says a lot about your new gf begrudging you spending money on your child, because you'll have less for her. What a catch.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 15:48

Maybe she has realised their is an ow position open now....

LunaTrap · 19/07/2018 15:49

You picked a real winner there. What a fabulous caring stepparent you are giving your child.

8FencingWire · 19/07/2018 15:49

Don’t be a d**k, look after your child. Your exW is not taking you for a ride. Your GF, on the other hand...

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2018 15:50

Dump the gf.

You're responsibility as parents is to give your child a decent life, not to do the bare minimum legally required of you

Tired12345 · 19/07/2018 15:50

So if you don't cover nursery your daughter will have to leave a place where she is happy and settled? Pretty awful of your DP to suggest this.
For both you and your ex to work you need to have childcare - guess your DP isn't suggesting you give up work to provide that childcare so presumably she expects your ex to do so therefore limiting her chances of working- which leaves her (and ultimately your daughter) in a far worse position.

NeatFreakMama · 19/07/2018 15:50

Your new partner needs to understand the difference between your ex and your children. You're doing the right thing providing for your daughter, particularly through the huge upheaval she's going through. Why would your new partner resent your daughter for that?

It's a slippery slope and I'd put your foot down so you can be a good father and not somehow join in your mind your kids and your ex. However you provide for your children is for you (and your ex) and nothing to do (or against) your new partner. I'd be worried as well a little because this isn't money you're giving the ex, it's nursery fees directly to your daughter, why on earth does she resent your daughter that?

Be careful and remember your kids come first and don't understand any of these adult issues or motivations.

Bythebeach · 19/07/2018 15:50

Your new partner sounds awful. Your instinct to provide for your child is the only morally correct one. Child maintenance does not take into account the costs of childcare and certainly does not drop when a child starts school so you paying extra to allow for nursery continuity for your child is simply putting your child’s interests ahead of your own pocket - which any decent parent who could afford to would do. Are you sure you want to be with your partner .... her comments are horrible!

Quartz2208 · 19/07/2018 15:51

How could you even question it

The house (and I assume you have signed it over) seems a fair and final settlement and you are walking away from. And in terms of spousal maintenance you are not paying any (fairly it would seem) so that seems fair.

Child maintenance you are paying the CSA minimum plus splitting the cost of nursery fees (although not I would add 50/50 but a little bit more). So actually not really that much

Your CSA is for all the other stuff involved in raising a child, feeding clothing and activities - the fact is you are not splitting the childcare 50/50 so your ex is definitely feeling the burden of your child more than you both financially and one suspects visiting

Frankly your new partner sounds awful your number 1 priority is your daughter

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 15:52

You’re not “trapped” at all: you reached agreement on a financial settlement with your ex and are paying (low) maintenance, as is responsible. Your gf can feel however she likes about this: it need not affect your actions.

Grant12 · 19/07/2018 15:54

Thank you for all your replies.

I don’t want to pay the minimum. I want what’s best for my little girl. That’s all. And this is killing my soul

OP posts:
Grant12 · 19/07/2018 15:55

No, my ex borrowed money from her parents to pay off debt which then allowed her to keep the mortgage in her own name

OP posts:
doihavetotryagain · 19/07/2018 15:56

The OW is being a cock! Would your wife now that she is a single parent be able to get help towards nursery costs? Is she claiming the 30 free hours already?

LunaTrap · 19/07/2018 15:57

How can you find someone attractive who thinks your child deserves the bare minimum enforceable by law?

Fleurelle · 19/07/2018 15:57

You're only paying extra towards YOUR child.

Just because you're divorced you're still a father.

NeatFreakMama · 19/07/2018 15:57

OP could you have one conversation where you tell your partner that you're not wanting to talk to her about the money you spend on your kids, ever. You can say it's a real sticking issue for you and you don't want your relationship to suffer so you really do need to draw a line and what you do with your kids is up to you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.