Is my new partner right, or my ex?

[Grant12]

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice from ideally womens’ point of view...
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Impartially, what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

I think this is one of those "fork in the path" moments.

You can choose to do the right thing by your daughter, pay the nursery fees and contribute towards other costs that come with bringing up a "happy and settled" child. Make the best of a terrible situation and hope to goodness your exDW and DD go on to lead happy lives and know that you played a small part in that happening.

OR

You can pay the minimum, keep the current DP happy for a while - (she'll soon be complaining that you see DD too often/you never go out anymore/you speak to exDW too much etc) and risk forever damaging any shred of goodwill that there may be between you and exDW at the moment, which will irreparably affect your relationship with your daughter.

I've been the wife in the first scenario and the daughter in the second. I have a good relationship with my exDH and no relationship with my father.

I don't like the sound of your new partner. Why does she get a say in your finances? You've not yet finalised your previous relationship. If your partner needs more mpney she can make it herself.

Please keep putting your daughter first.

I’m expecting a child with new partner.

Yikes.

I’m expecting a child with new partner.

Then you’d better set some firm boundaries right now.

What's the time scales Grant?

My teenage son, in a part time, zero hours, minimum wage job paid more child maintenance than CSA guidleines. He carried on paying when he went back to college and didn't legally have to pay a penny. He still pays more now his son is 9, and when he gets a pay rise, he increases what he pays. He has his son overnight every weekend, and any other night his ex needs chilcare because she's working, and babysits at her house for all three of her children if she needs an evening out at the bingo. If she fancies a night out on the town with her pals, he'll stay over.

He's lost girlfriends because of this. His child still comes first.

You know this, or you wouldn't feel guilty at the thought of shafting your child for the sake of a few quid. Your girlfriend is just going to have to suck it up.

Does new DP work?

Who is more important? Your OW now partner, or the child you have? Because I'm sorry- I fail to see where there is any contest. She got what you wanted- you to leave your family for her. She does not get to dictate how you support the child you chose to leave. She is proving her moral fibre- first by being perused by you and accepting whilst you were still with your wife, and now by trying to have any opinion on what is 'fair'. CSA does not cover nursery fees, clothes, food, shelter, etc. does your wife work? If you're only giving a little extra, and not bankrupting yourself, she is showing you what to expect- a bitter money orientated woman who doesn't give a shit about your child. The only thing about this post I'm confused about, is why you are listening to anything she says or giving it any validity.

I'm expecting a child with new partner

What a fool you are. Your poor daughter.

It's none of the new woman's business what you're paying your ex and for your child. You pay what you think you need to and tell her to butt out.

It doesn't bode well for the relationship if she's whingeing about this so early tbh - at this stage, your income is nothing to do with her. She should realise that your daughter will always come first, and if that means having less money, then so be it. If she can't accept that, why would you want her in your life?

Saw reply. She's now pregnant. Good luck. I'm sure this will work out well for you..........

@LunaTrap I wrote something similar several times and deleted it. My thoughts exactly.

I'm afraid you've picked a wrong 'un there. CSA rates are pitifully low. You need to make clear to the nasty cow now that what you pay for your daughter is none of her business and will not be reduced. Bet when she's chasing you for maintenance in a year or two's time she won't think her child deserves the bare minimum.

Pay for you child.

didn't see update (you are a bit stupid aren't you?!) - but still, your daughter comes first, and there'll be a lifetime of resentment from your new partner about what your old partner is receiving.

YOu'll be caught in the middle, and your poor first daughter will end up suffering unless you stand firm now.

This is your fault OP, not because you chose to get the woman you date pregnant but because you call her your partner.

She is at best a girlfriend and you're enabling her to rule how you treat your daughter and ex wife.

Yikes indeed.

Well, you may as well demonstrate to your new woman that you can do right by your existing child. It's not a contest between her child and your existing one!

Tell your partner that you will only contribute to your new child the amount that the older one gets. I'd be surprised if she would go along with that. And that is for everything, clothes, food, diapers, school, transport etc.

Would be useful to know the timelines - how long has OW been in the picture that she feels so entitled to dictate where YOUR money should go and how much YOUR daughter should get?

Her demands of you seem utterly inappropriate! I’m really sad for your daughter (and your ex) reading this. Hard not to be judgemental tbh.....

God what a horror you’ve shackled yourself too. Don’t let your DD become second best when your new baby is born. Stand firm and do what’s right.

I’m expecting a child with new partner That explains it then. She will expect you to put her child first, ahead of your other child.

Your first child should have everything that your second child does. In reality that won't happen as your DP will begrudge every penny that goes to your first child.

You need to make a stand right from the start, that both children are equal to you and that you will not favour one over the other. It will take some doing.

And @Grant12 is still not referring to the fact that he's now debt free and mortgage free as a result of an amazing ex-wife doing what she can to look after their DD.

I'm sure the new girlfriend will help him rack up plenty more debt.

The CMS amount is a minimum and not a target. You admit that the extra is "not a great amount" and I think it's great that your daughter gets the continuity of care until she goes to school.

How can you find a woman who is trying to shaft your dd attractive? She is literally trying to guilt you into become a deadbeat Dad. Your unborn child will have their mum's wages and a big chunk of yours. I'm assuming that figure is enough since you decided to bring another child into this world.