Is my new partner right, or my ex?

[Grant12]

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice from ideally womens’ point of view...
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Impartially, what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

Doesn't this woman's obvious contempt for your daughter kill any feelings you have for her, Grant?

I'm sure it sucks to be you, but you are only now realising a truth that the rest of us have always known- a woman who is happy to fuck someone else's husband may well not be a very nice person. But actually, you probably aren't either so you may well suit each other very well.

You shouldn't need to ask what your priorities should be, it should be obvious. And prepare for your new woman to campaign hard for you to cut contact with your child and/or pay no maintenance at all.

Oh FFS OP, you haven't "given" your ex a house she bought you out and it sounds like it is a fair and square 50/50 divorce settlement so sort your language on that nonsense right now, it makes anything else you say sound dubious and cliched.

The CSA calculation is a minimum contribution widely castigated by resident parents because it is a pathetic amount generally and by being based on a percentage income and not a percentage actual child rearing costs it is a low (think limbo) bar to set.

Your new partner needs to get a grip and stay out of it. Rule no. 1 - maintenance should not reduce at any time, it should be treated like a mortgage payment not an optional bonus. If you can't afford more children then don't have any and if you are with someone who seriously thinks it is an option to treat your existing children so disrespectfully then you need to rethink who you are with.

Bluntly, you have responsibilities to honour, your partner should encourage that and consider it a non negotiable priority. If there needs to be an increase in household income then that has to come from you or her not your existing children. This is the deal when you start a relationship with existing children, both of you grow the fuck up.

Of course you should pay the extra, Its for your daughter, I would ditch the ow she doesnt sound very nice at all...

I guess you are on here asking this question because paying less seems wrong.

I’ve said on here before if I ran off and left dh with our 3 young children, leaving most the equity and savings and paying cms bare minimum, I’d live the life of Riley and he’d be skint. He’d struggle to pay the mortgage and bills. I would look exceptionally generous due to the £ paid. However I would be fully aware that the amount I was paying was wrong.

If the debt she repaid is similar to the equity she gained then it sounds like a pretty even split.

I’m sorry to say but this lack of insight from a new partner would have me questioning who they are. Your child’s life has been turned upside down and remaining in her nursery with staff and children she knows will help create stability.

You are doing the right thing supporting your dd. And there will be plenty of times in the future you end up doing the same, school trips, driving lessons, university, because although you split with her Mum you still want your dd to have the best chance in life. You are doing the right thing, Don’t doubt it.

"Oh FFS OP, you haven't "given" your ex a house she bought you out and it sounds like it is a fair and square 50/50 divorce settlement so sort your language on that nonsense right now, it makes anything else you say sound dubious and cliched."

Also totally agree with this ^

She's your daughter!

Why aren't you falling over yourself to pour every resource into being the best Dad you can be? Give her money - every penny (and more) you can afford, spend time with her, plan things that will make her happy, think of her every second, keep things that remind you (and her, later) of those happy moments, take pictures etc etc.

If you're not so in love with your own child that you want to do all these things for her - that the thought of her being without for even a moment breaks your heart, then you're a shitty parent and a shitty human being.

The 'bare minimum' for MOST parents is just to pour their very existence into supporting their child. It doesn't even need to be thought about.

SciFiFan2015 no but the suggestion of mortgage free is that he's not paying housing costs. I'm mortgage free, I still have rent to pay.
He still, for clarity, it an idiot and needs to do right by the child's he already has

So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old.

So your ex wife has bought you out of your house fair and square for the benefit of your child and you say

In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school.

As though a) you had any choice over whether to 'agree' to this (as you point out, it is the legal minimum) and b) you are graciously doing this as a favour to her when the truth is it is nothing of the sort.

The fact that you are even asking whether your girlfriend is reasonable to expect you to pay the absolute minimum for your daughter makes me think that your wife has dodged a bullet - do you really think that any loving parent only does the minimum that they are obliged to do to care for their child? Either in terms of their financial contribution or the time and energy they expend on bringing them up?

Your gf is wanting the extra you spend for your child on the way and herself. She probably thought once you left your wife she would be your focus. But you have your daughter so that was never going to be the case.

The money you pay to your ex is for your daughter. The way you have worded your posts you know which one is right.

You just need to explain to your gf that your supporting your child just as you will support her and the future child.

Your gf is throwing her toys out of the pram with what she is saying but I think you knew that already given you ask opinions on here.

If You have agreed to contribute to the childcare then I would continue to do so for the benefit of your daughter! Your DP is forever going to begrudge any money that is given to your ex, so expect confrontations for the remainder of your life! When your daughter starts clubs will you help to pay towards her development?Unfortunately it sounds highly unlikely this woman will support your relationship with your daughter, what an awful situation you find yourself in!!!

I think the thread title is a bit misleading - it should be "Is my new partner right or me", because you clearly know the answer. Don't make it into OW vs ex.

OW is awful & selfish. Get rid! You should be paying half the childcare costs & at least CSA minimum. This isn’t for benefit of extra wife but your child

Its interesting that your partner believes your ex should make sacrifices - of course she is making sacrifices - she BOUGHT you out of the house by borrowing from her parents and now has to do the mortgage all by herself whilst looking after YOUR daughter I suspect near enough full time and its killing YOUR soul

Grow up OP and accept the consequences of your actions - if you are only paying bare minimum CSA maintenance and one suspects less that a quarter of your daughters nursery fees you are not paying much at all.

You trapped yourself with your own behaviour so you deal with it. One suspects the marriage issues were because your Ex did not put you first

Your divorce arrangements and provision for your child are NONE of your new partners business. REGARDLESS of how you got together.

It wasn't her marriage, not her child either.

The csa guideline is a MINIMUM amount considered acceptable. It sounds to me you have a fair idea of the costs of raising your child (which include housing, heating, water, transport, clothes, shoes, food, toiletries, books & toys. Currently nursery fees but even once at school costs tot up - uniform inc gym gear, equipment, school trips...and those are the BASICS - you know what these things cost while you were with ex, are you REALLY paying 50% of all this even with the 'little extra'? Highly doubtful).

As one of your child's parents morally (if not legally - personally I think it should be made legally) at least you are responsible for 50% of costs.

If both you and your ex work and your child needs to be in full time/wrap around care as a result, I'd argue you're also responsible for 50% of that.

If it's bothering your new partner THAT much

A she needs to grow the fuck up! Does she have DC?

B she should have thought about that BEFORE getting involved with someone with DC. And that would apply if you'd been single when you met too.

C she needs to realise it is NOT your role to provide for her. She's a grown ass adult she needs to provide for herself or if there's a valid reason she can't (eg disability) she needs to organise support for herself AND either way she needs to learn to live within her means.

Your new partner sounds immature, selfish and jealous of your child.

You need to grow up a bit too - you're not 'trapped' your own choices as an adult got you where you are now.

"My ex earns more than me" in terms of your responsibility to your daughter that's irrelevant.

"but am I being blinded by a sense of guilt and misplaced loyalty?" Absolutely not! You DO have a loyalty to your daughter as a parent and to your ex as a co-parent - if new partner can't hack that she needs to sod of!!

"Dump her. She is going to fuck up your childs life. She will make her resentment very clear." Yep!

Of course your marriage wasn't functioning! You were putting your energies & focus elsewhere. As pp said classic cheaters script.

"You don’t have to go back to your ex, but you do have to put your child first, and staying in this relationship isn’t doing that." 100% agree with this! I rather suspect too that if you have DC with her she'll get even worse and see it as taking money away from your older child. And...then I read new partner is pregnant! Shouldn't be surprised really, let me guess, she started this 'it's too much money' narrative after she got pregnant? She wants to push out your older child, emotionally, physically as well as financially. YOU don't have to let her.

Then you’d better set some firm boundaries right now - definitely!

And can I STRONGLY recommend you educate yourself on sex & contraception - or certainly better than your current knowledge, cos I suspect either your knowledge is poor, you have a lazy attitude to using it, or (and I'm not sure this isn't worse) both children were planned in terms of contraception, but you didn't think about your new partners attitude to your daughter and how another pregnancy would impact on that.

Hirples son sounds a damn site more mature and responsible that either you or your partner. Hirples your son sounds lovely, good on him.

"Bet when she's chasing you for maintenance in a year or two's time she won't think her child deserves the bare minimum."
Just what I was thinking! I'd lay odds there's no way she'd accept such treatment herself.

"Tell your partner that you will only contribute to your new child the amount that the older one gets." Excellent advice - borrowing for future similar threads! I wonder how many 2nd wives/partners would like that?

My dd is 17 and hasn't seen her father for several years. His choice (but I get the blame), his lack of effort in organising visits is the issue. He also never paid regular or full csa min maintenance. Deadbeat arse! He TRIED to claim at one point to dd that he WAS paying maintenance regularly in full - easy enough to prove otherwise on my bank statements.

Added to which in terms of his 2nd wife I have the reverse situation, she has actually been very supportive of my side of things, when they were first together she'd chivvy him into paying which would work occasionally, would chivvy him into making arrangements to see dd (she actually did the bulk of the organising but she can't put his leave applications in for him! Which he would always leave to the last minute and then they'd be turned down). Unfortunately now he doesn't even listen to her, hence he hasn't seen dd for years. I was the one left dealing with a heartbroken teen who truly believes her dad doesn't love her. So he doesn't even have the excuse of a difficult 2nd wife.

Dds relationship with her father is irreparably damaged, I'll be very surprised if they have any kind of relationship in the future. At this point she wants to visit to see her grandparents (very elderly and frail), half siblings and stepmum (who while she was the ow, as a stepmum has been spot on when she's had the chance). Do you want this to be you in 13 years op? Not seeing your daughter, her not wanting a relationship with you, her already deciding you'd barely be welcome at her wedding let alone be able to maybe walk her down the aisle? Because if you don't sort this now that's where this is headed.

Dump the new woman quick as you can.

She wants to be put in front of your daughters needs.

This can only end badly.

Your current partner seems like a real piece of work. You're clearly paying for your daughter not your ex.
I hope this will be the only thing she's like this about and doesn't get funny every time you want to do something for your daughter.

Your child should always come first. Clearly you haven't done that as you ran off with another woman but that needs to change. You should be paying half of the childcare cost as well as paying your fair share in maintenance as well as buying her everything she needs and wants when she's with you. Your partner doesn't even come as a consideration until after all of that. She shouldn't have a say in it at all.

Have a read on mumsnet whilst you are here about how hard it is for a large number of women to think rationally about the time and money men put into their first families so you can at least be prepared to man up when the later inevitable time/custody/money arguments arise with your new dp.

Your new partner is being unreasonable, it's very telling that she thinks you are putting your ex before her needs - sounds a bit grabby personally

Your little girl should be the most precious important thing in your life. You should love her so much sometimes it makes you cry. You should want to give her the world & more. Your last penny, your last meal, every ounce of love in you. But alas... Judging by the info given you don't feel like this. But to answer your question. The OW is most definitely BU! She's an arsehole & your now stuck with her. Karma my friend. This is your life now & going forward. Even if you split up with said arsehole she'll still always have that hold over you now. Good luck!

Your supposed to love your child more than anyone else

And guarantee that if you ever break up with your girlfriend, you will be a tight arse bastard who'd be massively unreasonable if you suggested paying her the CSA guideline 😒

And for the record when you meet the next other women the new DP will most definitely think YOU SHOULD PAY well above the minimum for the child you are about to have with her!

What a mess. Your poor, poor daughter. And wife.