Is my new partner right, or my ex?

[Grant12]

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice from ideally womens’ point of view...
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Impartially, what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

Haha!
Suddenly reality hits eh?
It's not all romantic dinners and holidays once you've moonwalked away and shacked up together, is it?
Most people with a pair would tell her to back off and that it's between you and your ex.
I doubt very much you will though. You'll go with what she tells you to for an easy life.
Any decent parent wouldn't need to even ask.

The CSA minimum is very low. The website states that parents can come to an agreement over maintenance and what it covers. The CSA is actually just a legal minimum to ensure that a father doesn't walk away and not pay a penny (although sadly a lot still don't).

Your DP needs to keep her nose out of it. Her needs are not your concern, she is not married to you. She needs to provide for herself, not depend on you for money. If she can't accept that you have a child that you want to provide for then she shouldn't be with you.

Be a decent father, pay at least the minimum CM and the nursery fees as agreed. Pay as much as you can. Sadly new partners often think of themselves and not the children involved. A decent father would want to ensure that he is paying a decent amount to provide for the child that he created. Why should it all fall to the resident parent to pay for everything?

You have left a child who is very young and not yet at school. That impedes the mother's chances of working full time. (Been there done that).

And your actions have tipped your little girl's world upside down. The LEAST you can do is try your best to mitigate the disruption to her as much as you can.

Which bit is killing your soul?

You are doing right by your child.

Gf either accepts it or goes date a childless guy / deadbeat dad

It's killing your soul because you know it's not right. This is nothing to do with you putting your ex before your new GF, it's about supporting your 4 year old daughter so as she's not more unsettled than she already is after the disturbance of her parents separating. If the new GF can't see that and is so begrudging of your child that she would willing see her more upset so she can have more nights out than I would seriously be considering if I wanted to continue in the relationship.

"I don’t want to pay the minimum. I want what’s best for my little girl. That’s all."

Then pay what you think is needed to right by her. This will never be less than the (in effect minimum) payment that the govt would seek to enforce, but may well be more.

And this is killing my soul

Probably because you have discovered that the OW has feet of clay and the grass is most definitely not greener. And you need to make the best of it. But I would suggest that your role as father is the more important one, and quite possibly the one destined to be the more enduring.

Then pay extra.

Your ex wife should be receiving help for childcare from the government. If she is working they will pay up to 80% of fees. I agree that you should contribute to the remaining 20% cost both of you should pay 10% each. If she is asking you to cover more than that it's would be a bit unfair.

As someone on the either side of this several years down the track I can tell you that raising my daughter has cost many thousands more than the paltry minimum maintenance my ExH has paid me.
I have never and would only tell my DD if as an adult she directly asked me. But in my heart I know I have done everything right by my daughter my ExH can not say the same. He has to live with that.

Wow your GF is one jealous cheeky bitch. This is only the start, she'll be nagging you over everything to do with your DD.

Time to man up.

My ex earns more than me, so there is no spousal maintenance. Obviously she won’t have my income and will be on her own but she can (just) manage she says. However, the fees are going to need to be paid for another year and it will be a burden on ex.

I know I acted like a xxxx, but the marriage wasn’t functioning properly.

I have turned my ex’s life upside down and I recognise that, but am I being blinded by a sense of guilt and misplaced loyalty? From the replies I’ve read it would appear that outsiders do not see it this way. Thanks shins for everyone’s points of view and the response

Pay the extra. Ultimately it's not really extra. Based on what's been said above you are now debt free and mortgage free? Moved in with the OW and probably contributing but likely have a disposable income.
Cover the maintenance, cover the extra, work out your budget including new living costs/romancing costs and if there's anything left over after that...spend that on your daughter when you spend time with her. (I'd rather include that cost before any "romancing" costs but I'm trying to be generous).

The CSA minimum is a MINIMUM. not the benchmark of ideal parenting. It's the absolute least you're expected to provide for your child. Is that what she expects - for you to do/be the absolute minimum of a parent you can get away with? She sounds like a total dick. Why should your child suffer even more.

You need to live your life in such a way that you know with complete confidence your DD never feels let down by you from here on in.

Thank goodness your ex never gave up work. Hopefully she'll go on to big things.

You aren’t putting your Ex-wife before your DP.

You are putting your child before your DP.

As you should.

If she can’t cope with always coming second then your relationship is doomed right from the beginning.

Think very, very carefully before marrying this woman or having a child with her because she’s going to do her best to exclude your little girl.

Your maitenance more than likely wont even pay for half of everything.
Why the fuck does this dickhead think your ex should be responsible for childcare alone.

Dump her. She is going to fuck up your childs life. She will make her resentment very clear.

Problems in a marriage are no excuse for an affair: classic “cheaters’ script”. If you were unhappy and didn’t think problems could be resolved you could have ended the marriage before dating others.

“Killing my soul”??? What are you feeling bad about? Your gf’s reaction to you paying slightly more than minimum maintenance for a year? understandable to be sad, angry and disappointed about that.

Living apart from your DD? Again, understandable to be sad and find that difficult.

Guilt about hurting your ex?

As a PP says, shouldn’t be hard to tell your gf that you will be fulfilling your responsibilities as a father, including financially.

It doesn’t reflect at all well on you when you’re paying low maintenance that you so easily question whether you’re paying too much “out of guilt”.

Your ex has a loan to pay back which is to enable dd to stay settled in her home. She is doing the right thing by her and also has most if the care. Doesn't sound to me that her lifestyle could be that great with debt over her head. She's doing her bit for yr dd do it's only right and fair you do yours. I don't think she's taking advantage and ultimately it's your money so you decide not yr gf.

No you are not being blindsided by guilt, at all. You want to be a decent father and provide for your child. Hold on to that. It doesn't matter how much your XW earns, or if she buys a hot tub or goes on holiday or has a night out. You still have a duty to provide for your child.

My XH is a total loser for not paying the absolute minimum. He has to live with that. I would hope that would create a guilty feeling of shame.

So don't be that man. Be a father. Pay for your child, help out with uniform costs, swimming lessons, anything that you can afford and remember that the legal CM is the absolute bare minimum, not a target to aim for.

Any woman who takes on a man with a child, should expect and WANT that man to provide for his child. If she didn't want that, she should have gone out with a single bloke, not a married father.

You are not being blinded by misplaced loyalty. Your loyalty should be to your child. Just because there is a minimum amount doesn't mean you should pay the minimum amount.

New woman sounds jealous and insecure and taking it out on your poor child. Great decision there (not)

But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Gosh this leaps out and says a lot about your DP - your daughter is not a financial transaction, with a price to be beaten down and sold to the lowest bidder. She is your flesh and blood and at one time you and your then wife agreed to have a baby and support & nuture a child into adulthood. Those things haven't changed just because you don't live together.

You left and that's that. Time to focus on your child's needs here.

The minimum amount is not generous and won't cover many, if any, 'extras'.

If my second husband had displayed the attitude you describe your new woman as having, i.e. seeing your child's needs as taking something away from her, I don't think we would have lasted long.

You feel bad because this is a shitty thing to do. Put your child first.

Most people with a pair would tell her to back off and that it's between you and your ex. actually there are plenty of women on MN who believe that their now partners are paying far too much to their ex’s, and men who are happy to listen to them.

OP I’m not interested in the why’s and wherefore’s of how you and your partner got together, but the reality here is that given you have such a young child you’re looking at another fourteen years of this kind of agro from your partner if you stay together. Is that really what you want?

If there were issues in the marriage which made it unsustainable in the long-term then you’ve already done the difficult bit and left (motivations aside.). There is no obligation to stay with this woman just because she was the catalyst in your ending your marriage.

She is clearly not a supporter of children within the relationship and it won’t be long before she is dictating what access you should be having so that you get the most time with just you and her together.

Don’t feel you have to stay with her. If your DD is the most important walk away from this relationship now. You don’t have to go back to your ex, but you do have to put your child first, and staying in this relationship isn’t doing that.

Would you really leave your child with so little? Would you really let this new DP anywhere near your DC? DP is actively ruining your DC's life - but you are the only person with the power to let them. So YOU are the bad one.

Also, you don't have a soul if you are even considering this.