Is my new partner right, or my ex?

[Grant12]

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice from ideally womens’ point of view...
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Impartially, what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

Your choice is put your child first or put your new partner first.
Don't be the man that abandons his child's security for his new partner.

She is being incredibly unreasonable. However you can support your DD you should do it, just because you are no longer with her mum doesn't mean she should suffer. She is your first priority!
Your new DP needs to realise that DD is always going to rely on you and be in your life and if she doesn't like it then she should have found a single childless man.

Well you sure traded Down.

How will your new baby mummy feel when your ex gets a new partner and she see your 1st child having a better life than her baby...

I’m a DSM and my OH has a vitriolic EW. He pays way over the CMS amount, because he wants to do the best for his children. He’s never questioned it.

It’s got nothing to do with me. And I actually admire him for it.

It’s EW says it’s a pathetic amount he pays (he pays over £9k a year). She only earns £10k!

None of your partners business. You should do what you feel is best.

Holy fuckbiscuit OP, you landed yourself a winner there! What a pickle!

I think you're getting some (understandably) harsh replies here. I think you know in your heart that you have been doing right by your daughter (and she's the truly innocent victim in this, regardless of how dead your marriage was). But you know what is right, and you're looking for advice, so there's hope for you yet!

Much as we have the cheaters script on here (including dead marriages!), I think we should have a bitter new partners script....

1. Make out that the exW did far too well out of the divorce
2. Start to complain about the money you pay for your child. Make it sound like it's going to the exW. Point out that she's going on holiday/bought a new car/ goes out to dinner.
3. When pregnant start to reduce the amount of time the child comes to stay. She's too tired. The child is too badly behaved. You need time together as a couple before everything changes.
4. Ban previous children from visiting 'for a few weeks' after the birth. Keep extended this period.
5. Continue to reduce the visits. The other child is too rough with the baby, woke her from her nap, takes too much effort.
6. If the exW complains that their child is being sidelined, throw a tantrum and claim that you always side with exW and you should have her back (notice how every time it's made out to be about the adults, taking the focus off your child who is suffering)
7. Insist that new baby gets everything old child had and more. If first child had private school, this one must too... even if that means leaving first child short now. Note that new child is allowed more than first child- no problems with her getting a foreign holiday. Which leads to...
8. Insist that older child doesn't need to come on your family holiday because she got one with her mum.

And if all that doesn't teach you daughter that she isn't important and isn't a member of your new family...

1. Encourage you to move away- preferable somewhere at least 3 hours away. And then moan if your exW doesn't want to do half the driving.... making it again her fault.

Hopefully this script will help you spot what is happening. I'd love to believe that you partner is a good person, but she's clearly heading down this path already. And if she gets you down it, in years to come there will always be:

10. Tell you not to leave your daughter anything in your will because she never tried to have a relationship with you.

Please, for your daughter's sake... be smarter than this.

Spots on scantily, see it time and time again on here.

I know I acted like a xxxx, but the marriage wasn’t functioning properly

This is just weird, your marriage was not a mechanical engine that just went wrong..it's likely you (and exw) didn't have the skills to make it work but I do apportion more responsibility on you as you choose to go outside of the marriage.

I suspect you will be a man who has multiple failed relationships, each with children.
Don't just say you were cxxx say what you failed to do...it is only through taking responsibility that you will learn...sounds harsh but you are in danger of repeating your marriage and be in the same place in a few years.

Start with this money and do the RIGHT thing as others suggest.

Your new partner sounds very hard and unyielding, OP. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship when you can't do the right thing for your child without being made to feel rubbish about it?

Your new girlfriend sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Your commitment to your child should be stronger than any broken marriage vow. I’d never, ever abandon my child and I’m doing my upmost to give both of them all they need. My Stbex has pushed off and pays nothing so far.

I think my children will judge for themselves what kind of people we are. How can you possible consider not paying for your DD for this short time at nursery! Why doesn’t the OW fund herself? You’ve picked a grade A b*tch there.

CSA money doesn’t cover the cost of raising a child anyway!

You didn't give your wife the house. She bought out your half by taking on your share of matrimonial debts.

CSA is bare minimum, not an expression of the child's needs.

You are supplying your daughter with a step parent who resents your previous child.

You're a real catch.

Scantily - excellent post I'm saving that for future similar threads.

Anyone else thinking op having a "scales falling from his eyes" experience right now due at least in part to this thread?

OP has posted this exact same these on pistonheads, without mentioning the affair.

The responses are pretty much identical.

@fuzzywuzzy that is interesting and heartening actually- the only difference being they are more scathing of the other women (golddigger etc)

The other interesting point is that its an extra £100 a month which if she is in childcare say 4 days a week at say £60 a day (on the low side) that is around 10% of the childcare he is paying for so its not massive either

Yes it is interesting - not only that they think she's unreasonable, but that she's out for herself.

£100 is nothing really in the scheme of things.

Op did you really expect a different response there?

Has the OP come back to clarify anything? Or hiding terrified under a rock (or girlfriends thumb)........

He sounds like an ok man. Affairs happen. Life isn’t always straightforward. It really isn’t cool - but he’s doing the right thing and putting his daughter first, making sure the impact on her is lessened. I applaud him and his ex wife for that.

The new partner sounds deeply unpleasant. Any reasonable woman would see a man wanting to fully and generously provide for his child as a catch. Exactly the kind of behaviour that makes you want to have someone babies - because you’d know they’re decent. She sees it as a flaw. Alarm bells should be ringing.

Completely agree with Cauliflower & everyone else. Take proper care of your DD & tell your DP to stay out of it!

@findthegap- not sure what that is- are the answers vastly different?

Your child always comes before anyone else. Tell your new woman to sling her hook.

Your new DP doesn’t give a shit about your daughter - as evidenced by the fact that she doesn’t want you to support a stable home and nursery for her - rather, she wants that money directed at herself. Your daughter, as she grows, will know that this person is not on her side. You will have brought into her life someone who has negative feelings about her.

Poor little kid. Your girlfriend sounds like a nasty piece of work. Stay with your instinct to care for your child and do the right thing.

Because to do anything else makes you an arsehole.

Hello, thanks for all your replies. It just confirmed what I already knew. I was using this to try and get into her head that other folk saw this as wrong, and that I wasn’t imagining it. I used this and PistonHeads to show that it was both men and women who saw this as fundamentally wrong.

She actually isn’t a monster, but this is a red line. And fortunately for my daughter I’ve grown my pair back...