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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is my new partner right, or my ex?

159 replies

Grant12 · 19/07/2018 15:39

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice from ideally womens’ point of view...
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Impartially, what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Gazelda · 19/07/2018 16:58

Your wife took on the family debt. You are willing to pay her CSA minimum. You are being influenced by your new DP to stop paying DD's nursery fees. You are expecting a baby with the woman you left your wife for and who you are still legally married to.
Your wife had a lucky escape. I expect it will be your DD who finds herself edged out of your life.
Shameful.

rainingcatsanddog · 19/07/2018 16:58

I'd be asking current partner why she's threatened by your dd who's been around longer than she has.

AnnaNimmity · 19/07/2018 17:01

why would you want to be with someone who's insisting you pay CSA minimum for your first daughter. You do know that's barely enough to live on don't you? Your new girlfriend sounds horrendous tbh.

TeddyBubbles1 · 19/07/2018 17:02

Your child comes first regardless of pregnant partner. She knew you had a child when she met you so should understand your need to provide for her. You really need to set the boundaries now or as time goes by you will end up with a very unhappy ex wife, child and unhappy new partner and child! She does sound very immature. Get to RELATE now!!!

MissVanjie · 19/07/2018 17:03

Crikey

Before i saw your update op i was about to advise you not to continue with this relationship out of the ‘sunk costs fallacy’ ie this woman is showing herself up now to be a bit of a cunt, but you may feel like you gave up so much and hurt so many people and betrayed your own internal mora code to be with her so you’ve no choice but to see it through and make it work. That’s the sunk costs fallacy.

But she’s pregnant. Well, good luck with all that.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 19/07/2018 17:06

You are doing right by your first child. Luckily your ExW has been pretty grown up about it.

Your current partner has pretty much proved she’s out for what she can get. You need to be boundaried to protect all your children

Maybugger · 19/07/2018 17:09

....killing my soul....
Seriously? You should have thought about that before you wrecked your marriage, deceived your DW and blew your DD's life apart.
Here's to the future op, and best of luck you're going to need it with an attitude like her's

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 17:09

What a mess you’ve got yourself into eh.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 17:10

How many nights a week / fortnight do you have your DD?

bastardkitty · 19/07/2018 17:11

Maybe choose your next affair partner more carefully because this one sounds a really nasty piece of work.

Oswin · 19/07/2018 17:13

I wonder how long it will be till you and this shit find a reason to move away. Then contact will be monthly, then nothing.

movinggoalposts · 19/07/2018 17:15

Oh dear. The way I see it is that the child from your first family shouldn’t suffer because you’ve created a second family. I’d pay up for the stability of nursery because your daughter has already lost enough stability and there’s more upheaval to follow with the new baby...

As for your DP feeling it’s unreasonable, as a second partner you have to suck it up. I speak from experience!!

Ginger1982 · 19/07/2018 17:16

You should be doing everything you can for your daughter. You have destroyed her world. Was OW pregnant before you left your wife?

JimWilsonBell · 19/07/2018 17:18

I take it your DP doesn't have children or does and her XP pays the minimum. What you pay is up to you!!

I have been on both side of the fence here. My XH had children from his XW and paid maintenance. When we first met he paid quite a lot because he was single and had moved back home with his parents. When we had children, got married and bought a house we agreed with XW to pay less because we couldn't afford to live!! She was way better off than us with no mortgage because she inherited property from her parents.

When my XH and I split I wanted a 50/50 agreement (literally everything was split) so that no money would change hands and no animosity could breed!! And it works for us. The deal is he has a house big enough for the children to live there 50% of the time and, god forbid, if anything happened to me.

I don't know how much your XP earns but as far as I know Child Tax Credit doesn't take into account maintenance or outgoings, so she could claim that as well. I know my XHs XW was sooooo much more comfortable than we were but that was her circumstances.

As long as everybody has enough money for a roof over their head and enough food in their bellies then it's all good. Lifestyle should be roughly the same but effort should be the same.

MissVanjie · 19/07/2018 17:18

“I wonder how long it will be till you and this shit find a reason to move away. Then contact will be monthly, then nothing.”

Yup

Sittingonaspindryer · 19/07/2018 17:19

Where were her 'principles' when she decided to get involved with a married man who already had a family?

I was going to say, don't have a child with this woman. She does not sound pleasant. But I see it is too late. You are going to have to make it very clear to the new woman that your first child will not go without because of your second. That she is already having to deal with her parents living apart and that every bit of stability she can get is essential.

Sadly I fear that if this is how she is behaving already that this is going to be another child with separated parents. Sad

RandomMess · 19/07/2018 17:20

Ask your current partner how she would like her child prioritised if you split up....

Would she just like the legal minimum?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2018 17:20

,She is at best a girlfriend well the I they're likely living together and are having a child together. That makes her a partner surely.

he's now debt free and mortgage free as a result of an amazing ex-wife well he's mortgage free because he doesn't have a house...

MissVanjie · 19/07/2018 17:21

Mind you the ex sounds pretty great and like she has her shit together so i’m sure it won’t be long before she has men after her, let’s hope she’s learnt her lesson about weak charming cheaters and levels up a bit. She does sound like the person best placed to give this child everything she needs in life, including a decent male role model :)

starryeyed19 · 19/07/2018 17:23

It's difficult to be impartial when it comes to things like this but I think the house and paying for nursery fees as well as CSA maintenance is a good start.

Your daughter's needs will change as she grows older. So your contribution should too. I think you're being a responsible, fair parent and your new partner IBU.

fuzzywuzzy · 19/07/2018 17:23

What do you think your daughter will think of you as she gets older and realises you are spending money on your girlfriend but refusing to financially support her basic needs?

I’ve got an ex who wouldn’t pay without the threat of CSA and even then tries to not pay. Our children have very little time for him and he’d better hope his new partners there to wipe his arse when he’s old and infirm becuause our children won’t be.

Do you as a rational logical individual feel you are contributing fairly towards the financial support of your young child?

Will you be contributing only the amount you pay towards your current child towards any future children you have with your current partner? Will you stop feeding/housing/clothing them when you have spent whatever amount the CSA reckons is your fair contribution?

Ditch the new partner. She should be funding her own lifestyle not expecting you to contribute to her instead of to your daughter.

SciFiFan2015 · 19/07/2018 17:25

@SleepingStandingUp well he doesn't say he's homeless so he must be living somewhere and sounds like it's with the new partner with whom he must be sharing costs. We have no idea what new living circumstances he's in...but he hasn't mentioned being homeless.

HollyGibney · 19/07/2018 17:26

OW sounds like a right nasty cunt and you sound like a complete weakling.

I can't be arsed to say anything else. A decent person wouldn't think like this or need a second opinion.

amilosingitor · 19/07/2018 17:30

Quite frankly I have no polite words for what your "new partner" is. The pair of you are vile regardless of this but this just makes it ten times worse. You're funding her lifestyle? The lifestyle she did not choose when she entered into a faithful marriage with you? Pack it in.

jalady385 · 19/07/2018 17:37

Of course you should still pay towards you child's childcare. If you were still married you would. This is actually about your child not your ex. Your agreement with your ex sounds fair and it means you DD life isn't turned upside down by the split.
Your new partner isn't trying to take away from your wife she would be actually taking away from your child if she had her way please remember that.