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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 06:46

I tried to be got an email about change of details and changed them back !!!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 27/07/2018 07:25

Call the bank. Block the card as lost.
Then get the account back.
Do you know how much is in it.

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 07:27

No he claims nothing. Was a lot at end I may. ..

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 27/07/2018 07:49

But have you asked to see the balance..

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 07:51

Yes strangely he won't show me

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/07/2018 08:22

Go to a branch in person with ID etc. Are these in your sole or joint names?

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 08:33

Sole name mine

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 27/07/2018 08:37

Go to bank with proof. Of ID
Tell them to stop card on account.
Ask for balance... Statement
Order new card to address your at.
Change email on bank account.
Open a new one if you have too.

Tiddleypops · 27/07/2018 08:53

This is YOUR account OP - please go to the bank in person and get it changed into your name and change the address and email address while you are at it so he can't just go online and change them back!

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 09:17

In his eyes it is all his. He has calculated what I would have earned if I hadn't married him so that is what I can have !!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 27/07/2018 09:21

Stop doing this.
You were a partner in a marriage.
You raised children so he could work.
You own half... He is going to try to stitch you up, just don't engage..
Claim your account and use it...
Put a block on anyone else taking money out.
As if you have any other accounts at the bank...
Fight for your rights, you own half...

mummmy2017 · 27/07/2018 09:24

Oh and ask for the forensic accountant.
If your work half a million, bet its not even 10% of your net worth of the marriage.

eggncress · 27/07/2018 10:46

When dealing with banks sad, they won’t do much over the phone as it could be anybody trying to access the money.

Go to the bank with some ID
Payslip
Marriage/ birth certificate
Proof of address
Photo ID ... passport

If you didn’t manage to get any of this when you left tell your lawyer / police and ask for the account to be frozen so he can’t access it at least.
But go to the bank in person. Explain your situation and go from there.
Do what you’re doing, showing an interest in the kids via the school .

The cereal is nothing. Shouting because you’re being abused is not the issue here. The law will see through that.
It’s a known abusive bully tactic to claim the victim is the abuser/ mentally ill/ a bad mother/ control freak etc !

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 12:17

Ok so pop in next week and get things sorted. He will be furious

OP posts:
eggncress · 27/07/2018 12:45

Yes go for it, it’s your account, your money!
Yes he will be furious but that’s a good thing surely? It means he’s lost control over you but you’re in a safe place away from him.
You can even offer to treat the kids with some of the moneySmile

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 13:10

Well as I am a gold digger might as well x

OP posts:
eggncress · 27/07/2018 13:40

You are not a gold digger.
He married you. You had kids ( his choice too)
You stayed at home / worked less when the kids were younger so he could work full time and earn a lot of money as well as progress in his career. You enabled that.

If you were not there doing that he would have had to give up his job/ go part time or pay a fortune in childcare.
If you were not doing what you did for the kids he would have a lot less money than he has.

He thinks he is well off due to his own hard work but it’s really because of you giving up your career/ future work prospects.

That is why you are entitled to at least half of everything Including his pension.

Believe me sad, it’s not his money!
He has brainwashed you ( and the kids) into believing it is!

Sistersofmercy101 · 27/07/2018 18:46

sad this IS your money - he is legally and morally stealing from you - and had been for YEARS!

  • He's used YOUR personal tax resources
  • He used your work and unpaid effort as childcare for the children
  • he used your work and unpaid labour as a cook
  • he used your unpaid labour as an organiser
  • he used your unpaid labour as a cleaner
  • he used your unpaid labour as an after school / holiday childcare
  • he used your unpaid labour as a 'nurse' when the children or he were unwell. Think if he'd havenot had this unpaid HOW much would it have cost him to a) pay for these ESSENTIAL jobs to be done? b) how much would it have cost him in terms of career and business progression? ?? YOU'VE EARNED THIS MONEY THROUGH BLOODY HARD HONEST TO GOD WORK! He's an entitled abusive THIEF!! Angry Good luck, you sound absolutely lovely and you deserve so much to have a worry free peaceful happy good life! Flowers
hownowbrowncoww · 27/07/2018 19:22

In his eyes it is all his. He has calculated what I would have earned if I hadn't married him so that is what I can have !!

But you did marry him and the law says you’re entitled to start at receiving 50% if all assets in the event of divorce and then you go from there to decided who gets anything extra outside of the initial 50:50 starting point.

It’s irrelevant about being a gold digger/not being a gold digger, what you’d earned if you weren’t married to him/were.

Perhaps imagine you need the money to help your dc in future. Imagine he remarries and the new wife gets it all and not your dc. This happens time and time again. The controller would rather anyone gets that money other than you. If that doesn’t happen they lost control, and that’s unacceptable. So stop being controlled now. Get people to help you including solicitors, counselling, womensaid anyone else who’s familiar with this kind of scenario. All the best OP

blueangel1 · 27/07/2018 19:49

And stop believing what he says. He is an abusive liar. Abusers lie because they use it to control. I've lived with it and so has my DP when he was with his ex. It's about control and feeling that they are "winning". Don't give him the satisfaction as he's a twat.

Original poster
sad9999 · 01/08/2018 23:30

Idiot won't respond to divorce papers. This isn't going to be easy

OP posts:
eggncress · 02/08/2018 00:00

He will have to be taken to court then.
Never done this but I think fees can be paid at the end of the settlement ( from the assets)
Keep going sad !Smile
Show him you’re far stronger than he ever thought you were !

Remember to chase up your account at the bank too. That money could come in very handy for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2018 00:32

Well, no one expected it would be easy, wanker that he is. But it will be so so so SO worth it in the end.

And he may not respond to the divorce papers, but he certainly WILL respond to "Mr/Ms Justice Don't-Fuck-With-Me-Buddy"! I wish I could find "WellWhoKnew's" threads in which she details her wanker of an ex and his interactions with the judge in their divorce. Highly entertaining!

So just relax and rely on your solicitor. Let them handle the paperwork AND him.

If you haven't, may I suggest that you start a written or recorded journal for any time he contacts you? Dates, times, what he said (although of course you should keep any texts or messages). Also record in this journal dates, times, and any conversations with your children in which they are parroting him or relaying his threats/messages.

Written journals aren't hard-core 'evidence', but they certainly do tell your side of the story.

Original poster
sad9999 · 02/08/2018 00:57

Apparently he will divorce me when he is ready

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 02/08/2018 08:14

sad999 - WOW how amazing are you to get through all this. What an absolute Twat - fight for what you are entitled too - the thing to remember whatever you do he will critise you and try and poison your children. He’s soooo cruel. What a miserable fucker he is.
You are doing the best for your children and your son seems to know this and your daughter will get there.
YOU are continuing to protect them and YOU have there best interests at heart.
Google “flying moneys” which you will see is someone he has influenced to contact you.
It would be good if you could block him - do you need to continue to listen to his venom. He is a snake.
How could someone do this to their children. He sadly really doesn’t care about them and he is using them as a weapon.
Keep moving forward - DO NOT GO BACK. Your life WILL get better. 🌺

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