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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 16/07/2018 18:24

Exactly. He doesn't sound like he'd WANT them full time. Too much bloody effort and he's used to you doing it.
He's using the kids against you. Stick to your guns.

eggncress · 16/07/2018 18:33

What is your solicitor saying about all this?
Has anyone suggested forensic accountants at all? They will find out exactly what he’s worth.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/07/2018 18:36

And that's the main reason to go to court.

But you know deep down that no offer he makes of his own volition is going to be fair. And that includes what he says about the DC, too.

That's why he doesn't want to go to court. Because he knows he'll have to make a full financial disclosure and that any settlement will be based on the facts, not him bullying you.

LittleMissBananaHammock · 16/07/2018 18:46

Just read this thread. Op, you’ve come such a long way. Please leave it up to the solicitors. When he messages you, tell him to send you the same message via the solicitors. The children will come around. They really will. Good luck OP. Flowers

fleshmarketclose · 16/07/2018 19:01

Exh told me he was having the dc but dd is 15 and wouldn't have stayed with him and when push comes to shove he doesn't want them all that much anyway even when I put no limitations on. Exh thought if he kept the dc I wouldn't leave but once he knew I'd go anyway he went instead so the dc kept their home most likely because he didn't want the work involved in raising two dc with autism. Stay strong he thinks he can get what he wants by manipulating the dc. Get your fair settlement build a home for you and the dc and they will come to you.

Beach11 · 16/07/2018 19:04

The is domestic violence. Report it & leave him, taking the DC with you. Otherwise, he will say you abandoned them if he takes you to court for custody.
I’m sure there is legal aid available for divorce when it due to domestic violence.
Sending big hugs

Original poster
sad9999 · 16/07/2018 19:26

Thank you for your comments splitting headache will post more info tomorrow

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/07/2018 01:33

Feel better. Hope you get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow maybe set up an appt with your solicitor to see if there's anything that can be done about his harassing you with his 'offers' and threats. Because that's what it is. Harassment.

gingergenius · 18/07/2018 06:31

Look up 'coercive control' because it's a crime now.

I think this is a good example. www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Wallywobbles · 19/07/2018 20:44

How are you getting on big you haven't succumbed to his blackmail you are a stronger woman than most. What he's doing is certainly on the Grey side of legal. Is your lawyer any good!

Wallywobbles · 19/07/2018 20:44

For "big" read "if".

Original poster
sad9999 · 19/07/2018 21:47

Lawyer good. Just so tired. Running in empty

OP posts:
eggncress · 19/07/2018 23:55

You are doing fantastic Sad. You may not realise it but you really are. Be kind to yourself don’t beat yourself up if you feel you can’t function and allow yourself plenty of rest.
Just focus on a day at a time.

You are an inspiration.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/07/2018 01:10

I'll bet you are tired! Can you take a half day off work and just veg or do something for yourself, like visit a museum or wander around looking in shop windows? You need some de-stress time. Although I know it's hard to get all this shit out of your head!

redastherose · 21/07/2018 10:10

Your DC's are teenagers, they can see you whether he lets them or not. He is using them to put pressure on you to accept what is probably a fraction of what you are entitled to. You could also find that your DC's then still refuse or aren't allowed to see you and have been lying at his instigation. The only way you can best help your children is being in a financial position to provide a nice alternative place to live and a decent lifestyle which you will have eventually if you take everything you are entitled to during the divorce.

RightyHoChaps · 22/07/2018 22:20

How are you OP? Been a while since I checked back but just wanted to see how you're doing? Flowers

Original poster
sad9999 · 24/07/2018 07:10

Not good miss them. Can't imagine life without them

OP posts:
RightyHoChaps · 24/07/2018 12:17

The majority of divorces (without considering domestic abuse) end with the children living with mum. Ordered by the court. If you wanted sole custody, the evidence you have of his abusive behaviour stands in your favour.

Keep going OP, you are doing so well. Your children need you to be strong and you are doing that by standing up for yourself, refusing to take this crap anymore.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2018 20:53

You don't need to imagine a life without them because that's not going to happen! He's got you so brainwashed, love, and you've got to start getting him out of your head.

eggncress · 24/07/2018 21:21

It was inevitable that there would be a period of no contact from the kids because he didn’t get his way. That’s what he said would happen but don’t worry it won’t last.
Try to be strong and work with your lawyer, social services if need be and use the evidence he unthinkingly gave you against him.All those coercive, abusive texts which demonstrate his manipulation of you and his own kids.

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 04:06

I am wobbling is it all my fault. We did run out of cereal occasionally. His pet moan was lack of his favourite cereal. I did shout when I was shattered doing everything. Perhaps they are better of without me

OP posts:
Churrolicious · 27/07/2018 04:23

It’s cereal lovely. His behaviour is not a kind or proportionate reaction to running out of cereal.

Everything feels worse at this time of the morning.

43percentburnt · 27/07/2018 04:51

Don’t wobble!

If you get your rightful share of assets you can pay for private school and music lessons. More importantly you will be in control, not having to beg him or try to persuade him to pay.

Just keep telling the children that you are always there for them. They can decorate their own rooms. Stay over whenever they want. Invite friends to stay. You love them. Keep repeating it.

Keep at communications for court as his behaviour is awful and shows his main focus is keeping his money.

Can the kids access counselling through school?

Original poster
sad9999 · 27/07/2018 05:59

I have spoken to the schools and explained we have seperated they are supporting the children. He hasnt contacted the schools. He wont he thinks he can do everything. Just had one of his relatives textung. Apparently I should walk away with nothing and it is the mothers job to do everything for the kids. I did point out we live in the 2000s not the 1950s. Explain a lot about his attitude. So glad to never have to see them again

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 27/07/2018 06:27

Did you claim your bank accounts back?
As there maybe more, that are in your
name.
Someone this controlling won't let you have the children., and your DD is not going to change.
All you can do is move forward, and hold onto the fact of how different your days are now you don't get abused.
Don't go back, your my age and deserve a life, take what your due, and make sure you do it all legally, if he threatens too take her out of private school, tell him that if he wishes to impair his child future then you don't see what you can do too change that.