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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
Original poster
sad9999 · 13/07/2018 17:25

Problem is he has got the kids involved they will life with me half tbe time if I stop the court action if I don't they won't see me

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RandomMess · 13/07/2018 17:30

The thing is where the kids live is bullshit!!! They are teens they could choose to live with him 100% of the time and not see you despite what any court agreement says.

He is using it as a carrot but it's meaningless due to their ages.

eggncress · 13/07/2018 17:56

But it’s not up to him where the kids live. As they are teens they may decide they would rather live with him or they might see the light of day and decide to live with you. This is regardless of whether you accept his offer. He is using that carrot again. You should just ignore it.

All he’s worried about is money. The kids are just his pawns and he probably won’t want to live with them anyway ( too much hassle for him)

I would call his bluff.

kaitlinktm · 13/07/2018 17:56

Problem is he has got the kids involved they will life with me half tbe time if I stop the court action if I don't they won't see me

You would be foolish to make a decision based on this. Firstly, if you do stop the court action, you don't know that they will see you anyway - and they may well carry on the abuse, because you haven't stood up to him. If you do carry on with court, then not only will you likely get a better deal, they may well come round anyway, judging by the previous experience of pp on here. Then you will be better placed to look after them.

It would be galling to give up and then he still poisons them against you wouldn't it?

RightyHoChaps · 13/07/2018 17:59

I can tell you, your children will eventually see your side and they will eventually see that your stbx is the awful, controlling, abusive man he is.

My Mum left my Dad when I was 7. I was devastated and hurt. I loved my Daddy so so much and I cried for him every single night I went to bed.
Once I got into my teens I saw how much he didn't really care and I was able to see things from a different perspective.

My father was an abusive bastard. I remember him physically throwing my mum from one end of the lounge to the other. Picking up and beating my sister who was 12. My mum did everything in the house, she worked full time, raised two girls and looked after his terminally ill mother. He was and still is a shit father.

My sister, incidentally, who was 13 at the time of their split, blamed mum and had awful arguments with her (she really hated Mum). Some years later, she, like me, saw that it was better that Mum had left.

Keep telling your children you love them and that they are ALWAYS welcome to come with you wherever you are... and in time (as painful as it will be in the interim) they will see you made the best decision for all of you.

Thinking of you OP Flowers I think you are wonderfully brave (even if you don't feel you are)

Original poster
sad9999 · 13/07/2018 18:54

Thank you for sharing. Give your mum a big hug xx

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AcrossthePond55 · 13/07/2018 21:44

PPs are right! Let him bluster. The children will decide where they want to be no matter what. His 'promise' means absolutely nothing. Do you really think he's going to say "Off to lovely Mummy's now, darlings" just because you agreed to take his pitiful offer? Hell, no. If he does make them come (which I doubt) he'll tell them they have to or nasty Mummy will take all his money.

Stick to your guns. You'll need to wait for the DC to come around of their own accord. It will be worth the wait to have them come because they realize that you were right all along.

Original poster
sad9999 · 15/07/2018 20:20

Ds is pleading with me to accept the offer it means he can see me !!! I think he really does want to see me shame his bastard of a father cant be trusted not to change yhe rules. ..

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RandomMess · 15/07/2018 20:28

"You can see me whenever you want, when would you like me to pick you up?"

Original poster
sad9999 · 15/07/2018 20:33

I think he is scared to go against his dad's wishes

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RandomMess · 15/07/2018 20:38

Can you see him after school, ask why he's not allowed to see you - anything in writing you can use to get professional help involved?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2018 21:32

His dad has put him up to that, mark my words!!

Unfortunately, you'll have to stand strong. Tell DS that you are willing to meet him whenever he likes right now. And that once the legalities are formalized you'll be able to see each other as much as he wants and his dad will be unable to put obstacles in the way. That, in fact, once the legalities are formalized you will have a nice, peaceful home for him to come to, and money to spend on him. I might be tempted to add that if I accept your dad's offer, I will have neither. Up to you how you think DS will accept that last bit.

Original poster
sad9999 · 15/07/2018 21:58

I think the problem is I want to believe it

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eggncress · 15/07/2018 22:01

Almost certainly this is an other episode of manipulation!
Your ds probably knows nothing about the legal side of things. This is his dad talking !

Say to your ds that it’s not up to dad whether he sees you or not.
As above, suggest a time and place to meet. Tell him Dad doesn’t need to know if he’s frightened of making Dad angry. Tell him it’s more complicated than Dad makes out though but you’ll try to explain face to face and that you can’t wait to see him.

At least sounds like ds wants to see you, that’s a positive turn of events !
If he’s not allowed try to get it in text /writing to use as evidence.

Keep your cool and don’t make any rash decisions you may regret.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2018 22:17

I know you do, love. I currently have a situation going on in my life and I dearly want to believe a certain thing will happen because if it did it would make a huge difference in my life, and in the life of someone I love. I have to tell myself many times a day not pin my hopes on this one thing, but oh, it's so hard. But I DO keep reminding myself, every day, and I base my decisions and actions on this thing NOT happening. So must you.

You know you can't trust him. You know he wants nothing more than to cause you pain. You know he wants to see you ground into the dust. You have to keep this foremost in your mind every single time his words are relayed to you. He is a liar. He is a destroyer.

Original poster
sad9999 · 15/07/2018 22:25

Hope you get the outcome you want acrossthepond xx

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Rachaelmerry · 16/07/2018 14:00

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
sad9999 · 16/07/2018 16:18

My last chance to accept his offer or screw him instead and never see the kids again

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/07/2018 16:37

It's all a bluff, Sad9999, and when you're not feeling scared of him, you know it's a bluff. Your Ex has found out from his solicitor how much you're likely to get and will say absolutely anything to get you to settle out of court. The money will come in very handy for the DC. So stick to your guns.

You know your Ex. How likely is he to do all the everyday things that your DC need? To have the patience to parent them the way you always have done? Because he's not going to become a conscientious daddy overnight.

The DC will soon be back with you. There will be rocky times ahead, there always are after a messy split and your poor DC have been coached to abuse you. But it's all up to be resolved and healed going forward.

Have faith. You're doing all the right things. Your DC know you love them x

Original poster
sad9999 · 16/07/2018 16:41

Just want to kidnap them and run a long way away

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fhefelineofthespecies · 16/07/2018 16:42

OP as pp have mentioned he actually has very little control over whether or not you see the kids. That's up to the judge and the kids themselves. It's your choice of course, but if you accept, it sends a message to your children that he was in the right all along and could actually set you back further in terms of the way they see you. Rewrite his threat to 'if you seek a fair settlement decided by an impartial person (judge) I'll try to stop you seeing your children'. It exposes what he's saying for the absurdity it is. He knows he owes you so much more and he's shitting it.

eggncress · 16/07/2018 17:08

Do you really trust him to keep to his side of the bargain?

If he had the kids interests in mind he would not be hell bent on depriving them of a normal, loving relationship with their mum.
Money=Power and he’s terrified of losing it.
He is out for himself and himself alone !

You can go ahead with his offer but I think he will be out to destroy you anyway. Simply because he’s so used to controlling you and having his way. You actually dared to leave him, even had the nerve to get your own solicitor (!) so he is not likely to ever be reasonable with you. He will always try to manipulate you. He will still poison the kids against you and you will be worse off financially.

So I think the best thing you can do is get yourself in a suitably strong position, mentally and financially to be be able to have a comfortable lifestyle yourself and to be able to help your kids when ( not if) their lightbulbs eventually switch on.
All theses threats from him are just more manipulation.

Stay strong. You’ve done marvellously so far! KOKO and screw him!

Tiddleypops · 16/07/2018 17:39

OP, you are doing so well, right down to posting here for help and encouragement. He doesn't get to decide any of the things he is claiming he'll do. You stick to telling the kids you are doing things the official way to make sure everything works out right for them. Tell them he doesn't get to decide. Keep his written threats as evidence.

You are an inspiration OP. You might not feel it right now because you are weathering the storm but your strength is amazing Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 16/07/2018 18:14

He can't be trusted. And he's got inside your head. You know he's a liar.

Stick to your guns. I think you need to speak to your solicitor and repeat his words to them. They'll tell you the truth, that to accept his offer is tantamount to financial suicide. If they thought his offer was reasonable or that you stood to lose your children they would have told you that themselves.

Original poster
sad9999 · 16/07/2018 18:23

I think the problem is nobody except him knows if it is a good offer. I think the kids 50 50 wool help him out as he knows i would still do more than 50 with all the dentist's etc. He would never do

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