My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Help me leave my abusive husband

543 replies

sad9999 · 27/05/2018 17:38

Fed up if being called a fat cow fed up him controlling the money and fed up of his refusals to help and up of him encouraging the kids to swear at me and call me a fucking ciunt. He undermines me constantly the kids side they won't leave withme. How can I leave them.

OP posts:
Report
eggncress · 07/08/2018 10:10

sad you’re a strong person just for getting away from him, so just keep reminding yourself of that.

The texts are just his way of trying to exert control from a distance. Remember,that’s the only way he can control you now. He sounds sooo desperate and pathetic. Assuming the kids have own phones? In which case just block him. Block him for a day, even, to get a rest. You can unblock at any time. Do you reply to his texts? If so I would stop.

You say you’d rather the kids were in care than with him. I would agree with that. At least they wouldn’t continue living in an abusive environment. If it were my kids I would report him to police and social services in the hope they would get them out. It’s in their best interests, for sure, to be well away from him.They may thank you for it in years to come

Take it a day at a time. Things will get better, it’s a long process but it will be worth it.

Report
sad9999 · 07/08/2018 10:15

I know if I report he will make counter allegations so we both would loose any chance of a relationship. He wants me back...

OP posts:
Report
eggncress · 07/08/2018 10:54

Counter allegations for what though? You have lots of evidence in the form of controlling and abusive text messages. You have the financial abuse regarding the bank accounts ( and his text messages confirming it )

You could have a word with your solicitor regarding the likey outcome if he accuses you
Of course he wants you back...you did all the hard work around the house and looked after the kids. You took the mental load for the whole family. And he in return chose to repay you with abuse.He misses having someone to control.
Probably more than anything , he wants you back firmly under control so you can’t claim your share of the marital assets. Don’t be taken in by him. He doesn’t love you because people don’t abuse those they love. That’s all there is to it really and I don’t see how there can be any going back from that.
Google “The Freedom Programme” and “Why does he do that”

Please don’t go back to him. You have come so far and will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse from him and your kids.

Report
eggncress · 07/08/2018 11:14

“Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. There is a free pdf version you can download

Report
RandomMess · 07/08/2018 11:16

He only wants you back as his skivvy, person to abuse to make him feel big and because he doesn't want to hand YOUR money over.

Thanks

Report
FiloPasty · 07/08/2018 11:51

Oh sad just read the full thread, you are amazing!!! Keep strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I think you should go to the police, the way he is behaving is criminal! What does your solicitor say?
Have you been into the banks yet with ID, again this is a criminal offence, he is worried because he has no right to the money as it’s in your name!
Pay for an Experian report, this will show you any accounts and cards in both of your names for your address.
Keep strong we’re all rooting for you x

Report
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2018 15:48

Of course he wants you back! He needs a whipping boy, an object for his abuse. And most abusive men know that finding (and keeping) such a willing victim is not easy. Think about what's involved. First they have to 'scout out' women who appear to be vulnerable. Then they have to put on their 'nice face' and work hard at hiding who they truly are. It takes lots of time (and money) to bamboozle a woman into the position you've been in for so long. Neither of which he wants to expend. He'd rather just have his already conditioned victim back.

But you aren't going back. You've already come too far for that. It may not feel like it, but you are way beyond halfway in your journey away from him. I'm not talking about the legalities. I'm talking about the fact that you now see him for what he is. That's more than half the battle. What remains is strengthening and hardening your ability to ignore his abuse. And you're doing that, too, although he still gets to you more often than he doesn't. But that will change. There are so many many threads on MN of women who have turned that corner. You will too.

Both of your children have mobile phones, yes? If they need you they can contact you directly. So you can block him. Or you can just tell him (and the DC) he's been blocked. He won't know if you do or don't block him. On the flip side, I know that although those texts are demoralizing, the judge will see them for what they are, evidence of his abusive behaviour. Have you spoken to your solicitor? I'm sure there are steps that can be taken legally to prevent the abusive messages and/or make all communications go through your respective solicitors.

Is there any way you can get yourself a new phone and number? Give that number out for your day to day needs and keep the old phone sitting in a drawer in silent mode and check his messages only once a day. Now, obvs you won't be able to give the number to the DC, but you can check for their messages more often without reading his. I know those nasty messages will still be there, but at least you won't be hearing that 'ping' all throughout the day and continually reading his abuse as it comes in. Instead, you can check it once a day, at a time of your own choosing when you are mentally (somewhat) prepared for it.

As another option, when BFF was divorcing her ex used to send horribly abusive emails. She'd put all emails from her ex in a folder, unread. I'd read them and let her know anything she needed to know but wouldn't pass on anything abusive or nasty. Maybe you could do the same with your phone. Leave the messages unread until someone can read them first and just pass on what you need to know.

As far as when will it come to an end, that part of it IS in your control. The answer is when you get to the point where he can't get to you that way. It was an epiphany to me when I realized that although I cannot really control another person's actions, I can 100% control my reaction to them. It takes time and effort, but it can be done.

Report
AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2018 15:49

Wow, that was LONG! Sorry.

Report
sad9999 · 07/08/2018 21:10

Thank you that is really helpful xx

OP posts:
Report
FiloPasty · 10/08/2018 16:51

Hope you’re ok Sad

Report
sad9999 · 10/08/2018 21:09

Really really struggling can't live without my children. Really not sure what to do

OP posts:
Report
kaitlinktm · 10/08/2018 21:14

You won't always be without them - try not to weaken Sad9999 - take on the advice of your solicitor. Flowers

Report
AcrossthePond55 · 10/08/2018 21:28

I think you do know what to do. But you're afraid of doing it. That's normal. That bastard has planted the seeds of fear and doubt in your head and it's so hard to get that out.

You won't lose your children. You really, really won't. There may be some rough seas ahead, but your children aren't fools and they will see him for what he is. Especially once he realizes that you really aren't coming back. He'll turn on them as his next victims. And there you will be in your safe new home, waiting with nonjudgmental and loving open arms. And they will turn to you.

Report
sad9999 · 10/08/2018 21:56

How long though how much of their childhood wasted.

OP posts:
Report
blueangel1 · 10/08/2018 22:01

They're not little DCs though sad, they're teens and well on the way to being adults. They're getting to the stage where they're going to be responsible for their own decisions and it's more than likely they will get sick of their DF's shit.

Report
eggncress · 10/08/2018 22:57

Be patient, stay strong, don’t be frightened by him and what he says.
You kids will come to you. They are not little children any more and will soon see their dad for what he is.
It will be worth it. Listen to your solicitor. Keep going.

Report
AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2018 01:55

Love, they are teenagers, not toddlers. As far as childhood 'wasted' you have given them the best childhood you were able to given the circumstances. But the majority of their childhood is behind them now.

Now, you need to give them a safe space in which to grow into independent and confident adults. Do you think they're going to learn independence and good decision making skills with that abusive controlling man? Of course not. He will bully them into going to uni exactly where he says and doing exactly what he wants career-wise.

You being able to provide a separate home in which they are free to express themselves and make their own decisions (and mistakes) with a compassionate and calm mother is just what they need.

Report
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.