Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Hi @LouiseEmily30 .
Wow, using guilt and emotional blackmail to try and pressure you into sex - that is pretty low. Definitely sounds as though he has his head in the sand and is hoping you'll change your mind. There are a lot of similarities on this thread! Please come back and vent when you need to.

I am 'lucky' - I am sleeping in my son's bottom bunk. It's very peaceful! H still doesn't think it's over though - despite the fact I have spelt it out to him, that we haven't done anything outside of the house together for months and that we are no longer sharing a bed . This week I am going to see a solicitor - it's a free 30 minute consultation and probably not my preferred solicitor but it's arranged through a women's centre, so I guess it will be someone who is used to this kind of difficult situation and might actually turn out to be pretty good. We'll see. I don't think anything else will get through his thick skull unfortunately - so I have to do it, or we'll be stuck in limbo forever. He called me 'babe' this morning - I told him we were over in February?!

@mammy he is very lucky that you let him see the child at all after having been violent, I would have struggled with that, you are very reasonable. It must be difficult coping with him next door, surely that must still be adding tension to the situation ?
@louise, you are very welcome. I hope you find venting here as supportive and useful as I have. Sounds very much like your oh is in complete denial of the situation. I too did my time on the sofa - why is it always us on the sofa/floor/other room ? - it was only when I actually left that it hit him. Even now after 6 weeks I think he still believes I am just being dramatic and will be back any day now !
@tiddley good luck with the solicitor, make good use of that 30 minutes ! I dont think they believe we will actually leave them until it happens and then they are so shocked, like its news to them !

Gosh @CannotFindAUsernme, he is so deluded if he thinks this will all just blow over, and all the while playing manipulation games with the children

He sure is @tiddley. I got some news this evening. Recieved a text from a neighbour who lives beside the family home asking where i am moving too as she saw the house was up for sale ! Not a wors from himself about it. Sent him a msg asking why he hasn't told me and no reply so solicitors appt for me thursday morning to slap an injunction on the sale ! Cant believe it, did he think i would not find out ?? 😠😠

Woah @CannotFindAUsernme!! How did he think he was going to get away with that one? Is the house in both your names?

Actually no but it apparently makes no difference ? Its the sneakiness of it, its him all over 😠

@LouiseEmily what about what you need, sex with the partner you want to separate from is definitely not it if he cared, he'd be showing you how he respected your decision. With all that has gone on in my house since I told him we were separating, he never once tried it on, I'll give him that much and never tried to come back into bedroom after moving to spare room.

@Tiddley babe what planet is he on? Was it to get a reaction from you? Good luck with solicitor.

@cannotfindausername it's definitely unpleasant with him next door but still a vast improvement on him being in same house for last 7 months on edge. He doesn't see that his assault on me in front of dc was his fault at all!

Today will be the first test as it's the first day I've said is mine so that he's not to see the dc, will be interesting to see if he shows up anyhow when I'm not there. This week he has said Mon/Wed and I'm Tues/Thurs will be interesting to see if he sticks to it, still no reply re weekend. I'm just putting it to back of my mind for now as I'm happy for dc to be with me.

@cannot does he think that you can't survive without him and will be back with your tail between your legs. How dare he try sell the family home without telling you, what about your children seeing the sign? My H told people I'd put the house up for sale when I hadn't! It will go up for sale but only when I have it in writing that he agrees to it.

@mammy, to be honest, it sounds as though he's going to make everything difficult - but at least he is out of your hair now and he will only damage his own relationship with DCs. You can't control that.

@Cannot, it's just crazy that he thought you wouldn't find out?!

They are all from the planet crazy. My H is furiously cleaning now . It's a very primitive version of the cycle of abuse - he does this kind of thing when he knows I can't take his shit any more. If he had a bigger brain, I'm sure he'd be a lot more devious about it.

They don't see it yet but they will in time.

@Tiddleypops benefit for you clean house!

True @mammynowanauntyIRL However he's now gone out and left cleaning stuff all over the place and stuff he'd moved hasn't been put back
It's because he found out I'm on antidepressants, I can't believe he still thinks he can just do a few chores and I'll come to my senses.

@mammy ... part of our problem was that he never listened! ...

Im struggling tonight guys. I have told him repeatedly for the last week it is over and there is no going back. He still seems to think there is hope.

I wanted an amicable split but i guess there wont be.

I just want to cry and im not sure why. Im glad it's over. Just feel i have no one to talk to.

Anyone got any advice for living together whilst going through this.

@LouiseEmily I had hoped ours could be amicable at least regarding the children and the last couple of weeks have proven he can't even be reasonable about that.

I know what you mean about not having anyone to talk to, even though I talk to a few poeple about it, it's only here on mumsnet I've found kindred spirits. I think even people who've been through it themselves and are out the other side have forgotten or locked away how they felt or what happened at the time.

I've got my own thread on mumsnet which is kind of like an online diary to me. Would something like that help? Pm if it helps too.

I felt the need to cry and I'm not a crier so on one long car journey I allowed myself to cry for what might have been, for what I thought my future was going to be, and for the hurt that my children were going to go through and it helped get it out of my system.

Living together while separating is very hard work, what are your options? Have ye dc together? I got through some of it by being out of the house a lot and going to bed early and watching tv on my phone when I wasn't.

@LouiseEmily30 crying helps me, I cried a lot when we exchanged financial reports recently. In fact I usually cry on the way to work or night time.

Be strong and stick to your decision. Dont enter into a discussion about the divorce or reasons why. You have told him why, you dont need to discuss it again.

Try to Confide in a friend for support.

Taking back control of your life is hard and an ongoing process as I am finding out. I used to ask permission to do something normal as it was expected of me by him. Yesterday I told him I had decided to do something and much to my surprise he accepted it much better than i thought he would.

I told him it was over 7 months ago due to his behaviour but it took me a very long time to get to that point, by long I mean years.

Take baby steps and dont be too hard on yourself.

See if there is support from outside agencies.

I also usually stay out the house if it means I will otherwise be at home alone with him during school hours. This is a bit inconvenient for me but I feel necessary.

Vent here anytime 🤗

And 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 to all

@louise i did the same as @mammy, watched tv on phone, went out to friends houses once the sc were in bed. Anything for space and not to have to inhabit the same place. It is a very stressful situation, the damage it could cause great mental distress. The relief I felt when I left was like a physical weight lifting. I can sit down in The living room and watch tv again in the evening, the simple pleasures !
How is everyone this week ? I returned to work so have had meltdowns there instead of home ! Its been a tough exhausting week.

So today I'd to get the boiler going again ✅ job normally left to h & one he did willingly earlier in the week

Think I'll light the first fire of winter 2018 this evening for myself & dc to enjoy a movie in front of the fire.

Faced up a children's party today & told a few about separation too. Felt a bit drained after, did grocery shopping & picked up a quarter bottle of Chardonnay & merlot. I've not drank since jan bar two occasions

How do you feel telling other people ? I feel guilty almost, like as if I am being judged by whoever I tell. I dont really know anyone else who has been through this and when I tell people I feel like they are thinking either what has she done or some other negative thought. Perhaps I am just paranoid, but every time I tell someone new this is how I feel.

@CannotFindAUsernme i find it difficult telling people too. Most have been sympathetic and supportive. One friend who i thought would be disapproving actually was totally the opposite and said she had seen it coming for a while.

Awkward very awkward because they say how sorry they are or offer that we might patch things up , I'm not sorry, I'm sorry I didn't do it 2.5 years ago when I should have & there's zero chance of a reconciliation.

He's impossible to deal with for spending time with children too, I think I'm going to have to go through solicitors for it. He's making all the decisions & I'm no better off than when we were together for being able to plan anything.

Hugs everyone 🤗 You are all so strong, just take one day at a time. We're all on the right path.

Made me chuckle (in a sort of ironic sort of way!) when I read that everyone else also watches stuff on iplayer etc on their phones in bed every evening. Same here! Ha! I can't wait to sit in my own living room again.

@mammy, that description of your evening with the fire and DC sounds lovely. Freedom! How are the DC doing? I bet they love it too. And definitely sounds like you are going to have to have a formal arrangement re then seeing him. What a tosser, messing the kids around

A couple of days ago, I told H he needs to move out (finally I did it!) He's acknowledged what I've said but not really responded. In fact he's acting all normal which is slightly unnerving He's either pretending I didn't say it, plotting to get me out of the house (or bury me in the garden?!), or he's relieved I finally came out and said it and I'd going to go willingly (not a chance!) ....

@mammynowanauntyIRL oh yes if it isnt the kids watching the tv its him, iplayer us great isnt it? I sometimes get an hour to myself when kids are at school and iron while watching tv to try and catch up with anything i recorded that is not on iplayer.
I also sometimes use the portable dvd player to re watch boxsets on my own when in bed instead of iplayer.

Totally get the bit where you said he is still controlling and making the decisions. We havent got contact sorted because, guess what? Although he says the kids come first, actually in any suggestions he has put forward he has put himself first! So not much headway has been made.

@Tiddleypops Well done with telling him, you got it out there. My h is refusing to go anywhere which he verbally puts out in the room not necessarily addressing me. Last week was awful and his language was horrendous on this matter.

I dont feel strong and yet I can see you all are and i guess i must be too.

Kids don't see it because he didn't give him his time prior to separation they're lapping up the time with him. Ds decided not to spend the afternoon with H, it wasn't planned & ds adores his mammy  dd was stuck like glue to me after coming home, she said she missed me & that I'm lovely & warm. H overheats easily so had a small fire on & she found it cold.

@Tiddleypops it appears H was getting granny flat ready for a while prior to moving out, would your h do the same?
Well done on telling him, think you need to reiterate it weekly

@RoseMartha have you read the post about imagining all of your family who support you, your friends who support you, us here who support you & anyone else who's got your back being behind you encouraging you when you're dealing with him, an army of support in the room with you? You've some of your divorce sorted surely he realises that ye can't continue living in same house? Do dc hear this horrendous talk?

Hello All, I've been reading on a here for a few weeks....why is the law such an A*?
I kicked my husband out end of July 2018........he sent me a text on Thursday 11/10/18 to remind me of the anniversary of the 1st time I'd "illegally evicted" (3 years ago in Oct 2015) him from the marital home. I've lived & raised my family in my home for 25½ years & is rented with the tenancy in my sole name (I've been married to STBXH for almost 5 years, with him for 6yrs) this is my family's home & always will be even though they don't live here now...

1st time round, 3 years ago, his behaviour towards my Son (22 at the time) was disgraceful from within 2 weeks of saying "I Do!", my son was in the Army & coming home most weekends, STBXH thought that son should contribute a 3rd of household bills which I disagreed with as he wasn't costing us any money, paid for all his own food and was a built in doggy sitter for whenever we wanted to go off for a day or w/e..........STBXH created situations to try & prompt a reaction from my son so that he could turn around and say Son was not welcome to stay in his own home.......hiding keys, urinating over Son's gym equipment and so on, after countless discussions I told STBXH that he couldn't behave in this manner & perhaps he should look f or alternative accommodation, this resulted in the Police being called by himself, who asked him to leave with them......so technically he left & was not evicted!

Fast forward to this year, I have had my suspicions that stbxh was an alcoholic, this being confirmed when I caught him smuggling alcohol into to work, previous incidents have been finding him drinking in the garage at 10am, purchasing cans of cider on his way out to walk the dog at 10:30am, hiding vodka bottles in the loft, shed, garage & bushes etc, decanting vodka into small water bottles to disguise the alcohol........falling asleep on the concrete patio, clearly intoxicated, falling asleep on the sofa then falling off on to the floor and not waking, falling out of bed.......collapsing across the bed so I couldn't get in to bed myself let alone get to sleep because of the horrendous snoring.......i suggested he quit drinking alcohol which he refused (he was spending around £400 each month of cheap nasty vodka, cider & lager etc)........i know that if i had asked him to leave, he would have refused, made life unbearable, refused to pay his share of the rent, food & bills.......I have also found a cannabis pipe in my garage amongst his possessions...... i fell out of love with him a long time ago due the hurtful things he has done & said but hoped I could change the way i felt........why does the law say we have to put up with this behaviour & that they should be allowed to stay in the marital home until Decree Absolute?

I would have moved out myself in July but why should i leave a home that has been mine for 25 ½ years because he would have refused to leave himself?

Would he be entitled to take any of my furniture bearing in mind that everything in my home was paid for by me long before he came on the scene?
Would he be entitled to try to claim ½ of a small inheritance that was in existence & invested before he came in to my life?

Oh My Gosh, that was a longish post and there was so much more i could've wrote!

@lovealab I don't live in UK so can't answer any of your questions but my god he's a user & a loser & you're well shot of him

@lovealab sending hugs sounds awful. I dont know the answers either and suggest you go for a free initial solicitor meeting or visit the citizens advice or both as the latter can give you support info.

@mammynowanauntyIRL I havent seen that post but thank you for mentioning it as it is helpful to remember that.
I have also started meeting a victim support person to talk with which is helpful. Which came about after some assessments from other organisations.
Well he alternates from saying he is never leaving and we will have to live together after the divorce to talking about us moving out and him keeping the house to saying he will be homeless. The first two are him trying to control me and the latter a guilt trip I think. I am waiting to see my solicitor re next step and proposal of financial situation.
Yes they were in hearing range. Not in the same room but downstairs and he was shouting. I imagine the neighbours heard as well!!
He went away for the weekend, we had such a nice and calm time without him, i actually felt I could relax and it rubbed off on the kids, it was like a holiday!

@RoseMartha, he is playing games with you, controlling, guilt tripping. The fact he's switching between different scenarios just shows that he feels he is losing control, so that is good, you might be treading on eggshells, but he is floundering, and soon you'll be able to relax all the time. It makes such a difference when they aren't around. My H is off work at the moment, so I'm never in the house alone, it's horrible.