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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

999 replies

Onlymeeeeee · 18/02/2018 19:13

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

OP posts:
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7
Tiddleypops · 21/09/2018 17:04

@RoseMartha, I hear you. Logically, this is entirely HIS fault. He had ample opportunity to mention he needed the car / that he was going out, but chose not to and then made you feel responsible for it. You aren't and he is stonewalling you to punish you for something you didn't do (and he knows it).

My H does the same, he makes me responsible for everything. I have been going to a support group for family and friends of alcoholics (my STBXH is an alcoholic), and it is really helping me to start detach from him and learn that I am not responsible for him and his fuck ups. It takes time. You'll get there, you will be free soon x

Tiddleypops · 21/09/2018 17:12

@Borris your new home, your boundaries that he doesn't cross, all the things you can do - that sounds so good, well done for getting to where you are! I am looking forward to getting there too Smile There are so many things I pass up on now, just to keep the peace. It will be better one day x

mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/09/2018 18:12

@RoseMartha I've been on this thread for six months, they pass sometimes hour by hour and other times a month is over before you know it ((hugs))

mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/09/2018 05:24

H signed an adult caution admitting he assaulted me #progress

RoseMartha · 22/09/2018 07:32

@Tiddleypops and @mammynowanauntyIRL thank you. This week he has been so unpredictable not that this is something new. One minute he is in good mood, two minutes later he kicks off over something trivial the kids have done that is normal but annoying that kids do. ie bit of backchat or not doing as asked first time.

@mammynowanauntyIRL wow I am glad he did that for you. What does it mean next for you? Hope things can move forward.

RoseMartha · 22/09/2018 07:33

Urgh didnt mean for it all to be in bold apologies for that.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/09/2018 07:44

No worries, he didn't do it for me, he did it because I stood up to him & because he's now facing a court hearing for domestic violence. It means that he won't be prosecuted for assaulting me, I could've refused to accept it but it's no advantage to me to have this go to court and for people to read about it in the papers.

Today I go view another house, this keeps me going thinking about the future

Rose it's like living with a time bomb isn't it?

RoseMartha · 22/09/2018 14:53

@mammynowanauntyIRL

Aww i can see why you dont want it dragged through papers 🤗 hoping house viewing is going well.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 23/09/2018 06:47

Had to cancel viewing as ds wouldn't attend his activity Sad

RoseMartha · 23/09/2018 22:17

@mammynowanauntyIRL that was a shame 🤗

Tiddleypops · 25/09/2018 20:57

@mammynowanauntyIRL you are being so incredibly sensible and dignified. So sorry to hear you had to cancel the viewing.

How are things this week so far @RoseMartha?

My H is trying to be Mr Perfect. Historically this is exactly how he behaves when he has been able to sense I'm reaching the end of my tether. This time is no different in that respect, except this time I refuse to be so easily manipulated.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 25/09/2018 21:40

Have any of you read the thread 'how to end it - help' great advice there
@Tiddley that's so irritating from your H, when's he going to wise up?

RoseMartha · 25/09/2018 21:45

@Tiddleypops i know that feeling. And it makes you feel like you are on eggshells waiting for mood to change.

Things are so so. Just had a horrendous solicitors bill that has wiped me out of money. 😕 hope it will be a month at least before the next one, and then a smaller bill. Now i am in panic mode about money 😕 and only buying essentials.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 26/09/2018 05:57

Sorry to hear that rose that's another difficult part of this journey isn't it, paying to get a better life for ourselves

Tiddleypops · 26/09/2018 07:03

Just reading that thread @mammynowanauntyIRL. Wow, you're right, some amazing advice. These men really do follow the same MO don't they, it's really eye opening reading that lady's narrative, all those things have gone around my head too. Thank you for drawing attention to it, I'm gathering strength to act soon - that thread is planting some important things in my head that will help me to keep my resolve.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 26/09/2018 18:46

Tiddley that thread is really empowering, I've screenshot some of the posts as they've really resonated with me.

CannotFindAUsernme · 30/09/2018 00:03

Hi ladies. How are you all ? Was thinking about you all so thought I would drop in and say hello.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/09/2018 02:11

Things are starting to happen for me @CannotFind on Thursday I got a 12 month protection order & an agreement through our solicitors that he will move out asap & continue to pay the mortgage. House is to be valued and sold, separation to be agreed within twelve months & I'm to be obliging with access.
My solicitor is shit hot!

Tiddleypops · 30/09/2018 07:28

Glad to hear you have a shit hot solicitor @mammy Grin

My internal dialogue has changed in the last week. I actually got a clap last night at my Al-anon meeting when I declared that I was finally starting to believe that H is responsible for his own shit, not me. I need to become myself again and he can just fuck off BlushGrin

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/09/2018 08:18

Excellent tiddley you're almost ready to kick that man to the kerb so Grin

CannotFindAUsernme · 30/09/2018 09:01

Good to hear some positives ladies. I wonder what is deemed obliging with access @mammy ? Access arrangements are the big thing with me and him. He wants a lot more than i am willing to oblige hence no maintenance of any kind. I just wish he would f**k of out of our lives altogether. The loss of control over everyone has made him even more unreasonable. I am applying for legal aid, turns out these divorces are expensive things !

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/09/2018 10:57

Well all that was said really was that he wanted to see them & I said I wouldn't stop that & solicitor asked did I foresee that happening in granny flat & I said I'd prefer it for now in family home. Will see what comes of letters from solicitor next. And I guess we need to decide about telling the dc, I'm crying thinking of breaking their little hearts & even though it's not my fault it doesn't make it any easier at all.

I can't see if overnights will happen for a while & don't know what will happen with bills etc

mammynowanauntyIRL · 30/09/2018 21:28

He's gone, all his stuff is gone. I can't believe it.

Tiddleypops · 01/10/2018 07:35

OMG @mammynowanauntyIRL. How are you feeling about it? What about the DC? Flowers

mammynowanauntyIRL · 01/10/2018 08:05

It's weird tiddley got to do a grocery list this morning for just us!

Dc don't know yet, they thought he was in bed when we got back last night. I'm going to text today & ask if he wants to be there when they're told this afternoon or not.