Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex wishes

[Onlymeeeeee]

Just as the title really, specifically looking for other people who initiated the process, not because there is anyone else, but because they cannot stay with the stbex.

Borris 🤗
Sounds tough. I hate it when they fo things like that it is unreasonable.

Oh Borris he's just trying to keep control of you because he's lost most of it and this is all he's left.
Let him object if he wants you're telling the truth.
Mimicking you is so childish

Rose if he's seeing someone he might move forward a bit more quickly which can only help you, obviously it's shit that it's at expense of children but that's not your fault.

Things have escalated here, I sent a solicitors letter requesting amicable separation and that children be kept out of all discussions. He went ballastic two evenings in a row and I had to call the guards when he became violent towards me. I've made a statement and he'll be offered opportunity to do the same. It will be a decision by superintendent whether to prosecute for assault or not. There was also reports made to child protection as they were present when assault took place.
Today I attend court to get temporary safety/protection order & later in month we'll both appear in court for full one to be granted. I need to decide if I'll get a barring order which would mean he'd have to leave the family home.

Oh no @Borris - how horrible for you I just can't get my head around why these men want to make it so acrimonious. As you say - your suggestion was completely reasonable and fair, where does he get off trying to screw you over in return, and what's all the cageyness about. Argh!!! I feel your pain on that one, my stbxh is being extremely cagey at the moment, I just don't fucking get it. He seems put out that I don't rely on him for childcare, then makes it impossible to ever know what the fuck he is doing so I can't rely on him for childcare?!?!!! ARGH!

@mammynowanauntyIRL you have been so calm and reasonable throughout and he has not. It's good that you got the protection order in place and that this is all being taken seriously. He is not safe to be around you or your children and should leave the family home - these are the consequences of his actions.

I am still in a bloody stalemate at home. I have had a lot on my plate the last couple of weeks and H has been off work 'sick' with a bad knee. I only know about this because I found the docs note. He's being massively cagey about everything. Yet at the same time, he was talking about changing something in the kitchen as though we are both living in the house happily ever after. What planet it he on?!
I know I need to use this as an opportunity to tell him to get out.

@tiddleypops I’ve gone for safety & protection order so not barring so he doesn’t have to leave the house yet but if he abuses me verbally or physically he can be arrested.

I’ve done this because I want to make the separation as easy as it can be on the children, because I don’t want to only see my children every second Christmas, and because I don’t want him to harm my credit rating by withholding money for the mortgage. All of those things might still happen but I’m trying to avoid them.

I feel like a weight has been lifted today

Why hasn’t your H being pulling his weight with childcare if he’s off sick? And what planet is he on with home renovation plans?

Mine was talking about similar earlier in the year & I said what money is going to pay for this because I’m not contributing to it, it was completely unnecessary work & he couldn’t see the reasoning for it.

@rosemartha mine had a new girlfriend. They went on holiday the week after I moved out although they were just friends and nothing had happened But annoying as it was it did keep his eyes off me a bit and seemed to make him more agreeable. And of course any mutual friends sided firmly with me as they couldn’t believe he’d move on so fast . But according to dd they split up last week. And I can’t help thinking that that is partially responsible for the relapse into being difficult. We were coparenting relatively amicably until then.

@mammy gosh that sounds frightening. Hope you and the kids are ok. You are being so brave. Surely though having a record of this with the police will not do him any favours

@tiddley what a pain having him home sick! And the carrying on regardless is off. Do you think he’s plotting something and trying to carry on as normal so you don’t suspect!

Odd not off. Although it is off too 😹😹

How are you getting on in new home borris?

It will all stand in my favour for separation guard even told me I can summons him as a witness to my civil case for separation if I wish.

I've been working today & I went for a lie down at 3.30pm because I've been smothered with a cold all week & only woke now! According to dd dad of the year is taking them to mass this evening, talk about putting on a show.

I love my new home. It feels safe and homely. I've never let him come round even to the doorstep. I've either collected dd or met somewhere mutual in the holidays and most of our drop offs are via school. I also love the freedom. I've had the best summer in years - I've met up with friends, dd and I went away with family, we went camping with some friends as a group. Honestly done things that STBXH just would never have agreed to.

And in half term dd and I have been invited to a family party. STBXH would have said it's too far, not worth the petrol and time etc. But I can say yes let's go and I know we'll have a fab time.

I've just started filling out the paperwork to get the divorce rolling. Feel strangely sad at some times filling it in, but mostly just feel relief

Oh and I think in time they'll see through dad of the year. Dd says a couple of things that make me think, yup you're seeing it. Of course it's confusing as she loves him but I think she does at times see him as he is.

Hope you feel better soon.

Borris that sounds absolutely fabulous and gives me hope for next year too!
That's sad for your dd to see through him but great that she's learning to read him too. Sounds like a great summer. I watched my cousins summer via social media and her and her boys had a great summer too free of her exh.

He did usual promise them something & not do it and he won't take them tomorrow either because he's being a martyr and taking car for it's mot, so I can sleep in, first time ever taking it. Dd was worried about me napping all afternoon so it's for show for her.

@Borris glad you are enjoying your new found freedom.

@mammynowanauntyIRL 🤗sorry to hear about what happened. Bit you are handling it very well.

@Tiddleypops how frustrating and unreasonable. Hope he goes back to work soon.

I am currently being given the silent treatment from h. Turns out he wanted to go out tonight but i was supposed to have mind read this. Kids and i were at a family get to gether, which he knew about as i had checked with him on Wednesday the car would be free for us to use (my side of family), i told him via text mid morning today we would be later home than thought and to get something for self out freezer and then i text again at 7 and said that we would be home a bit later on. Then he text back and said i had ruined his plans as he had been planning to go out in the car. I messaged back to say if he said he was going out he should have told me and we would have been back sooner and i offered to leave at that moment to which he said dont bother his plans were ruined now. How could i have been expected to know if he didnt say!!

Ah @RoseMartha but mind reading is a skill that all wives should magically acquire. Did you not get the memo😂😂

Clearly not @Borris i didnt 🙄😕😕🤔

@RoseMartha it's entirely possible he'd nothing planned at all but just wanted you to feel bad

I used to do what you did regarding food & I've stopped I buy the food but it's up to him to cook for himself

Did he ruin your day out?

@mammynowanauntyIRL thank you. He has been and does play mind games, however i noticed he had showered as wet towel left out so i think he was planning on going out as personal hygiene is not high on his to do list otherwise. (Over the hot summer at one point went 10 days without showering ! ) on average showers once every 7-10 days. Has been as long as three weeks between.

Food wise he makes own breakfast and lunch but for kids have been eating dinner as one meal together. I have continued to buy the food but if he wants extra snacks he buys them.

Sorry didnt answer your question. Put a dampener on the end if the day out, made me anxious to get back. Now i am beating myself up about it, like what questions i should ask next time in order to avoid walking on eggshells etc, so in effect his guilt trip has worked.

Would shared calendar work regarding car or would he not bother to check it?

at showering

@mammynowanauntyIRL i dont think he would bother to check it. He doesn't check it when i have put kids appointments on it as when i mention said appointment and its on calendar i get a mouthful from him. Calendar in prominent place in kitchen and always has been so he knows where to look. In one text i sent i asked if he needed car tomorrow and that i would get petrol on way home. The first text i sent abt 11am he had plenty of opportunity to tell me that he hoped to go out at such and such and i would have known and been back so he could have car but he chose not to respond. And i am still beating myself up about it this morning 😕🙄

Mine is the same, myself & au pair use calendar he chooses not to & then gets aggrieved that he doesn't know about something.

Stop beating yourself up, you did everything right & he didn't, it's his problem

@mammynowanauntyIRL yes you are right.
Trouble is I think i have moved forward with not giving myself the guilt trip after he is controlling/abusive and yet fall into the trap again, although i did recognise that i was succumbing to his guilt trip this time so i guess that is progress.
Sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing too.

Rose, he needs to learn to use the calendar, you have nothing to be guilty of, it’s his loss.

Rose this is how he learns that the car isn’t always available, especially not if he hasn’t told you he needs it. Nothing to feel guilty about

Borris exactly 👍

Thanks for your support. I thought i was moving forward a bit and not letting him bully me into submission but last night it just went back to how it was before. One step forward and two steps back it seems. 😕
Didnt speak to him much today as he was out most of the time, but he is still giving me the silent treatment and only speaking in clipped tones when a reply or question can not be avoided.

Solicitor said last week could drag on another six months. 😕