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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Told husband it's over. He has no support.

524 replies

Tiddleypops · 11/02/2018 06:33

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do Sad I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either Sad

OP posts:
pointythings · 08/12/2018 16:08

Hi, Lobster - great to hear you're still going strong!

RedSquirrel having validation from people who know what you're talking about really matters - for me it was going to my Al-Anon type support group that did it and it kept me strong when I needed to make the difficult decisions. We all get there in our own way.

MaddisonSeyler · 08/12/2018 16:10

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/12/2018 17:36

However asking a solicitor to ask your spouse to go to marriage counselling... that is coo coo cachoo.

My solicitor said pretty much the same 😂
Also, he complained through the solicitor about our sleeping arrangements (I'm sleeping in our son's room which he doesn't like for some reason). My solicitor was totally baffled by that. I suggested that if he could just sleep in another house and then I could move back into the main bedroom.... Smile

Anyway, I'm pressing on with the divorce application. We're going to have to go for mediation, but hopefully that will help us reach a suitable solution sooner than I would if I carried on talking to a brick wall.

I thought of you @pointythings, when he said he wouldn't move out. It really is all very predictable. I can see his drinking creeping up too Sad

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/12/2018 17:42

Thank you for all the support by the way. It is genuinely helping me get through this Smile

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pointythings · 08/12/2018 17:48

It sounds to me like you have the bit firmly between your teeth, tiddleypops. You aren't going to cave to the puppy dog eyes, you aren't going to let him wear you down and give in, you are set firm. And however long it takes, that is the important thing. If you read back through this thread, you'll see how you have worked your way from doubt to determination and that is bloody impressive - pat on the back!

Alcoholics are so creative in their delusions, aren't they? I mean, why the fuck would you want to sleep in the same room with him?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 08/12/2018 17:59

@Tiddleypops not that it would or should make the slightest bit of difference at this point (too little too late) but has he made any effort at all to contact AA, get to a meeting or anything that might actually indicate he's serious about stopping? Or is he just doing the classic alcoholic burying his head in the sand and using the additional "stress" as an excuse to drink more?

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 08/12/2018 21:38

I have just done as you suggested @pointythings and read back through from the top. Gosh things have come a long way. I'm definitely firm now in my position and things are moving along. It's going to take some time but I can get on with it now Smile

@Lobsterquadrille2, no attempt at all. Currently he's an innocent victim and I'm a heartless bitch who isn't giving him what he wants. At the moment he is further away from feeling any kind of sense of responsibility for his problems than he has done for a while. I've done a good job of feeling angry and resentful towards him this week though so it's not a good combination really is it?! I can let go of what he feels, and work on myself though.

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/12/2018 09:47

tiddleypops there are still times when I feel angry and resentful towards my H - and he's dead! It's part of the grieving process for what you've lost and it's normal. I've also discovered that it's perfectly possible to feel intense sympathy for someone and at the same time want to slap them round the chops for being a self-pitying whiny snotball who won't help themselves.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 09/12/2018 10:00

😂 That made me chuckle!

I would really really like some space to try and manage all these wide array of feelings all at once. And then I'm back to angry again Angry

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Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/12/2018 10:08

@pointythings I've been on the programme for over 10 years now. I hope that I will never drink again in my life, but it's one day at a time whether we're a few weeks or a few years in.

I hate to be sexist but there is a difference in the rooms - a lot of the women, including me, felt overwhelming guilt and responsibility and utter failure during our drinking days. The result was the same so not sure that's much help! I fully accept that everyone makes their own choices and also that an alcoholic is truly selfish because of the effects of their behaviour and actions on others, but it's also a miserable life for them. It's lovely when a newcomer "gets it" and realises that alcohol is poison, not a friend.

@Tiddleypops of course you are angry and resentful!! You are human. It's hardly pleasant watching someone destroy themselves and suffering the impact yourself, especially when they have no desire to change.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 09/12/2018 14:13

I know, and the "I can't afford to move out" line is absurd. He's an entitled idiot, who thinks nothing of staying in the house, because how dare I ask him to leave.

Living with this is very difficult.

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 09/12/2018 14:28

One day at a time though!

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Original poster
Tiddleypops · 29/12/2018 17:25

Feeling very ranty today. H has been drunk a lot. He's made and then broken promises to DS, not lifted a finger to help, not paid a penny towards all the food he's been stuffing down his neck, and after he had a fit about me wanting to take DS away for new year and eating into their limited time together (because I'm taking his home and son away from him) HE went away on his own for the bloody weekend 😂

Trying very hard to keep all I have learned through Al-anon in mind, detaching, looking after myself, remembering that I should not engage with the bonkers behaviour or his victim act etc. It's all very exhausting though, and being at home over Christmas means there is no break.

So, I'm just here for a moan really Angry

The divorce form was sent off before Christmas. I think I need to deal with is the financial piss taking ASAP too.

OP posts:
lovealab · 29/12/2018 17:39

Arghh....feel for you Tiddley...as least he's gone for a couple of days!

Is there any way that you can provide meals etc for you & your son without your STXH getting his hands on anything you buy? Padlock the fridge/cupboards etc Hmm....or buy just what you need on a day to day basis........how does he afford his alcohol or are you expected to provide that too?

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 29/12/2018 17:48

He has plenty of money, he earns a good whack. He just keeps it all for himself. I've noticed he's quite delusional about things, money being one of them. I found a set of gaming goggles earlier today, brand new. When I Googled them I found they are around £300 to buy Shock

I haven't heard back from his solicitor since I got a letter saying he couldn't afford to move out (my solicitor replied words to the effect of "that's bullshit" 😂). But if he's staying until divorce is done then I'm going to insist he pays 50% of the bills.

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 30/12/2018 07:43

@Tiddleypops nothing wrong with feeling ranty and needing to moan. I'm not sure how helpful I can be .... but yes, stick to your guns as you're doing, keep detached, remember that these are the final stages and that this too shall pass. You already know that he's not your responsibility, that he's utterly unreliable, won't be around for DS in any meaningful way.

On the plus side, this is actually helpful to your longer term plans - would be worse if he was suddenly showing a lovely, sober, responsible side that might make your resolve waver. As it is, he's just cementing the deal.

Detach, detach. You're doing so well. Every day is one day closer to your life free of him.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 30/12/2018 11:04

Thank you @Lobsterquadrille2, you have been more help than you'll ever know Flowers

I was reflecting last night. Christmas has been as ok as it can be really, so I think I'll call it a success. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I really am lucky.

The bit I think I'm struggling with the most at the moment is being kinder to myself. I've been bottom of the pile for a long time, and it's made me feel a bit, well, sort of like I don't really exist, I'm not really a worthwhile human being, if that makes sense. It's happened over such a long period of time that I hadn't really noticed.
I need and want to get myself back, by caring about myself and it will take some learning to do that. But what a nice journey that will be Smile

OP posts:
earlybyrd · 30/12/2018 11:23

Hi Tiddley

Glad to see you have been soldiering on and managed to make something of Christmas.
The bottom of the pile thing really resonated with me, it is ongoing with me after so many years and it's going to take you some practice, it feels so odd to put yourself first for a change, but do try as anyone who loves you will be pleased to see the change, my adult daughters cheer me on every time they notice me putting my needs first.
Wishing you the very best New Year and New you !

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 30/12/2018 12:25

Yes, I think this might be the most difficult bit in a way. It warmed my heart to hear that about you and your daughters Smile They obviously love and appreciate you dearly. Wonderful x

Happy New Year to you too and everyone else who has helped me on this thread Flowers

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Lobsterquadrille2 · 30/12/2018 12:48

Hi @Tiddleypops - so glad to know that this thread has been of help to you. And absolutely, you do need to think of yourself and start putting yourself first. I would start by making a list, which can include the smallest and seemingly most insignificant items, of what you propose to change moving forward. There is so definitely light at the end of the tunnel for you - no putting up with rubbish, acceptance of unacceptable behaviour, walking on eggshells and - my favourite Henry James quote - that perceptible hush which precedes a crisis.

It's the same, whichever side of recovery we are on - one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, you will get there and this is part of the journey (and I don't usually like that phrase).

Wishing you a wonderful New Year. Thanks

pointythings · 01/01/2019 14:09

Hi Tiddleypops, Happy New year to you and stay strong. You do absolutely need to make him pay his way if he wants to stay in the house, through solicitors if necessary. Just keep pushing it with the divorce, there is light at the end of the tunnel and he will be gone.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 18/01/2019 21:53

I think it's time to reread.

I've had a good few weeks of feeling positive, the weight of guilt and responsibility has been lifted in many ways and now that the divorce ball is rolling and mediation booked, I feel that things are ticking along in the right direction. I even feel less resentful and angry (in general, we obviously have blips!) and can chat to him about mundane things and just bumble along. We may as well get on if he's refusing to go anywhere till the divorce is sorted!

...But... He's been for a routine work medical assessment this week. It didn't go well. He has serious heart issues Sad He's early 40s and basically at high risk of having a heart attack. I know there is nothing I can do, and the days of me thinking I could somehow fix this are gone. But still, it's not good. I reread the notes HE made two years ago when he had been put on a 24 hour blood pressure monitor and the doctor told him that the most likely cause was heavy drinking and that if he stopped, then his BP would probably go down within a matter of days, but if he carried on he would develop heart disease. I know this is such a common issue with alcoholism, the denial is so deep that even when massive health related alarms are going off right, left and centre, they just can't see it Sad In the meantime, god knows what's going to happen with his job. It doesn't bode well. At least if he's signed off with heart issues, they can't sack him for being pissed at work?!! Confused

OP posts:
earlybyrd · 18/01/2019 23:42

That is such a coincidence Tiddleypops, my ex also has heart issues - in my experience, once the initial shock wears off things will just go back to how they were in terms of his drinking etc ..I bet his head will just bury deeper in the sand - the only person who's course of action may waver is you, it may make your resolve weaken as your sense of duty and pity come to the fore, try to remember this actually changes nothing, you are still not responsible for his choices, especially to do with his health.
Great idea re the re read, It's easy to forget what a half life you were leading with an alcoholic and you easily can slip back into the usual state of affairs when he seems more reasonable.... Don't do what I did and wake up and find you've wasted precious years of your life because you didn't have the resolve and focus to end it.

Original poster
Tiddleypops · 19/01/2019 06:32

Hi @earlybyrd, yes, you're right, he will just go back to burying his head. In fact, it's almost like he's skipping the shock stage this time because he already knew his heart was not doing too well. The only driver for him will be the fact that he's going to be on statutory sick pay soon, if he doesn't get back to work. But even that will just be a new shock to adapt to and forget about.
I won't be wavering Smile A few months ago, yes, I'd probably be thinking, at the very least I should not rock the boat, but not now thanks to Al-anon and lots of wonderful advice on here. I can focus on the kids and myself. They will need me to be in tip top shape if their dad starts down a slippery slope, or worse, if they lose him.

OP posts:
earlybyrd · 19/01/2019 06:53

Glad to hear you aren't wavering, in fact your strength shines through in your postSmile
You have so got this!

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