Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

[pointythings]

Some good news: had another 3 month contract extension, was told today. This is how it is now, everything very last minute, but I can live with that.

Now to work out what to do with the additional 9 days of leave I have to take during that period, with only 5 days of half term #FirstWorldProblems.

[Tiddleypops]

Oh that is good news. So is this 3 months after Christmas or 3 months from now? Hopefully it will get you over the hump of 2020 and into next year.

I'm still a bit all over the place. Trying to just go with it for now and accept it's part of the process. Being back working is giving me a welcome distraction but also means I'm mega busy again.
I'll need to work on finding some extra things for DS to do in lockdown now that all his activities are cancelled again. I did a reasonable job of this last lockdown but I'm feeling completely blank this time.

I think I'm still subconsciously expecting XH to pop up even though I know he's gone - as though this is just a temporary reprieve. The daily pressure is off, but I'm yet to actually feel it I think. As you said, this will probably take a couple of months to sink in. It's a monumental change to how I've lived my life for many years (way before any of this actually started). The fight / flight thing is confusing, I don't know where to direct it.

[pointythings]

It's 3 months starting from January 1st 2021, so over the hump and into the New Year. By which time the jobs situation might have improved a little bit and who knows, there might be a job in the Trust for me by then. I'm actually a bit surprised that this has happened, but my line manager is leaving (pastures greener) and I reckon management realised letting me and my counterpart go at the same time would leave the directorate with zero project support.

I recognise the fight or flight response and this lockdown is just coming at the worst possible time in terms of redirecting that. I don't suppose you have a Wii? Some old style Wii Tennis would at least get you moving physically... Bear in mind it's only been a week. I would imagine by the end of lockdown, things will have settled down in your head by quite a margin. Keep doing the breathing exercises, especially the little short ones at moments where you feel overwhelmed. Your brain will soon learn that when it starts throwing out panic, what you put back is calm.

I wish I could help re lockdown - the joys of having much older kids mean they don't need entertaining. I can just tell DD2 to bake me something or make me epic hot chocolate.

[Tiddleypops]

Good, yes, that gives a little time for things to change, opportunities to come along etc. I hope they do

Joe Wicks workout and breathing exercises done in my 'lunch' break. I'm feeling calmer. Thanks for helping me refocus
I'm sure i will find things for DS to do. I'm finding I have more availability for him after school, which is weird because surely it's the same as the days when XH was at work? I'm not sure, maybe I was too busy trying to make sure the house was acceptable, or the washing was done or just trying to process his clutter endlessly or something. It's quite odd. But good, of course I just need to figure out what to do with the time 😂 Lego, Wii (yes we have one), disco dancing, baking, jigsaws, movies.
I'm sure once I get going it will be great

[Tiddleypops]

Oh and we can now be in a support bubble with my DF which is wonderful. I've asked him to come over at the weekend to be someone else for DS to interact with 😂

[pointythings]

I think a lot of the time you have now is time you used to spend worrying about your XH, trying to anticipate your XH's mood and hoping to pre-empt it by doing certain things, time you used to spend being in his head. Now you've had your reset and you've got head space for yourself and your DS. It's a sign that your recovery is happening. I have every faith in you!

[Tiddleypops]

Yes I think you're right. I'm expanding back into my own brain

[Tiddleypops]

Well I've had a lovely weekend.
DS went to XH Friday into Saturday afternoon.
I definitely have some expanding back into my own head and into the world to do 😂
I'm so used to being on duty 24/7, my lazy Friday evening seemed to go on forever and I actually got a bit bored! and Saturday felt like a loooong day of actually being able to get stuff done on the house without DS home.

Sunday we had an absolutely amazing day, really lazy morning with DS, then out for about 5 hours walking. I just wouldn't have been able to do that if XH had been sitting at home.
I feel like this has been my first taste of freedom in a decade - probably longer really.

I noticed on Saturday, that feeling of growing anxiety as the time neared for DS handover. It got worse as the day went on. There is still a long way to go there. XH has a new job starting soon which is much more regular hours than before. He'll be finishing early every day. This is where the real challenge for him and his drinking will come, being alone and having several hours of the day left. Other than ensuring DS is safe, this is not my concern.

[Tiddleypops]

24 hours of XH being responsible for DS. I realised he's not done more than an hour or so of 'childcare' (falling asleep on the sofa while DS entertains himself) for the last 2 years. That worried me more and more as the day went on too.... Of course DS was fine. It's early days. I need to keep the focus on my own relationship with DS, which I think is pretty solid.

[pointythings]

This is the hard bit, where you have to hand over your DS to a man you know is going to fuck it up at some point. But he's old enough to be sensible and given your XH's previous form will be used to looking after himself. Which is sad, but it's what you've got right now.

For a first weekend, I'd say you handled it all really well. It's all going to take time, including dealing with the anxiety, but that will come. And I'm glad you had a lovely lazy Sunday. Our weekend was good, but it's been a tense week - DDs are both US citizens, so we were very focused on the election. Getting the outcome we wanted was a massive relief.

[Tiddleypops]

Gosh an even bigger relief for them, even than us! My DF yesterday "Two tossers out of the picture within a fortnight, I'd say 2020 is looking up" 😂

[Tiddleypops]

Eeesh another week of getting used to things. I am enjoying the lack of interaction with XH. It's really sinking in how he isn't going to appear and that this is my space.

I need to re-prioritise working on things with DS a little bit. He's been a bit more back-chatty than usual which is a sign that I am being more snappy than usual! I also think he is missing XH - which I guess is understandable, despite the lack of active parenting, at least he was present before.

I think perhaps I should ask DF to do a little bit of childcare too - DS was moaning that there is too much grown up chat when my DF is round, which is probably valid - DF doesn't really play much with DS unless they are alone and yet when they are alone they get on amazingly! Time to encourage their relationship a bit.

[pointythings]

It sounds as if you are both starting to come face to face with what is going to be your new normal. It's going to take time. I think encouraging your DS' relationship with your DF is a great idea - take the focus away from the end of your marriage and put it back on the pleasures of normal family life.

And well done on realising that you might be the cause of your DS' backchat - that's a very powerful insight. It's one of the many things my late H never got - that his behaviour directly influenced DDs'. From having toddlers I learned that if I stayed calm, they would - and that works on teens too. You're doing fabulously!

[Tiddleypops]

Thank you @pointythings. Yes DS really is quite binary in that way. His attitude is always a reflection of mine. I made an extra effort to play and listen yesterday evening and this morning before he went off to stay with XH, and it made an instant difference in him too. It's reassuring to know that it works on teens too I'm not at all surprised to hear that your H never got that. It's another form of denial and inability to look at themselves.
My XH - one of his favourite 'hilarious' phrases is, "do as I say, not as I do". He says it half jokingly sometimes but I can tell he actually means it - he really does expect them to do what he says and doesn't understand the requirement to set any kind of good example. He did it with me too, although not quite as directly.

DF is coming one night this week so that's another good thing. I wouldn't have asked before all this, I never used to ask for help! I think this will benefit all three of us

[pointythings]

That attitude from your XH is also part of his cognitive rigidity. In my H's case, he had been parented a certain way, so in his head that was the only 'right' way to do it. He always said 'well, my parents did it this way and I turned out all right'. I never said what I thought, which was 'well, that's debatable'. What I did say was that I was parented quite differently and I also turned out all right, so clearly there are different and equally effective ways of getting there. You can't change someone when they refuse to challenge what they believe.

It sounds as if you are completely on top of things. Your insight has always been your greatest strength. It's what has helped you come through this whole mess so intact. Always remember that, because it's pretty special.

[Tiddleypops]

Gosh I've had that exact phrase from XH. He's a "well my parents smacked me and it never did me any harm" type.
I always said the same as you - my parents didn't smack me and they were still able to teach me to behave well.
Despite his protests to the contrary and his snorts and eye rolls to indicate how ridiculous he thought I was (and belittling comments like "well I've had two more children than you, so I know best"), he has never smacked DS. All front and no substance.

I don't feel completely on top of things most of the time. My head is still spinning a bit. Week days at the moment are a mad dash from mum mode to work mode to mum mode (never thought I'd miss my commute but it did give me time to switch modes!) I also thought I'd have a big surge of grief - but it hasn't come at all. I haven't cried since XH left whereas before I felt very close to tears a lot of the time. Weird.

[pointythings]

Basically you're at the swan stage. You're gliding along and things are going well, and below the surface you'e flapping like mad to make that happen. It's normal. It's not even been a month since he left. Use that insight of yours to remind yourself of that. You've had years of his crap - it's going to take time for your brain to not have that instinctive stress response to everything. If you're no better in a year, it's time to look beyond counselling, but I really don't think that will happen.

Consider the above a kindly expressed slap over the head with a large wet fish.

[Tiddleypops]

I thought I would pop back to update the thread.
He's been gone 5 weeks now.
I have found my feet a little since the first couple of weeks - my bed and bedroom is heavenly after The Bottom Bunk where I've spent the last 2 years+ ! The house is tidy. I have set up my work desk in the spare room now which was full of junk before, and I love it.

There is peace now. I don't miss anything about XH being here.
There is no sense of loss. Perhaps that has already passed in these almost-three years since I started the thread, or perhaps it will come when the dust really does settle.

It's hard work, juggling everything. Harder than I thought, given I was already doing it all. I think the work load is different though and I've been working crazy hours recently. I've neglected quite a lot of household jobs while XH was here so it's taking time and effort to catch up.

Not sure what's happening with DS, but there's definitely a change.
He has almost literally talked non-stop for the last week! We went for a 5 mile walk at the weekend and I don't think he stopped talking to draw breath the whole time 😂
Lots of wanting me to play all sorts of imaginative games (more than normal). He's slightly more whiney, as in, he will moan if it's time for bed or if I won't play with him anymore because it's time to get dinner ready etc.
He seems very happy though, I actually think maybe this could be a sign that the atmosphere has lifted a little and he's feeling more relaxed, it's fairly normal behaviour for his age I think? I'm just trying to make sure he gets fair warning that it will soon be time to do X thing or that I'll play until a certain time and then I will be doing something else and then sticking to it. That is easier to do now XH isn't here, to appear from the bedroom when we are trying to leave the house for school, or putting on the TV 5 minutes after I've told DS to turn it off etc.

XH has had DS once a week overnight - this has been ok. I am monitoring for any drink-related issues of course, but unless I can identify that there is a risk to DS then hopefully it will continue. I don't believe XH will stop drinking, it's just a matter of how quickly he progresses now that he is on his own. That will be something for the next chapter and if it came to that, I think I would start a new thread!

Thank you to everyone who has supported me here, I'm not entirely sure where I would have ended up otherwise. I'm sure it would have been a whole lot messier and terrifying if I hadn't had so much wonderful advice, reassurance and support from people who get it.

[pointythings]

Fabulous update. And you are completely right, what you are seeing now is your real DS, his normal self. No walking on eggshells, just all the things a child his age does. And you're handling it all perfectly. Like a normal, good, fallible parent.

You're only going to go from strength to strength from here on in.

[Weenurse]

Great update 💐

[DishingOutDone]

@Tiddleypops what a fabulous update, I'm so pleased for you and DS

Just popped back to try to search - have you been on the other thread "support for those divorcing against stbexh wishes", I can only find thread 2 which is rather ancient now. Glad you don't need it anymore.

[DishingOutDone]

Thats odd, ignore me its come up straight away now! I've been searching for 30 minutes!

[Tiddleypops]

I'm glad you found it @DishingOutDone
Thank you, I'm looking forward to a peaceful Christmas this year.