Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

[pointythings]

Oh tiddley have a hand hold from me. It's normal. You are used to shielding him from the consequences of his choices and now you are no longer doing that. It's a hard habit to break and the guilt is shocking. It messes with your head.

But you are doing the right thing. Keep telling yourself that. I'm now a year down the line and I'm still telling myself that. It's still true. PM me if you need to talk.

[Tiddleypops]

You definitely did the right thing, your courage shines through.

Thank you, I have been repeating the reasons over and over in my head. It's helping. He's acting odd today, almost like he's forgotten Denial or plotting, (or acceptance!!) I am not sure it matters which, I'm moving forwards regardless.

[Tiddleypops]

"But you are doing the right thing. Keep telling yourself that."

^ This. I know 100% that I am doing the right thing, I have absolutely no doubts. But gosh, I am a mess!

Earlier in the week, I felt strong and positive about the future.
Today, I am grieving.

I think this is somewhat affected by his moods and feelings, he's no longer shielded by me, and he is obviously going through a grieving process too. He's angry, at what he sees as me taking away his family and his home. But then at other times he's being caring. He's all over the place.

I'm doing a reasonable job of holding it together in front of him, I'm doing my best to remain consistent, kind, not displaying anger when he riles me and I want to tell him where to stick it when he suddenly wants to be involved in some aspect of parenting he's had no interest in before - ultimately he's trying to cling on to what he knows he is losing and he is projecting some of of what he feels about himself onto me.

I know I'm doing ok, and that all this is normal - even the tears I have shed this week are, in their own way, healthy tears because I have held on to them for so long. I just wanted to write it down really, to remind myself.

[earlybyrd]

The grief you will feel can really take the wind out of you, it's awful, it can undermine your resolve so promise yourself that when this is over you will give yourself time to heal and grieve for how things could have been, but right now try to block all that don't let any sad thoughts in.
I know you said up thread you had re read this thread to help you- i can't stress enough how important that is, set yourself time to re read it every morning until you are free... you have had years of conditioning and he will be doing the 'poor me' show and it's really hard to maintain your new found resolve, I found picturing a happy future me really helped.
There is no point expecting him to behave as an adult about this, he will respond exactly as a child would when faced with difficulty, don't re adopt the 'mother role' you are so used to... detach detach detach, don't get sucked in to the whirlpool of crap.
You are a very very strong woman to be changing your life like this.

[Tiddleypops]

Thank you @earlybyrd, that really helped me.
It's all so completely true about how he is behaving and your advice makes very clear sense.

I'm sort of looking forward to the grief stage, containing all this is exhausting, but you're right, it has to wait until he's gone.

[earlybyrd]

@Tiddleypops

How are you getting on Tiddley? Hope you are ok and coping with it all

[Tiddleypops]

Thank you for checking in.
Feeling impatient. Which is hardly surprising given that I'm dealing with someone who uses every tactic under the sun to avoid dealing with reality.

On the plus side (?!) he is being an arsehole, everything is my fault, he is the victim, he is ill, I'm totally unreasonable for not waiting until he was ready to deal with things (or the end of all time, whichever came sooner). So I don't really have the chance to feel sad or grief-stricken yet, because he is just making me rage internally.

He has actually made an appointment with a solicitor so perhaps that will initiate some further action, and even if not his deadline will soon be up and I can press ahead with divorce, so I'm just trying to focus on that.

Trying so hard not to let this impact on DS, which is sometimes difficult when my patience is all gone and I'm exhausted. He's an absolute blessing, he's doing amazingly well at school, he's good fun, well behaved, kind. He's worth so much more than all this, and once we are just two, we'll do just fine.

[earlybyrd]

It takes SO much patience to listen to the 'poor me' show. What they don't realise is that every time they do 'poor me' it reiterates how they are only focussed on how it affects them ... what about poor YOU ! Who has to put up with it all !

Don't be surprised if the solicitor appointment doesn't materialise - even if it is real, he may not go at the last minute.
I think it's important to come across as a hardened bitch throughout this next stage, even if you don't feel like that as any softness will be a signal for the dithering to continue.
It's lovely to hear your DS is a ray of sunshine in all this.
Keep on keeping on

[Tiddleypops]

Yes, you're right @earlybyrd. I think I'm doing well at detaching, but not so well at hardened bitch!

I'm just infuriated by the complete non-communication on the subject. He's clearly not intending to go anywhere, or at least, he hasn't figured out how to look for somewhere to live (probably both), because his 'deadline' is next week and there is nothing to suggest any change is imminent.

Pretty sure he went to his solicitor appointment earlier in the week, I was there when he left, but of course he has not told me what happened despite the fact that I have laid out EXACTLY what I want to happen and he agreed to decide some things between us.

All very predictable, I know Divorce can start next week, I'm dreading Christmas.
Thank you for your support.

[lovealab]

You need to work on that "Hard Bitch" Tiddlypops! I seemed to have perfected it........I couldn't do it 3 years ago & ended up giving in to the emotional blackmail.....hoping to be applying for the Decree Nisi any day now having paid to have Personal Service done with the Divorce Petition (effected on Tuesday this week - YAY!)
Be strong & keep strong otherwise he'll think you don't mean it

[Tiddleypops]

Your new life awaits @lovealab! Eek personal service, but well done you, I hope everything progresses smoothly from now on in

You're right about needing to work on my inner hardened bitch. He sent me a bloody Christmas present list .
The level of denial is startling. I know it's part of the disease, it's also very sad to see (and ultimately, pushing me to have to behave in a way that is totally alien). But I shall rise to the challenge!!

[CollyWombles]

Hi OP,

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He attends the AA often and has currently been sober three months after a brief relapse from a year of sobriety.

I am staying with him, because I know and believe that he genuinely wants to be and stay sober. He has shown me that by his commitment to attending the AA and just like any sort of recovery, it's not a straight line from A to B.

We split three years ago over his drinking and were apart with no contact for two years. In that time, his mother died from alcohol abuse, he lost his job and was homeless with his alcoholic father.

Due to a medical emergency, he came to stay for a couple of weeks to help with his step children and I saw a real change in him.

The point of my story is that my DH is fighting and fighting hard to be sober. He willingly took antabuse until a blood test showed it was starting to affect his liver. Your DH doesn't sound as if he is even ready to admit he is an alcoholic. You are most definitely doing the right thing for you and the kids. Sometimes the kindest, most loving thing we can do for an alcoholic, is to leave them.

My grandad was an alcoholic. He reached the age of forty and my gran gave him an ultimatum. Stop drinking or she was gone with their six boys. He stopped that same day and never drank again. He, I think, is a rare case but again, the dedication to stop was there and only the alcoholic can make it happen.

[Tiddleypops]

It's good to hear some positive stories CollyWombles There are a few similar in my Al-anon group. It's proof that the disease has a cure, if they are willing and able to seek it. And you're right, they can only find it on their own, usually as the result of some huge wake up call.

It's all getting me down at the moment. I'm sat here now wishing bedtime to come around because the weekends, trying to keep things upbeat and engaging for DS are so long I really hate this complete and utter lack of engagement with reality. It's been an incredibly long year and I still can't see the end. Sorry, I'm wallowing a bit today! I know there is a future, I'm making progress, etc. Just lost my forward facing focus a little I think.

[pointythings]

It will end, tiddleypops. It's a long slog, but keep going with one foot in front of the other.

And yes, the total lack of any initiative is incredibly wearing. I still remember the sense of 'Yep, of course you didn't' when I found out my late H hadn't been paying his electricity bill in the flat he moved out to - because he couldn't be arsed to set up a direct debit make a few phone calls, all that basic stuff we functioning adults just do.

[RedSquirrelMoonlight]

I was on a night out with a friend, but wasn't in mood to be chatty at a party so found my way to a nice anonymous hotel bar as don't want to go home.

My plan is to move out between Christmas and NYE, my DH/STBX knows I've found another place and consciously gets we're splitting but I haven't confirmed exact date with moving co nor him.

I'm trying to relinquish my feelings of responsibility towards him, it's hard but therapy and having an exit goal is helping. Also me leaving is the only way, he's going to get help for his drink problem.

It's strange. The thing that kept me with him even when miserable was that he was such a big part of my life, I wanted to remain friends. Yet, more and more, I see his manipulation and weak ego mixed with charm. I often thought he put people on a pedestal, but tho I knew he wasn't perfect, I'm starting to realise I'd put him on one as well.

Feeling somber, but deep down - where it counts, I know I'll be ok. Thinking of you all just now. Much love and resilience is being channeled your way to help us all get through the holiday season. x

[Tiddleypops]

@RedSquirrelMoonlight, you are doing well. Therapy and a plan is what helped me too. I am glad to hear you will soon be out of there and yet he gets it. Manipulation, weak ego and charm. Yes, my H is exactly the same. He's taken so much from me, some of it is not even excusable through his alcoholism (not that any of it is excusable as such but you know what I mean!)

Anyway, faced with a crisis and no choice, he's making steps with a solicitor. He's told me through solicitors that he won't move out until we're divorced so that's a blow But, at least it means I can modify my plan now and more importantly I can get on with it.

[Tiddleypops]

*that he gets it

[Tiddleypops]

My H asked me via solicitor if I'd consider marriage counselling. It's tragic really.

[pointythings]

Marriage counselling is pointless with an addict. But you know that already. Just keep your head down and slog through it. My H wasn't going to go until we were divorced either, only the plan changed - entirely through his intolerable behaviour.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@Tiddleypops you're doing so well and you are holding firm. Excellent stuff. He's veering between digging his heels in and grasping at straws; all very predictable.

I'm just back from an AA meeting, and as it's Saturday we go for coffee afterwards. There was a newcomer - he's been around for about three months - who was talking about buying alcohol to have in the house over Christmas. I very, very rarely "tell" people what to do but that is such a classic one. He said he was "thinking of others". Well, in this life you have to put yourself first in this type of situation. Do not put tempting your path, do not make excuses, do not white knuckle it. Even if you are ok on the day, something clicks and you can be back on the old rickety path before you know it. This kind of holds true for all of us.

Keep on the way you are.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

*temptation not tempting!

Hi @pointythings

[RedSquirrelMoonlight]

Marriage counselling was helpful in that I realised I wasn't the crazy one, my frustrations were reasonable. And also in there I realised I couldn't fix him.

However asking a solicitor to ask your spouse to go to marriage counselling... that is coo coo cachoo.

I do worry (tho I know consciously it isn't my problem) where he is going to live and at same time I'm excited to move away. He'll end up in a council housing b&b type place I suppose. It's odd to me (and to him too) to realise that's the most likely scenario in the short term.

@Tiddleypops I'm sorry to hear he won't move out, if we owned (rather than renting) is certainly be in that situation. Good luck with your new planning

[lovealab]

Did you ask via Solicitor if he'd consider AA?!