Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

[Tiddleypops]

He is, definitely, getting keys to new place Monday though... So other than the fact it is unlikely that he'll be able to work through his detailed spreadsheet, and pack, and get over to new place, unpack etc several times, all in one day, it does look like it will happen next week. Progress!

[pointythings]

The moment he messes you around with access, you do what is convenient for you and then let him take you to court. He won't manage it, because it takes actual brains and organisational skills.

[Weenurse]

Roll on Monday

[Tiddleypops]

Yes this is what my solicitor has advised initially, as this gives me more flexibility if there are problems around drinking etc.
I'll need some of that courage stuff to deal with it when it comes. I feel as though I'm working through a lot of fear at the moment - importantly, I am picking things off and facing them, rather than running/hiding/freezing... Well, usually there's an immediate freeze reaction, but this is probably a good thing as it allows thinking (and offloading!) time.
I'm very lucky to be so supported

[Tiddleypops]

@Weenurse

Roll on Monday

Indeed

[pointythings]

I agree that the freeze is your friend right now. A reaction straight from the gut isn't likely to be a sensible one, given how traumatised you are. Having that bit of enforced time to think things through is a good thing, even though the freeze itself is unpleasant.

Once he has moved out, you will probably find your thought processes settling down a lot. Yes, he will be a dick around contact, but you have ways of dealing with that. Just handle it in the way your solicitor and I have suggested, and never underestimate the power of self destruct that alcoholics have. Your ex is likely to take himself out of the equation in the short to medium term.

[Tiddleypops]

He's gone 👏

[DishingOutDone]

You legend.

[DishingOutDone]

Should we have some sort of dance around? You got any ?!!!

[pointythings]

I have recommended hot chocolate. But I'm on board with the

[Tiddleypops]

The house is a mess... He took so much stuff! He was very disorganised, nothing planned - it was almost as though this was a surprise! But he had got a real bee in his bonnet about splitting things 50/50, so I let him take the ancient manky fridge freezer and washing machine and TV. I have new ones 😁

To his credit, he actually did take most of his crap, all the hoarded stuff piled in corners of every room, and on top of cupboards and in cupboards. All put into boxes and I bet half of them will never be opened again (could have been such a good opportunity for a clear out!)
I'm really tired tonight, could do with starting the cleaning but that will wait till tomorrow I think. I'm going to have a hot chocolate and watch what I want to watch on my new TV (although it's on the floor as he took the TV unit 😂).

[pointythings]

TV units come up on Facebook selling groups all the time, you could get one really cheap.

Definitely do not clean tonight. You deserve time off with your hot choc and some TV. Pace yourself over the next few days as well - this place is yours now, you can take as long as you need to make it that way.

[Weenurse]

Yeah ☕️🍰🎉

[Tiddleypops]

My friend gave me a TV unit in the end as her new TV wouldn't fit on it! 😊
I'm starting to realise that Monday was actually a very traumatic experience and I need to recover just from that, let alone the last three years! . I said to my dad, I feel like I've been pillaged, and he replied 'that's because you have been pillaged'. He's right. I feel sicker than ever before when I think of that disgusting man. That wasn't excusable as a symptom of alcoholism. That was an abusive nasty man.

Around mid afternoon on Monday, XH mate and cousin turned up with a van and XH just sort of went mad at that point, opening cupboards, throwing stuff in boxes and bags. It was awful. The mate looked awkward and didn't speak to me. He was probably uncomfortable with it but unwilling to get involved. I hope he felt as awkward as he looked. He's seen with his own eyes what XH is capable of and will perhaps not buy his BS any more.

I'm yet to find anything gone that I will truly miss. Meanwhile XH new house will be piled up with loads of old shit. Old bits of IT equipment that we haven't touched since we moved in 10 years ago etc! I deep cleaned the bedroom yesterday and moved the spare bed in. My first night in my own bedroom for over two years! It was wonderful! Then DS came in just as it was getting light and we played with some of his toys for about an hour before we got up. A real healing experience. DS keeps saying "why did daddy take this, and that?" I'm keeping neutral, not lying and saying it was OK or agreed, but also not slagging XH off - "I don't really know, I'm sure he didn't really need it, but it doesn't matter, shall we get a nice new one soon?" etc. He's getting caught up in my excitement about new plans for the house, which I'm tentatively looking at. My brother is going to help kick off with rewiring which will clear the way for decorating. DS is going to be his labourer. Exciting stuff.

This week is about getting things straightened up, but today I'm having a day off and me and DS are going out to do nice things all day

(Yes, I have changed the locks!!! All my myself, very pleased with that!)

[pointythings]

You absolutely do need recovery time and I would imagine that counselling will really help with that. The recognition that your XH isn't just an alcoholic but also abusive must have been a shock for you.

On the other hand he's done you a favour by clearing out all his crap - now you don't have to do it. And he's probably sitting there in the middle of it all with a Smaug-like expression, stroking his router from 2008 and going 'mine, all mine'...

Meanwhile your life is just going to get better and better and better. Keep being gentle with yourself and enjoy your time with your DS.

[Tiddleypops]

He will be doing exactly that! Properly pleased with himself and all his shitty old tat! He really is swanking around at the moment. And he is justifying it all in his mind. He'll also be justifying it to his older daughter and son, and I bet they are starting to have some doubts. They both witnessed his behaviour over the last couple of days.

It is starting to sink in, that I never need to allow him through the door ever again

The attic room was a no go zone before, piled high with his junk, and all spread around. And to think I was anticipating needing a skip!
It's almost empty now, I'm going to move my desk up there for work, I can see the hills from the window

[Tiddleypops]

I've often wondered if he is abusive, or if it's the alcoholic behaviour. I think there is some cross over and blurred lines. I think he is both and the alcoholism exacerbates the abusiveness.

[pointythings]

@Tiddleypops

I've often wondered if he is abusive, or if it's the alcoholic behaviour. I think there is some cross over and blurred lines. I think he is both and the alcoholism exacerbates the abusiveness.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Certainly mine became abusive once the alcoholism kicked in, but the potential was always there in his rigid black and white thinking and his authoritarian upbringing, which he thought was the parenting ideal and which he always wanted to impose on the DDs. It was the one thing we really clashed over, because I was brought up in a much more relaxed way and still managed to turn into a good citizen. And if I pointed that out, he would just snarl at me that he wouldn't bother doing any parenting, I could do it all. Basically that's how it ended up. And when the alcohol kicked in, he'd just go ahead and do his thing, which sadly coincided with me having to be away at weekends to see my parents in Holland. It ended up with me telling my line manager I couldn't do work overnights any more because I couldn't trust him alone with the kids. Fortunately she got it.

[Tiddleypops]

That all sounds so familiar. XH likes to punish mistakes as a method of correction. He did it a lot with his older DC and it's awful. The black and white thinking thing.
Up until now, he's been disinterested in parenting, but he has appearances to keep up now and will want to assert himself. He's already shown he sees DS like a possession. This weekend DS will stay with XH overnight. I'm sure it will be fine, but I feel very uncomfortable about it, like it goes against all my maternal instincts to protect him.

[pointythings]

All you can do is listen to what your DS tells you without interrogating him - and if there is anything that causes you concern, you act in whatever way is necessary.

I learned a lot about cognitive rigidity and how damaging it is when things really started going tits up in my marriage - it gave me the strength to deal with it and helped me support DDs. I would suggest you do a little of your own research too, will have a look and see if I can find some of the articles I found most useful.

[Tiddleypops]

Gosh, I just googled cognitive rigidity, and it hits the nail on the head. Thank you for looking, that would be very useful.
As you say, I'll listen to DS, hopefully find ways to help him deal with his dad's general behaviour and act if there's a danger of course. I'm going to have to deal with XH expecting to pick and choose seeing DS when he feels like it/is bored/wants to show me who is boss, and assert boundaries. Just knowing and understanding what this behaviour is, is a good starting point. Long gone are the days where I tried to make sense of it in the days where assumed that he was a rational and reasonable human.

[pointythings]

I've been busy Christmas shopping, but should have some time tomorrow. It's really interesting - cognitive rigidity impacts in all forms of mental illness, but particularly in substance abuse and autism.

Reading about it was a real lightbulb moment for me too - it was just him. His psychologist mentioned it too, but he was never able to do anything with the knowledge. Which is a shame, because it is possible to improve.

[Tiddleypops]

Well that was an exhausting week. After all the drama at the beginning of the week, I then had another drama with another elderly neighbour on Friday night - found her on the floor with a broken leg having fallen down some steps at the back of our houses, shouting for help! Poor lady. Wrapped her in blankets and waited two hours for an ambulance, it was awful.

I feel very strange a lot of the time. I am not yet used to my house being a safe space, but I have slowly worked through the rooms tidying and sorting and cleaning. Even though it's very tatty and run down, it's already much nicer and looks bigger without all his shit in it. My bed is sooo cosy and comfy (it's the ex-spare, but hasn't been used much and the bedding is new and lovely). I'm back to working tomorrow, with my desk in the attic with a view

I weirdly feel more afraid of XH than before. I guess that's because this is such a big change, I know he'll be feeling it too. Before, at least things were familiar and predictable. I dread the phone ringing, or a message coming from him. And when it does happen, even if it's a mundane interaction, it takes me a long time to calm my nerves.
I'm sure after a while, I'll start to relax more at home

Lockdown v2 will delay me doing anything particularly drastic with the house, but perhaps that's a positive. I'm so used to being hyper-vigilant and trying to over achieve, that a few weeks of nothing will help me to recalibrate. I'm able to join my Al-anon meeting again too, hooray!

[pointythings]

Well done sorting out your neighbour! You may well have saved her life there. What a fighter you are - remember that every single day when the doubts hit you.

I remember the initial period after mine left and what you are feeling is 100% normal. This is your brain getting used to him not being there - you're still expecting to see him, his absence is registering as 'something wrong', not 'new normal'. Only time will sort that out, it took me a couple of months before I was completely at peace.

Phone calls and messages - same thing, also normal. Eventually it will become a bored 'oh, not you again!'. I would also warn you that the 'he's dead' call might be what your brain is worrying about, given his state of health and current state of still drinking. It's sadly not possible to turn that one off, but you can live with it.

I'm pissed at lockdown v2 even though I know it's necessary - DD1 and foster son have wisely cancelled their trip here so I won't see them until Christmas. I've told them I will collect them personally if need be, then all self isolate together and same again after the month is up if that's what it takes!

[Tiddleypops]

It's good to know it's 'normal'. I've learned that one of the major effects of living with alcoholism is losing your ability to feel. I lost myself. I was an empty shell when I started this thread. So 'normal' is good. It does feel right, that it's part of the process, although it's difficult, I feel certain that I will work through this phase. And I don't feel a pressure to 'fix' it - another reaction to living with alcoholism - the only way is through it and I'll come out the other side in time

Oh no, that's rubbish that they can't come home Christmas still feels a long time away, even though it really isn't. I'm sorry you won't see them sooner. Your sentiments echo everything I've heard from others - pissed off, but understand it's necessary. I'm sad to see friends going through major work upheavals having barely gotten back on their feet over the summer. It doesn't help that there is currently sideways rain outside in the dark. Everyone I know is very tired of all this.