Told husband it's over. He has no support.

[Tiddleypops]

I have told my husband that our marriage is over.
He's an alcoholic and so I know this is the right step for me and our child.

The problem I now face, is that he is completely alone. He has no friends.
A while ago, after I begged him to speak to his mum about his issues, he finally did so apparently (he only told me this yesterday), but she she brushed it all off with a comment about him being a "daft sod".

I don't hate him, he has 3 children (2 from a previous relationship, and 1 between us). He needs support right now, and clearly it needs to be from someone other than me.
He said he has been having suicidal thoughts (he said he doesn't want to kill himself but he can't help the thoughts) and I'm terrified he'll act on them.

I really don't know what to do I can't be with him, but I don't want him to have noone either

[pointythings]

Tiddleypops asking my H to move out was the hardest thin I have ever done in my life. Initially when I started divorce proceedings, the plan was for him to take his time finding a place and for us to live amicably in the same house. He was the one who sabotaged that plan with his behaviour - it took someone from my support group (a qualified child protection social worker) to point out to me that what he was doing was abusive to my DDs, and that I had to act. So I did, and it was heart-breaking and horrible. I did it anyway. So will you - you are finding your strength.

Be prepared for a shitload of procrastination from him even if he does agree to go, and stand firm in the face of it.

[Tiddleypops]

Thank you @pointythings - your posts are genuinely helping me. I have momentum now.
Asking him to move out felt impossible even this morning, but I have re-read this thread and my diary to reaffirm everything in my mind. Along with everything else I've been building up over the last few weeks, I now feel like it's impossible to avoid it any longer and that NOT asking him to move out has become the impossible thing. Yes, I guess this is 'finding my strength'.

Yep, a 'shitload of procrastination' (made me chuckle that! ) is him all over about everything, so I am sure this will be no different.

[pointythings]

Just don't do what I did - when you ask him to move, give him a date by which you want him gone. It has to be a realistic one, but it has to be firm - that was my big mistake.

[Tiddleypops]

So, a week ago I told him I'd like him to move out. That it wasn't a discussion about the reasons, because we have already discussed that in our previous conversations. I think I was kind (as much as it's possible to be when asking someone to leave their home ), and firm. He took it in, he didn't argue. He said that we'd need to get two copies of DS school photo - ie one each for each home.... So I thought we'd got somewhere.

Since then, nothing. Not a murmur about it. I didn't give him a date to move out by (yet), perhaps I should've done but it was just a step too far, already it took everything to say it! However, I think I've been very clear. I'm away for a few days the week after next, so some space (yessss), and when I return I'll reiterate with a date. If I still get nothing back then I'll go to my solicitor.

I am feeling impatient now. Up until last week I was blaming myself for being stuck in this rut (despite having clearly told him a few times that I want to separate, I hadn't told him I expected him to move out), but now it's 100% him ignoring me. I'm angry

[Tiddleypops]

• also crippled with guilt about feeling angry of course. Crikey, so text book!

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@Tiddleypops sorry, just caught up with this. Give him a date. He's cruising, in denial, hoping that you'll
change your mind, failing to realise anything at all. You must, for your sanity, take your gloves off and be unemotional and blunt.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Ps I'm a recovering alcoholic and in a meeting yesterday, there was a newcomer who could (I'm quite sure wasn't) have been your OH. You must move on.

[Tiddleypops]

You're right @lobster. I've tried to be kind, gentle, I've been very clear, very.
And he just doesn't react, at all. I feel compassion for him, but I have to switch that off (for now at least). I'm doing him no favours. Pointythings told me this is how it would play out, and even I could have predicted it...

OK. If he won't listen to me then I have to get myself to the solicitors and get on with this

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@Tiddleypops thinking of you and sending hugely positive thoughts. You really must think of yourself. You can't save him - only he can do that.

[Tiddleypops]

@Lobsterquadrille2 you are right, thank you for giving me a(nother) push. He has had more than enough opportunity to do something (even if that something were going to be getting angry, but he's just nothing). He's just burying his head in the sand and hoping all this will go away. I've been assuming he'll engage with me, and he isn't.

So I've made an appointment with a solicitor for a couple of weeks time (earliest I could do it), and I'm going to get them to send him a letter initially, asking him to go by X date and then start divorce proceedings. It feels like I'm being brutal, but that's exactly what I need to be because being patient and reasonable is getting me nowhere .

[Tiddleypops]

Been to see solicitor and asked for a letter initially asking him to leave, followed by divorce proceedings. Legally of course, he doesn't have to go anywhere, so it's a bit of a shot in the dark. Shitting it now

He has literally ignored my request for him to move out, no anger, no remorse, no nothing (no surprise either! )

[spacefighter]

Why can't he go to his mothers?

[LizzieBennettDarcy]

Could you move out? Is that practical?

[pointythings]

Unfortunately he is staying true to type. It's likely that he can't be made to leave, and if he won't go then you are either stuck with him or you will have to leave. Check with your solicitor to make sure your rights will not be affected if you go. Unless your H does something police worthy, it's very hard to get him to leave.

[pointythings]

I would be starting divorce proceedings now if I were you...

[Tiddleypops]

Thank you @pointythings. The letter asking him to leave is a bit of a last chance/hope that he'll go willingly then we can start divorce proceedings without living together..... But you're right, he'll probably ignore the solicitor too.

I can't realistically move, I need to be near school for DS and without family nearby I'd have to rent. I'm solely on the mortgage for the marital home so liable for that too.

So, we'll see, but I did also discuss divorce with the solicitor and that's the next step regardless of whether he decides to move out or stay sitting around. That would be tough, but at least there would be an end point, which there currently isn't!

He's doing pitiful and lost puppy act very well at the moment (suspect he's picking up on my tension). I'm having to constantly remind myself why this is happening, that I didn't cause it and that there is no other way... These things are not difficult to mentally check off, but it is exhausting.

[lovealab]

I admire you....I wasn't so understanding, I knew my husband (a drunk too) would not leave the home, he'd have ended up making my life extremely difficult, stressful & costly...he'd have refused to pay his share of the bills stating that he'd need "to save up to leave", exacted his revenge for me daring to not want to be with him him any longer, be a total lay about & most likely have walked out of his job..so he wouldn't have been able to save up for another place to live or he'd have lost his job, (which has now done!) I simply removed his front door key from his key ring whilst he was in the shower & then packed up his belongings whilst he was at work.......I know legally they have a right to stay in the marital home but I think that the Law is wrong to make us suffer....i did what was right for my own mental well being...hope your situation resolves soon........

[Tiddleypops]

He has 14 days to do something. So I'll sit tight.

[Tiddleypops]

@lovealab that really made me smile! Sounds like he went to the same twat school as mine. I wish I dared do something like that! How did things turn out?

[lovealab]

He had the sad puppy look, & couldn't believe what i'd done...said he hadn't seen it coming when i asked him...if he wasn't drunk so much he'd have seen the signs!
I've had to block communications from him as he'll always find excuses to text me, last text was last Tuesday after I'd gotten fed up with storing his belongings in my garage which he's had access to, asking me "what are we going to do about my possessions that you're denying me access to?" I loaded them up in my car and dumped them all outside his flat door!
The possessions turned out to be ½ the spices and food rom the cupboards 3 months after I kicked him out....he was sat outside my house the other Sunday morning at 7:45 ....twice
He wouldn't answer any of my questions re;divorce, but I've found out where he is living, have filed for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, he's not returned the acknowledgement of service, so now waiting for copies of the divorce petition to go to a process server to have them served and be able to apply for Decree Nisi

[Tiddleypops]

Oh no, sounds like a nightmare... Also it's sounding like the level of engagement is over some trivial possessions and I guess he's not capable of doing much else. Good luck!

[pointythings]

Oh, I got the puppy dog eyes too, so many times. Then they stopped working and I turned into the bitch of steel. Though to be fair mine was decent about leaving the house and about possessions.

You can do 14 days, tiddleypops!

[lovealab]

You can be daring/brave! Hopefully yours will gone very soon and you can get on with your life
Luckily there are no children involved for us and the house is rented in my sole name.....it’s been mine and my family’s home for 25 ½ years so I was not prepared to leave it even though that’s exactly what I felt like doing........if I had plenty of money, I’d have moved out and he’d have come home to an empty house (all household goods were mine before I knew him) with no idea where I’d gone......

[Tiddleypops]

I'm a mess today. And I'm sure it's going to get worse before it gets better!

He's so shocked, he's ranted at me via message, although when I read it after a cool off period it was just as sad as it was ranty and confirmed everything I already knew, acknowledging he has been avoiding dealing with anything etc.

I'm not wavering but it's very hard. I'm watching him suffer the consequences of his actions, that I'm so used to protecting from. This has forced him to look to others for support and caused him to react, which is weirdly a relief.

[Tiddleypops]

Actually not weird at all now I think about it.